Again, I’m late to the party.  Upon our return from DC, I sat down and watched, not only the entire Oscar ceremony; but I surfed various pre-Oscar “Red Carpet Event” shows.   I was expecting excitement, titillation, and some politically incorrect bombs to be dropped.  I was also expecting to be “wowed” by glamorous gowns, perfect makeup and coifs to die for.  Oh. I was also anticipating seeing OLDER actresses parading around in their entire mature splendor.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  I wanted to see trashy, slutty, classless dresses–the overzealous bling. I didn’t expect to see that Amy Poehler used the fabric from an Oriental inspired curtain to make a gown.  Was she channeling Carol Burnett?

Actually, Burnett’s ensemble looked better!

For the most part, Oscar night was an epic fail. A snooze fest if you will.  But one I stayed awake for.  Thank you, Oscar, for causing weakness to my immune system. And now, because of you, I’m sitting here with watery eyes, a runny nose, a sore throat and the beginnings of one bad-ass cold.

I will be drinking a Hot Toddy for dinner this evening, followed by a dessert of NyQuil.

THESE should have been my Oscar buddies. Maybe I wouldn’t be so sick now!

*Sigh* I’m rambling so please–allow me start by saying what I enjoyed most about this year’s Oscar ceremony.

Chris Rock.  He rocks.  He was funny and charming. And he delivered. He addressed the diversity issue with humor and without bitterness.  I love him.

Too bad Chris Rock didn’t have more air time while hosting. Love the “white” jacket! 

I also loved that Chris Rock is a great humanitarian.  He obviously realized that the seats of the ceremony would be filled with young actresses, starlets and actress wannabees on the arms of older actors.  He knew those women most likely hadn’t eaten in days, weeks, months and would be literally starved for both attention and morsels of food!

That’s right Olivia. Keep that mouth opened and have your boyfriend force feed you. You got too skinny!

Olivia. You’re so pretty but you looked better when you were more filled out. Eat those Girl Scout cookies as if you were a Hoover vacuum cleaner girlfriend!

And so, he sold Girl Scout cookies. No wonder he raked in over 65 grand!!!!  OMG. The lines at the ladies room when the ceremony was over must have been a mile long. Just imagine all those women bending over the toilets with their fingers down their throats to bring back the sweet taste of those tossed cookies once again.

Thank you for feeding the poor of spirit Chris. I shan’t forget your philanthropic gesture! I love you.

I also enjoyed:

Saoirse Ronan.  Her green gown and mismatched earrings made her THE best dressed of the evening. Oh. And I also found out her middle name is Una. Same name as my daughter, but with a different spelling!  She was the youngest Best Actress nominee and she was the best dressed. Saoirse was the only one to carry off that dopey plunge in a great-fit and color of a dress!

She’s perfect! This shade of green and the mismatched earrings are a beautiful and different combo. Thank you for not being boring!

Leonardo Di Caprio’s win for best actor. It is always great to see an actor who has made the transition from child star. It is even greater when he remains grounded and humble. And—oh what a son; his mom was his date!

It was great to finally see Leo win. And to think he got his big break on the sitcom “Growing Pains”.  I was even able to overlook that he said “my” team–because I’m sure he meant his cheerleading team!

Angela Bassett’s tribute to Black History Month after that awkward appearance of Stacy Dash.

Awkward!!!

The beautiful and gorgeous 57-year old Basset introduced Black History Month  Minute.  I want to know why there aren’t more roles for Angela Bassett. She needs go get on board the ageism revolution!

NOT Awkward!  Just funny and we get to see the beautiful Angela Bassett!

What I found uneventful/boring/snoozefestish: All the Oscar-nominated songs.  Every year, we, the home audience is seemingly  punished  tortured with about twenty minutes worth of bad songs. Those twenty minutes could be better spent shaved off and we can all get to bed a bit earlier. I need my beauty sleep, you know.  Besides; that’s what the Grammy’s are for—watching the performances.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Lady Ga-Ga and I am fully aware of the emotional message of the song she sang. But I’m tired with the same old, same old.  Oscar nominated songs = Disney Elton John.  I want the Tumbleweed Connection and Madman Across The Water Elton John back.

I love Lady GaGa. I really do. But the song, along with this outfit, just didn’t make the cut! BTW I’m tempted to draw cat eyes on her boobs and cat whiskers across her waist.  What was she thinking?

The Red Carpet:  I’ll admit. Robin Roberts, another fifty-something woman, looked fabulous!   In fact, she gets my vote as second best dressed at the Oscars.  But the dumb ass questions all the entertaining reporters ask.  Man—if I was reporting on the red carpet I would ask the following–

Reporter Robin Roberts looked better than 99% of the stars!  This 55 year-old woman ruled the red carpet! Classiest dress of the evening!

• To Julianne Moore: Do you get fillers in your face? I mean, you really, really look incredibly young.  Come on. What is your secret?  I don’t care about your dress because you never get the dress right. I want the deets on your hair and makeup. Are you besties with Tom Ford?  Can you tell him to lower the pricing on his cosmetics line?

She HAS to have fillers. Look at that neck. Look at that face. I need to ask her so many questions….

I also need to know why her BFF Tom Ford has such an overpriced cosmetics line. So unfair to poor women like me!

• To Rooney Mara: Why do you always look like you are auditioning for “The Walking Dead”? Do you know how to smile? Why do you always look so miserable?  Do you realize how many unemployed actresses are waiting tables right now and would jump at the chance to be here—they would be grinning from ear to ear—does that make you feel better?

Seriously. A smile wouldn’t hurt her. It just may make Rooney Mara look a bit more alive!

• To ALL of the women: Do you ever eat? If you do, what was the last meal you ate before sticking your finger down your throat? Do you like your prune juice heated up or room temperature?

• Other random questions: I don’t see panty line—are you wearing panties?  If you aren’t, what are you going to do if you fall down in those seven-inch heels?  How are you going to get back up without exposing your origin of the world—especially since you have a slit in your dress up to your thighs!

• What’s in your purse? Did you bring money with you in case you can’t find your limo after you go to one of the parties and get drunk and have to call a cab?

• If you didn’t wear underwear what are you going to do if you laugh too hard and spring a little bit of a pee-pee? Or worse, what if you shart? Did you have moist towelettes in your purse?

• Have you ever tried to keep the free attire that has been “loaned” to you? Have you ever spilled something on it so you could keep it?

• Have you ever made an attempt to steal the jewelry that has been loaned to you?

• Would you donate your gift bag to the poor—and keep the goodies in the bag when you donate it?

• Can I have your gift bag?

• Have you ever had bad thoughts toward your fellow nominees?

• Why do actors and actresses who win awards refer to all the people who worked on the film as “MY” team? Who are you to think that you are that important?  Will you ever get over yourself?

 I cannot believe that I gave up watching the third episode of “Vinyl” to watch The Oscars.

Poor Olivia Wilde. She doesn’t look too happy here. I guess she was upset that she couldn’t be home watching herself on Vinyl. Or she was afraid that her boobs would pop out with one false move. Or she was just pissed that she didn’t get a word in because Sacha Baron Cohen as Ali G didn’t give her the chance to talk!

 I cannot believe the absence of older women on camera. What a disgrace.

(Photo by Todd Williamson/Getty Images)

Charlotte Rampling was a beautiful example of a stunning older woman. Why weren’t there more like her photographed? Why weren’t more women like her in movies???

And what about that, Alicia Vikander, who snagged the best supporting actress award? I’ll admit—she’s a good actress. In fact, she was great in “A Royal Affair”. But to say “MY team” in your acceptance speech. Get over yourself.  It’s a supporting actress award.  You very well could be a one-trick ponytail!

Little miss thingy was a bit full of herself by referring to the crew as “MY” team.  The bottom of her dress looks like the cloud bread that I make….

Maybe the inspiration for her dress WAS a cloud bread!

I dunno. Maybe in the Academy’s mind, there was a lot of diversity displayed.  Alicia Vikander, a Dane won best supporting actress.

Sam Smith, a gay man won for best song.

And BTW, I like chunky Sam better than “I-Need-A-Box-of-Girl-Scout-Cookies” Sam.  And the song was boring.

Alejandro González Iñárritu, a very handsome Mexican, won the Oscar for best director.

Alejandro–you better hope Trump doesn’t become President. He won’t allow you to make any more films!

Ennio Morricone, an Italian won for the best film score.

I’m so sure that The Academy thought they were so incredibly diverse that they probably gave Ennio a nice pizza backstage!

Jenny Beavan, a Brit, won for best costume design—and might I add, good for her for dressing in what made her feel comfortable!

Ok. So Jenny MAY resemble Steve Vilanch a bit. But that was no reason for people to give her disapproving glances (inset) at the Oscars. Good for her for dressing comfortable. Hey Jenny. I was wearing Old Navy PJ bottoms and a raggy tee while watching you. We’re practically twins!

In my mind—the diversity issue won’t be solved until the older population is represented. I want to see films about older people in love. I want to see humorous stories about older adults without the idiotic stereotypes.  I want to see nude scenes with older adults.  I want others to see an older body.  It’s far better than having to look at senseless violence.  And I want those older actors and actresses to be White, Black, Asian, wrinkled, flabby, with all the beautiful character of their imperfections.  I want to see REAL special needs people in roles about special needs people.

And next year, I want more entertainment out of the Oscar ceremony. I want trash and over-the-top bling. I want inappropriate behavior and political incorrectness.

Well, I’m going back to bed. And I’m going to catch up on pure silly, campy, delicious FUN. I’m gonna go watch “Vinyl”.

Here’s a song that SHOULD have been nominated for an Oscar in 1977 and wasn’t. It was Oscar worthy–The Bee Gees “Stayin’ Alive”!