Bonaparte and I saw the movie “Bad Moms” last weekend. We went to see it on the recommendation of my daughter, Oona. She mentioned that I would love the movie because of the many “bad mom” moments she remembers during her childhood. She also said that the movie made her cry because she missed those moments.
Um. Yeah! I’m definitely a member of the “Bad Moms Club” In fact, I’m a blend of all three of these bad moms: Kiki, the stay-at-home mom. Amy, the mom who’s trying to do it all and going through a marriage break-up. And my favorite–Carla–the slutty single mom who crosses boundaries!!!
Well, I have to say—I thought “Bad Moms” was one of the greatest films of all time. And only because it portrayed moms as we are. We make mistakes. We aren’t perfect.
Carla could quite possibly be one of my alter-egos!
Even the ones you think are perfect? They aren’t. They are just good at hiding things.
The “perfect” mom–she’s a drawing! She isn’t real! As much as you know this mom–she is hiding a ton of shit!
Young moms today have it harder. They have to live up to all the “perfect” mommy bloggers, and those Pinterest Pins that’ll have you thinking you are a complete fail if you cannot create some sort of intricate food item for your child.
Quite honestly, I would have been the mother of all Pinterest Fails if I had to live up to the perfect specimens on the left. I’m glad that made-from-scratch chocolate chip cookies and brownies were baking mom successes when my kids were young!
It’s also harder because of political correctness. God forbid if you discipline your child in public, some do-gooder will think nothing of reprimanding you, filming it on their cell phone, and post it to Facebook—just to show how socially conscience they are. Well, karma will kick them in the ass tenfold!
Yeah. We ALL know “do-gooders” like these members of the Duggar family cult–and boy do they have a closet full of secrets!! So judge “mental” they are!
Anyway, after mulling my mothering skills over, I’ve come up with a list of shit I’ve done as a bad mom over the years. It’s pretty bad so if you can relate, please tell me some of your personal bad mom happenings.
Here goes:
I breast fed each of my children until they were three years old. It wasn’t because I wanted them to have the most natural form of nourishment. No. It was because I was too damned lazy to wake up in the middle of the night to give them a bottle. I also figured that as a stay-at-home mom, I could save money by not feeding them formula and that would equal more stuff I could buy for me! It was also easier to shove a tittie in their mouths rather than have to deal with whinging and whining.
Yeah. That’s right! No milk for you! There’s a new hungry boy in town!
Remember the movie “Beetlejuice”? Yeah. It remains a family favorite. Roman was two years old when the movie came out. Oona wasn’t even born yet. In my home, nothing is censored. And little Roman’s favorite scene was when Beetlejuice…
Roman loved to recite that moment. And I would laugh hysterically whilst telling him–“Oh stop. That’s naughty” And I would laugh some more. Only a truly insane and bad mother would laugh at that.
The biggest bad mother moment was in this old post. Click on the link and scroll down to St. Ignatius School.
It is no secret that I have a filthy mouth—especially while driving. One fine day, many years ago, I had to drive from Pennington, NJ to JFK airport to pick my brother up. Oona was about 7 years old and asked if her friend Megan could come for the ride. Fine. Somewhere along the Belt Parkway I heard Megan say to Oona. “Let’s play a game.” “We can see how many times your mom says the “Eff” word”.
Thank God Megan’s mother knows me well.
Another time I went to a Halloween party. I made a great costume. I went as a lady baseball player from the movie “A League of Their Own”. By the time I came home, I was in a league of my own. I drank so much that I threw up all over the kitchen floor when I came home—in front of all three kids.
Yes. I made this costume and my look was fabulous–but I threw up all over it and had to trash it!
I was in bed the next day until three in the afternoon. Those kids were on their own. Only a truly selfish and bad mom would do that.
Luckily I taught them to be self-sufficient at an early age so they were able to fend for themselves.
..and there’s a reason that my children played with fake kitchens and irons. The Bad Mom in me taught them to be self-sufficient!
Other bad mom moments through photos:
Instead of disciplining my 18-month old son, Roman for going into the fridge, taking out sausage and wine, I turned it into a memory with a photo. It was late afternoon so I opened the bottle and had a kitchen picnic! I’m sure he slept well that night after breast feeding him with my wine-infused milk!
I put Jake into a dangerous position on the subway platform for a “first-day-of-kindergarten” photo…
…and I continued that “first-day-0f-school” photo tradition. Jake may have been off at college, but Roman and Oona were at home. There was no escaping me and the camera!
I allowed my daughter to sit on furniture and eat. Proving to my family that I was the most vile mother on earth.
I didn’t shield my children from scary monsters…
..nor did I shield them from dangerous wildlife!
I allowed them to forget about table manners every now and then…
..and I allowed them to dress themselves..
…sometimes!
I allowed my daughter to dress inappropriately in public…
..and I did too!
But, being the horrific mother that I am, I also bribed my daughter into wearing what I wanted her to wear. And I bribed her with soda and fast food…
..and I had birthday parties for the kids at…*gasp*!! McDonalds!!!
Yum! What toddler doesn’t love a good fry??
Chicken pox didn’t stop me from allowing Oona to be a flower girl in her cousin’s wedding! Here she is at the rehearsal dinner. A bad mom allows this. A GOOD mom would ruin the wedding by keeping the poxed out child home! (BTW, when the pox are like this, the disease is no longer contagious. Bad moms know this.)
A bad mom gives her child a bad body image..
..and embraces the strange things kids enjoy putting on their faces!
A bad mom takes photos of her kids in their underwear..
…and does not mind when her children play with those foam packing pellets that get all over the house. Instead–she joins in on the fun!
A bad mom will try to dress her child up like this….
…and then get a happy smile when she tells him he doesn’t have to wear that get up!
A bad mom will bury her children in the sand…
..and will not panic if they try to eat it. Sand IS organic after all!
A bad mom will make her children stay outside in bad weather. So what if they catch cold? Then they get to stay home with me and have fun!
A very bad mom will make her child do chores like shovel snow..then make hot cocoa!
An uber bad mom will keep old composition books from her kids’ school days. Then she will find something like THIS and start laughing out loud till it hurts. I swear I don’t remember this but boy, did it make me laugh when I found it yesterday! And BTW, he meant “religion” as a subject in school! I’m guessing he wasn’t fond of spelling either!
A bad mom INSISTS on taking tourist pics of her teenaged sons. And they comply–or else!
..a bad mom just smiles when her child comes to realize that “mommy is just not right in the head”!
A bad mom will make her children stand out in the freezing cold weather at the Thanksgiving Day parade to see balloons like this!
A bad mom will live vicariously through her child. But she also knows just WHERE her child is on the weekends! Practice!
And a bad mom will stop at NOTHING to snap a picture of her child during a life event–like cutting into the procession at high school graduation!
I didn’t tell my children, nor did I announce to everyone within earshot how cute they were. Instead I reminded them that the world does not center around them and they will discover that not everyone likes them. That was such a bad mom thing to say!
I would rather tuck them in their beds at night and tell them I loved them and thanked them for making my day a better one.
I punished them when they were naughty. But I praised them when they carried out a good deed.
My bad mom shit—well, yeah, it was bad at times. I had nobody close to me to offer advice. I could only go on instinct. Sometimes the instinct didn’t work that well, but most times, it did.
..and to get back at the bad mom, your child will turn into a badass who does this!!!! I was so angry at Oona for A. going skydiving and B. going skydiving and NOT telling me until after the deed was done!
So to all those moms out there with younger kids. Be yourself. Go with your gut. Don’t allow others to judge you or your children. Don’t try to be a Pinterest Princess. Nobody is perfect—and that’s what’ll turn you into a great mom!!
Party like a Bad Mom because you deserve it!!
It wouldn’t be complete without an anthem to bad moms all over: Mother’s Little Helper–the one. the only. Rolling Stones!
