Yes. It’s another Duggar post. I just cannot help myself! This family has been getting media coverage larger than Kim Kardashian’s ass for cryin’ out loud!
Anyway, I had a conference call with Hipster Jesus and Satan last night! I thanked both men for their help with my last Duggar post. My Interview With The Devil
If it weren’t for Hipster Jesus, I would have never had been able to visit Satan for that interview and make the return back home!
The Three Amigos! Hipster Jesus, Me, and Satan! We’ve been having serious discussions lately!
We got to talking and, well, one thing led to another and before you knew it both Jesus and Satan and I agreed on something. Hipster Jesus and Satan are so busy during back to school time–what with the teachers’ pets and the juvies—they have their hands full of good and naughty students!
What we agreed on is that Momma Michelle Duggar needs to shut down her home school and send the remainder of her school-aged litter, god’s gifts, result of Satan’s sinful lust, children to a regular school!
Michelle Duggar just isn’t cut out to be an educator. Come to think of it, she’s not cut out to be a mother either! (photo from Betty Bowers.com)
I thought good and hard about that. They were right. Since I’m a giver, I’m going to write about how the Duggar children could have been saved from the hypocritical extremist “Christian” Fundamentalist lifestyle and how they could have been saved from Michelle’s horrific version of home schooling.
But—it isn’t too late!
Josh, especially, had his pathetic parents taught him the difference between wrong and right, would have learned that you don’t practice sex education on your sisters and it is wrong to cheat on your wife!
Word on the street is that Joshie is in “fake” rehab! He’s so creepy! He was cheating on his wife. That wasn’t nice but she’s not that nice either. She writes hateful things about the gay community on her social media. One creep deserves another, I suppose!
Since Jim Bob and Michelle Duggashian are such great believers in Jesus and love to put the blame on Satan for sins of all kinds rather than their own conscience, their kids would have benefitted not just from a regular school education, but from a Catholic School education.
Gotta love Betty Bowers–she sees right through these phonies! It’s so true. They despise EVERYONE–and they USE godliness as an excuse!
I’m going to tell you why!
First of all, Michelle has no sense of style. Look at the way the children were dressed before they became the “Duggashians”.
I’m sorry, but these skirts are just wrong on so many levels. They need REAL uniforms!
I know, they still dress modestly, but if they wore parochial school uniforms, the kids would be so much more fashionable.
Look how cute and adorable these students look in their uniforms! The Duggar kids would look precious dressed like this!
Only caveat—it may make the teenaged girls more enticing to Jim Bob, Josh, and the rest of those slimy extremist Fundamentalist and Gothard-following men. Ewwwwww.
Look how cute and truly modest these uniforms are! The shoes on the boy are so trendy too!
Fear not, though. Nuns are extremely protective of girls. Especially if those girls want to run around and do “sinful” things like jump rope in front of boys.
The nuns will make the girls wear shorts under their skirt! THIS way the boys (and creepy men like Jim Bob) cannot be tempted. AND the girls can wear skirts that are cute and shorter and timelessly trendy!
Something tells me the Duggar girls would NOT be wearing shorts with “Mensa” displayed on the rear. Mommy Michelle would think it means something dirty about men!
The nuns would also make sure the girls never, ever, wear patent leather shoes. Don’t forget! Boys can look up a dress by looking down at a girl’s patent leather shoes. When those Catholic boys say they are “reflecting”, they ain’t talking about the spiritual kind!
No. No. No!! These shoes are forbidden in Catholic School. “Forbidden” is a word the Duggar parents LOVE–they really should consider a parochial education for their children!
But it’s all good because the good Sisters have that under control by making the girls wear dull oxford saddle shoes!
Well–perhaps Bass Weejuns would be a better alternative than these!
The point is, nuns—especially the Sisters that taught me, weren’t morons. They were well-aware of what boys and girls do. Rather than make girls stop having fun doing stuff that girls do, they just found a solution by making us girls wear the shorts under our uniforms. This way, the boys didn’t stand around trying to catch a glimpse of what kind of panties we were wearing, and the girls didn’t have to be embarrassed by the boys trying to look. Very simple.
Speaking of “Sisters”. Michelle is such an overwhelmed home educator that she has to force the older girls into mothering the younger children—”Sister Moms”.
Poor JanaSisterMom. She has her hands full now that Jill and Jessa are out of the
prison house and married to a couple of self-righteous losers! But now Jana’s fate is sealed. She is the main Sister Mom!
If she places the younger children in Catholic School—she really will have sister moms!
I was lucky. I had a REAL Sister Mom. Actually it was my Sister Aunt, Sr. Thomas aka Aunt Eleanor! My mom and my aunts who had children were fortunate enough that there were TWO Sister Aunts in the family! They were loving and nurturing! And YES, that baby is ME!
Nuns may love to punish older kids, but they just love the “little ones”. Give a nun a small child and they melt! The nuns love to teach children the difference between real godliness and real sin; they can achieve this from the earliest age possible. AND—the nuns will do this without the Fundie “blanket training” method. Nuns wait till the kids are older to start with the capital punishment! Blanket Training in a nutshell. From Wiki
Did I mention punishment? When you go to Catholic school, you learn discipline and learn it quickly. Don’t worry about having to answer to God. Those socially inept and badly behaved Duggar children will have to answer to an even higher power than God. They will have to answer to a Catholic School Principal!
Sr. Mary Isabel, MY school principal. I get scared just looking at this picture. She was more strict than Hipster Jesus would ever be! (Thanks to Anne Neagle O’Sullivan, a classmate of mine at St. Pat’s for supplying this pic!)
The added benefit is that Catholic School students actually get marked for Conduct and Effort!!! Can you put A+ Effort into D- Conduct? I’ll never know because I would get the shit kicked outta me for asking a nun that question! That kick in the pants is still better than the blanket training the Duggar children must endure!
Now tell me, what other school would grade on Conduct and Effort?????
Michelle’s homeschooling doesn’t include “Skiense”. Oops. I’m getting all Duggar. I mean “Science”!
Contrary to what others may believe, Science is alive and well in Catholic school! So is technology!
Today’s Catholic Schools supply the students with Laptops! The Duggar kids would be right at home. After all, being a TLC celebrity has allowed the godly Duggars many seasons of life in which they can afford laptops and smartphones! But they STILL don’t watch TV!!!!
It’s all about the “Science Fairs”! The added benefit of having a project displayed at the Science Fair means that you get out of the classroom for a few hours during the fair! What child doesn’t love that?
This young man certainly deserves his award. He wants to save the fish, but what about the loaves?
Here’s another incredible science project. The Duggars can definitely learn from this because they drink a TON of soda!
Had it not been for Catholic School science fairs I would have never known about “Inertia”! Frank Cerebino’s award-winning project taught me so!
Frank used balls just like this to explain inertia! 50 years later and I still remember this project!
Who says Catholic school kids are repressed? Not me! Sex education starts in Catholic school at around 7th grade. Children just entering into their pre-teen and teenaged years need to be able to tell the difference between sinful behavior and acting with grace. What better way to experiment with “dirty feelings” than at a make out party!
This group looks like they’ve been taught the fine art of making out a long time ago!
Boys learn to cop a feel over a tissue-filled padded bra that doesn’t belong to their sister! Girls can sit on a boy’s lap and learn the difference between a wooden Number 2 pencil and a “woodie”! Joshie could have explored the forbidden forest on his female schoolmates rather than on his sisters if he was sent to Catholic school. Josh’s sins are Mortal!
Speaking of “mortal” sin. Catholic school explains sin in such a fun and entertaining way.
We Catholics don’t need a Bible to bang! We have the Baltimore Catechism instead!
You learn through fun illustrations in the Baltimore Catechism!
Uh oh! Looks like Josh Duggar’s milk bottle soul is filled with dark chocolate milk! So are Jim Bob’s and Michelle’s!
We know how to sacrifice too! I think I’ll have canned hash for dinner tonight as a sacrifice. Yuck!
Catholic School students are so well-aware of truly sinful behavior! What could be a worse sin than thinking about a TV show during Mass?
Catholics keep it simple too—with questions and answers:
Question: Why did God Make You?
Answer: God made me to know him, and love him, and serve him in this world!
Question: Why did Jesus perform his first miracle?
Answer: Because his mother asked him to.
That’s just as easy as “Why did Christian Louboutin make shoes?” (Shhhh—the answer is: Loubs made shoes to know him, and love him, and wear his shoes while serving him in this world!)
These Christian Louboutin shoes are just so sinful and they are what every Catholic School girl covets!
Michelle and Jim Bob think being a *cough* “Missionary”, means not only Michelle on the bottom, but means going to a “third” world country and converting the Catholics to the extreme Fundamentalist lifestyle! Ouch!
Jill and Derrick “Duggashian” Dillard are missionaries.
Wow! Jill and Derrick Duggar/Dillard look like they are having a real struggle in El Salvador…….
…I’ll bet they are on a mission to find a FundieMom to take care of their baby. I’ll bet they bring this nice lady back home and let God pay her with good graces instead of money!
They are now trying to bribe the people in El Salvador over to the Fundie life by handing out photographs of the Duggar family.
Look! That lady in the middle is holding a photo of the Duggars that Derrick and Jill handed out. She doesn’t appear to be to thrilled about it either. Those missionaries!!!
Derrick and Jill’s Fundie missionary life style means playing at the beach and staying in a nice house!
Just WHO is Derrick converting–the fish?
REAL missionaries live in shacks…just sayin’!
A Catholic School education will teach the Duggar children about real missionaries.
They will receive a “Mite box”—which is a little cardboard box that Catholic students place their spare change and pennies into. They sacrifice buying candy bars to save the little pagan babies from Satan (sorry Satan, but it’s true. Besides YOU get the fake missionaries like the Duggars so it’s an even draw).
These little boxes can collect tons of change–and relieve dental bills!
Catholic Students read “Maryknoll” magazine. This is a must because it allows the student to read and look at photographs of what the Catholic missionaries actually do….
This group of Maryknoll Sisters is happy knowing they will actually be EDUCATING the poor people!
The real missionaries build schools and educate the children so that they can grow up and attend a real college and make a better life for themselves!!! I’m sure the Maryknoll missionaries don’t give candy to the poor people either. Instead, they find dentists to fix the teeth that were ruined by the sugary candies that fake missionaries like Jill and Derrick hand out!
This is a sampling of the kinds of photos we saw in Maryknoll Magazine! You can bet the Maryknoll missionaries built the school that the pictured classroom was in!
Looks like the missionaries also taught Math too!
The only sad thing about reading Maryknoll is that some of the missionaries were murdered because they placed their lives in danger. The only thing the Dillard/Duggar missionaries place themselves in is “People” magazine!
Anna and Josh Duggar are REALLY smiling because they knocked the THREE AMERICAN HEROS off from being the major cover photo on newsstands! I don’t like the way Josh is looking at me! I feel so….violated!
Catholic Schools Offer Extra-curricular activities!
That’s right. Take one nun with a talent and who knows where it’ll take you! WE had Sr. Kathleen Marie and her baton twirling expertise!
Your’s truly! I was at the start of my “akward unibrow stage” but if anyone gave me trouble–I had my baton!
The Duggar girls sure could have learned to twirl a baton from Sr. Kathleen Marie—those batons could multitask as weapons of protections against the incestuous actions of Brother Josh!
Sr. Kathleen Marie surrounded by the St. Patrick School Twirlers! Those Duggar girls need to learn to use a baton too. For protection against Brother Josh!
St. Patrick’s School also had a marching band. Participating in a school band would be a tremendous asset to any Duggar child because they could march sinful thoughts out of their bodies with hours and hours of practice!
Catholic Schools also have clubs too. Clubs are the Catholic version of the after-school program. Art Club, Science Club, and the mother of ALL Catholic School Clubs. The Rosary Club.
No! It isn’t Michelle with Josie. It’s Mary the most divine mother of all time!
The Rosary Club would be such a beneficial club for the Duggar children to join. Instead of memorizing all those Psalms and their matching numbers, all they would need to know are The Glory Be, The Our Father, The Hail Mary—and for numbers sake— the FIVE mysteries of the Rosary.
I have my Rosaries hanging off my rear-view mirror in my car. I cannot begin to count the amount of Holy Rosaries I’ve recited to myself while stuck on the Belt Parkway or Route 422!
Catholics are the basic mathematicians of prayer!!
Catholic Schools are also diverse. You don’t have to be Catholic to attend Catholic school. When my sons attended St. Ignatius Loyola School in Manhattan, there were quite a few non-Catholics. There were even two Jewish students! It just means higher tuition rates—which the Duggars can afford since they have tons of money from both their TV adventures and their constant requests for donations begging of money!
These two love the money that their *ahem* Z-list celebrity status has brought them. They should use some of the money for tuition to give their children a better education than the one Michelle is giving them!
But the best thing that kids get out of Catholic School is that great sense of humor! Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Yup! Ask almost any adult who attended Catholic school and they will laugh about the rituals, the punishments, the pranks, the nuns, and the weird shit like being “fined” for touching snow in the playground!
Catholic school may not be for everybody, but in the case of the Duggar children—it may be the best solution to get them away from the teachings of Jim Bob and Michelle!
Hmmph! I was IN this class but the school had the NERVE to take the photo on the one day that I was sick! Mrs. Michaelis was one very strict lay teacher!
Today’s song and oldie by the Knickerbockers (who sound a lot like the Beatles). “Lies”! Dedicated to Michelle and Jim Bob’s teachings!
Oh, I just loved this, from the reference to Kim K’s horrifically large butt to Josh’s lounge-lizard, creepy look (at all of us…OMG) on the cover of People. I think Catholic school would be perfect for the remaining Duggar kids. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.
P.S. I swear I can hear John Lennon’s voice in “Lies.” !!!
Hi Leslie! Trust me, a good dose of Catholic schooling would have those kids changed people–and they would wake up and leave that house o’ horrors! LOL. I swear the Knickerbockers sound JUST like ALL the Beatles! It is uncanny! XOXOXO!!!
I chuckled all the way through that. But when you started talking about inertia I was sure you were going to talk about going bra-less! LOL I gotta pass this one along to a WHOLE list of folks! How’s that book comin’? 😀
I’m so glad you chuckled. Bonaparte thinks I may have gone a bit too far–but then again, I’m not a PC type of woman!!! LOL–braless, I wish. I swear that Inertia science fair story is true! Add to that Frank was quite the talented singer. All the girls in 4th grade just loved him! Hmmmm…I think I can add that to the book! XOXOXO!!!
LOL, another great post. I really enjoy reading these! 🙂
Spear–as long as the Duggars are in the news–they are fodder for any of my remarks!! LOL. I’m so glad you enjoyed! XOXOXO!!
Major de ja vu……beanies , uniforms, nuns with clickers…. Marching in unison out of mass with military precision!!!! Love your pictures and memories it reminded me of St Paul’s in Burlington Iowa!! And I agree it would be perfect rehab for those poor Duggar kids!
Oh Jane! The clickers–go back and take a look at Sr. Mary Isabel–I think she may be holding a clicker. Click-stand, Click-kneel, Click-genuflect! I think we all attended the same Catholic school!! Those Duggar kids NEED that kind of discipline!! LOL!!!
I noticed something in her hand and wondered if it was the “clicker”. We had the same Baltimore Catechism every year the answers got longer and longer … Pacing in the kitchen missing Danny Thomas trying to memorize the answers!! Those were the days!
Hi Jane, I really think it IS a clicker. It was used as a device to have us march up to the classroom after recess–which I believe the photo was taken during! Don’t get me started on missing TV for Catechism homework. The long prayers practically killed me! There goes the milk bottle! LOL! XOXOXO!!!
Agree completely. AND I just watched the HBO documentary Going Clear about Scientology. I’m speechless about that too
Hi Jean. Oh…that Scientology documentary was so incredibly creepy. I, too was left speechless–which is almost impossible to do!!! I’m glad you agree with me!! XOXOXOO!!!
You know, I love those skirts…I still wear them but with motorcycle boots. And I must confess. At lunch I google Duggar News just to see what fresh hell they’ve turned up today…AND IT’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. God. They are my favorite trainwreck.
Hi Anita. I’m 60 and still love plaid shirts. Wait. You ARE talking about the plaid skirts–right? Not the long denim ones????? Oh, please–who doesn’t love to Google Duggar News! It’s the most entertaining and simple minded news on earth! They ARE a trainwreck extraordinaire! XOXOXO!!!
Hey there Catherine- I am indeed talking about the plaid skirts. I have a collection of them. You know there’s a TV producer just banging his head against a wall trying to figure out how to get that mess on ” reality tv”
Whew! I was so nervous thinking that you may have been talking about the denim skirts! The denim skirts my friends and I wore were just so much shorter than those Duggar rags!! BTW–speaking of great reality. Do you watch “Bringing Up Bates”? I’m hooked! Its about yet, another fundie family, but this one is “Fundie Lite”. The parents went to college–and they never mention “Seasons of Life”, or “Juristictions”. The really bothersome thing is that they swim with street clothing on–that is sooooooooo gross! LOL!
The Bates! Ya.I’ve seen it a few times. Right now I’m busted down to watching Pawn Stars. Gypsy Sisters is off now too…sigh…
I love Pawn Stars. Don’t even get me started on the Gypsy ladies. I loved My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding but it hasn’t been on in a while!
Mother Mary’s picture with jesus is so graceful 🙂 <3
I enjoyed reading this humorous piece. Though to be honest I need to be insider to get the full joke. 🙂 You put a lot of effort into every article you do. I am learning from you 🙂
Hi Anand, Oy!Be glad you don’t know the full joke of the Duggar family. All I’ll say is this: Nobody puts my Hipster Jesus in a corner! This family exploits religious ideologies. They take money from people who are uneducated and underemployed and, well, it just isn’t right. People like that need to be exposed–but I try to do that with a sense of humor! Enjoy the beautiful day my son!!! XOXOXO!!!
Thanks for explaining that, Mom. You are doing a great job. I hope you have a great day too 🙂 Anand
Laughter. Rolling on floor. Nun slaps me for laughing and rolling. I wake up. It is not a dream. Nun slaps me. Wham! Thanks for the memories–and please look at some of my past nun/Catholic experiences postings. And God made me…to be happy with Him in this world and in the next. Can’t wait. Slap! “Sorry, Sister.” I was one of those 7th graders. And I am glad to see the girls in the group kiss had both feet on the ground–almost. :o)
LOL! See we all have similar memories and a GREAT sense of humor!!! XOXOXO!!!
Oh my gosh, remind me never to cross you (there I go.. I just said “cross”… sowwy).
Wow, why didn’t I meet you when you were in school?? 😀
(Ok, I guess it is because I wasn’t even born then, but what the heck.. so what? I am older than you… like in the old Russian folk tale Ivan-young-of-years-old-of-wisdom etc.. nah, not really.. just old in the mind, and come to think of it, you are so young too.. shame on me.. )
Fantastic post, loved it.. 🙂 (And do forgive me my flippant remarks, I would hate to be in your firing range hehe).