I’m throwing myself into the 2016 presidential race.  Why would I do that? You ask.

It’s because I’m sick and tired of the smear campaigning that is currently taking place. 

That’s right! I’ve had enough of the smear campaign that Donald and Hillary are embarking upon.  I am the one who can be more Presidential!

Trump smearing Hillary.  Hillary smearing Trump.   A Pap smear is more voter friendly than the campaigns of these two morons.

Look at these two.  Didja also notice that not one of them has addressed “Ageism”?  And they’re OLD!!!!!!

At least Bernie has a political platform. He actually speaks about what he would do for “We the People”—but that’s only if you are we-the-people-under-the-age-of-40! I love his ideas but he’s another one who says nothing about “Ageism”!!!  And sadly, Bernie is also guilty of bad mouthing candidates as well.

That’s right.  TURN IT OFF. Stop the smear campaigning and tell us what your damn platform is!

My platform would be created to take care of all Americans –especially those of us in the 50+ grouping!

Oh. My campaign would be very nice!

If I were President, I would…

Implement a Federal and more user-friendly healthcare system.  ALL Americans would have the same quality healthcare whether wealthy or poor.  Healthcare companies from insurance to home health claim “nonprofit” status. Thieves!  Administrators and executives draw huge salaries off this not-for-profit status. There IS a profit being made.

I would have auditors go into every single healthcare and Health Insurance Company. I would take the monies from their “nonprofits”, put it into a giant kitty, and distribute it back to all the people who have paid into healthcare and health insurance and have gotten screwed!

I would be like Robin Hood and take the monies from the Health Insurance companies that are robbin’ people and give the people back the excess!

 Taxes would be minimally raised to ensure that every single American had the same healthcare across the board.   People spend more money on beer and cigarettes. They don’t mind how high the taxes for booze or smokes are—but balk if taxes were raised in order help others. Go figure!

Speaking of which, I would also ban all pharmaceutical and healthcare ads from TV and other media.

This is me when watching those friggin’ medical instutition ads!

 These ads only feed into the hypochondriac that is deep within our souls.  We don’t need to be reminded that we may suffer from a bad disease someday. We don’t need to know that any given medication we are taking may kill us.

Am I tired—or is there something REALLY wrong with me? I live this every day! No more of this on TV!

Medical genre ads would be replaced with additional commercials for house cleaning, laundry and sanitizing products. After all, if you have a clean and spotless home, you will have less chance of becoming ill from germs and carpet mites.

Ads like this are so much more important than disease and medicine ads. After all, cleanliness and cleaning products KILL germs that make you sick!

Oh. And on the subject of carpet mites—I would also ban wall-to-wall carpeting in construction of new homes.  Hardwood floors are organic and more user-friendly.   And to those who are already in homes with established carpeting, a tax cut would be in place if you replace the carpeting with an organic substance such as tiles, hardwood, or cement. Just sayin’.

My Secretary of Medical Stuff  Like Insurance and Healthcare would be Dr. Who.  Because Who Cares!!

That’s right! Who cares? I rest my case.

Higher Education and Student Loans.  No student should have to go into debt for a college education. EVER!  Academics are no longer the most important aspect of colleges and universities. Sports are. And these institutions are making a ton of money in connection with sports.  These institutions are also sitting on huge endowment funds which collect interest.  Where’s the money going??  Administrators and professors are making ridiculous amounts of money.

Wait!!!!

I thought teaching was a passion and not so much a money-making machine.  I would cut sports scholarships and concentrate on intelligence and smarts to get a student into the college of their choice.  I would also make sure to cut those large salaries of certain staff members and spend less on the sports programs in order to see that tuition is lowered to a more affordable rate.

Secretary of Education is an important position in my cabinet and the title would go to Billy Madison. Billy is well-aware of the benefits of a decent education and he is relateable to everyone!

Billy Madison. My Secretary of Education because he KNOWS the value of a good one. He’s such a learned man/child!

And banks?  Well, should a student still need a loan to cover whatever costs they can’t afford, the banks would offer loans at an interest-free rate! Don’t even get me started on our financial institutions.  Obama should have placed those white-collar criminals in jail.  Instead they walked away Scott free while the average person suffered financial ruin and job loss. 

Screw you banks and financiers.  MY Secretary of Finance is going to be Bonaparte!  Yeah. It could be called cronyism or nepotism, but Monsieur Bonaparte saved me from financial ruin and got my credit rating from the bottom of the barrel to almost perfect!  If he could do it for me, he could do it for our country!

Bonaparte saved me from financial ruin. He’s very much the soldier on the war of impulse spending. He is what our country needs!

Ageism.  This is the most intense “ism” we now have. Unfortunately this is the ‘ism” that gets swept under the carpet.  None of these idiot politicians are speaking out against this horrific issue either.   Trust me. I need someone who would see to it that large corporations are HEAVILY FINED for NOT hiring the over 50 crowd. And I would make them hire people of the over 50 group in addition to heavy fines!   I need someone ballsy enough to make the country aware that older people are a force to be reckoned with and are intelligent and fun.  I need strong personalities to fight the fashion and beauty industries on their obsession with youth!  Looks like I’m going to have to go with a team of imports on this.  Hey. I’m fine with immigration.

My new Secretaries Against Ageism. Ladies and Gents, I present Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone!

That’s right beauty and fashion industries. You too big corporations–because Patsy will kick you in the ass!

And Edina and Patsy will be teaching the older citizens to party hearty!

It is also my vision to end “race profiling” on the roads and highways. That’s right. Speeding!  Enough of the police trying to snag people who are racing over the speed limit by 10 and 20 miles per hour.  I’ll make the patrolling officers go after those who drive at….a….snail’s……pace…..in the left hand lane.   $200.00 ticket for you since you don’t understand the meaning of “fast” lane.

Yeah. YOU–your car is NOT a rickshaw so get out of the left-hand lane! 

  Another $500.00 fine will be given to anyone texting!  Hey, you may think you are important, but you aren’t.  Texting kills.  Texting causes other drivers to become so stressed that they could become drinking drivers. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m bringing Eric Estrada out of retirement to be my Secretary of Highways and Byways!

You just KNOW that Chipster Eric will take care of our highways!  Would YOU give him a hard time?

Forget about Secretary of the Interior. I’m creating the position of Secretary of the Interior Design!   Every American needs to realize that they can turn their home into their private Oasis! Whether you are a millionaire or whether you live in a trailer park, your home is your castle.  We all need to live in tranquility and who better to teach us that than……

Christopher Lowell! YES! I’m bringing my gay  pretend husband out of obscurity. His decorating show from the late 1990’s to the early 2000’s was a must watch for me. I miss him terribly. He was one of my delusional bffs while the kids were at school. I would pretend that Christopher would come over to my house to decorate!   He would be sooooooooo much fun as our Secretary of the Interior Design! And I’ll bet he hates carpeting!!!

My delusional best friend forever, Christopher Lowell will make everyone’s home their beautiful castle!

Naturally, other positions will be available but I do want to add a few more.

Secretary of the Gender-Friendly Public Bathrooms.  I’ve got some news here.  We’ve all been living with gender-friendly public bathrooms for years.

Ever been to a public pool?  Yeah. I thought so!

“I’m Not Right In the Head.com” took this wonderful picture of the original gender neutral bathroom!

Ever been to the beach?  There are more bodily fluids than just Number 1 in that big toilet!

Here’s the more organic gender-friendly bathroom!

I grew up with two gender-friendly bathrooms. In our house! One upstairs and one downstairs.

And in our home growing up, we needed multiple gender-friendly bathrooms because some people spent more time than others on the throne!

My Secretary for this position would be none other than Miss Richfield 1981. She’s a woman who knows how to work a crowd. She’s incredibly patriotic and she can turn the ocean at “P” town, into “PP town” for one and all!

She’s a beauty. She’s a cutie. She’s my twin and she’s fierce. We need Miss Richfield! See how patriotic she is!!

I need a Secretary of Kindness.  Kindness counts, you know. Look how mean the people of our great country have become.   Ever read some of the comments on the CNN Facebook page when it comes to politics? Wow!  There is so much hate and anger. It’s sad.

We need more kindness with some hugs thrown in!

Meet our new Secretary of Kindness. LeBron James. He lived 23 Acts of Kindness and Giving. He knows how to give back.  I love you LeBron!

LeBron will turn our country around from meanness to kindness!

In addition, I’m sick of entitlement. It’s such an unattractive and smug tone.  But I see it everywhere.  First off, I’m getting rid of those idiotic “Reserved for Pregnant Women and Mothers of Children” signs. WTF is this anyway?  Entitled adults teaching their offspring more entitlement. Get out and walk the distance from your parked car to the store.  You don’t need to be treated special because you are NOT special.

So what if you have to walk a bit further to the store. Your labor will be easier and your kids will get some exercise.  Where are the spots reserved for “65 and Over”? What a lack of respect for our elders!

And don’t get me started on the Handicapped parking spots either.  Those spots should truly be reserved for those who cannot even walk out of their car!  Do you know how many times I’ve seen people jump out of their cars and run into the stores like an Olympic sprinter?  And their cars have handicapped plates.

No. No more! If you want handicapped plates, you had better darn well be in need of them because you are the ones who deserve them! Period!

I’m also tired of our overabundance of political correctness and the whining that goes hand-in-hand with it.

If someone compliments you on your appearance it is NOT offensive! If someone tells you your tits are standing as erect as two pink torpedoes—well, that’s offensive!

Hey. I’m all for empowering women–but this cartoon speaks volumes for how ridiculous PC has become!

If you are greeted with a friendly hug by a friend or co-worker it is NOT a sexual harassment.

If some leech grabs your ass and squeezes it then gets a glazed look in his eyes—that’s sexual harassment!

And so for these issues, I am appointing a Secretary of Ethics .  There is only one man for the job and that, my friends, is Bill Maher!  He gets it!

No Bill. You are NOT wrong!  You are so correct!

..unfortunately, these days you DO know what you are going to get. A liar and a self-important thief. With the exception of ME!

His job will be so difficult and taxing that I’m appoint an Assistant Secretary of Ethics. Margaret Cho!  She’s another one who gets it. And she’s got a great sense of humor!

Yup! Margaret doesn’t drive slowly in the left-hand lane! She is also incredibly politically incorrect. She’s going to be a great assistant to Secretary Maher!

Another thing. I’m giving my buddy Hipster Jesus a well-deserved rest!

Here’s looking at you too, Jesus.  I’m getting you out of politics once and for all!

He’s getting the heave-ho from politics.  He told me last night in a dream that he was tired and fed up with all the faux-Christian ideology in politics. He said that these “filthy pigs” (Hey, Jesus said it!) use him as an excuse for racism, hate and bigotry. I gave old Jesus the side eye until he added ageism!

Hey Jesus! Take the scarf off–and the tunic too. Get your shorts on because you are going on a serious vacay to become “Bless-ed and Rested”!

There’s so much more work that I need to do for my  2016 campaign, but I can promise that I will not send troops out to be maimed and killed over matters that are not our business!! And I will make sure that our vets get the respect and the emotional and physical care that they so deserve. Don’t mess with my soldiers!

Soldiers. You will all be back home now. I mean it.  And I’m gonna take great care of every single one of you!  

Oh. And one last thing.  Sacha Baron Cohen will be my new “Speaker of the House”.   But he needs to wear the same outfit he wore as Thenardier  in “Le Miz”.  That outfit was of epic greatness!It was so Napoleonic!

Call me shallow, but Cohen is so much hotter as Thenardier than Borat!

In addition, Cohen would be a great Speaker of the House because he could also go all Borat on the political bozos in congress!

Here’s a sneak peek at Cohen’s great political work!

No. He’s MY “Speaker of The House”!!

I’ll make America Greater! And more fun. And more kind! Enjoy the rest of this Memorial Day Weekend! XOXOXOXO