Bonaparte and I saw the movie “Bad Moms” last weekend. We went to see it on the recommendation of my daughter, Oona. She mentioned that I would love the movie because of the many “bad mom” moments she remembers during her childhood. She also said that the movie made her cry because she missed those moments.
Um. Yeah! I’m definitely a member of the “Bad Moms Club” In fact, I’m a blend of all three of these bad moms: Kiki, the stay-at-home mom. Amy, the mom who’s trying to do it all and going through a marriage break-up. And my favorite–Carla–the slutty single mom who crosses boundaries!!!
Well, I have to say—I thought “Bad Moms” was one of the greatest films of all time. And only because it portrayed moms as we are. We make mistakes. We aren’t perfect.
Carla could quite possibly be one of my alter-egos!
Even the ones you think are perfect? They aren’t. They are just good at hiding things.
The “perfect” mom–she’s a drawing! She isn’t real! As much as you know this mom–she is hiding a ton of shit!
Young moms today have it harder. They have to live up to all the “perfect” mommy bloggers, and those Pinterest Pins that’ll have you thinking you are a complete fail if you cannot create some sort of intricate food item for your child.
Quite honestly, I would have been the mother of all Pinterest Fails if I had to live up to the perfect specimens on the left. I’m glad that made-from-scratch chocolate chip cookies and brownies were baking mom successes when my kids were young!
It’s also harder because of political correctness. God forbid if you discipline your child in public, some do-gooder will think nothing of reprimanding you, filming it on their cell phone, and post it to Facebook—just to show how socially conscience they are. Well, karma will kick them in the ass tenfold!
Yeah. We ALL know “do-gooders” like these members of the Duggar family cult–and boy do they have a closet full of secrets!! So judge “mental” they are!
Anyway, after mulling my mothering skills over, I’ve come up with a list of shit I’ve done as a bad mom over the years. It’s pretty bad so if you can relate, please tell me some of your personal bad mom happenings.
Here goes:
I breast fed each of my children until they were three years old. It wasn’t because I wanted them to have the most natural form of nourishment. No. It was because I was too damned lazy to wake up in the middle of the night to give them a bottle. I also figured that as a stay-at-home mom, I could save money by not feeding them formula and that would equal more stuff I could buy for me! It was also easier to shove a tittie in their mouths rather than have to deal with whinging and whining.
Yeah. That’s right! No milk for you! There’s a new hungry boy in town!
Remember the movie “Beetlejuice”? Yeah. It remains a family favorite. Roman was two years old when the movie came out. Oona wasn’t even born yet. In my home, nothing is censored. And little Roman’s favorite scene was when Beetlejuice…
Roman loved to recite that moment. And I would laugh hysterically whilst telling him–“Oh stop. That’s naughty” And I would laugh some more. Only a truly insane and bad mother would laugh at that.
The biggest bad mother moment was in this old post. Click on the link and scroll down to St. Ignatius School.
It is no secret that I have a filthy mouth—especially while driving. One fine day, many years ago, I had to drive from Pennington, NJ to JFK airport to pick my brother up. Oona was about 7 years old and asked if her friend Megan could come for the ride. Fine. Somewhere along the Belt Parkway I heard Megan say to Oona. “Let’s play a game.” “We can see how many times your mom says the “Eff” word”.
Thank God Megan’s mother knows me well.
Another time I went to a Halloween party. I made a great costume. I went as a lady baseball player from the movie “A League of Their Own”. By the time I came home, I was in a league of my own. I drank so much that I threw up all over the kitchen floor when I came home—in front of all three kids.
Yes. I made this costume and my look was fabulous–but I threw up all over it and had to trash it!
I was in bed the next day until three in the afternoon. Those kids were on their own. Only a truly selfish and bad mom would do that.
Luckily I taught them to be self-sufficient at an early age so they were able to fend for themselves.
..and there’s a reason that my children played with fake kitchens and irons. The Bad Mom in me taught them to be self-sufficient!
Other bad mom moments through photos:
Instead of disciplining my 18-month old son, Roman for going into the fridge, taking out sausage and wine, I turned it into a memory with a photo. It was late afternoon so I opened the bottle and had a kitchen picnic! I’m sure he slept well that night after breast feeding him with my wine-infused milk!
I put Jake into a dangerous position on the subway platform for a “first-day-of-kindergarten” photo…
…and I continued that “first-day-0f-school” photo tradition. Jake may have been off at college, but Roman and Oona were at home. There was no escaping me and the camera!
I allowed my daughter to sit on furniture and eat. Proving to my family that I was the most vile mother on earth.
I didn’t shield my children from scary monsters…
..nor did I shield them from dangerous wildlife!
I allowed them to forget about table manners every now and then…
..and I allowed them to dress themselves..
…sometimes!
I allowed my daughter to dress inappropriately in public…
..and I did too!
But, being the horrific mother that I am, I also bribed my daughter into wearing what I wanted her to wear. And I bribed her with soda and fast food…
..and I had birthday parties for the kids at…*gasp*!! McDonalds!!!
Yum! What toddler doesn’t love a good fry??
Chicken pox didn’t stop me from allowing Oona to be a flower girl in her cousin’s wedding! Here she is at the rehearsal dinner. A bad mom allows this. A GOOD mom would ruin the wedding by keeping the poxed out child home! (BTW, when the pox are like this, the disease is no longer contagious. Bad moms know this.)
A bad mom gives her child a bad body image..
..and embraces the strange things kids enjoy putting on their faces!
A bad mom takes photos of her kids in their underwear..
…and does not mind when her children play with those foam packing pellets that get all over the house. Instead–she joins in on the fun!
A bad mom will try to dress her child up like this….
…and then get a happy smile when she tells him he doesn’t have to wear that get up!
A bad mom will bury her children in the sand…
..and will not panic if they try to eat it. Sand IS organic after all!
A bad mom will make her children stay outside in bad weather. So what if they catch cold? Then they get to stay home with me and have fun!
A very bad mom will make her child do chores like shovel snow..then make hot cocoa!
An uber bad mom will keep old composition books from her kids’ school days. Then she will find something like THIS and start laughing out loud till it hurts. I swear I don’t remember this but boy, did it make me laugh when I found it yesterday! And BTW, he meant “religion” as a subject in school! I’m guessing he wasn’t fond of spelling either!
A bad mom INSISTS on taking tourist pics of her teenaged sons. And they comply–or else!
..a bad mom just smiles when her child comes to realize that “mommy is just not right in the head”!
A bad mom will make her children stand out in the freezing cold weather at the Thanksgiving Day parade to see balloons like this!
A bad mom will live vicariously through her child. But she also knows just WHERE her child is on the weekends! Practice!
And a bad mom will stop at NOTHING to snap a picture of her child during a life event–like cutting into the procession at high school graduation!
I didn’t tell my children, nor did I announce to everyone within earshot how cute they were. Instead I reminded them that the world does not center around them and they will discover that not everyone likes them. That was such a bad mom thing to say!
I would rather tuck them in their beds at night and tell them I loved them and thanked them for making my day a better one.
I punished them when they were naughty. But I praised them when they carried out a good deed.
My bad mom shit—well, yeah, it was bad at times. I had nobody close to me to offer advice. I could only go on instinct. Sometimes the instinct didn’t work that well, but most times, it did.
..and to get back at the bad mom, your child will turn into a badass who does this!!!! I was so angry at Oona for A. going skydiving and B. going skydiving and NOT telling me until after the deed was done!
So to all those moms out there with younger kids. Be yourself. Go with your gut. Don’t allow others to judge you or your children. Don’t try to be a Pinterest Princess. Nobody is perfect—and that’s what’ll turn you into a great mom!!
Party like a Bad Mom because you deserve it!!
It wouldn’t be complete without an anthem to bad moms all over: Mother’s Little Helper–the one. the only. Rolling Stones!
I loved this writing so much, it Almost makes me want to go back and repeat all the bad mom stuff I did to and with my prodigal daughter. She is almost 40 and making different and far funnier bad mom stuff with her 15 year old😉
Hi Karen! I’m so glad you enjoyed my bad mom moments! Damn! I didn’t even THINK of what it’ll be like when my own daughter has bad mom moments of her own. That is something so incredibly fun to look forward to!!!! Like you, I wanna go back and revisit–I miss those days!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Love this post! I bet all three kids had the best time growing up. Stay just as you are. Catherine- think of the fun your grandchildren are going to have with you!
Thanks Judy. LOL–All three kids had a great time while growing up. My child-rearing was based more on trust than on rigid rules. And I have been incredibly lucky because they’ve grown up to be cool adults. Oh..I will be the most fun grandma of all time because I don’t think my kids will be “uptight” parents!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Oh how I wish we had been neighbours. I was surrounded (and I mean surrounded) by the crazy uber-perfect mummies when my kids were growing up, some of them were (and still are) just vile – particularly one crazy woman that always put me on sandpit duty at playgroup (yes a sandpit had to be constructed and dismantled and moved MANY times during playgroup INSIDE the village hall), her two sons have grown up and gotten as far away from her as they possibly could, the other mummy who co-ran the playgroup was having an affair with playgroup leader Nr1s husband by the way……
Anyway here are just 2 small things I did that I hope will grant me membership to your club…
1: Bribery – my husband used to bribe our children to practice the recorder, he was never around to hear the horrendous squeaks and wails that damnable instrument made, so I used to bribe a TINY bit more not to practice (I figured no child actually grew up to be an olympic swimer, 12 language speaking, chess playing, violin playing child genius right??? or at least one you wanted as your kid…). The thing was, as a stay at home mum I had no income apart from the OH and his earnings – so you guessed it – he paid both ways… and I won.
2. The other thing is not something I did, but the daughter made…. I think it clearly indicates the sort of mother I was/still am and should allow me gold star status in your gang please. When my daughter was about 5 or 6 and first year primary school she had to write her autobiography (basically an older kid had to write under the smaller childs instruction something about them and their family). My daughter firmly instructed the following sentence: “My mummy and daddy are both dead and I have no friends” with a beautiful arty stick figure grinning the biggest smile and holding what looks like the sharpest knife.
As I used to tell my kids every day before school, be good or be interesting as long as you don’t disrupt or disrespect the teacher. The 2 boys were very, very good and madam was er, interesting.
I could tell others but we need to be out on the lash for that….
Juliet. You’re in. As a matter of fact, you are co-President! That bio your daughter wrote is epic. EPIC!! I LOVE her!! The boys didn’t need much bribing but boy, Oona was bribed into practicing her Irish Dancing every day she didn’t go to practice! And now she says that the Irish Dance helped her to become poised and confident in business! Yeah. Bad mom rules!
Don’t even get me started on those perfect moms. While I was on my hands and knees washing and scrubbing the kitchen floor, they were in a compromising position and NOT scrubbing floors! And their children always HAD to be perfectly dressed, perfectly coiffed and had to be in ALL HONORS AND AP CLASSES and had to be the BEST IN EVERYTHING!!! And they never had fun!!! I may not have been perfect, but I was a ton of fun! XOXOXOXO!!!
Madam says her children will be normal – I laugh at that, not with our genetics!!!! (I hope)
Juliet. I also come from a long line of crazies. Although there are a couple of “perfect” and “sanctimonious” moms within the family structure, for the most part–they are nuts. I am also happy to say that none of the offspring of my own children will be “normal” or “perfect”–and I mean that in the best way!! XOXOXOXO!!
I love this and loved the tipping-Christmas-tree/death threat/ex-nun intervention!!! All of your kids have turned out well and you can be proud of them. That’s a good thing!
Hi Leslie. Oh. The Christmas tree story is recited. Every. Single. Christmas. And the more eggnog that is consumed, the more dramatic the story becomes!! LOL. I am awfully proud of those little kiddles of mine! Thank you!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
I love this. I am still a fairly new mum but I know I am not going to be a “Pinterest” mummy already. I have neither the energy nor the inclination!
Mummy! Just the fact you mention you are not going to be a Pinterest mummy is your acceptance into this wonderful group of bad moms! Welcome and you are in for the best fun of your life!!!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
As a very bad mom to three sons this really resonated with me …..especially the religion comment in your son’s school essay … I laughed so hard …. As a daughter of “super” Catholic parents the fact my sons are atheist / agnostic I am sure is making my parents spin in their graves. The fact I divorced and … Moved onto a bit of a challenging life with the boys …. We came thru better than ok but … It was not Pinterest perfect ….. Thank you for sharing your journey xo jane
Jane. Hold on. Wait. Are WE almost the same? My sons are agnostic to say the LEAST. I grew up in a SUPER CATHOLIC household. I mean, my parents would be over-the-top upset if we were one minute late for MASS!!!! And my divorce–well, my father was dead and my mother had alzheimer’s so she had no clue-lu as to what was going on. I literally lost my home. My ex–well, let’s just say time heals all wounds and we are definitely in a decent place now. My children survived. They suffer emotional scars but for the most part. They are cool. I’m so glad that my journey resonated with you! It makes us closer!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
Brilliant post! It’s clear that the best mums are those who aren’t perfect. 🙂 And your kids turned out better than alright. xx
Thanks Strawberry! Oh..it is soooooooooooooo true–the moms who run around with the shirt untucked, the coffee stains, the messy hair and the imperfections of child-rearing sometimes are the more adept ones than the picture perfect ones!!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
These two post were just hilarious. I gotta think what kind of bad mom crap I pulled with my kids!
Please!!! Lady Calen. You MUST remember some bad mom crap that you’ve done. And I’m sure they are hysterical!! XOXOXOXO!!!
GORGEOUS KIDS …………….YOU were a GOOD MOM!
A FUN MOM!
XX
Thanks Elizabeth!!! Yes. It is far better to be a fun mom–isn’t it??? XOXOXOXO!!!
None of this even sounds too bad to me…LOL. Probably best I was never a mom!
Ahhh. but Cynthia. I was a mom to three kids while YOU were a teacher–therefore you were mom to a hellova lot more kids!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Love this post! My kids are in their 30’s and I’m still being a bad mom. They live in Vegas and when I visit, we go and do bad things, LOL! And we have fun!
Jane! Mine are in their twenties and thirties and I haven’t stopped being bad either!!! OMG. I would definitely do naughtiness in Vegas!!!! Always have fun! XOXOXOXO!!!
I just want you to know that your musings resonate with me! Thanks for bringing levity and light, fine lady! 💗
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Hi Tracy! Thank you for a great compliment!! Isn’t it great to realize that there are other moms just like you?????? We’re better than the good ones! XOXOXO!!!
Fabulous post. I think I did most of these things and saw it as being a “good” mum because it was the antithesis of “whitebread” mum. However, I was an absolute fanatic about not allowing my children junk food and fizzy drink – though they love it now. Every photo you have taken is priceless and your children are so lucky to have so many memories documented in the days of film cameras!! You must have been a very organised “bad” mom to have the camera accessible and loaded with film and then had them processed. cheers Y
PS still have to track you down as no notification through email or blogloving. But not to worry.
Hi Yvonne. LOL. The one thing that I think I did that was pretty good as far as food goes–I would not purchase store-bought cookies. I did all my own baking. I even went as far to make my own pita bread and tortillas. But I was bad with soda! Oh those days of cameras and bringing the film to get developed. I must have spent a small fortune. We gotta work on getting you email subscribed!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
The shame!! JUST KIDDING. Lord I loved this. Thank you a zillion bazillion times for your honesty.
Hi Jean!!! LOL. No. The Same-less!!!! So glad that you enjoyed–I love to Kkeep it real! XOXOXOXOXO
Thank you for sharing these Mommie pics. They are wonderful and you seem like a great Mom.
Hi Julia! Oh..I’m very happy to share those old (are they now vintage because they were taken with a camera?) photos. I’m so glad I have ’em because they bring back a ton of fun memories!! I dunno if I was a great mom, but I tried and I do believe the kids had a barrel of fun with me!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Love it. I was such a bad mom I home schooled my kids because I hate packing lunches. Yep, that much. It was easier to just keep them home and feed them.
OMG. KB. THAT is the only acceptable excuse for home schooling. I’m in awe! Absolute awe. I was such a bad mom that I wanted my “me” time while they WERE at school! XOXOXOXO!!!
This is awesome! How bout getting teenage sitters? Does anyone get sitters anymore? I used to do it all the time. Leave my young children with babysitters, many who probably had no idea what they were doing. I didn’t care because I desperately needed a break. My husband travelled non stop and I had zero family in the city. Oh, right. I don’t need to make excuses. Your pictures are wonderful!!
Lisa. I swear young women do NOT use babysitters anymore. And I have to say, I’m sorry but children should NOT be in the company of adults 24//7. I’ve discussed this with Bonaparte many times (I won’t go into details), and I just am NOT going to curb my mouth because a child is hanging around adults and listening to adult conversation when parents refuse to get a sitter. When in my home I do as I want. I AM a bad mom! You and I were in the same boat. I took good care of the sitters. Left money for Pizza and told them they could have friends over but no drugs, drinking or sex. Opps. There’s my bad mom. Again!!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Hi Catherine! I’m a bit late commenting on this honest & hilarious post but I did want to share my bad mum story with you. My eldest son, Jonny, was with our child minder in the supermarket, sitting in the trolley. When they came to the drinks section, he pointed to the wine & said ” Mummy juice”. My friends and family have never allowed me to forget this. Well, we all need the comfort of Mummy juice occasionally, don’t we?!!!! Xx
June!! Hahahahah! That is priceless! Oh I’m definitely stealing the “Mommy Juice” phrase!!! XOXOXOXO!! I think I need some now!!