Atypical 60 Looks at The 2017 Golden Globe Awards!

I know I’m supposed to be working on a post about sales and bargains. But I got waylaid because……Award Season has begun!

Award Season!!  Part of the Golden Globe fun is when the camera pans to all the stars shoving food in their mouths while eating their dinner!!

Time to pick the best of the best in the entertainment industry!  Oh trust me. I love going to the movies.  But I look at film in a different way. I usually come out of the movie thinking that some idiot who can barely write got a shitload of money for coming up with a mediocre screenplay. I could do better.

I very rarely look this content and happy while watching a movie that Bonaparte has paid almost twenty bucks a ticket for. The films are usually worth watching on Netflix for ten bucks a month.

And the acting!  Many times I’ve left the theatre trying to figure out who the cast slept with to snag such a great or even lousy role—and for a really, really hefty salary.  I could act for a cheaper price—and nobody would even have to sleep with me either. Actually, nobody would even want to sleep with me!

Yes.  I enjoy loving to hate those who are even more self-centered than I am!

Thank you. Thank you. I am the center of my universe. No make that I am the center of THE universe!

The Red Carpet? I would rock it like a space ship! I know how to pose. Trust me; I’ve been posing in front of a mirror since I was a kid.  Lips pursed. Chest out. Tummy sucked in. Ass sticking out like a bustle. Hand on hip.  Head tilted to the side.  One leg slightly in front of the other.

Ann Hathaway’s talent for posing surpasses her talent for acting..

..I don’t know who this is but she is the best poser of all time!

Talk about sassy!  Miranda Kerr has got it goin’ on with the stance!

It’s time to dish the snark!

I first started my Golden Globe evening by turning on E’s “Countdown To the Red Carpet” and my blood started to boil.

It was more like “deadly” from the Red Carpet with Kris Jenner hosting!

Why was Kris Jenner hosting?  She has no talent other than making billions by shilling a video of her daughter Kim going pee-pee on Ray J.  Oh—she made lots and lots of money for Ryan Seacrest so I guess he had to let her host. Her talent is making money.

Ugh. The dress is absolutely hideous! And the hair. Look at her cheek implants! I think they were supposed to be planted in the other end! Oops–it looks like they were!

She was awful! Awful.  With all her millions and billions, she can’t afford a decent hair style?  Honestly, I’ve seen butch women with better haircuts than Kris Jenner.   Her face looks more plastic than Nicole Kidman’s!

Kris is smiling because she knows that Ryan Seacrest will do whatever she tells him to!

And the dress. I can’t even. I swear she wore the lining of a purse that was purchased about 50 years ago at Woolworth’s.

Note to Ryan Seacrest.  Please have just Giuliana Rancic and only Giuliana Rancic as the sole woman hosting all of the Red Carpet events that are televised on E!

Ryan, you need to take a step back and bring Giuliana back into the spotlight. For ALL the Red Carpet Events!

And Rancic’s male companion host should be none other than Billy Eichner of “Billy on the Street” fame!  He would be perfect! He’s Jewish.  He’s Gay. He’s loud!  He tells it like it is!  He’s like the guy gay version of Joan Rivers. He could change his name to Jon Rivers!!!

Billy Eichner don’t take no crap from anyone!  He would be the next best thing to Joan Rivers on that Red Carpet.  

Please Ryan Seacrest. If you should see this, please reach out to Billy Eichner!

And the stars LOVE him!  Look at how happy Rashida Jones is to be with him!!

Poor Joan Rivers!  I’m sure she is turning in her grave! Since she’s left us, the stars don’t even make an attempt to look…well, to look like stars anymore.

Joan–the entertainment world is just not the same without you. It’s so boring!

They all look like hot messes.

Shall we take a look at last night’s gowns?

At first glance, I loved Blake Lively’s look. Her breasts are looking mighty fine because she just had a baby and she’s nursing! My breasts were HUGE when I nursed!  I feel a connection here.  Then I looked down and saw those tiny pockets! Pockets are supposed be large enough to stick your entire hand in.  This gown should have had either larger pockets or no pockets at all.  She was one of my best dressed until I saw the pockets. But then, she was wearing Ryan Reynolds–so I guess she really WAS best dressed!

Seriously–what’s with trying to get your hands in those mini-pockets?  I don’t understand the pockets at all!

I’m Just Jealous of Just Jared because I wasn’t at the Golden Globes and he was.  Sofia Vergara must have gotten her invite very late because she looks like she took a roll of aluminum foil, crumpled it up and made a gown out of it.  Why is she wearing her beautiful hair back?  She has the greatest hair ever. It needs to be down. SHE is one of the few who can actually wear a plunging neckline. Why wasn’t she?

Instead, we had a parade of flat-chested ingenues sporting the deepest of necklines!  I love Jessica Biel but this ensemble is one hot mess…

I almost gave her a free pass because she and her  husband Justin are so cute. Look how lovingly he looks at her!  I took the pass back because the top of the dress is just awful. Awful!

And if you do insist on wearing a plunging neckline, please have boning to push the girls up a bit. Mandy’s girls look awful. They are saggier than mine and I”m 61 years old!

Laura Dern got the plunge just right.  But she should have had some lift on top. I have to admit. I’m not a huge fan of prints like this but I love the way she looks.  The dress fits well and is very flattering on her.  

She may not have been at the Golden Globes this year, but Katy Perry knows how to make HER globes look great. THIS is the body for a plunging neckline! Please lady stars, take note for next year. Either get a boob job, get great boning in the dress or better yet–don’t wear a plunging neckline!

My favorite look of the evening. Reese Witherspoon was best dressed.  She looks like buttery goodness.  She should get an award for being best dressed!

Why would a cute girl like Anna Kendrick want her titties to look malformed? This dress is awful.  There is nothing beautiful about it.  Why Anna. Why?

She was beautiful in Sex and The City and even more beautiful as one of the Sanderson Sisters in Hocus Pocus.  So why did Sarah Jessica Parker..

…wear this monstrosity of a get up?  If she wore a brown cloak she could have passed as a Yodel or a Little Debbie Swiss Roll!  The hair. OMG. The hair.  Are we playing Old Heidelberg Beer Lady?  This is wrong on so many levels..

Emma Stone is pasty white.  I am pasty white. I would NEVER wear a gown like this with my pasty white skin. She looks ill.  What happened to the fake tans?  What happened to the fake tits? Is Hollywood making a turn for the natural look?  Stop it!  You are here to entertain.  Stone needs bright colors!

OK..so this Valentino dress looks slightly better on the Red Carpet–but even with a bit more blush of color on this dress, it just doesn’t have that wow factor. She really needs a brighter color!

It’s bad enough that Carrie Underwood has horrific posture. And even worse that she looks like a giant wad of chewed Bazooka Bubble Gum. I’ve nothing more to say about this disaster.

I freaking LOVE Viola Davis. She is one of the most beautiful women on earth.  The dress?  She looks great in the one-shoulder.  The fit is fabulous, and the gown is lovely in classic simplicity.  But the color is wrong.  A deep purple or a bright orange or a bright red would look epic.  It isn’t a great yellow.

Worst dress of the evening belongs to Felicity Jones. She may have purchased this at Forever 21! The fit is awful.  The top looks too small and short waisted and she is drowning in the bottom.  This is a mess. And she’s so pretty!

I have to open up my big mouth about Damien Chazelle, the screenwriter and director for the film “La La Land”. What an ass!  You can always tell the character of people by the way they refer to others.  In his acceptance he referred to others who worked with him as “my”.  “My” this.  “My” that.  You work on a film—you work as a team. This narcissist could have used the word “Our”. Or better yet, just said the name of the person.  Oh you have no idea how that “my” gets on my last nerve.

Damien, you may be a winner at the Golden Globes, but you are not a winner with me.  Your crew is a team. You are part of a team. The people who work for you are not “YOURS”. 

Don’t get me started on the two-second tribute to Debbie Reynolds and her daughter Carrie Fisher. The story of their passing is an incredible twist of fate. And the women were Hollywood royalty.  That was not a tribute—it was a mere mention.  Let’s hope the Academy Awards gives these two wonderfully talented a true tribute!

Golden Globes. You screwed up by not giving these two wonderful women a REAL tribute. Shame on you. Shame. On. You.

When my girl crush, Viola Davis, started her personal tribute to Meryl Streep, I started to groan. Viola—Granny Smith apples are the best apples for an apple pie or tart. Go ask Francois Payard. He will agree with me!  Whatever apples Meryl uses are not the best. Streep is an actor’s actor(ress). She is not a professional baker.

Viola. I want to bake with you. We would have so much fun together!  I could even show you how to make the best Buche de Noel for next Christmas!  I love the lashes. Can’t we be friends?

And then, the light from above started shining when Streep made her acceptance speech for receiving the Lifetime Achievement award!  She got political in the most graceful and classy way—something I could never do. And with grace and class, Meryl Streep tore that #notmypresident down with a few sentences.  I. Love. Meryl. Streep!

Meryl. You’ve just about achieved anything an actor could. I do believe the time has come for you to enter politics! If a reality show host could become (notmy) President of the USA, then surely you, who played Margaret Thatcher could have a good chance of becoming the first Lady President.  Whadya say?

With Streep being the only high point of the evening, I shut the TV off and went to sleep. I had enough of the real  La La Land for one night!  Reese Witherspoon was the closest to a Wow but she’s worn that look before.   My opinion is that these ladies either need new stylists or need to check themselves in a mirror before heading out to award shows.

Bravo to Meryl Streep for putting the #notmypresident in his place.  Bravo to Reese Witherspoon for being the best dressed. Bravo to Laura Dern for a spectacular look and Bravo Mention to Viola Davis–the color of the dress stopped me from giving you a full-on Bravo!

I want to see the return of old school elegance and glamour.  I do not like the current awards look!

This is elegance–Lana got it right!

This is true glamour–right down to the killer nails. Loretta Young’s look is incredibly beautiful!

Hepburn. Simple perfection!

Ready for round two.  The Oscars!!

..or better yet, we should rename them “The Catherine’s”!!  Told you I was self-centered!

What’s your opinion?  Today’s stars not looking so elegant?  Did you watch the Globes?  I’m curious!

There is only one song that I can give you.  The Kinks “Celluloid Heroes”. Sung by SIR Ray Davies!