Since January, I’ve been trying to whip up schemes that would get me across the Atlantic and living in France for the next four years. I begged Bonaparte to call our real estate agent, put our Chateau on the market and buy a small farm in the French countryside. Paris is too expensive. The Cote d’Azur is too dangerous for my pasty white “already-had-skin-cancer” epidermis. What could be better than to own a farm and grow cows and raise semolina? I’m a natural!!
I can grow cows. This is a group I made friends with a few years back while driving through Burgundy!
Bonaparte’s views on becoming farmers are somewhere between not now, not ever, and “jamais”!!
There was no Plan “B” until now.
The new President of France, Emmanuel Macron (not to be confused with “macaron”) has made a video reaching out to Americans.
Please do not call President Macron, President Macaron. I made these and I think it is high time I whip up another batch soon in honor of Macron!
He is inviting Americans to work in France! The only problem is that he is seeking out scientists. I don’t exactly qualify for the position.
However, I would make a great ambassador of sorts. A new position could be created just for moi. My job would be connecting incoming American scientists into French culture.
Why would I be a great candidate for this newly created position? Here are a few reasons!
I respect the flour. Did you see the news videos of François Fillon getting pelted with a sack of flour during his campaign? What self-respecting Frenchman or woman would do that?
What self-respecting Frenchman or woman would waste good flour like this?
I respect the flour. I use it to bake brioche and other bread, pain aux raisin and other delights. I would never waste good baking ingredients.
Pain aux raisins….
…my annual Buche de Noel–just a couple of ways I respect the flour!
My ability to make a superior sauce is a talent the French would love and appreciate and would make them welcome me with halfway open arms. I can teach the new American hires that a real sauce isn’t poured from a can or a jar.
It takes a good two hours to make a silky sauce like this!
I hang my laundry all over the house to dry. Just like the French. I never use my dryer.
And THIS is how I dry our clothes when we are in the South of France! The washing machine is in the BATHROOM!!!
This practically makes me French. I could explain to the new ex-pats that nobody has a laundry room like in America. In many cases, the washing machine is also the dryer and most clothing is air dried. I can also teach the Americans not to behave like the bozos on House Hunters International!
Don’t cry because the washing machine is in the kitchen. Look on the bright side–you can wash your dishes in it too! That’s ’cause there’s no dishwasher!
Somebody needs to explain that the French can’t dance. They save their rhythm for L’Amour!
The French may not be the greatest dancers, but..
Ohhhhh! So THAT’S why the French smoke so much!! Oh lalalalala!
I can teach the Americans not to try too hard to have French style. Either you got it or you don’t. Be yourself. Dress with your own style—that’s more French.
Um..nobody wears a beret that way. A tie is not a scarf. France is not a British Day School.
I know where to go shopping for the goods.
City Pharma. The only store the newly transplanted American will ever need. You are quite welcome!
I know how to work the big events!
Yours truly was invited to the Paris premiere of Hugo Gelin’s “Demain tout Commence”. OK. So I went as Bonaparte’s guest–but I’m still self-important!
You want to learn how to really be French my fellow Americans? Just shrug.
I can teach how to have an entire conversation without knowing how to speak French. Just shrug through every question!! It’s very Gallic!
Macron needs someone like me to show Americans how to perfect the fine art of cutting ahead in line!
My special talent kept Bonaparte and me from missing a flight from Dublin to Paris. I can teach the fine art of cutting ahead better than any French man or woman can!
Let’s get our potatoes straight. It’s frites. Not fries. OK?
..and worse never, ever call them freedom fries!
You need someone to explain to Americans that religion is no big deal to the French. All those churches and cathedrals are merely beautiful old buildings.
The French are so cool about religion that even Rabbis give the sign of the cross! (Shameless plug. Bonaparte’s cousin was in this film “The Mad Adventures of Rabbi Jacob”–it’s one of the funniest movies ever!
It would help if I took Americans on little off-the-beaten-track tours on weekends!
Every American moving to France needs to take a weekend trip to pay their respects to American troops who died for them. Never forget. I will take you there.
I may not know the words to La Marseillaise, but I do pretend to know all the words to “Pour un Flirt”! Lalalalalalalalalalala…
I can teach Americans about all the great pop songs of the 60’s and 70’s!! I know them all. It’s a great way to learn the language!
It would also help if I could explain to the Americans that jumping into bed with a relative of your better half is no big deal! 
As you can see, Dany, Bonaparte’s father was having the time of his life with me! This is very French–even for the French!
Somebody needs to explain that foods like frog’s legs are old-school home-style and not disgusting!
It’s ok. You will not be hopping around after digesting these delicious little limbs!
And that Chocolate is sacred.
That pretty much sums it up!
And cheese, baguette and wine are the French equivalent of eggs, bread and milk. Think about that one!
Cheese…
Baguette…
And wine will get you through any storm better ‘n eggs, bread and milk!
Please hire me Monsieur President, so that I explain the importance of good manners upon entering and leaving an establishment!
Remember. ALWAYS say “Bonjour” when entering an establishment…and
“Au Revior” when leaving. I love Omar Sy!
And at the end of the day, we can all admire the world’s most iconic symbol of France!
Such a beautiful sight!
Whaddya think? Ya think I would do a great job??
The President of France extended his invitation and I would like to leave you with a beautiful song that is a love letter to France–Michel Polnareff’s “Lettre a France”
Well, since you can still blog from France, I guess you can go. To make your packing easier, I think you should leave the macaron(s? is the plural the same as the singular?) and buche de Noel here, at my house. 🙂
LOL!! Oh Ms. Textile. I would love to blog from France–but the WeeFee is awful in many places! I’ll try to leave the macarons and buche de Noel at your house but it may be a long drive!!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
You’re too funny! Do you speak French as well? Wish I was married to a Frenchman, instead mine voted for orange man. Ugg! Good luck with your job interview 😉
Hi Cathe–I love the fact that you spell your name the same way that I do–we’re twinning! I speak enough French to get around. I understand more of the language than I can speak. Oh..listen. I have four other sibs. They, along with their spouses all voted orange. I can’t even. I’m so happy to be the black sheep of the family!!! Thank you!!! ‘XOXOXOXOXO!!!
Funniest. Post. Ever. Seriously, you couldn’t establish residency in France based on your relationship with B., a French citizen? Seems like you should be able to.
Jane. He doesn’t want to live there. He got used to big American kitchen and washing machine and dryer very quickly!!He also likes big Amerian SUV!! Amazing!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Hahahaha! I know many other Europeans who feel the same way. They all want to supersize their lives.
I say OK you can go as long as we all can visit. My close friend ( a nursing researcher and expert in STD’s) has just taken a job in Paris. Pays to live in Canada and grow up learning/speaking French. In her case it pays to also know hella lot about sexually transmitted disease!!
Broaden your horizons I kept telling my ( now fluently bilangue) sons. Several of their friends have gone to study/work in France. You go girl if you have the opportunity! You could run an auberge!! Or ‘gite’ as they are called in Québec ( more like a B&B) or…..you could conduct shopping tours!! You know, well heeled ladies who want to tour and spend beaucoup d’€€€, but would prefer to be with a knowledgable, trustworthy gal from back home…the possibilities are endless;)
Momcat. Funny you mention “gite”. I’ve always wanted to stay in one and I love the idea of an auberge. But there is a snobby side to Bonaparte–I think it was due to his privileged upbringing. He refuses to stay in a gite. I, on the other hand would have a blast. In Ireland I stayed in B & B’s and had a great time with the owners. I’m a peasant!
He does want to take a trip up to Montreal in the fall because he loves it up there. Maybe I can become a Canadian!!! XOXOXOXOX!!!
After seeing your macarons, brioche and Bûche de Nöel I think you could easily get a job as a patissière.
I should qualify too, as like the French, my washing machine is in the kitchen and I don’t have a drier or dishwasher! (Why don’t the Americans hang their laundry out??….and WTF are freedom fries??)
You know what they say “where there’s a will there’s a way.” C’est parti!
Xxx
PS Omar Sy is ace. Untouchable is one of my favourite films ever.
Hi Fiona. I would LOVE to work in a Patissiere except I would eat everything and then people would mistake me for Gerard Depardieu with dark hair!! Oh –I have a theory about Americans not hanging their clothing outside. My mother always hung the clothing out doors to dry and the clothes were so fresh and lovely. Nowadays many of us live in developments. i.e. planned neighborhoods and the “look” of clothing hanging outside is considered to be unpleasant to look at–there are bylaws in communities that you cannot hang clothing outside. That’s one of the reasons I love Theoule. I have to let the clothing air dry and I love it! OMAR SY is greatness! Look for the film “Demain tout Commence” a good portion takes place in Londre. Bonaparte’s cousin, Hugo Gelin directed the film and the title is from a saying that Bonaparte’s aunt, Daniele Delorme said all the time “Demain Tout Commence”. The film was dedicated to her! You would LOVE IT!!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
What a recommendation for a film!
This post amused me on a dull day. As an Italian I love the bit about wine, bread and cheese! I live in South Africa and my washer and drier are in the kitchen (drier very rarely used!) I hang the laundry on a washing line outside in the fresh air and it dries in about 3 hours or less. I have never owned a dishwasher, and also have never had air conditioning at home, I open windows! Thanks so much for entertaining us.
Hi Vivella. Hey. Always a pleasure. My aim is to make you laugh and enjoy. My grandfather used to live in South Africa before returning to Ireland then the States. I tell you, Americans are spoiled with the machines here. That’s why I go ballistic when House Hunters International is on–I can feel a new post coming. The Americans are always whining “The washing machine is in the kitchen” “The bathroom is too small”…Oh they are absolute morons!!! X
Too funny. I even go to city pharma for my meds. Funny. you go girl.
Dude. City Pharma is my favorite store in the world! THE WORLD. If I lived in Paris I would go to the doctor for happy pills, sleeping pills, diet pills–the pharmacists there would know me by name!!! Then I would have an excuse to go shopping there even more!! XOXOXOXO!!!
I am convinced that I was supposed to be French, as I have always had an affinity for the country, and I do not have a drop of French blood in my veins! Can I be your assistant ambassador? I do know “La Marseillaise” so between the two of us, it would work perfectly … 🙂
Oh Bridget. You’re on! I would need an assistant and since you know the words……XOXOXOXOXO!!!!!
Catherine,
Hilarious!
I can’t wait to go to Paris this summer!
Au Revoir!
Robin
Hi Robin. When are you leaving??? Where are you staying??? How long. I’ll be by passing Paris when I land at CDG and get on a flight to Nice!!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!!
I think you will be more than welcome to France:)) I saw that video Macron made the day after the election (in which he welcomes American scientists to France) and couldn´t stop laughing, as he was kicking Orange Man´s arse….
On a more serious note all of Europe drew a sigh of relief, because even though Macron is not my fave candidate he was SOOOOO much better than the Woman-who´s-name-I-will-not-say. And he seems to like older women as well! Who can not like that?:)))
Hi Angelin, Before the “scandal” Bonaparte was pretty much diggin’ Fillon. But between Trumpette and Macron. He was the better choice and I think he’s going to be a good President. Oh..when I saw the video for the first time I almost knelt down and prayed to Macron for giving it to the orange monster. I would have rather seen Bernie Sanders get the nomination than Clinton, but I still swear she was the better choice rather than the one who stole the election with the Russians. Yeah. I’m lovin’ Macron because he loves the older ladiessssss!!! XOXOXOXOXOXO!!!
You would be Le Bomba as French lady ambassador. Taking French classes is on my to-do list, but right now I live through you and your visits to France.
Great Tami!!! I’ll be writing about our upcoming travels next month!!!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
Oh yes, you would make a great ambassador!! Just give Macron a look at your blog and you’re a shoe-in, how could he resist? I love the French shrug, it’s so punchy, I’ll be using it for sure! Loved your last post, what a wonderful makeover, you look like a 30 year old!!! I would have kept that makeup on for a week!
Hahahaha. Margaret. I’m trying to figure out how to send Macron the blog post!!! It could be my resume!!XOXOXOXOXO!!!!!!
If you need a letter of recommendation for the France job, I’ve got you covered…you’ll be a natural…can’t wait for your On-the-Ground posts from France….you will do Macron proud!
Hi Jeanne. Your daughter has been in my thoughts and prayers. I hope all is becoming better! Thank you–I will most likely need that letter and I’m sure it will be the icing on the cake or gateau to get me there!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Hi Catherine…thank you for your kind thoughts…finally out of the hospital…10 weeks…we are on a positive road but it is still a long haul…but we’ll get there.
Hilarious – maybe we can begin a petition for you to be lady ambassador for women of a certain age – after all I think that is not only necessary but very much the current trend non? and when you are not ambassadoring (is that a verb yet???) you can work as our tour guide (we promise to behave, sort of – think a whole bunch of Patsy and Edinas and Bubbles and …) to City Pharma etc and other lovely places and/or run a cook school for us to learn and sample lots of fabulous food and wine. That sounds kind of busy now I think of it – but we’d all behave and be perfect guests, I’ll start my packing as of now….
Can’t wait – and looking forward to meeting the other ladies who post too
Oh Juliet. Wouldn’t that be great to have a huge meet up in France with all the fun ladies here? Why behave!!!??????? We can get our Patsy and Eddie AND Bubbles on!!! XOXOXOXOX!!!!
Please come to France, Catherine and we could meet for a KIR ROYAL! 😂😎🍾 I’m sure we’d laugh loads and have lots of fun! Xoxo
Hi June! I’ll be there next month. I can’t wait. How far are you from Theoule???? XOXOXOO!!!
I think you’ve done a good job already! Nicely done! I would hire you. 🙂