Shit. Yes. On Friday I stepped into shit. Dog shit. The dog shit wasn’t Chippy’s. It belonged to another neighborhood canine. Here’s what happened.

I took Chippy the Wonderdog out for a little “bathroom break” before he and I were to get into the car to run our errands.  After I bent over and scooped up his solid waste, I placed it into a bag and took it over to the trash can.  My little rascal wasn’t ready for the car yet so I took him he took me for a little walk.

Back in the car, I noticed a very particular and disagreeable odor while driving to Home Goods.  It couldn’t possibly have been coming from Chippy—but yet, I kept smelling this shitty odor.  I had an epiphany. If it wasn’t Chippy; it had to be me! Oh God—as soon as I got to the parking lot, I looked down at my little cordovan and tassled Bass Weejun.  The side and the bottom of my shoe was covered in dog doo-doo!

Yes. I realize this is a disgusting image–but this is what happens when doggie parents do not pick up after their little angels. THANK GOD IT WAS NOT SUMMERTIME–I would have been barefoot…

I shan’t (um..I’m on a Dickens roll from the movie marathon the other day) tell you what words came spewing out of my mouth when I saw just how covered my shoe was.  I will give you a hint though. One word was “mother”. The other word started with the letter “f” and ended with the letter “r”.  I also ranted on a variation of the word that starts with the letter “f” and ends with the letter “k”.

I’m a rather classy broad when it comes to getting my best gutter mouth on—especially when I have a great excuse.   Not to be off topic, but isn’t it ironic that so many people who demand the right to bear arms, which leads to violence, will love any violent act, but show them a tit or curse in front of their monstrous offspring and they will be “offended”. I’m trying to process that.

Luckily, I carry empty plastic bags in the car. For Chippy. Just in case.   I wiped the shit off my shoe and proceeded into Home Goods.  My mission was to find a skirt for our Crooked Christmas Tree. Every evening after dinner, Bonaparte summons me over to the tree where I hold it still whilst (Dickens!) Bonaparte fiddles around trying to straighten said tree.  Almost a week later, the tree still remains crooked.

A week later and the tree is still crooked–but I have the skirt!

Anyway,  keeping with my rustic theme, I found a burlapish skirt with red snowflakes. It does the job. It was the right price too–$19.99.

Here’s a better pic. Isn’t it cute?  It matches my rustic theme too–I’m so happy!

I figured I could also wear it as a cape if need be. What if I go out Christmas Caroling? I can throw the tree skirt over my shoulders and have a very festive but chic look!

….I could also stand in as “OLD” Mrs. Claus!  Look at my roots–they look like…..shit!  Wow–this weekend IS starting off pretty shitty!

I’m telling you, this morning of errands really had to be well-planned.  Since I had Chippy with me, I had to be strategic.  Two food runs had to be made. One run to Wegmans for groceries and the other to the Farmer’s Market in Wayne.  I couldn’t leave any food unattended while my little angel was in the car because he would eat whatever I purchased.  This was some serious errand Fung Shui.

Upon leaving Home Goods, I drove over to Wegmans. The holiday baking preps needed to be started and I loaded up on all the healthy stuff—like butter and sugar and full-on gluten in the form of white flour.  Chips both chocolate and white chocolate were also loaded into the cart.  Sugar too. Anything else to add to the holiday weight gain was also thrown into the cart.  Got the groceries and headed home. Well. Almost. I had to stop at Starbucks for my Nonfat Chai Latte—because I’m addicted.

Home again. Took Chippy for another bathroom break and put the groceries away.

Something tells me that Chippy would rather be lazing on the love seat than accompanying me in the car. My driving isn’t THAT bad!

Onto the mall.  Did you know that stratagem is needed to plan your trips to the mall during Christmas season?  Monday through Thursdays are good.  Friday, Saturday and Sundays are bad.  I braved Friday by parking way, way, way in the back area of King of Prussia Mall. The parking lot is dangerous. The added benefit was that I was able to use this far away parking as an excuse for faux-exercising.  I sprinted into the mall.

Why did I go to the mall, you may wonder.  I received a gift card from Sephora. $20.00 off of any purchase over $50.00.  This gave me an excuse to spend $30.00 that I didn’t have. But hey, Sephora was thinking about me so how could I not reciprocate?  I picked up the Urban Decay Naked Smokey Eye Shadow palette.  This is normally fifty-four bucks.  Imagine my holiday glee when I spent only $34.00 that I didn’t have!

Merry Christmas to me from Sephora–I am still questioning how Sephora gave me a gift and I STILL ended up spending money I don’t have! It’s a great palette though!

Next stop at the mall was DAVIDsTEA.

DAVIDsTEA is the latest addition to our mall. I will be spending much time here!

Oona was all ga-ga over the tea she had when she was in Toronto and could not wait to get back home to tell me all about this relatively new tea company.  I thought it would be a great idea to pick up a package of the tea she raved about so we could enjoy some over Christmas while pushing each other’s buttons!

Oona could not stop raving about the Toasted Walnut Tea.  I’m in love with the smoky flavored Lapsang Souchong Star Tea–it tastes very earthy–like dirt!

Back in the car and to the Farmer’s Market in Wayne.  Bonaparte requested that I make Cornish Game Hen for Saturday night’s dinner.   I was game for that (pun delightfully intended)!  Going to the Farmer’s Market in Wayne by myself proves my love and admiration for Bonaparte. The place is a filthy mess. The many stands are dirty and shoddy looking. In the past,  I’ve purchased fish that I couldn’t eat because it wasn’t fresh.  I’ve purchased baked goods that I’ve thrown in the trash and I’ve also had dried up cous-cous salad from one of the vendors.  I am not a fan of this place.

However, the saving grace to this place of filth and disgust is the wonderful Rittenhouse Farms.  Their poultry is off the charts amazing.  I don’t know what the Rittenhouse people are feeding their chickens, hens, rabbits and pheasants, but whatever it is—the poultry is meaty, moist and delicious.  It’s the only place I can buy chicken breasts.  AND their stand is the only one that is spanking clean!

Do you live near me?  Might I suggest a trip to the Wayne Farmer’s Market–just for the sake of purchasing your poultry at Rittenhouse Farms!!

The cleanest vendor at the market. The staff at Rittenhouse are just as nice as their products!

Sometimes Bonaparte amazes me because he is such a clean freak and the fact he loves this pig sty of a market is a mystery to me.  I mean, he practically goes into cardiac arrest when I put my feet up on the dashboard of the car because my shoes and/or my feet leave marks—but he’ll be in seventh heaven at a filthy market that sells food!!!!! Go figure.

Errands completed and onto Saturday….

Saturday had me pondering adding a second blog.  I’m seriously thinking of creating a food blog. I know. I know.  Who needs another food blog—right?  This blog would be an extension of my imperfections.  Just a blog with my recipes and successes and complete fails.

The issue is working with WordPress.  Hey. I love WP, and I just renewed my plan. But trying to navigate through WP is like me being lost in a forest without a compass or a map. Actually it is more like me being lost in a forest with a compass and a map. I understand neither.  Trust me, if I go through with this there will be much more cursing and unladylike behavior!

Giving up on the second blog, I had to clean out the pantry. AGAIN. I needed to get organized for my holiday baking and truth be told, I can’t bake until the mess is tidied up and organized!

Let’s see how long the pantry will stay organized!

I did manage to make a lovely dinner of Cornish hen with a sauce made of a cherry and brandy reduction, potatoes sautéed in duck fat, microwaved frozen spinach and a crème caramel for dessert.

I spatchcocked the hens.  Spatchcocking is simply cutting the backbone out and flattening the bird–butterflying.  It makes for a more even roast and shortens the time! Don’t the cherries and rosemary look festive?

Cubed potatoes in duck fat are the best way to make potatoes! Duck fat rules!

Dessert was Bonaparte’s favorite. Creme Caramel (it’s CAR-A-MEL. Not CARMUL!). He ate the whole thing!

At least part of my day was productive.

Sunday had me doing housework in the form of dusting. I hate dusting. But the saving grace is that I allow the dust to pile up so when I do dust, I make it worthwhile!

Dusting is the most annoying chore. I would rather spend a weekend ironing!

I also gave myself a roller set. THAT process took all day, and in the evening my hair still wasn’t completely dried. If I had the head of hair I used to have before losing half of it, my tresses would still be damp on this Monday!

The end result of my roller set.  At least my gray roots are well-hidden!

A search for one of my favorite Christmas ornaments was also conducted.  The Moravian Star ornament that Oona got me years ago.  I searched high and low for this sparkly little beauty and it is nowhere to be found. I’m incredibly upset because of the sentimental value this gem offers.

The Moravian Star ornament that Oona gave me was one of my favorites.  Watch–I’ll find it in some obscure place some time in July!

Tomorrow I will drive into Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to the Moravian Bookstore to replace it. But I’ll wait till Oona comes home on Christmas Eve to have her hang it on the tree.

Our weekend ended watching Louis Malle’s “Murmur of the Heart”. I hadn’t seen it in like thirty years and it held up well—in addition, Bonaparte’s uncle, Daniel Gelin played the dad. Something even Bonaparte forgot about. Ya know, my weekend may have started out like shit, but it ended nicely!

Louis Malle touched a taboo subject in THIS film.  It was actually a good movie!

Enjoy the beginning of your week everyone.  Hanukkah has begun and to my friends and family who celebrate this wonderful festival of lights, I wish you an enjoyable eight days and evenings….. Love, Lights and Peace! XOXOXOXO

Adam Sandler and The Hanukkah Song…