It was the worst of dressing. It was the best of dressing.  Not really, it was more of the worst of dressing.

We’ll get to that later.

I want to start by saying that I actually enjoyed the Oscars this year because of Jimmy Kimmel’s hosting ability.   He was sharp, funny, charming and cutting at the same time.

THE OSCARS(r) – The 89th Oscars(r) broadcasts live on Oscar(r) SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2017, on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Eddy Chen)
I honestly was surprised at what a great host Jimmy Kimmel was. He can definitely come back!

Justin Timberlake’s opening number was very entertaining. I love me an all-around great entertainer and Justin fits the bill so perfectly. He can dance—which, when the camera panned to the audience, is something the white actors and actresses cannot do.

Timberlane should have performed ALL the nominated songs with his own touch. His opening number was fantastic!

They couldn’t even act how to dance. It was painfully funny to watch them. Thank you, Justin Timberlake, for being one of the small percentage of white people who can dance (I’m also one of them).

Oddly enough, Elaine dances better than the majority of the white actors and actresses in the Oscar audience last night!

It was awful to sit through some of the speeches too.  Why can’t these people just say “Thank you” and walk off the stage. I don’t want to hear about you thanking your pre-school drama teacher nor do I want to hear you yap about the ice cream man’s effect upon your acting. OK?

The speeches are so self-serving.

I did like Casey Affleck’s acceptance speech. He seems like a very down-to-earth guy. I also love the way his acting is so subtle and not over-the-top.  Denzel Washington didn’t seem to like Casey’s speech. Or maybe my Denzel was pissed off that the Oscar didn’t go home with him!

Jesus  Casey Affleck’s speech was one of the better ones. But Denzel looked really angry. Maybe Denzel came down with the stomach bug that I had and was “holding” things in!  Or perhaps a little birdie flew out of his wife’s bird’s nest hairdo and nibbled at my Denzel!

As much as I am in love with Viola Davis, her speech was eye-roll worthy.  Viola. Don’t take your Oscar acceptance speech too dramatically. You are not auditioning. You won!!  Enough with the emoting. I still love you!

Now THIS is the Viola I love to see. Smiling and beautiful. Viola–you looked too serious during the speech. Stop it.  Be the fun Viola!  I love you so much!

And speaking of speeches.  Why do they all have to give the cliché “This-award-belongs-to-everyone” spiel? Take the damn win gracefully. Thank the guy or woman who cast you. Thank the director, and for crissakes, thank yourself.

Here’s what I would say if I won an Oscar for acting:

Me: “Wow! I’m really surprised!” “Anyway, I would like to thank (insert casting agent here) for casting me. And I would also like to thank (name of director) for really bringing out the best in me. I hope I didn’t disappoint you.  I also want to give myself credit for working hard and having a stellar work ethic. It isn’t every day that you have an employee like me on set” “I work hard for what I have and it shows”. “Again. Thank you”.

And then I would walk off the stage.  I would not thank God because when I wake up every morning I thank him.  I would not thank my kids because as much as I love them, I am thankful to them every day.  I wouldn’t thank Bonaparte either unless he gave me back my credit cards!

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD CASTING PEOPLE! HERE I AM!  Look at ME!  See the many different facets and emotions I put forth. I’m happy. Pensive. Mysterious. Angry. Sad. Scared. Thoughtful. Playful. Adorable.  Old.  Mature. OK. I look more like the neighborhood crazy lady. But who cares. I’m an ACTOR!!!

And what about the snafu with best picture. I should have stayed awake a bit longer but as soon as the wrong “best picture” was announced, I shut off the remote and went to sleep. I know every single person who saw “Hidden Figures” said that was the movie that should have won.  Well, at least “La La Land” did not win. I liken it to “Birdman” with songs and white people bad dancing.

The actor, Mahershala Ali who won for Best Supporting Actor–people were all goo-goo over the fact he was the first Muslim actor to win the Oscar. I’m really getting annoyed with the labels.  Who. Cares. What. Religion. He. Is.  Muslim, Jew, Catholic, Athiest. Why does his belief get a mention. The man can act. Let’s believe he won the Oscar because of his acting ability and not the fact he’s a Muslim. He’s also cute.

Yeah Mahershala Ali. I really could care less what your religious beliefs are. I just care about you as an ACT-OR!!!

This could have been a conspiracy you know.  I think the younger powers-that-be in Hollywood sabotaged Beatty and Dunaway because of their older age. Yeah. Ageism runs rampant. In Hollywood, you are ancient at 40. Beatty and Dunaway are close to 80 if not already there.  I’m sure they were made to look senile. Yeah. I’m pretty sure they were sabotaged!

Hollywood doesn’t like THIS version of Bonnie and Clyde. They are too old….

Hollywood likes THIS version better.  The version without Faye’s bad plastic surgery!

But you know what really bothered me?  The fact that the American entertainment press as well as The Academy never congratulated Isabelle Huppert on her Cesar win for best actress in the film “Elle”—of which she was nominated for an Oscar.

Huppert won the Cesar Friday evening. I’m sure she was enjoying some very expensive French Champagne and wine afterwards.  Then she had to get on a plane and fly to L.A.  Then she had to get all dolled up for the Oscars. Not one reporter mentioned her Cesar win.  These are supposed to be well-informed journalists and yet, nobody could be the good American and congratulate her! Shame on the press!

Isabelle Huppert with her Cesar award!  She looks fabulous in green. She looks fabulous period!

I congratulate you Isabelle!  I love you!

But let’s get to the good stuff. Let’s get to the fashions or lack thereof.

It never ceases to amaze me at how awful these actresses (Yes. I’m being sexist. They are females and I am referring to them as actresses) can look at a major event.  Their stylists really need to be fired. Terminated. Let go.  I should be hired instead.

Let’s have a look-see.

Huppert at the Oscars. She looked a little tired–considering she probably partied all night after WINNING that Cesar that nobody congratulated her on!  Her Cesar dress was much better.  This dress would have been better in a brighter color but I’m not crazy about it. It’s bland. She should have gone with a more fitted dress because she has a great body!

Kirsten Dunst. Hands down. THE best dressed of the evening. This Dior is a knockout. Look at the shape the dress gives her. I LOVE the fact the hem is shorter in the front showing off those great shoes. A throwback to the glamour of the 1950’s. What a great look! This is the best Dunst has ever looked!

My second-best dressed of the evening. Viola. OMG. She looks so freakin’ beautiful in this bright shade of red. And the dress is simple and the cold shoulder is so perfect for her. She is so beautiful that I can’t stand it!

Taraji P. Henson must have read my Grammy blog post. She looked awful that night but she did a complete turnaround. She’s my Number 3 Best Dressed. OMG! I LOVE this dress. The shape of the dress, the neckline, the slit, the velvet–it works so well. And the shoes!  And the hair. Thank you Taraji for listening to me. You can fire your old stylist and hire me. OK?

What an incredible transformation from Grammy night–huh?

Hailee Steinfeld. Another Best Dressed. I love watching her on the red carpet because she always gets it right. This dress is so fresh and adorable and youthful. It is perfect for a younger woman and she just looks like a princess in it.  She’s one to watch!

OK. She isn’t an actress but Robin Roberts looked better than 95 percent of the actresses at the Oscars. She looks like a pretty gold statue. And guess what? Robin did gold RIGHT! She has a great skin tone for a gold dress. Very Cleopatra.

Shirley Maclaine is still looking good. She’s in her 80’s. She looked very classy…Charlize Theron is another issue….

I swear Charlize Theron wants to underplay her natural beauty. She, one of the most beautiful women on earth, looked terrible in this dress. It looks like an old lady formal dress. It’s frumpy.  And the hair. WTF?  Was she trying to channel her inner Ethel Mertz..

Hey. I’m a HUGE fan of Ethel Mertz. But really, I do think Theron was trying to emulate the hairdo!

Can someone please explain to me why Ruth Negra and Ginnifer Goodwin look more like Sister Wives than elegant women? Are they both in a movie about Amish rebels? Red is a great color for both women but both of these dresses are not stylish and too fussy. Some stylists should be shown to the door…

Octavia Spencer is not a frail woman. She should not be wearing a dress that cuts her body in two.  First of all, this dress is too high-waisted and cuts her right under the bust. Like Adele, Spencer needs a princess style that is slightly fitted at the waist but doesn’t cut. She needs simple lines. She would look great in a three-quarter sleeved dress with a similar neckline but a more simple cut.  She would also look better with a longer bob.  Let me dress you Octavia. Let ME dress you!

She may be the world’s greatest actress but she’s a lousy dresser! Put some sexy Sophie into your event dressing please!  This dress is just ill-fitting and the bottom has too much material. The color is great though. An updo would have been much better!

Is it a tassel?

NO!  It’s Emma Stone and her pretend lisp!  OMG. This dress is hideous. The color is a bit like what came out of my body near the end of my stomach bug.  This young woman does NOT have the coloring for a dress this color.  The sweetheart neckline is unattractive on her. She needs a higher neck. The dress is too fussy. This is wrong on so many levels.  

Is it my grandmother’s doily?  

No! It’s Nicole Kidman and her overly-Botoxed face!  Again. We have a pale woman and a dress that washes her out.  The lipstick isn’t making you look any better Nicole. I was watching Robin Roberts interview and your lipstick was so smeared you looked like Bette Davis as Baby Jane!  The sad thing is, this dress is beautiful. In a darker color like an emerald green and she would have rocked it….

There are no words… this dress is so horrible that I can’t even..

But I can with this monstrosity! I call this color “The Bile That I Threw Up When My Stomach Bug was in the Upper Part of My Body”. Do these women even so much as glance in a mirror?  This dress is wearing Leslie Mann. She is NOT wearing it! And it looks like a teenaged prom dress. It’s horrific!

Another example of beautiful woman in ugly dress!  Janelle Monae is so beautiful–and even more so now that she isn’t sporting that pompadour hairdo!  Is she trying to look like Marie Antoinette?  Perhaps she’s hiding cake under the bottom of the dress.  There’s just too much going on here.  If the bottom of the dress was slim and sheer with a nude underlay, it would have been beautiful.  She’s a walking “Hidden Figure” under this thing!

Hey girl, is it Justin Bieber?

No!! It’s Scarlett Johansson as Justin Bieber in a gown! Good Lord. What did that Frenchman DO to her?  Scarlett. Please. For the sake of us all, please go back to the sexy vamp Scarlett!!  This look is not becoming on you. At all. 

The extremism in Hollywood is so disturbing to me. Either titties are hanging out like two pink-tipped buoys floating in the sea or these women are covered up like Amish pastor’s wives. I’ve seen NUNS show more skin!  Is the apron so you can cook with Wolfgang Puck at the after party?  This dress is like the mistake Trump’s parents made when he was conceived!  And the hair.  Did Dakota Johnson start co-washing instead of using shampoo?   I’m scared of this look. Seriously.  This dress is 50 Shades of Shit!

What is it with pale ladies and dresses that wash them out. GET A FAKE TAN IF YOU WANT TO WEAR A DRESS LIKE THIS!!!    I think my grandmother wore a similar dress to my Baptism some 60 years ago.  And the shoes. I don’t even see painted toes! Felicity Jones has had more worse looks than good ones. She needs to either fire a stylist or hire one!  

Last of all we have Guiliana Rancic. This dress was the topic of conversation last night. Bonaparte loved it on her and thought she looked beautiful. I was talking to Oona on the phone and she couldn’t stand the dress. I’m on the fence. There’s a lot of fabric but I love the color on her. And she looks great in the one-shoulder Grecian look gown. Her hair and makeup are perfect.  I’m really in the middle.

That’s it!  Fashions were mostly on the bland side.  The one WOW dress was Dunst’s.   I need to think of what I’ll wear on the red carpet when I start interviewing these people who are more self-centered than me! 

I almost forgot. Kristin, Brad and Kriss were the red carpet crew on E. At least Kristin’s boobs were in their places.  Brad’s tux was bland. And at least Kriss got rid of her butch “do”. She must have read my posts about her red carpet looks. That dress of hers brings attention to those hips of hers. She needs a stylist–and not her daughters as stylists either.  I’ll dress ya Kriss!!!

Here’s a great one from Danny Kaye “The King’s New Clothes”!  Very appropriate!