Okay, so I realize this post is four days post-Oscar, but the company of which I am employed staged a makeover this past summer.  As such, the fluorescent lighting is stronger than ever. To add injury to my already horrific eyesight, there are no diffusers on the light fixtures.

Guess who was affected by this?  Yes.  T’was I.  It took a couple of hours to get the display to the right setting and overall, I’m flummoxed as to why a large corporation would not have diffusers on the lighting.

I would love to put those lights where the sun don’t shine!

Go figure.

That being said, I’m still trying to figure out just why I wasted three hours of my life in utter ennui all because I wanted to see the pretty dresses.

And trust me, the pickings were slim.

I started Oscar Sunday by dressing very Oscarly.  In my golden brocade slacks.  I wanted to be in touch emotionally with the stars.  I’m just as self-centered as any one of them so it was only appropriate.

Hello Dahlings!  It’s all about moi!  Do you like my Oscar outfit?  I was inspired by the golden statue..

Ouch!  Getting up from these poses becomes increasingly difficult with age. Perhaps that’s why wearing a gown is so much better!

As the late afternoon approached, I watched some of the Red-Carpet specials.  WTF?  None of these idiots holding a mike can compare to Joan Rivers. They ask the dopiest questions and can’t even bring themselves to vocalize a back-handed compliment.  They gush and giggle and act as though they came face to face with Jesus.

I miss her so very much. I can’t even watch the red carpet shows anymore!

It is sickening.

However, before I do a critique of the best-dressed of the evening, which won’t take long because there were no big standouts, I do want to address a few things that made the awards so eye-roll worthy,

The opening number. Perhaps I’m a bit cranky but that opening number with Janelle Monáe would have been more dramatic if it was just her, lighting, and a stage.  That’s it. Running down into the audience to showcase the lack of rhythm the white acting community exhibited was painful on my eyes. Keep the talent on stage. She’s got a great voice but it was cracking a bit when she began –and that was quite charming and proof of how a live performance can roll!

Forget the big production for the opening. Gimme just Janelle alone on a stage and dramatic lighting. It’s all we need!

Our non-hosts. Steve Martin and Chris Rock. Individually, I love each of these guys.  Especially Rock.  Together, they aren’t bad either.  But the humor—or rather the attempt at humor was a fail. Look, I have the filthiest, dirtiest gutter mouth on earth.   But there was something about them saying the word “vagina” that completely turned me off. That was a low attempt and was better left unsaid.  If it were a woman and mentioning “lady parts”—that’s funny.  But two men spouting the word “vagina”.  No. Just. No.

These two guys paved the way for a very boring evening.

And rather than having one host, we had to go through a very uneven evening of presenters doing schtick.

Please don’t ever let me see Maya Rudolf and Kristen Wiig in those dresses again.  Maya Rudolph needs to fire her makeup person. And her hair person. And her stylist.  That dress that Wiig wore did nothing for her.  It was not flattering for her.   There are but two women in the acting community who could have looked spectacular in that dress.  Tilda Hinton and Cate Blanchett. They wear clothing and they wear extraordinary fashion very well.  That dress? It wore Wiig.

Their rap was cute. And nothing else was remotely cute.–or stylish. 

The only thing good about the women’s presentation was the rap they did and that’s not saying much!

Even the greatness of Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Will Ferrell couldn’t make a memorable moment. Both looked as though they wanted to get off the stage.

I can tell you that she was thinking “Get me the hell off this stage”. He was thinking “What am I doing here”.  Whoever wrote their schtick needs to be fired.

And I’m not even going to mention the Cats.

I can’t even.  But Rebel Wilson’s shoes are fabulous!

And speaking of raps…my personal favorite moment of Oscar entertainment was Mr. Marshall Mathers, aka, Eminem, aka, Slim Shady—I’ve been a fan for years, and his performance was the shining star.  Who cares that “Lose Yourself ” won the Oscar for Best Song in 2003 (was it that long ago?); all I know is that random musical moment was the highlight of this otherwise boring Oscar presentation.

Highlight of the Oscars!  And might I add that Mr. Mathers was also one of the best-dressed men. I love his new look! Very mature!

What the Oscar powers-that-be need to do is to take a look at the archives of Bob Hope and his hosting days. He poked fun in the most delightful way.  My choice would be Ricky Gervais to be a permanent host but he hurts the feelings of the self-absorbed. Thusly, I suggest using the Bob Hope tactic.

Can we please find another host like Bob Hope!  Let’s find someone who can make fun of themselves as they can of others!  

Another thing that really pissed me off was the fact that Parasite won both Best International Film and Best Picture. There’s so much that I need to say.  In the first place, what was wrong with the word “foreign”.  Is that word now politically incorrect? I need to know this because I’m wondering if I should now refer to my foreign travels as international travels.  The word foreign has only two syllables whereas international is composed of five.  When time is of the essence—i.e. the three plus Oscar ceremony, perhaps it is wise to use a two-syllable word.

Geez. They can’t even make up their mind about the category. Is it Foreign Language Film or International?  Either way, I want to see this movie but I thing films should stay within the confines of one “best” category!

Just sayin’

But here’s the thing I would like to address to The Academy. Pick one fucking category for the films.  Either it’s a foreign/international film category or best picture category. It’s called fairness.

Having seen Once Upon a Time….and 1917, both were stellar.  My pick would have gone to 1917. It was a visual masterpiece. The camera work was incredible and the movie held a very special place for the millions of us who had grandfathers and great grandfathers and other relatives who fought in The Great War.  It was a reminder of our history and how awful war is.

Truth be told. I am pissed that Tarantino did NOT win for best original screenplay. This was a GREAT Story! 

But I’m really upset that 1917 didn’t win–or that Sam Mendes didn’t win for best director!

I have absolutely nothing against Bong Joon-ho. Seriously, how could you not love a guy who’s named after a bong?  And he had one of the best lines of the evening “I’m ready to drink tonight till next morning”.  Now that’s a fun guy.

This guy though. I wanna party with him!!

And that’s why they have categories. Pick a damn category and stick with it.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

Best dressed.

Hands down, the best dressed of the evening was Laura Dern. She also had the best speech. Her mom. Her dad. Now her. All Oscar winners. That was just really moving.

The dress, an Armani number was gorgeous. And it won her a worst-dressed award of the evening.  Don’t ask me how because the cut of the dress was fantastic. A true princess gowns. And the black and pink looked stunning.

Why Laura Dern would be called worst-dressed is beyone my comprehension. I adored how sweet and charming she looked. It was a Sleeping Beauty dress–and she took her mom with her. Two Oscar winners!!

Coming in second for me was Julia Louis-Dreyfus. That blue gown was such a classic and timeless thing of beauty. The fit was fabulous and she looked like a true glamorous star!

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP/Shutterstock (10552447tp)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus arrives at the Oscars, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles
92nd Academy Awards – Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA – 09 Feb 2020

She was the epitome of glamour and class.  What a classic look!

Charlese Theron’s black gown was sexy as all get out.  She’s got the shape for it and she’s got the legs!  My only criticism was her hair.  Whether she is wearing short hair for a film or whether it is her choice, it was “meh”.  In this day and age of wigs and hair extensions, I do believe that entire look of hers would have benefited from a bit of fake hair—she needed volume.

If Theron wore some voluminous hair, her look would have put her over-the-top in best-dressed. the hair fell short. Too short, in fact!

Another favorite was Scarlett Johansson. Now there is a woman who knows what works with her body and what a body!  I’ve never seen her look less than stellar during awards season. The gown she wore was no exception. She nails it all the time!

When you know your body. And you know what looks are best, you always win.  And Miss Scarlett always nails it!

Keanu Reeves and his mom were the best-dressed couple. His mom rocked that pant ensemble!!

Can you believe Keanu’s mom is 76? What an inspiration to all pro-aging women everywhere. She looks fantastic!!!

Now, the last of my favorites also made the worst dressed on a few lists but I loved it.  And there’s a reason why.  The long waist.  It was different. It was beautiful.  I would wear that.

Kelly Marie Tran.  Ahhh what a long waist does to me.  This gives the illusion of height as well. She’s only 5 feet 2 inches but the long waist makes her look taller. I want this dress!

In all honesty, nothing else really rocked my boat.  A lot of people raved about Salma Hayek’s look but it was too matronly and bridal for my taste. The woman is married to the wealthiest guy in France and that’s the best she could do?

Meh.  I think she looked slightly matronly.  Not her best look!

And Margot Robbie.  WTF is with the detached sleeves?  A perfect example of horrible styling. She’s so gorgeous.  She would have rocked a gown with a Sixties vibe.

She one of the most beautiful women on earth and this look was a complete fail. Stringy hair.  The dress?  The defined waist is too high and looks cheap. The sleeves?  Pleeze?

Mindy Kaling. The dress wasn’t bad. It was the color that was awful. Yellow, especially mustard yellow is not her color. Had this been a bright emerald green, it would have been spectacular!

The color is wrong.  So is the makeup–the lips are way too dark. She would look so much better with a bright pink lip, brighter eye makeup and a bright green dress!

Sandra Oh was Sandra Oh No!

The color washes her out. The sleeves are too much. It’s just too much dress for her!!

I can’t even with Maya Rudolph. One of the worst looks of the evening.

If Maya Rudolph has a stylist, she or he needs to get kicked to the curb. If she does not have a stylist, I am applying for the job. Her hair is wrong. A side part with waves would soften the look. The makeup is too severe and that thing she’s wearing.  There is a very womanly body under that sack.  Make like Scarlett Johansson and show us those curves!

But the all-time, worst dressed of the evening, quite possible of all Oscar history was Billie Eilish. And she actually was thought of as best dressed –Read this!__Girlfriend.com

Sporting a two-piece Chanel number that looked like a cross between a garage mechanic uniform and ill-fitting pajamas, all I could think of was “What would Mr. Karl think?”  I was a huge fan of Karl Lagerfeld and just refuse to believe he would approve of that look.

Whatever happened to proper-hemmed pants?  The filth that will accumulate and ruin the pants? And the shoes?  I’m getting the vapors!

I realize Ms. Eilish is young—18 years young. However, this outfit was just trashy.

THIS?  Is Oscar-worthy attire?  OMG. Mr. Karl is rolling over in his grave right now. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making a statement with clothing—but at least have something to say.  Remember Lady Gaga’s meat ensemble?  At least it was somewhat form-fitting and did have the nuance, albeit miniscule, of style.

At least Gaga’s meat ensemble resembled a dress.

There was nothing stylish about that Chanel number. It was baggy, ill-fitting and totally inappropriate for a glamorous occasion.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – FEBRUARY 09: Billie Eilish attends the 92nd Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood and Highland on February 09, 2020 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

Tacky.  Tacky and people think fast fashion is wrong?  This is NO fashion!

Her makeup looked great though–and her low updo looked very pretty in a very edgy way–a nice look for a young woman.

US singer-songwriter Billie Eilish arrives for the 92nd Oscars at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood, California on February 9, 2020. (Photo by Robyn Beck / AFP) (Photo by ROBYN BECK/AFP via Getty Images)

The hairdo wasn’t bad. Although I think had she gone with a more pinkish or light violet hue to her hair it would have been more flattering!

The nails looked ridiculous. How the hell was she able to wipe her ass or her lady parts when she went to the bathroom?  Ugh. Unsanitary.

Those nails. I seriously hope she went poo-poo before she had those talons put on.  And I hope to heaven she didn’t have her period!

Those nails are so gross!

Oh wait. I think she realizes how unsanitary those nails are. Hope she wore a Depends!

You know, there was a time when I couldn’t wait for award season. Grammy’s, Tony’s, Emmy’s, Golden Globes, Oscars, whatever else.  But these days, I can’t be bothered anymore.  Since Joan Rivers passed, the red carpet is a bore.

And the awards get worse and worse with the hosting.  We need some bite. Some snark.  People need to start laughing at themselves and these days Hollywood is taking themselves too seriously. The fun and the thrill are gone!

Perhaps I could host the Oscars!  Oh I’m so surprised that I would even consider the thought!

Your feelings?  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Did you even watch the Oscars?  Curious minds want to know!!