Sometimes I wonder if Bonaparte pays attention to a word I say.
I had a few high-maintenance items to take care of for our trip.
The nails were a disgusting mess. So I needed a mani-pedi. But it wasn’t just any manicure and pedicure. Since we would be away for just shy of three weeks, I decided to get a gel mani-pedi. The gel polishes last longer and really—they don’t chip off.
In addition, my fingernails were in such awful shape I decided to have a set of acrylics put back on. (Don’t judge. My nails suck). Under normal faux nail situations, I like a longer nail. However, with going away, I decided to go for a shorter, sportier look.
See how pretty my old lady hands and feet are with my new gel mani-pedi? You just cannot go wrong with a bright red. It’s the new OPI gel color of “Big Apple Red”! (No. Not named for the computer store.)
I am very fussy, though, about the shape of my nails and had them rounded out.
I also saw Adam, my hair saint, for a color and blow out. Oh. And while I was at the salon, I also had to make a future appointment for Oona. She’ll be here in August and explained that it was of dire importance that Adam cut her hair.
As usual, he made my hair look spectacular. If it looks this good clean, can you imagine how great it’ll look as it gets dirty? I may not wash my hair the entire time we are away!
Lastly in my cloud of high maintenance was the spray tan. Yes. I decided to go, not for the gold, but for the delightfully delicious bronze. The fact is, I actually told Bonaparte that I was going to get sprayed but, he either forgot, he didn’t pay attention, or he tuned me out when I spoke of this procedure.
I’ll get to the actual procedure later. But when Bonaparte saw me after the spray, it kind of went like zis:
I arrived home before Bonaparte. My spray had dried and I was really loving the color of my body! I was so busy admiring myself in the mirror when Bonaparte came upstairs…
I couldn’t help myself. Between the fake tan and the big, fluffy blow out that Adam gave me, I was feeling like the prettiest best looking, average old lady on the planet
Bonaparte: (shocked to see that my legs and arms were not fish-belly white with a tint of veiny blue). “Oh mah Got.” “Wha deed ou dooooo?”
Me: (Very happy because for the first time in my life, I was almost as dark as Bonaparte). ” I got sprayed”. “It’s a spray tan.” “I told you I was getting this done”. “I wanted to be as tan as your Mediterranean peeps!”
Bonaparte: “Wha do ou min, SPAYED?” “Oo SPAYED ou?”
Me: (questioning the word “spayed”) “I got SPRAYED.” “Not SPAYED!!” “Dogs get spayed!” “Are you calling me a DOG?” “Do you ‘sink’ I look UGLY???”
Hey! Even Chippy did a double-take when Bonaparte mentioned that I got “spayed”. I think Chippy may have gotten a bit….excited!
Bonaparte: “Non! Non! Casseeeee” “Em not cullin’ ou a douge!” “Ou look so boo-ee-fuwl wiz zuh spay ten” “Ou much monay did zis spay cos’ me?”
Me: “It was priceless” “Besides—it meks—I mean ‘makes’ me look thinner”
Bonaparte: (a bit suspicious) “Cassee.” “Ou did zis?” “Was eet a men?” “Deed ee see ou nekkeed?”
And so I explained to Bonaparte that no, it was not a man who “spayed” me. It was an adorable young woman named Alexa and I kept making her laugh with my moronic remarks!
Alexa of Luminosity . The place where you can get an airbrush tan AND get your teeth whitened in the same day! She’s a great spray tanner!
Here’s how my “spay” went. I went into a dark booth with mirrors. On the floor was a huge fan. On the walls were hooks for ones purse and clothing. There was also shelving on the wall for personal effects such as jewelry, watches—whatever.
To the right, under the sign is where the tanning magic took place.
I stripped down to everything but my bra. Yes. I took my panties off because I never had a tanned ass before and I figured what the hell.
And I wanted to explain to Alexa that I was keeping my bra on only because what if I took my bra off and then a little bit of the spray tan product seeped into one of my nipples and then I got an infection in my titties?
I didn’t want to scare Alexa with that explanation. Nor did I want her to screw up the application process of airbrushing me.
I never gave a second thought to any tanning product seeping up into my colon from the other end.
My new hairdo was protected with a super strength shower cap.
Before the color. Look how uneven and pasty my skin is. I look like a friggin’ circus clown!
I stepped onto the little towel that worked as a buffer between my precious feet and the floor. Alexa asked me if the fan was too much for me.
She laughed as I told her that my life is one long hot flash so if she wanted, she could turn the fan up a bit.
I followed her commands to put arms up; put arms down; place arms in a square position. Turn legs out. Turn legs in.
But it was the command to stick my butt out that almost made her drop the tanning applicator.
I told her I felt like Kim Kardashian when she posed with her tanned ass to the world but I looked more like Caitlin Jenner!
Actually, it’s a sad day when you realize that Caitlyn Jenner is a better looking woman than you are! But I’m glad my ass isn’t Kim sized!
When all was done, I was thrilled with the result. Kudos to Alexa for giving me the correct “color” tan. She explained to me that with my naturally fair coloring, the darkest tan would not look great. Instead, she sprayed me with a light to medium mixture.
Ten minutes after the ‘spay’! Look toward the bottom right. You can see my bra strap!
Look how ‘natural’ my fake tan line is!
I purchased some tan extender and was on my way. But—I will be back to tan my hide and to make Alexa laugh!
I had a struggle with my new selfie stick today. It was misbehaving! But 24 hours later, the tan is looking mighty good. And no matter how naughty my selfie stick is, it does a great job of making me look twenty pounds lighter! Who needs photoshop????
On the other hand, did I tell you that Bonaparte purchased a new and bigger suitcase for me? Yeah. He couldn’t process the fact that I shoved a ton of clothing into my Longchamp weekender.
We went to Marshalls and I picked out a peachy/pink number by Samsonite. I fell in love with the girly pink mostly because I know it will become filthy and raggy looking in no time. The filthier the suitcase, the less chance of anyone trying to take my stuff!
I guarantee you this suitcase will be spotted with filth by the time we arrive in France! No wonder it was in the clearance area!
Now you know why I get to sit at the “genius” table at the Apple store!
We’ll use my “big” suitcase for our beach towels (because they are heavy) and for my other “stuff” like books, journals, shoes that I forgot about packing and toiletries that would never make it through TSA.
Oh. I also decided to clean my makeup brushes before leaving. Being the lazy slob that I am, I decided to wash the brushes in Dawn dish soap. Winner!!! The grime and old makeup came off so easy. I didn’t even have to scrub!
Check out the chewed ends on some of the brushes. Chippy must’ve thought they were ice cream sticks!
One last thing. Bragging time! My nephew Matt was drafted by the Kansas City Royals. It’s a glorious moment for my baseball family. And it is also a bittersweet one because my dad isn’t here for Matt’s signing. This would have been one of my dad’s happiest life events. But hopefully he is looking down and smiling!
Hey batta batta! Oops. He pitches!!
And now I’m all caught up. Tonight we’ll have a relaxing and light dinner and I will no longer check my luggage because I just don’t want to! XOXOXOXO!!!
In honor of Matt, I want to listen to some John Fogerty! Centerfield!
CASSIE, YOU DO LOOK BOO-EE-FUWL!
Hahahaha! Merci Bernadette!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Hope you have a wonderful trip!!! 🙂 I can tell by Chippy’s expression this was quite the spray. 😉
Thanks D. ….or..Chippy heard “spayed” and his love for me grew! XOXOXO!
The only time I tried a spray tan I had to hide in my house for a weekend and soak my feet in diluted bleach. You, on the other hand, look fantastic! Have a fabulous holiday and keep posting please – your posts cheer my day. Bon voyage from England x
Hi Mrs. I! Hey. I know my fake tans! Honestly, Bonaparte is jealz right now because I’m slightly darker than he is! I’ll be collecting my adventures but I don’t think I’ll be able to post whilst away–but look at how much fun we’ll have upon my return! Thanks! XOXOXO!!!
Spray tanning just reminds me of this episode of Friends … https://youtu.be/1Qhj8TDAuKg
Yup. T! I could say I’m the female Ross! XOXOXOXOXO
You go Girl!!!! Spayed..Sprayed…whatever!! You. Rock. It!!!!
Hi Linda. Oh. I would much rather keep getting sprayed than spayed! XOXOXOXO!!!
Have a fabulous time!!!! Stay Safe!!! XOXOXXOXO
Thanks Linda!! I’ll be thinking of you when I wear my hat! XOXOXOXO!!!
HaHa…can’t wait to see you hat selfies!!!! 😘😘😘😘
Good heavens! You’re way higher maintenance than me, Catherine! mani/pedi/coiffure/spray tan! I cut my hair, my husband’s hair, and we both cut the dog’s fur. I’m deeply impressed by the gel polish. I once paid for nail tips, forgot I was a biter, waited for a subway train, got nervous, and looked down to see fifty bucks of newly-glued nails lying on the platform. Didn’t realize it until the train arrived. Last time I ever did a pro nail job, I can tell ye! You look fabulous. Glad someone is boosting the economy. If the beauty biz had to depend on me the economy would tank! In our part of Brittany, nobody wears makeup. Zay preefair zee neturelle looook! I get stared at for wearing lipstick. I sometimes feel like I’m in a convent over here. Zat eez all. Bon nuit.
Hi Betsy–the thing is, when I lived in NYC, I really wasn’t high maintenance! Life and looks were so much easier. Then I got older..and the maintenance began!!! Seriously–the gel polish is great for a natural slob such as myself!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Tnx 4 the detail on the tanning. I have been thinking about doing it 4 eons💅🏻🙎🏻
Julia. It’s great! Honestly–I cannot sit out in the sun too long because of my past issue with the squamous cell cancer but the great alternative is the spray tan! I’m pretty darned happy!!! Go for it girlfriend! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
You look absolutely gorgeous, and congrats on the nephews success too
Thank you Juliet! Oh, the entire family is so happy with Matt’s success!! Kansas City won’t be the same after dealing with our clan!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Catherine, encore, j’ai bien rigolé. L’accent de mon mari Frank n’est pas celui de Bonaparte. Moi, j’adore le z pour le s et le s/z for the th. Wut iz eat, Mahibess?
Bon voyage. Mangez bien. Buvez bien. 🙂
Hi Maribeth! Glad I was able to give you a good laugh. Just wait till Bonaparte reads this post. Something tells me he won’t find it as funny as we all did! XOXOXO!!!
I am inclined to agree!
I love the tan! I may have to try it one day. And I have worn acrylics for years with very little damage to my nails, but my real nails have always been quite strong. I can’t function without mine!
Hi Cynthia! Thanks! Oh, you DO have to try it and do a video review!!! Hey, my nails look much much better with the acrylics. XOXOXOXO!!!
Such a funny post! The one time I tried a spray tan I couldn’t hold my breath for long and ended up inhaling it. I coughed for hours afterwards, so now I just do the sunless products. Your tan looks great, and so do your nails, hair and even luggage, lol. Have a wonderful trip and congrats on your nephew, quite an accomplishment!!
Hi Margaret! Thanks..let’s see how quickly the luggage will look horrific. It’s raining so that’s a start!! Thanks again for the compliments! XOXOXXOXO!!!
Bonaparte and Chippy are both befuddled by their favourite female!
You look amazing, tanning has come a long way from the oompa loompa look of the past.
Hi gk. Oh. That’s for sure! I AM the original orangina oompa loompa! I’m definitely enjoying my bronze-age!! XOXOXO!!!
Wow, Catherine, you look absolutely amazing! Bonaparte is going to be fighting off all those Frenchmen who will be giving you the eye! Have a wonderful time, and give us in the UK a wave as you fly past us.
Thanks Judy! LOL. I’ll be sure to give a wave! XOXOXOXO!!!
You always look so pretty and well put together but that tan is very flattering if I do say so. Can’t go wrong with red nails either. Have a great trip and be safe
Hi Sunny. Why thank you!! Red nails and a tan. Do we need anything else??? XOXOXOXO!!!
Honey, please do me a great favour! Stop referring to yourself as old! I am ten years younger than you and I would never call myself old and neither should you!
With your intelligence, sense of humour, beauty – tanned or not etc. You are anything but old! To be honest if I had been a woman I would have loved to be like you!
With the years I have learned that age and oldness is something that lives in your self perception! When I was 30 I felt older than I do now, ok maybe a little more maintenance is required but I feel younger inside than I did back then despite eye bags and other shit.
And the maintenance I did back then was far more time consuming and expensive, because I had not fully learned what was working for me, unlike today when I know exactly what my body, face and soul require! So I did a lot of costly mistakes believing beauty commercials and the wonders presented in them… but today I know exactly what’s working on me and not.
You are a gorgeous woman with a lot of spunk which young women today sadly lack because they are so afraid of not fitting in with how to look or be because of instagram, twitter, youtube and all other social media telling them that they are never good enough…
And I would like to put a lot of the blame on the Kardashian family as they somehow have become role models but without anything to teach except how to do bad contouring and sell badly made makeup that cost a fortune, but not one word about building yourself up and how to become a strong confident woman, it’s all about wearing the tightest clothes possible and over drawn lips… to me it’s sad!
I hope you and Bonaparte will have a wonderful vacation!
And big congratulations to your nephew Matt!
And I do apologize for my always very long comments… 😢
Maleandro. Never apologize for your long comments. They are more like you and me just having a conversation. I know–I refer to myself as old but most of the time it’s a kind of “tongue in cheek” reference. My sense of humor sometimes gets in the way!
But you know what? You are spot on about the Kardashian family. It’s just so bizarre the way they became famous was that Kim had a sex tape in which she went pee-pee on the singer Ray J. Mom Chris turned that into a mega million corporation completely based on looks and no talent. (..and I’m deeply shallow?).
I become saddened that this family has influenced generations of young women to want to be and look like them. I refuse to make any purchases of their branding or anything else . (I did do a funny post on looking like one: https://atypical60.com/2015/07/27/makeup-me-a-kardashian/
It was far too much work for me!
But you are right. We do put too much emphasis on our looks. And that is why I’m now going foundation free and it is why I will I love going natural on vacations!
I also agree with you on the lack of spunk many younger women have today. They need to stop focusing on their appearance, dig down into their souls and find humor. They take themselves too seriously!
Off to the airport! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
LOL, OMG – you had me laughing so hard! Poor Bonaparte, what are we going to do with him? You are looking good Catherine, like the spayed! And congrats Matt! 🙂
Lol Terry! I’m glad you are diggin’ my spayed look!!!😘😘😘👍
I’m very relieved to hear that the word was “sprayed”! It looks very natural. I hope you have a great time in France. Incidentally, I was really like that peachy/pink Samsonite suitcase. I’m sure my wife would love it too. It’s exactly the kind of thing she likes. Hmm… possible birthday gift, perhaps?
Catherine, this is so effing great! I hope you have seen this before you read it here. http://www.whowhatwear.com/iris-apfel-macys-collection
I found your blog via Elizabeth (the Contessa) and I haven’t stopped laughing. If I didn’t have to work I would stop and go back and read every single post. I plan to do just that over the 4th. I am over 60 and can relate to nearly every post. I am adding you to my blog roll!!
Cynthia! Oh God! I need to tell you. You will love the post I plan on writing about my “parade” in St. Tropez. Bonaparte and I were laughing so hard after the fact that we had tears in our eyes! My goal is to make you keep laughing! I’m so glad you found me via Elizabeth- I love her! XOXOXO!!!