Late last night—or maybe it was early morning—while in my deep slumber, I had a dream vision. Maybe this vision transpired on account of something my dear Bonaparte said to me earlier in the evening. He caught a glimpse of me sprawled out on the sofa, like the royalty I am.
I was binging, emotional eating, slovenly gobbling down, enjoying a “light” snack of non-fat vanilla yoghurt in which almonds and chocolate chips were blended. Oh. This concoction was also drizzled with my home-made chocolate syrup.
My phone and tablet were placed on the sofa next to me, and I was watching an episode of “Dance Moms”. (Hey. Don’t judge. I was a dance mom!)
Bonaparte looked at me as only a Frenchman can look at an American eating oversized portions. He stated:
“Cat-rreeeen” (when he calls me by my given name, I know there could be a battle about to begin). “Ahhh sought ou whhhhaaaar on ee dee-it?” “Whaaa ahr ou it-eeeng zhat sheet”? “Oh Merde…..”
Translation: “Catherine. I thought you were on a diet?” “Why are you eating that shit?” “Oh shit…followed by French language mumbling I could not understand.
Me: (lips trembling and my eyes tearing up because I’m so ashamed of myself) “Yeah, but I’m eating non-fat yoghurt.” “Besides. I’m a bit….well, I’m a bit depressed.” “Oona leaves in two days”. “I have no job”…..”Adam had an emergency and had to change my hair appointment to next Tuesday instead of this Friday”….
Bonaparte: “Ou nid to networkkkkkkk” “Ou nid to get aw of zuh ‘ouse”.
Translation: “You need to network. You need to get out of the house”
Me: “I can’t network till I lose 25 pounds weight”.
After an evening of “Dance Moms” and watching a pampered, spoiled American housewife bitching about the real estate offerings not being up to her oversized American standards on “House Hunters International”, I was more than ready to escape reality and enter into my land of dreams!
As I slept, a vision came to me. Kim Kardashian, Gwyneth Paltrow, Blake Lively and Martha Stewart were at a table. They were discussing their “Brands”. They were discussing their “lifestyle” websites and how they were making life just a bit better for so many women.
Paltrow’s “Goop”. Why wasn’t it just called “Oops!”
Blake’s “Preserve” site. I hope she is preserving that cute husband of hers!
Martha Stewart. She doesn’t even need a cute name for HER site. We all fear her!
Kim’s new site has yet to be unveiled. I’m hoping she doesn’t KOPY my ideas!!!
I rushed into their meeting and pitched MY lifestyle brand.
“Ladies!” I said. ” I have created an entire brand based around women who aren’t sharing that same one percent privileged wealth as you are. My brand is for women who can’t afford shit. It’s called “The Paupered Princess”© (yes. I’m thinking ahead by copywriting my brand!) And my brand actually helps women repurpose and decorate on the cheap. And purchase clothing on the cheap by acquiring sale savvy.”
They all laughed. Well, Martha was just plain pissed off because I think she felt that I was intruding on all her DIY stuff. What Martha didn’t realize is that she has people to carry out her little projects! While—I’ll even bet she doesn’t even clean her own home even though she does give stellar cleaning advice!
Kim Kardashian brushed me off by announcing that she was just about to introduce her new lifestyle and selfie website—and it was going to be even bigger and better than her ass! (No, not Kanye. Her other ass. The one she stuffs into her jeans!)
Blake Lively and Gwyneth—well, they just laughed so hard and loud at me that they both picked up their “purge” pails and threw up! They explained that maybe I would want to purchase one of these special pails for only $395.00 because it would be beneficial to my health and help “rid” my body of the toxins that I apparently put into my mouth on an hourly basis!
Martha with Blake Lively. They are neighbors and besties! We know why–Martha keeps her friends close and her “frenemies” even closer! We know who wears the pants in THIS friendship!
Martha –this time with Gwyneth. I thought they were feuding? They must have made up in the name of helping women to be their best, anti-toxined and perfect selves!
Oh come ON Martha. This is getting ridiculous! Now you are with Kim??? What next? Are you going to become MY bestie?
Can you imagine? Martha Stewart posing with ME? The Paupered Princess!! Do you like my crown??
Instead. I just continued on with my presentation for “The Paupered Princess”©
I pointed to Martha and mentioned her cleaning methods. They were just sooo complex!
Not only are these Martha’s cleaning supplies, but on her site, she shows how to CLEAN the cleaning supplies. You really need to click on the link I provided!
Really Martha? WTF? I can overlook the spotless white shirt and pale blue apron. But the smile? Who the hell SMILES when they clean their stove?
Yeah Martha, at the end of my cleaning day I don’t caress the front door. My clothes aren’t even that clean. I guess you are just opening the front door to let your cleaning team leave for the day!
I explained how toilet paper is a great multi-tasker! Why run downstairs to the garage or to the kitchen to get cleaning supplies when I can grab a couple of sheets of toilet paper?
Toilet Paper. It wipes off more than you could ever imagine!
With the TP, I can dust the bannisters. If the dust is sticking a bit, I can use my spit instead of wasting water. Those water bills can add up! My tip: Just make sure you haven’t used the TP before dusting!
That’s right! Toilet paper can help a lazy woman with the dusting….
…why, just LOOK at that dust!!! The little groves in the paper help to capture that grime!
The presentation in my vision did not stop there.
I compared!
Blake has a pillow for $136.00 on her Preserve site!
$136.00 for a pillow showcasing a bug! A bug!!!! How can you decorate with that? Put in in the garden?
I have two old and worn pillows from my “nautical” phase….
I repurposed them by turning them around so the back side would be on display. I paid about $20.00 for both pillows. I just saved women $116.00!
I also brought to Blake’s attention that she has jeans which retail for $495.00 on her site!
What average woman can afford to spend $495.00 on jeans? Especially jeans that look like a house painter worked in them!
Look! I have GAP Resolution True Skinny High Rise Jeans that I got on sale for LESS than fifty dollars!
These incredible jeans not only hold my sagging gut in, but they make my muffin top all but disappear! They are magic! I just saved the women of the world a little bit over $445.00!
Honestly, I don’t know what kinds of friends Blake and Ryan have that they feel the need to tell people to get one of these roll up bartender kits. I’m sure they think it’s a steal at $84.00
And don’t tell me it’s good for a picnic. I call BS. Most women I know are such lushes they keep a corkscrew in their car or in in their purses. I can go organic with the cocktails. Use your fingers as a strainer, use a finger as a stirrer and if you want to shake, just dance whilst mixing the drink. I just saved a load of money for you ladies!
Gwen is trying to tell us how to “Dress Like a French Girl”…
Gwen’s Goop on Dressing like a Frenchie!
Hey Gwen. When was the last time you were in France? Where’s the Repetto Ballet Flats? Where’s the Rondini sandals? I don’t see any Nat & Nin bags!!! French women don’t dress in those items you posted. You have white cutoff shorts for $225.00!!! AND expensive T-shirts!
There is something seriously sick in the head if you pay $225.00 for a pair of cutoff shorts!
I got MY white cutoff shorts from J. Crew Factory a couple of years ago–making them even MORE vintage! I think I paid about $25.00 on sale. They are also “Miracle” shorts. Not only is it a miracle that I still fit into them, but these shorts are also a miraculous diet device. They are so tight that you cannot eat in them! Oh..and I paired this with my $4.00 Old Navy Fitted Tee! I just saved $196.00!
Who doesn’t love a cuppa tea? Growing up in an Irish household tea was the beverage of choice. Gwyneth lived in London so she likes a good cuppa as well! She even sells this pricey kettle on the Goop site!
A Tea Kettle for $165.00! That must surely be some special tea!
Here’s MY special kettle. It’s been in the family for years! My mother probably paid $2.99 for it YEARS ago. Now it’s priceless! Wow! It’s a savings of $162.01! I think I’m getting out of the poor house!
Geez. I had NO idea Paltrow and I were so much alike. Dressing like a Frenchie. Our love of tea and kettles. She also loves Orange Blossom! Look at this candle–and it’s only $68.00. $68.00 to burn the house down if you aren’t paying attention!
I can bet this doesn’t even smell as good as ……
…my INEXPENSIVE Orange Blossom toiletries that I got in France–at the grocery store!!! I paid around $8.00 for all this stuff–Man oh man! I saved Sixty Bucks!
Gwyneth Paltrow, though, is , like me, a giver. She has “gently worn” items that are being sold to charity. (I don’t know which charity the money is going to).
Stella McCartney’s “gently worn” sneakers for only $545.00. Geez–you would think that the daughter of Sir Paul would have more classic taste!
My “Paupered Princess” gently worn (I tried it on. Once), J. Crew skirt. I got too fat. I’ll just bring it to Goodwill where they can sell it to a woman who cannot afford those $545.00 sneakers. It’ll sell for about $3.00–which makes me happy!
Going back to the kitchen, Goop also advertises this Spiralizer at the bargain price of $65.00.
Trust me, this isn’t even worth $35.00. I purchased it a long time ago for less money and it was a pain in the ass to use…Instead..
Invest $14.99 on Veggetti. It does the same thing only better! I was lucky to get mine on sale for $10.99
Even better is this “Ribbon” vegetable peeler. Eight bucks and look how pretty that zucchini is! I’ll toss it into my salad tonight! What’s the savings? $55.00?
Unfortunately, my favorite, Kim Kardashian of the perfect makeup, hasn’t released her new site yet! I’m bummed! But I DID give her some jeans advice!
I told Kim that she needed to wear clothing on her new website. I told her that Kanye could save money if he purchased her jeans on sale. I got these at Loft for $9.99 last year and I LOVE them!
Kim accused me of Kardashian Selfie Kopying when I showed her shot of my ass in my Loft $9.99 jeans. I explained that Kopying is a form of fattery flattery!
Needless to say, in my vision, none of these bitches really “supportive” women were happy with my ideas. So, I would like to share with you, some of my additional “Paupered Princess” “Lyfestile” (do you like my ultra cool spelling of lifestyle?) ideas!
A DIY In-house “storage facility”. Hey, what princess doesn’t have her own storage facility. Right? This is actually a small room downstairs that has been fitted with plumbing. Eventually–i.e. when I get a “job”, this will be turned into another guest bathroom. In the meantime, it’s been dramatically transformed into my private “storage facility” storing all sorts of shit that hasn’t been unpacked since our move a year ago!
Flowers and plants always brighten up the place! Presently, Bonaparte has placed me on a “no-buy”. That means Home Goods and estate sales are off limits for now. How can I decorate, you ask? Plants and flowers! Bonaparte buys the flowers at Costco. Costco has great flowers and they last for a long time. I maintain their freshness with regular water changes and I clip the stems!
Costco flowers. Over a week old and still looking good. Bonaparte paid about $14.00 for them.
Here’s some Costco flowers from A MONTH ago that were repurposed. Time to repurpose them into the trash!
These lovely flowers were a thank-you gift from Jakes “girl” (shhhh–if you look closely at the card you can see her name. But you didn’t hear it from ME!). They cost me nothing but they are priceless!
This plant was just about dead but we decided to move it downstairs. Now it’s thriving. It’s “Born Again”!
Two ten dollar plants we got in the early spring. See what I mean? Such a cheap way to decorate!
Dried Hydrangea. One of Bonaparte’s clients clipped them from her garden last year. I dried them and preserved them with hairspray! Aren’t they pretty? Bonaparte wants me to get rid of them–but I can’t. Am I having a “hoard” on?
Now for more decorating ideas from this “Paupered Princess”!
Just like those spoiled housewives on “House Hunters” who complain about EVERYTHING, I complained about carpet in the dining room. I have an aversion to eating a meal on carpeting. It’s filthy and disgusting. I won out and we had the carpeting in the dining room replaced with hardwood. The wood matched the hardwood in the kitchen. We didn’t pay much either and the end result was worth its weight in gold and no bitchiness!
Every lifestyle site needs an artsy photo with soft lighting and a dog! My Lyfestile photo has my Chippy wishing I would leave him alone. It also has a table, covered in burlap. I got the table when the assistant to our super in our NYC apartment died. I got it for free! I got the chairs in the garbage and cleaned them up! The market basket was about 8 euros in a small store in Chatres, France. I’m very much the Paupered Princess. Am I not?
Screw those other lifestyle sites that show off items nobody but the one percent can afford. THIS is how you decorate a family room: Ikea Ektorp sofa and chair. Rug from Home Goods that I paid $39.99 for. Cawfee table from Mealey’s furniture. I think it was about $250.00. The baskets are cheap ones from Home Goods. Lamp from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Lamp table from Home Goods and Book cases from Vintage Home. The artwork on the wall is a painting that Bonaparte’s dad did! Very inexpensive room to decorate!
Another work of art by Bonaparte’s dad. I LOVE it because his dad adores fat-ass women! I think that’s why his dad likes me so much!
Household tips!
Did you know that lemons are multitaskers?
Lemons are so incredibly versatile. Did you know that you can use them to clean your sink and to cut grease? I hope Martha does not steal this bit of knowledge. After I use a lemon, I don’t throw it out. I’ll clean the sink of grease with it, then I’ll put it into the disposal. The lemon keeps the disposal from stinking up!
Take good care of your house guests:
I haven’t had a period in ten years–but I know that Oona and her friends always seem to be crampy when they visit! ALWAYS keep a supply on hand. Besides, Tampons are great to help stop nosebleeds!
And finally, fashion with the Princess!
Hey. Who wouldn’t want to come home to THIS hot mess! Bra strap and all….
OK–that’s a classier pose. How about THIS lounging outfit? “Goop” and “Preserve” would NEVER show you THIS ensemble!! Pants from Gap outlet. They were 70 percent off $13.99. Got ’em for $4.20! The print is great because I can eat dinner in them and if I spill food, you can’t tell! Another magic item! I paired this with a Uniqlo sleeveless tee that I got for maybe five bucks and the sandals are from YEARS ago. Calvin Klein but I got them at Marshall’s dirt cheap! Oh..and the earrings were a buck from Walmart!
I’m a fashionable “Muthabucker”! I never pay full price!
So to all the Blakes. And to the Gwyneths. And to my precious Kim. And to my intimidating Martha—you have beautiful sites (Ok-Kim, we’re STILL waiting for yours!).
You are beautiful people who are lucky enough to afford stuff that is so “out-of’reach” for the vast majority. We all know that. So why not bring your lifestyles down a bit? Maybe take a lesson from MY “Lyfestile”.
Be a “hot mess” instead of a “god-ess”! It’s more fun!
We may not be Blakes or Gwyneths or Marthas or Kims. But we are all Beautiful People!
Here’s “Beautiful People” by Melanie. It’s a beautiful song!
