Oh Menopause! Oh Menopause! You have taken the precious locks from atop my fair skull only to bestow thy legs with that very same hair in which I must shave. I shan’t comply on a daily basis. Thou needs thy slobby and slothy days! Oh Yay! Oh Yay!

Time to get thee looking human before the cosmetics witch boils up a brew that turns me into a true sloth with eyes crossed eyes of a newt!

She hasn’t shaved her legs in a week. Let’s turn her into the sloth of an animal she is! “Bwaaaaaaaa”

Besides–Bonaparte mentioned that my legs felt a bit “stubbly“–it could have been worse, he could have said they looked stubby!

I’m sure I missed a spot!

I have finally shaved my legs. I think it’s been—what?? Three, four days? Now my gams are smooth, but one is noticeably more orange due to the staying power of the Neutrogena “Build -a-Tan”. I should have applied it over the Jergens Natural Glow, but laziness is my friend this week!

The Neutrogena build-a-tan does have staying power–it just turns a bit “orange”. I’m Jackie O-Lantern Leg!

Boredom is so underrated! I’ve decided to do my face and wear something other than Old Navy PJ bottoms and a sweatshirt.   In the meantime, do you want to see what’s in my medicine cabinet?

Bottom and Middle Shelves–Bottom: “Gray Away” Spray, Deodorant, Kiehl’s “Crème de Corps” lotion (which I had to take away from Chippy–he must’ve thought it was frosting., Kiehl’s “Ultra Facial Cleanser”, old school “Olay” lotion, Kiehl’s face cream (sample) Eau de Fleur D’Oranger toner. (This is GREAT! I purchase it each time I go to Paris. It’s dirt cheap and doesn’t dry my skin)! Middle shelf: Toothpaste, Miracle Hair fibers (to cover a la baldness).

Top Shelf: Furterer Leave-in Hair Conditioner, Living Proof Styling Cream (for summer use), Ouidad hair serum (this is the best anti-frizz serum I’ve ever used–again, for summer use), DermMatch (another product I use to cover my bald spots)..and Toppik (yet ANOTHER) product for my hair loss.  * See my post about my hair loss journey:

My Hair Lady–the Bald and the Beautiful

It’s ironic that me, a self-diagnosed hypochondriac, has no medicine whatsoever in the medicine cabinet. (Caveat—Bonaparte keeps his medicinal items in our master bath. So basically, I have two bathrooms). What it does house are mostly products to disguise my hair loss, other hair items, toothpaste and some face stuff. I rarely take OTC drugs—and Monsieur has taken all my OTC drugs away from me. He cannot understand my logical thinking of taking 4 Tylenol for a headache. Nor can he process my philosophy of consuming an entire bottle of Nyquil when I feel a cold coming on. Therefore, I must seek his permission when I need to cure a simple malady.

Bonaparte:  “Cassee, eez aperitif time. You want Kir Royale, Non, Oui?” 

Me: *cough* *Sniff* *sneeze* “Non. Merci. Just pour the NyQuil into a champagne flute for me!” *wipes nose on sleeve of sweatshirt in tissue.

This sample of Jose Maran Argan oil was sitting in a cubby in my makeup desk, so I took it out and put it on my face.

Nothing happened.

It didn’t do anything. I’m not understanding all this Argan/Moroccan oil worship. It goes on oily, but then makes my skin dry. Same thing with the hair. I’ve used both types of oil in my hair and a day later my hair is super dry. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong?

Tomorrow I’m going for a makeover at Ulta. It Cosmetics is having a promo day and I’m really excited. I LOVE makeovers. I need to keep my wallet home for obvious reasons!  Lately my MUFE HD foundation seems to be very cakey looking. I don’t know if it is due to the god-awful winter weather or what—but I feel more hydration is needed.   I applied my usual brow/well-rested/crème concealer then I brushed Bare Minerals “Cultured Pearl” shadow on my lids and up to my brow bone.

Gives a nice pearlized glow to the eyes!

I followed with Stila’s “Clay” in the crease of my lids.

Another item hits pan!

Since I’m not going anywhere today, I applied my Relian Lash Extension Mascara kit. Physician’s Formula is much better, but I don’t want to waste it.   A thick winged eyeliner application was next. Sephora’s felt tipped eyeliner is great for this because of the felt tip.   The experts say not to pull on your eyelid when applying eyeliner. I say baloney—my 60 year old eyes have wrinkles and crow’s feet—in order to get a halfway decent wing, I NEED to pull the lid back. Seriously—are any of these “experts” older than 30? Do any of them NOT have plastic surgery or fillers? Get real. Old eyes wrinkle.

Yes. In order to get “this”, I pulled and tugged on my old, wrinkled eyes!

And I even mascared my bottom lashes! You likey the eye-eez?

Sad day today. Make up funeral for my Too-Faced “Sweet Pea”. The last stroke of blush used, I threw out the container. Only to find it in Chippy’s mouth moments later.   It’s back in the trash.

Gone to Cosmetics Heaven. R.I.P. Sweet Pea!

I think I applied almost every gloss I own. I wanted to see if I could get my lips as shiny as the ads in magazines. I did, but couldn’t wait to wipe it off—I felt like I had an oil slick on the mouth.

Boredom at it’s best–or worst; On the lips: Burt’s Bees Lip Balm, NYX Wonder Pencil in Medium (to line the lips), MUFE Rouge Artist Intense  36, Forever 21 Sparkling LipGloss Pink/Fuschia, Lancôme Juicy Tube LipGloss in Ultra Brilliant, femme couture Plumping Gloss XXL Lip Shine and Neutrogena Lip Smoother in Gleam 40.

My lined old lady lips should be in an advertisement–don’t you think?

The hair hasn’t been out of a bun in days. Days!!!   Actually, it looks pretty decent and nice and wavy. A new way to “Set” my hair!

After days in a bun, here’s the result!

Thank god my Jacrew (my family’s code name for J. Crew—I’ve let you in on a secret) Minnie pants still fit. My body feels like a complete stuffed sausage though. I’m tracking points but only for meals. I’m selectively omitting the handfuls of chocolate and peanut butter chips and raw cookie dough that I’m gorging on! That’s just not good. An oversized sweater hides my muffin, cake sheet cake top that is spilling like soft frosting over those Minnie pants!

OOTD–real clothing!

I finished baking the Momofuku Blueberries and Cream Cookies.

I forgot about Lent and ate one some.

Here’s the recipe from Bon Appetit. This is a great recipe by the way…

http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/blueberry-and-cream-cookies

..and started preparing the cheese soufflé for this evening.

I use the inexpensive store-brand Parm to line the soufflé dish. The yolks will be used to make lemon curd!

The soufflé is for Bonaparte. I’m having fish and spinach. (4 points. The aperitifs I’ll have beforehand are 16 points. I don’t know how many points I ate in cookie dough today. I’m shameful).

This is all I wanna do. Go outside barefoot…and not in the snow!

I need to become hired soon. Lord knows what I’ll do next!

Have you been following what this disgusting British “journalist” ( I use that term very loosely), Katie Hopkins has been saying about Kelly Clarkson? Well, Kelly Clarkson, that cutie with the amazing voice and winner of Season One’s “American Idol”, had a baby about 8 months ago. Clarkson is still carrying around the baby weight and this priggish woman has been very vocal and insulting to Clarkson.Hopkins Remarks about Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson-adorable as ever!

I applaud Clarkson for putting her child’s needs first and I also applaud her for not trying to get to a size “0” after the birth of her daughter. Clarkson’s weight is a non-issue. She’ll lose it or she won’t –it doesn’t matter because she is still adorable. This Hopkins woman needs to look in a mirror and assess the way she looks before making disparaging remarks about others.

Honey, you need to look  in a mirror before you make nasty remarks about others.

Poke fun at me instead!

Let me tell ya, I may be cross eyed, hairy in places I shouldn’t be and hairless in places that should be hairy—but this Hopkins broad looks like a direct descendant of centuries of inbreeding!  Am I wrong in thinking this Katie Hopkins is the most vile woman on earth?

Whew-with nothing to do, I sure wrote  a lot about nuthin’! Hey, it’s all in good fun!

Happy Funky  Friday:   Here’s Wilson Pickett “Funky Broadway”  Dance!!  XOXOXOXO