First of all—happy Friday! A nice pleasant end to the week it is! (Well, that’s if you have a job–unlike some of us.  Good news though- I was called back for a second job interview!! I had the first one a couple of days ago!)

School’s out for me—I completed my advanced computer skills class and it was a blast.

Yes. I’m going to go all crazy creating pivot tables on Excel and will go all Power Point hungry with the presentations!

I really cannot give enough accolades to PA CareerLink or to Suzanne, our teacher.   We students had a nice bonding and some of us will be seeing each other on Monday at a little seminar. It’s all good.

We had a little party. Marsha made the chewiest oatmeal cookies on earth. I made my usual Momofuku Milk Bar corn cookies. I put them in little bags–see them on the far right?

Well, mostly all good. I went shopping for a couple of bathing suits earlier this morning. And YES, I prepped myself. Gave my upper thighs a nice shave with a NON-mentholated shaving cream and was nice and smooth!

Ladies and gents. You all remember what happened when I used the menthol shaving cream.  On a side note, I do use Barbasol. It’s far less expensive than those ridiculous “lady” shaving creams–and you get more to a can!

Anyway, last night I perused the internet looking at various department store sites for women’s swim wear. It was awful. Nordstrom, in particular, which has always had a great selection of women’s clothing, had nothing but skimpy junior bikinis or just super-fugly one-pieces.

All from Nordie’s. Um…the bottoms. They are way too low for someone with my..ahhhh. mudflap belly. Do these companies only make swimsuits for model figures?  And speaking of the one piece–THAT suit would fit me like a thong. They all ride up!

Lord & Taylor’s website—I couldn’t even get onto it, it’s so slow and bad.

And the prices!!! Good God, don’t even get me started. NO WAY am I spending $100.00 or more on a bathing suit. By the end of the season, the fabric will be pilled and stretched and bleached out from chlorine. What a rip off.

Instead, I went on a mission to find a discounted bathing suit—or two.

First stop: Target. Um…there were NO larger swimsuits in that store. You are aware that I only wear two piece suits. The one piece, no matter what size, rides of my crotch and give me the worst wedgies on earth. I’m too long in the torso. I’m convinced that the buyer of the Target swim wear department is a 32AA cup because there is no way that the small bikini tops sold at Target would even cover the nipples of a larger breast area. I didn’t even try anything on.

Second Stop: Kohl’s. About 15 years ago, I purchased my favorite two-piece swimsuit of all time. It was an orange number with little flowers on it. The bottom was a modest bikini cut and the top was a full-coverage underwire padded little number. I loved it so much I wore it till it fell apart. I wish I could go back into the archives of Kohl’s and find that swimsuit. Alas, there was nothing like it at Kohl’s. I’m not too fond of Kohl’s to begin with, but I figured I could find a modest bikini bottom in the store. Nuh unh!

I have no idea how these bathing suits are sized but even the XL bikini bottoms were inching down where the sun don’t shine. Trust me, even Christian Clavier would have found these bottoms too small!

French actor Christian Clavier. He’s hysterically funny and in this film “Les Bronzes” from 1978, he ran around for 3/4 of the movie dressed like this. I had tears from laughing so hard. But it’s not funny when it comes to the reality of purchasing swimwear. I do NOT want to be the female equivalent of THIS!

Another disaster.

Third Stop: Marshall’s. I figured since Marshall’s was in the shopping center next to Kohl’s I would give it a shot. The swimsuit selection at this particular Marshall’s wasn’t large. But, it was a decent one. I ended up with a couple of Trina Turk two-pieces, a white skirted La Blanca Bikini, a one piece—just for the heck of it, and a couple of other suits to try on.

Will I be lucky?  A white suit is kind of risky for fish-belly white old me, but it’s worth a shot!

The bottom of the Trina Turk, size 10, fit beautifully. The bandeau top did absolutely nothing for my girls except to smash them in and make ’em look saggy. The one piece bathing suite I tried on made me look like a pig and rode up to kingdom come. It surprises me how a one piece can add more pounds and make me look so frumpy! Ugh. I tried on another little number, the colors were turquoise and gray—a horrible color  combo if you ask me. It took me five minutes to figure out how to put the top of the suit on. The top was very strappy and manipulating the straps took five pounds off me. The suit actually looked ok but I could not get past the colors.

Then I tried on the white La Blanca suit with the skirted bottom. The 10 fit beautifully! I had worn La Blanca suits in the past and was pleased with the quality and the cuts. Lo and behold, I had a winner! I was shocked.   A white suit had me fearing that I would appear to be a great white shark but it was surprisingly flattering. The cut of the bottom comes up a bit higher and the skirt area is very short. Appearing more like a ruffle than an actual skirt. At $25.99, all I could say was “Come to Momma”! One suit down, hopefully another to go.

WHO KNEW???? Bonaparte was rather…um…surprised to see this suit, but he trusts my judgment and likes the suit a lot! When I get sprayed with some fake tanner I’ll try it on and take a pic for ya!

Maxi from Marshall’s for $14.99. Couldn’t resist. These inexpensive Maxi dresses are perfect for lounging around during the summer evenings!

My last stop was at the outlets in Limerick. I had a J. Crew gift card and figured I would check out Jacrew’s Fact (family abreevspeak for J. Crew Factory) Store for sales. In the meantime, I stopped at the Aerie outlet. Oona picked up some cute bikini’s there and I noticed on their website they had higher cut bottoms. I hit the swimsuit bottom lottery! I ended up with a navy “sky high” bottom. This bottom is great because you can wear it extremely high, roll it down a bit for a more modest look and to cover belly fat, or roll it down even more. I found a larger sized top (Seriously, I’m not very well-endowed on top but a 36C bathing suit top does NOT fit me the way my bras do. I had to size up to a D cup, of which my cup does NOT runneth over in the bra of that same size!)

SCHWING!!! I LOVE this bottom. It does look decent this high, but I’ll roll it down a bit…

Aerie has the best choices for swimwear! The price is right and the top is heavily padded and wired so my girls will stick out more than my belly!

I have to add something: Older women–Aerie is a “young” store. Run by American Eagle, but don’t be put off by the age factor with this store.  The selection of swimwear is great and they carry these higher bottoms. In addition, their bras and other undergarments are very nice!

So with two two-piece suits, I left the store with my mission accomplished. I just don’t understand it though. WHY is it so difficult for a normal to extra-pounds-until-I-lose-the-weight-I-gained-over-the-winter, woman to find a bathing suit? It doesn’t matter if it’s a one piece, two piece or a tankini either. It just seems that these companies just want to make small sizes for small ladies. The pricing on larger suits is just so unreasonable. Completely unfair!

Walking around the outlets made me feel very healthy. It was great to be out and about and walking. J. Crew Factory proved to be a bargain score! With my gift card I ended up getting a gray maxi skirt and an extremely light weight and flattering tunic. I still have $45.00 left on the card too!

Picked up this tunic for 50% plus an addition 20% off of $59.50. That is a substantial savings!

The maxi (and I’ve been looking for a gray maxi skirt) was 40% plus an additional 20% off  of $69.50.  A great day with my gift card–and money left over! Cha-ching!!

You are all aware of the fact I never travel with good jewelry.  I found this cute necklace at Forever21 for $3.90. It’s not too bad and it isn’t real–which is a real plus!

Sorry for the flash, but you know that my photography talent leaves much to be desired!

Gotta go food shopping now. I shall return with some more unnecessary musings over the weekend!

XOXOXOXOXOXO!

Friday. Sly Stone. Hot Fun in The Summertime! Yay uh!