“I swearda God I’m gonna boot yer ass from here ta kingdom come”
Thomas Wynne
Quoted on a Friday evening in the Fall in 1975 when two Thai sticks fell out of my brother’s back jeans pocket.
My brother’s biggest mistake was getting caught. That’s what younger sibs get for not listening to me!
Ahh. Fall! It evokes so many warm and toasty memories. Like the one above. I’ll never forget the look on my father’s face when those sticks fell out of my brother’s pocket. It was hard to fool my dad. He was a NYC police officer.
If only I had a sign that read: Stoner Lives Matter.
And no. My dad did NOT boot my brother’s ass from here to kingdom come. He did worse. My brother had two tickets to see Elton John at the Garden. He was going to take a girl he liked.
My dad ripped the tickets up. Talk about Police Brutality and Tough Love!
The scent of burning cannibus leaves in the Fall has been replaced with Pumpkin Spice Lattes!
Starbucks Spiced Pumpkin Latte is now the recreational drug of choice these days!
How warm and fuzzy.
That quote by my dad reminded me that I needed to assess my “BOOT” wardrobe from last year.
Everything always comes back to me!
My closet floor was a mess. Shoes and boots everywhere. Being depressed isn’t easy you know—it just creates mess and clutter. And then I have to clean it up.
I have no idea how that gym shoe got on top of that pile. I haven’t worked out in over a year. That’s right. I own my laziness.
Ugh. In order to get to my boots, I knew I would have to start by organizing my shoes.
I had to tackle this mess too.
Oh damn. Bonaparte is gonna freak out if he sees the mess Chippy made! Well, at least he knows well enough to not eat any more of my sandals or shoes!
I also had to tackle Chippy’s handy work…
…while he completely ignores me…
Then I did something that I have been dreading since the late spring and my enormous weight gain.
I tried my Tory Burch boots on to see if they fit.
This is where the struggle began. I had to muster all my strength and shove my fat calf into this boot. I broke out in a sweat. (maybe I lost an ounce in the process?)
Let me tell you a bit about these boots. They are the bane of my existence. I purchased them….four or five years ago at Nordstrom’s huge semi-annual sale.I got them half price.
When I tried them on, I was wearing tights. That means there wasn’t any extra fabric from—jeans to get in the way. I zipped the boots up—just barely and they fit OK, but felt weird in the foot. I just figured the odd fit was because they were new and a bit stiff.
The next time I wore the boots, it took a bit longer to zip them up. I was wearing skinny jeans and the fabric from the jeans—albeit it stretchy, made it nearly impossible to zip the boots up. But—I was determined and won the war.
The boots were the most uncomfortable boots in the world. Big score for Tory Burch. At least she only got half my money.
The thing is, I love the color of the boots. I love the hardware. I wish the boot was taller because I love a super tall boot.
I also cannot stand the “foot” part of these boots—they make my foot look huge!!!!
See how big the foot part is of this boot? My feet look massive.
Anyway, I squeezed my ever-widening ass and ever-thickening thighs into one of my favorite pair of Skinnies: Gap 1969 Legging Jeans. Even though I’ve grown into a 10, it’s really important to size down when it comes to skinny jeans with stretch.
Luckily, over time the boots stretched out in the calf area and I was able to zip them up. Big but (or shall I say “butt”) here. One of my calves is thicker than the other. My left leg was killing me because it was so tight. My blood circulation felt completely cut off. I could not wait to get these things off.
That is not a smile on my face. It’s a grimace because my left leg’s blood circulation was cut off! Do you like the blazer? J. Crew Regent blazer. 30% off. I’ll be in trouble when Bonaparte reads this blog post today.
Solution? I’ll either take the boots to be stretched professionally, or I’ll do it myself.
Those boots were the first—and last Tory Burch boots I will ever purchase!
In the meantime, I’ll keep wearing this pair of over-the-knee boots from Chinese Laundry. Got ’em maybe three or four years ago—under $100. They are comfortable as all get out and look great. They’ve held up incredibly well for an inexpensive boot!
The fake leather is super comfy. Oh…I just realized these boots are Vegan. I feel even more good about these boots now. Seriously. I really like these boots so much and they are very calf-friendly.
I’ve always loved the Stuart Weitzman 50/50 boots, but just cannot justify spending $655.00 on them. Besides the price, I would be petrified to wear them in the extreme winter weather and ruining them.
Miranda Kerr can afford Stuart Weitzman, but the majority of us cannot. Although I must say, these boots are beautiful–but unaffordable.
Last year, I spotted a great dupe at DSW for $49.99. I ended up purchasing a pair for my daughter, Oona and a pair for me.
Sure—they are on the “cheaper” end, but they look great and wear very well. Oona said they actually held up better in the messy NYC winter than she could have ever imagined.
These Unisa knock-offs come in various colors too and are extremely “calf friendly”. Muscular, wider, athletic calves won’t have any issue wearing these!
This photo sucks. My apologies. But look how decent the Unisa dupes of the 50/50’s look. For the price, not bad at all.
A year before discovering the Unisa knock off, I found a Nine West dupe at Lord and Taylor. They were $149.00 and I had a coupon for 40% off. It was a deal!
Nine West boots on the left. Unisa on the right. Trust me, both pair look much better on a set of legs than on the floor.
The material is a bit on the shinier side, but these look great with skirts and dresses. I like the tallness of these boots too and they have held up amazingly well!
This is the great surprise about cleaning your closet out. I forgot about these high dark brown boots by Hinge. Again, I purchased these at Nordstrom’s semi-annual sale at the end of summer 2014. They are tall, they zip up with jeans. I like the rugged look and they make my feet look small.
These are another favorite of mine (even though I forgot I had them). They are slightly rugged looking and imperfect.
See these Vince Camuto booties below? I love them and they are comfy. I’m hoping I get some decent use out of them this winter. They are perfect for office wear. But what office am I going to wear these in? My home office???? I may just give them to Oona—she’ll get more use out of them!
It would be nice to have a job to wear these cuties to. Oh well, I can dream, can’t I?
I love the Sam Edelman boots that lace up. I call them my “nun” boots. They are pictured below on the left. The Enzo Angiolini boots on the right are a favorite of Bonaparte’s. He loves the way they look on me! He’s going to have to clean them for me though because I have salt marks from the snow on them.
See how bunched up the jeans are? I cannot stand when that happens. That’s why a belt is needed when wearing skinny jeans and boots.
Now look at the pic. I put a belt on.
See what a belt does? It keeps my jeans up and then there’s no bunching. Nice and smooth.
I need to rest now. It’s hot and I should be in shorts and a loose t shirt instead of the clothing changes I made with all these boots. Hot flashes! I’m gonna cool off.
So long for today folks! I’m going to get an ice cold drink and chill!
Hopefully it’ll get cool enough to wear these boots soon. Very soon.
Oh. Before I leave. Here’s the end result of my boot pile. It should stay like this at least until the weekend.
Since the topic is boots—here’s some Bootsy Collins. “Bootzilla” Time to get funked up!
