“I swearda God I’m gonna boot yer ass from here ta kingdom come”
Thomas Wynne
Quoted on a Friday evening in the Fall in 1975 when two Thai sticks fell out of my brother’s back jeans pocket.
My brother’s biggest mistake was getting caught. That’s what younger sibs get for not listening to me!
Ahh. Fall! It evokes so many warm and toasty memories. Like the one above. I’ll never forget the look on my father’s face when those sticks fell out of my brother’s pocket. It was hard to fool my dad. He was a NYC police officer.
If only I had a sign that read: Stoner Lives Matter.
And no. My dad did NOT boot my brother’s ass from here to kingdom come. He did worse. My brother had two tickets to see Elton John at the Garden. He was going to take a girl he liked.
My dad ripped the tickets up. Talk about Police Brutality and Tough Love!
The scent of burning cannibus leaves in the Fall has been replaced with Pumpkin Spice Lattes!
Starbucks Spiced Pumpkin Latte is now the recreational drug of choice these days!
How warm and fuzzy.
That quote by my dad reminded me that I needed to assess my “BOOT” wardrobe from last year.
Everything always comes back to me!
My closet floor was a mess. Shoes and boots everywhere. Being depressed isn’t easy you know—it just creates mess and clutter. And then I have to clean it up.
I have no idea how that gym shoe got on top of that pile. I haven’t worked out in over a year. That’s right. I own my laziness.
Ugh. In order to get to my boots, I knew I would have to start by organizing my shoes.
I had to tackle this mess too.
Oh damn. Bonaparte is gonna freak out if he sees the mess Chippy made! Well, at least he knows well enough to not eat any more of my sandals or shoes!
I also had to tackle Chippy’s handy work…
…while he completely ignores me…
Then I did something that I have been dreading since the late spring and my enormous weight gain.
I tried my Tory Burch boots on to see if they fit.
This is where the struggle began. I had to muster all my strength and shove my fat calf into this boot. I broke out in a sweat. (maybe I lost an ounce in the process?)
Let me tell you a bit about these boots. They are the bane of my existence. I purchased them….four or five years ago at Nordstrom’s huge semi-annual sale.I got them half price.
When I tried them on, I was wearing tights. That means there wasn’t any extra fabric from—jeans to get in the way. I zipped the boots up—just barely and they fit OK, but felt weird in the foot. I just figured the odd fit was because they were new and a bit stiff.
The next time I wore the boots, it took a bit longer to zip them up. I was wearing skinny jeans and the fabric from the jeans—albeit it stretchy, made it nearly impossible to zip the boots up. But—I was determined and won the war.
The boots were the most uncomfortable boots in the world. Big score for Tory Burch. At least she only got half my money.
The thing is, I love the color of the boots. I love the hardware. I wish the boot was taller because I love a super tall boot.
I also cannot stand the “foot” part of these boots—they make my foot look huge!!!!
See how big the foot part is of this boot? My feet look massive.
Anyway, I squeezed my ever-widening ass and ever-thickening thighs into one of my favorite pair of Skinnies: Gap 1969 Legging Jeans. Even though I’ve grown into a 10, it’s really important to size down when it comes to skinny jeans with stretch.
Luckily, over time the boots stretched out in the calf area and I was able to zip them up. Big but (or shall I say “butt”) here. One of my calves is thicker than the other. My left leg was killing me because it was so tight. My blood circulation felt completely cut off. I could not wait to get these things off.
That is not a smile on my face. It’s a grimace because my left leg’s blood circulation was cut off! Do you like the blazer? J. Crew Regent blazer. 30% off. I’ll be in trouble when Bonaparte reads this blog post today.
Solution? I’ll either take the boots to be stretched professionally, or I’ll do it myself.
Those boots were the first—and last Tory Burch boots I will ever purchase!
In the meantime, I’ll keep wearing this pair of over-the-knee boots from Chinese Laundry. Got ’em maybe three or four years ago—under $100. They are comfortable as all get out and look great. They’ve held up incredibly well for an inexpensive boot!
The fake leather is super comfy. Oh…I just realized these boots are Vegan. I feel even more good about these boots now. Seriously. I really like these boots so much and they are very calf-friendly.
I’ve always loved the Stuart Weitzman 50/50 boots, but just cannot justify spending $655.00 on them. Besides the price, I would be petrified to wear them in the extreme winter weather and ruining them.
Miranda Kerr can afford Stuart Weitzman, but the majority of us cannot. Although I must say, these boots are beautiful–but unaffordable.
Last year, I spotted a great dupe at DSW for $49.99. I ended up purchasing a pair for my daughter, Oona and a pair for me.
Sure—they are on the “cheaper” end, but they look great and wear very well. Oona said they actually held up better in the messy NYC winter than she could have ever imagined.
These Unisa knock-offs come in various colors too and are extremely “calf friendly”. Muscular, wider, athletic calves won’t have any issue wearing these!
This photo sucks. My apologies. But look how decent the Unisa dupes of the 50/50’s look. For the price, not bad at all.
A year before discovering the Unisa knock off, I found a Nine West dupe at Lord and Taylor. They were $149.00 and I had a coupon for 40% off. It was a deal!
Nine West boots on the left. Unisa on the right. Trust me, both pair look much better on a set of legs than on the floor.
The material is a bit on the shinier side, but these look great with skirts and dresses. I like the tallness of these boots too and they have held up amazingly well!
This is the great surprise about cleaning your closet out. I forgot about these high dark brown boots by Hinge. Again, I purchased these at Nordstrom’s semi-annual sale at the end of summer 2014. They are tall, they zip up with jeans. I like the rugged look and they make my feet look small.
These are another favorite of mine (even though I forgot I had them). They are slightly rugged looking and imperfect.
See these Vince Camuto booties below? I love them and they are comfy. I’m hoping I get some decent use out of them this winter. They are perfect for office wear. But what office am I going to wear these in? My home office???? I may just give them to Oona—she’ll get more use out of them!
It would be nice to have a job to wear these cuties to. Oh well, I can dream, can’t I?
I love the Sam Edelman boots that lace up. I call them my “nun” boots. They are pictured below on the left. The Enzo Angiolini boots on the right are a favorite of Bonaparte’s. He loves the way they look on me! He’s going to have to clean them for me though because I have salt marks from the snow on them.
See how bunched up the jeans are? I cannot stand when that happens. That’s why a belt is needed when wearing skinny jeans and boots.
Now look at the pic. I put a belt on.
See what a belt does? It keeps my jeans up and then there’s no bunching. Nice and smooth.
I need to rest now. It’s hot and I should be in shorts and a loose t shirt instead of the clothing changes I made with all these boots. Hot flashes! I’m gonna cool off.
So long for today folks! I’m going to get an ice cold drink and chill!
Hopefully it’ll get cool enough to wear these boots soon. Very soon.
Oh. Before I leave. Here’s the end result of my boot pile. It should stay like this at least until the weekend.
Since the topic is boots—here’s some Bootsy Collins. “Bootzilla” Time to get funked up!
Your a bit ‘Booty’ GF! Love it!!!
…and a bit frooty..and tooty…I only wish the weather would get cooler so I could actually wear them! XOXOXOXOO! Glad you like!!!
How many pairs of boots does one woman need? Give the tight ones to a charity shop and free up some space. You’ll feel sooooo much better. x
Hi Gillian, I know, I have quite the collection. I am pretty sure before the end of the season, some of those boots will make their way to Goodwill! XOXOXO!!
That’s a big passel of boots, girl! Cute though! You must have a heck of a time deciding which ones to wear! 😀
Hi Cheryl, This big-bootyed girl needs a big passel of boots! LOL! XOXOXOXO!!!
Ah, boots. Hardest part of moving full time to FL was giving away all my boots. And down vests. Love them both. Jealous of your collection. Thought I was so smart as we go to Chicago where my girls live a couple times during winter months so I packed up a few bins filled with a couple pairs of boots, leather and snow boots, a down vest, my down coat, and flannel pj bottoms. Worked well the first winter. The next year they all got mixed up somehow with her donations and they are gone. Um hum. All gone. I do not own a coat or any boots. Last Christmas I trotted around in her boots, fine, she has a wonderful selection, and one of her coats. Which I could not zip. OMG.
Hi Jean. Ouch. Getting rid of the boots would almost do me in. But doesn’t it ever get a tiny bit cool in Florida? The fact that some of your boots got donated by mistake is incredibly sad, but I’m sure someone on the receiving end was incredibly happy–and well booted! XOXOXOXO!!!
It doesn’t really get boot cool in southwest FL. Well, rarely. You do see sales people in the malls in boots frequently in the winter when it’s a nippy 75. I’m in flip flops. And the teens you see in short jean shorts and their Uggs no matter the temp once school starts. I personally just find it amusing. To me a FL boot is any closed shoe!
Jean. Uggs with shorts = Ugh………………………………………XOXOXO!!!
Oh I love boots! I can’t wait for it to cool enough that my feet won’t be sweatily angry for being shoved inside them all day! And I love being able to wear ridiculous (and comfy) socks underneath and nobody knows! I feel your pain with the calf to boot ratio problem – I finally found a pair last year that I could zip up with having to see a personal trainer!! I’ll cry when they wear out 🙁
Hi Haylee! Oh that calf-to-boot ration is a pain. My lesson learned is to always try boots on when I’m wearing jeans. I also love wearing those comfy socks under the boots too. The feet must be comfortable when they are in boots all day! XOXOXOXO!!
“These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll dooooo, and one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over youuuuu!!!!” “Are you ready boots — start walking!!” LOL!! Couldn’t help myself, Catherine! Getting ready to wear my fall boots always starts the season right, whilst singing this song – our loud – not just in my head!! 🙂
Annamarie. I was gonna play that song today, but I was waiting for you! You sing it better than Nancy. Hehehehe. Tomorrow I’ll have to buy some saddle soap to have Bonaparte clean my boots. I’m too lazy. XOXOXOXO!!
I like the booties. And no, it wouldn’t be nice to have a job. Don’t you prefer to stay home and blog?
Maddy. The only reason I want a job is that I feel so awful to be dependent on Bonaparte! I so much love staying home to blog–but I need income to purchase more boots! Thusly, my job search now has gone from full-time to just looking for part-time. I think employers are more apt to hire “old” hags ie. “Old” cows. ie. “OLD people like me” because ageism is only part time for part time workers! XOXOXOXO!!!
I think you should carry on blogging – yours is one of the best I have read and your photos are great. You don’t need more boots. You have boots. If you want more, go to Pinterest, it is showing me nothing but boots today since my comment! It’s spooky! I think it must know I’m in Australia too because they are mostly Ugg boots.
Anyway good luck with the job hunting I hpope you find something not too taxing!
What love for boots! I’ve got three pairs of shoes…and that’s how it has always been. May your wardrobe overflow with boots of all colors, shapes, sizes, and brands.
Hi Anand. Oh..if I lived back at the beach, you can bet that my shoe collection would be minimal and my boot collection would consist of one pair of Hunter rubber boots. But, alas, I live in the damp, chilly, gray Northeast of the USA. Therefore I thank you so much for the wishes of the overflow of boots! Thank you..XOXOXOXO!!!
You are welcome! Enjoy the boots.
Oh dear, I realized what a fashion ignoramus I am when I read this post. I hadn’t heard of Vince Camuto, Sam Edelman, or Enzo Angiolini before BUT I can say that I like the long brown boots and thought they were very stylish. I’m not so keen on the long black ones, but I agree with Napoleon that the slightly shorter black and brown ones are very great.
It’s funny, there was a time when wearing boots was a man’s thing, but nowadays they only men who get the chance are ones appearing in historical dramas.
Hi Bun. The black and brown boots have served me well over the past winters. They go with everything…but….Your sentence: “It’s funny, there was a time when wearing boots was a man’s thing, but nowadays they only men who get the chance are ones appearing in historical dramas.”…..I think you have given me a post idea!!! I’m working on it now…………………………………..
Hey, that’s great! I’m happy to have been of service. 😀
Wow, what a nice boot collection, my favs are the Chinese Laundry – great color and nice and tall! You can roll up magazines and secure with rubber bands to use to keep your boots standing up tall. 🙂
Thanks gk. I’ll tell ya, those CL boots have held up so well. They are as comfy as slippers. Ohhh..about the magazines. Bonaparte is Felix Unger to my Oscar Madison. As soon as I finish reading a magazine, he comes along and throws it in the trash. It’s crazy. Hmmmm.trash pickup is Friday. I think there is still time for me………..XOXOXO!!
Can you get the Tory Burch boots stretched at the cobbler?
I’m gonna try–but its so hard to find a shoe repair around here. I think I’ll check the net for DIY first…..
I’m jealous of your boot collection. I live in hot, sunny, south Florida so no boots for me.
Hi Diane, but you should have at least one pair just in case you travel up North during the winter……XOXOXOXXO!!!
I’m still wondering about the Thai sticks…… I thought they were firecrackers at first….. Why “sticks?” What happened to baggies? I don’t get it…..
Hi Leslie. I think the sticks could have been a more organic way to carry. I don’t know. All I know is my brother wasn’t too bright to get caught…..and there were plenty of firecrackers in our house that evening………………….XOXOXO!!!
Argh! #%. I went a little insane at TJMaxx last week and had a pile of items I was going to return. In the stack, a $39.99 pair of Unisa boots like the ones you have. Now how can I return them?! 🙂 Also, I could never understand people who said their calves did not fit in boots, and then I turn 50. Lastly, check out plastic boot trees/boot shapers ($6.99 at The Container Store.) They keep your boots so much more organized and aired out when you are not wearing them.
I”m telling you, those Unisa boots are a great buy for the money. They are “vegan” too (which means they are completely man-made plastic products), but if you wear them in garbagy weather, it won’t leave you stressed. I love those boots. Oh….trust me. lots of my daughter’s dance friends have such muscular calves that they also have boot zipper issues. It’s weird. Wide calf boots are too wide on me yet those bane-of-my-existence TB boots are too snug.I”m Never satisfied! XOXOXO!!!