Thursday, January 28, 2016

Dear Diary:

Today marks the 7^th day that I’ve been indoors. I’ve only been outside to shovel the one scoop of snow before Bonaparte lovingly threw my fat ass back in the warmth of the chateau. I’ve also been outside to allow my beautiful designer rescue dog, Chippy, to do his business.

I am going stir crazy.

When I woke up this morning, I turned on the TV to greet my two delusional BFF’s.  Matt O’Donnell and Tamla Edwards, the co-anchors of 6Action News.

Matt O’Donnell and Tamla Edwards are anchor rock stars.  Oona and I used to watch them in the morning before she went to school. These days I watch my delusional best friends with Chippy!  BTW, Matt’s hair looks epic here. Tamla’s hair always looks great!

I knew something was seriously wrong with my state of mind when I started a conversation with the both of them. And they answered me back.

Me:     Ugh. Matt. Did you get a HAIRCUT?? OMG. It’s so short!

Matt:  And a good morning to you too, Cathe.   As a matter of fact, I DID get my hair cut.

Tamla: Cathe. That’s really rude. I think Matt’s hair looks fine.

Me:     Knock it off Tamla. Matt needs fuller and bigger hair. Besides—he’s in a rock band. He NEEDS longer hair. Am I right??

Tamla: (sighs and turns to Matt). Matt, I’m afraid Cathe is right. Your hair DOES look better a bit longer.

Matt:  Great! (Eyeroll of disgust), How can I anchor the news knowing my hair isn’t right?

Me:     Go over to CBS and ask Jim Donovan. HE has the best news hair in the entire universe.

Yeah. That’s right. Jim Donovan IS the man of the blessed hair. I am now referring to him as St. James of the Divine Tresses. I think I’ll start praying to him for better hair days! Do you know how stressful it is for me to jump from Matt and Tam on 6ABC to St. James on CBS? My fingers sweat from clicking the remote!

Bonaparte, upon placing my morning cup of coffee in my delicate and fragile hand, kindly reminded me to perhaps get up out of bed, take a bath, shave my legs and get dressed. Ehhh?  He didn’t have to see clients until later this afternoon.  He suggested that perhaps after he drove his granddaughter to school, we could run some errands together.

Was Bonaparte suggesting that my six-day, non-washed hair and unshaved legs were a sign of no self-respect?  Probably, but I love the way my hair looks when it gets dirty. Would St. James of the Divine Tresses think otherwise? Eww. My lips are so chapped!

I thought that would be a great idea since I needed to buy hair dye to color my roots.  I mean, I’m leaving on a jet plane next week to visit Oona. I can’t go to see my daughter with gray white roots!

 Before I sat my blubbery body down into the deep, hot, bubbly water of the tub, I glanced at my naked body. Hmmmm..I think the Paleo lifestyle may be working.  My waist looked a bit more indented—and I wasn’t sucking it in!

After I took my bath and dried off, I ran into the bowels of my closet where I have my “displaced” wardrobe. Those are clothes that no longer fit, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them because I want to wear them when I’m skinny again. Among the clothing is an old pair of original J. Crew Pixie Pants. The good ones that were made before Jenna Lyons and Drexler decided to go cheapy.  These stretch but haven’t fit me in quite some time because my thighs and butt grew at an enormous rate.

You have no idea how happy I was that my “ORIGINAL” J. Crew Pixie pants slid over my thighs and around my butt.  I’m thrilled.  Maybe one of these years my old size 6 clothing will fit again!

Holy shit!  They fit beautifully. I was so happy that I wanted to eat a Sundae made with Pecan Praline ice cream, gobs of chocolate hot fudge, salted walnuts and topped with whipped cream. Then I realized that on Paleo I cannot eat dairy or sugar.  I opted for swallowing saliva instead.

Diary. Today is Throw Back Thursday on Facebook!!!!!  I have to look through old photos to post.  Ohhhh. I found some old pics of the kids and realized that I truly, compared to today’s entitled parents raising entitled children, was a bad mother! I let my kids eat pizza and McDonald’s at such a young age—and allowed them to wash it all down with soda!  I let them play with dangerous toys, such as Ghostbusters pop guns. OMG. How did my kids ever survive?

I don’t know what’s worse–the fact that I held a birthday for Jake at Mc Donalds, or that I took pics of Roman eating pizza at three years old and THEN saw a Kodak moment when he held his soda like a drunk on a bender. No. What’s worse is that I’m still laughing at that bottom photo.

To make matters worse, I allowed my children to eat unassisted, like little animals shoving their faces into cake no less. CAKE!! AND IT ISN’T GLUTEN-FREE! Man, I really sucked at the mommy skills. Look at Jake at his half-birthday (note the “half” cake and “half” hat and “half” candle)..he’s going after the flame!

I also let Oona devour cake half naked. Screw that. I’m not getting those little girl designer clothes from alphabet city get dirty. Go naked and eat.  What will the fundie Christians think of me????

I also allowed my boys to feed vicious wild animals and go swimming in the Atlantic ocean by themselves!

Oh wait! For being such a bad mommy, look how happy the kids are!  Damn, I may have been bad mommy, but I sure knew how to have fun with the kids!

I decided to play around with my eye makeup.  God knows what possessed me, but I applied orange eye shadow on my lids.  It looked horrific but I didn’t care. The eye shadow is part of a Stila compact that I love and the orange looks pretty good when I’m fake-tanned and bronzed during the summer. I look like Jackie-O-Lantern.

How disgusting is this orange eye shadow? It’s so pitiful that I didn’t even bother to wipe the mascara off my upper lid.  Its a sign that my lashes are growing back! I really need to trash that orange shadow.  I’m shocked that Bonaparte never mentioned anything about it!

The snow is still here and not going anywhere so I decided to wear my Unisa boots that are dupes for the iconic   Stuart Weitzman 50/50 Boots . I can’t afford the 50/50’s but the Unisa Boots were under forty bucks on sale at DSW so who cares if they get ruined by the snow? Am I right?

Isn’t this photo melange so fashion blogger-friendly?  Look at the bottom photo, I even got the pidgeon-toed pose down pat! Seriously, these Unisa boots were a great buy!

I’m so inferior.  As a blogger, I should be able to have a professional photographer take photos of me in my entire narcissistic splendor. Instead I have to rely on my iPhone and my crossed eyes that are constantly out of focus. C’est la vie!

When we got to route 422, the bane of existence for anyone who has to drive to work, I noticed that at 9:45 in the morning, traffic was at a standstill.  I was secretly giddy with delight!  I went to twirl my imaginary moustache with a “Nya ha haaa”, but realized that I needed a lip wax when I was actually able to twirl the hair above my lip!

Dick Dastardly isn’t the only one who can twirl a moustache!

It’s a good thing Bonaparte was with me to run errands.  I would have spent a fortune of his money at Sally Beauty Supply had I been on my own.  Instead, I lucked out on a twofer on the hair dye that I use!  I picked up another teasing comb so I could throw it into my carry on bag for next week’s trip…

Ladies. Please. If you must have but one comb to tease you hair, THIS is the comb to get. It’s under three bucks and makes incredibly big hair. Remember, the higher the hair, the closer to Hipster Jesus!

Speaking of which, the second I got into the car, Bonaparte mentioned that we should go next door to TJ Maxx and look for a piece of “proper” carry on luggage.  I knew very well what he meant. He wanted me to get a small suitcase. I explained that I LOVE my Longchamp weekender. I’ve grown much attached to it as I’m like a pit bull. Very territorial.

So to please my Frenchman, I agreed to lurk through all the “last season” cast offs at TJ’s.   I found a cute little Silly-Putty colored carry on suitcase by Guess.  This is actually a good thing.  It isn’t black. Everyone and their sister has a black suitcase so the light color will be easier to spot—especially if some asshole tries to run off with it.  The other thing is that it’ll get filthy and dirty a lot quicker and who wants to steal a filthy dirty suitcase?

I love the color, it’s like “Silly Putty” and it’ll match my nude Repetto ballet flats and light tan Nan & Nin bag! I’ll travel just like royalty!

Bonaparte made the mistake of asking me asked if I needed anything else. While we were there I picked up some inexpensive panties and a bra. I threw in one of those travel neck pillows for good luck and comfort!

This Calvin Klein Bra is good for under button-down shirts because it isn’t that padded so the buttons will lie smoothly. All of this is in my bag for next week’s trip!

Off to Barnes & Noble next. Bonaparte picked up a couple of books. He’s very deep. He picked up books that I would never read.  He asked me if I wanted anything and  I said “No”.  Diary, I really fear there is something seriously wrong with me. Nothing at Barnes and Noble struck me as anything I wanted to read.  I hope it isn’t my appendix. What side is my appendix on anyway?  I could have found something to read.

I HAD to take a photo of this.  Look at the placement.  My hat is off to the person who did this.  I’m wondering how many people passed this and got a good chuckle?

And suddenly, I had a craving for beef liver. I’m telling you. This Paleo thing is making me crave offal an awful lot! I’m dreaming of liver, kidneys and tongue! The snow has gotten to me in more ways than one—I’ll tell you that much!   The other day I almost got into a fist fight with the meat person at the KOP Wegman’s.  I asked if the  pretend “Butcher”  had any beef or calves liver.  The guy looked at me as though I was crazy (which I am) and  smugly told me that they throw the fresh liver in the trash.  The only liver they had was frozen.

Fucktard.

I walked over to the frozen meat section and there was no liver. Then I went to Giant supermarket and they didn’t have fresh liver either.

Today we went to Acme in Paoli. The store has a real butcher. Not a pretend one like Wegman’s.   I asked the butcher if they had fresh beef or calves liver. They didn’t. All they had was frozen.

How come stores don’t sell fresh liver anymore? I know that I am NOT the only person on Philly’s Main Line who is on Paleo so where is the offal? I’m awfully upset!

I picked up a pack of frozen liver and broccoli rabe. That’s my dinner for tonight and I cannot wait to eat.  I’m so hungry that Chippy is beginning to resemble a hot dog—but hot dogs are processed food so I wouldn’t be able to eat him anyway.

Chippy ran downstairs after he saw that mad look in my eyes. No Chippy, I won’t eat you!

Diary, I’m earning “brownie points” today.  When we arrived home, Bonaparte asked me if I was going to take a drive to the outlets. I mentioned earlier that I would probably spend my afternoon walking around the outdoor shops.

I told Bonaparte that I didn’t want to be tempted to spend his money.  I may be a crazed old woman but like Eliza Doolittle, I’m a good girl, I am! Either  that or I really am seriously ill!

Yeah. I’m a real Eliza Doolittle!

Oh,Diary. The snow has turned me into a stir-crazed woman, but it’s nice to be here with Chippy and a nice cuppa tea on this late January day!  I’m very optimistic that it won’t snow for the rest of the season.

How optimistic am I?  I’ve been singing this Shirley Temple song all afternoon. Pathetic that I know all the words:  “Be Optomistic” from Little Miss Broadway and starring The Brian Sisters!  BE OPTOMISTIC Everyone!! XOXOXO

I want that outfit!