Truthfully, I have so much to say about nothing. But before I can do that, I need to get organized.  It’s a weird thing.  When I was employed, my organization skills were stellar. I’m pretty sure that’s because I was paid to be efficient and organized.

On the other hand, my personal organization skills suck. My day planners and agendas have all fell to an early death—usually within days of starting to organize my life.  And my emotional state of mind definitely has an effect on my lack of organization.

I get into these “moods” where I absolutely have to complete one task to move on to the other.

It is happening now with my writing.

I am stymied because my personal disorganization is a crime.  Oh. I’m very organized when it comes to preparing a meal or packing for a trip or organizing an event or family gathering. But when organizing for me it falls apart.

It’s late Wednesday afternoon.  I’m just getting around to writing a blog post that came to mind yesterday but in order to write, there were some tasks that needed to be done.  You know what?  I’m just gonna give you a timeline of my disorganized attempt to be organized. It started like this…

7 AM. Wake up and enjoy my morning cup of coffee that Bonaparte brewed.  I slowly drink while thinking about being organized and thinking about blog posts. I also think about how I’m procrastinating by lazing in bed.

9AM. Put makeup on. Get dressed. Get undressed and redressed.  Ugh. My roots are so in need of color that I just throw some fake hair on top of my real hair—like a hat!

I even managed to brush on a nice shade of lipstick applied very carefully and add a smile!

10AM. Get in car and drive to Staples to get organized. I will revisit my old Franklin Covey Day Planner.

10:15. Exit car. Remote isn’t locking my car. Look down at keys. Oh shit! I took Bonaparte’s keys instead of mine. (He keeps my spare on his key chain). Get back into car and rush home before Bonaparte leaves to see client. He won’t be happy if his keys are gone.

10:30.  Home. Bonaparte laughs and tells me he has a spare car key. I didn’t need to rush home. However, since I’m here, I run upstairs to adjust my fake hair.  I ask Chippy if he wants to come with me. He runs downstairs to the door.

Yes. I had to adjust my fake hair.  I blend the fake with the real  for a more “faux natural” look!

10:45. Back at Staples.  Sales Assistant approaches me and asks me if I need help. I’m guessing since he saw me talking to myself rather loudly, store management asked him to keep an eye on me.  I explain to him that I need lined note paper for the refillable 7-hole binder.  All I can find is three-holed refills.  He tells me I cannot use 3-hole paper in a 7-holed binder because the holes don’t line up correctly.  I ask him if he thinks I am one asshole. He doesn’t think I am very “punny”.   I also tell him I am OCD and will make the 3-holed paper fit into the 7-holed agenda.  Visibly shaken, he runs away from me.  I check to see if my fake hair is on straight.

I’m sure you are smart and intelligent enough to figure out that the three-holed paper would NEVER fit into the 7-holed binder.  I’m not smart nor am I logical enough to figure this out!

Now I can go home and write!!!!!  Oh wait. I need to stop at Wegmans.

11:30.  Wegmans. I get pissed off and threaten to write a letter to corporate offices because once again, they are rearranging the freaking store and I cannot find what I need.  After wasting time in search of healthy food and puff pastry for the Galette des Rois for Epiphany, I finally make it to the cashier. The cashier asks me with a smug grin “Did you find everything you were looking for?”.   I’m thinking  “No you smug bitch. I didn’t find everything I was looking for because the powers that be within Wegmans insist on rearranging the fucking store every three months”.  Instead, I just blabber “Eh. Yeah, but it would have taken me less time if they didn’t constantly move everything around so often……”    I go to the Customer Service desk and purchase six lottery tickets.  Powerball.  Someone who gets their ticket at an obscure gas station in the Ozarks will win. I will just be out twelve bucks.

12:45. Home. Undress and get into comfy Old Navy PJ bottoms and tee shirt. Take off fake hair and put what is left of real hair into a messy bun.  Go downstairs and put groceries away.

It should have only taken a moment to put these groceries away. Instead, I took out People, read about the people who lost half their weight and did some self-loathing because I can’t even manage to lose 25 pounds!

I notice that I purchased Phyllo dough sheets instead of Puff Pastry. I’ll have to make another trip to Wegmans. Prepare to write by making a nice cup of tea.  I glance in the living room and wonder if the “good” slipcovers that I washed on Sunday are air dried.

This phyllo dough was placed behind the sign that read “puff pastry”. Now I have to actually LOOK at what I’m grabbing for?????

1 PM.  The slipcovers are dried. I’ll write after I take the temporary slipcovers off the sofa and then put the “good” slipcovers back on the sofa. Oh..and I might as well wash the slipcovers I just took off—then I’ll write.

Nice. The “Good” slipcovers were dried. Now I can place them back on the sofa!

1:10 PM.  I start to iron the good slipcovers and stop. It’s just too much. Besides, I ironed the most important part—the skirt.  Put iron and ironing board away and notice a little CD case on the bookshelf. OMG! It’s my backup of John Mayer’s “Born and Raised”! I’m so happy because I thought it was lost.   (Don’t judge. I have backups for all my John Mayer, Kinks, and Jimi Hendrix CD’s. You never know when your car will be broken into.)  

I was so happy to find this so conveniently located, that I ended up playing it. I must have “repeated” Walt Grace twenty times!

I run upstairs to put the good slipcovers on the sofa.  What a struggle. I break out in a sweat—this is such great exercise for me.  I stop to admire how nice and new the sofa looks.  I need to wash the slipcovers on a more regular basis.  I sit down to play a round of “Candy Crush”.

Looks so much better with cleaned slipcovers.  I really need to paint those walls. Maybe Bonaparte will be summoned to France for family business soon. Then I can “sneak” a  DIY paint job. I want a light gray color!

1:45 PM.  I gather the temporary slipcovers and take them downstairs to launder. It’ll take three hours to do two loads.  I’ll write after the slipcovers are washed. In the meantime, I’ll organize my 7-Hole Daily Planner.  I should have listened to the sales assistant at Staples.  There is no way the 3-holed paper is going to fit into the 7-ringed planner.  Fuck my life.  Somewhere in the bowels of one of the bins in the hall closet is a 3-holed binder that I use as a reference point for information about my trips to France.  My bright idea is that I’ll take the France information out of the 3-ringed binder and use that as my new planner and journal and use the 7 ringed planner as my France binder.

THIS is the binder I searched for. Just my luck it was in the last bin!

I go into the closet and take the bins out. My back begins to hurt. The binder I am searching for is in the very last bin I take out of the closet.  I put the bins back in the closet and go over to the coffee table to try to organize my binders.  After the slipcovers are washed and after the binders are organized I’ll finally start to write.

THIS is how I organize.  I even purchased one of those flash drives to store my writing in! I only hope I remember to use it!

Jesus H. Christ!  I had no idea that “Where Angels Go Trouble Follows” was on while I was organizing AND listening to John Mayer.  More procrastination!

3:55 PM. Almost done. I’ll tell you, I was becoming quite overwhelmed trying to organize these binders. I need to do this because it’ll help me to be more focused on my writing.  I need to stop and write down blog post ideas during the day (as if I don’t have enough already). I’m also gathering up ideas for a book. Yes. I’ve been thinking about writing a novel for quite some time now it will come to fruition as I become organized.  I go upstairs to make another cup of tea so I don’t start a binge of emotional snacking.  I go back into the living room to admire the clean sofa one more time.

Yes. The two sofas are more connected now!

I glance down at the coffee table.  Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of “In Style” magazine. WTF? This woman only has ONE expression.  I start to think. What came first? Zoolander’s infamous “Blue Steel” post or JLo’s dopey come hither look?  I throw the magazine in the trash because I am sick of JLo’s same expression.

This woman has only one expression. She’s a female Zoolander….

..or did Zoolander use Lopez as his posing muse????

4:30 PM.  I am ready to write. 

No I’m not.  I have to go back to Wegmans and exchange the phyllo dough for the puff pastry.

To be continued…..XOXOXOXOXO!!!

In the meantime, have a listen to one of my favorite (and Oona’s) John Mayer songs.  “Walt Grace’s Submarine Test–1967”. This song is great because it’s a story.  I can actually visualize James Spader in the part of Walt Grace if ever there was a movie based on this song………. The video is great!