What a day! I’m at the end of my decade in the ’50’s! In 48 hours I’ll be entering a new decade and new (mis)adventures abound!

Weather-wise, well, three days with beautiful sunshine just had to end. I mean, this is the Northeast! We get rain and humidity and the sun never shines more than three or four days at a time! Today is damp, wet, yuck! Typical April weather! I think it’s funny though. For years, and I mean YEARS, I’ve been begging Bonaparte for a trip to the Brittany area of France.

He gives me the same answer: “Zuh whezahr eez rilly ‘orribllle ehn Breh-tan-eyuh. Eee rins ahl zuh teem”.  (translation: The weather is really horrible in Brittany. It rains all the time.)

Is Bonaparte aware at all of the area in which we live? This makes no sense to me since the past few summers the weekends have been horrific and we haven’t been to the shore that much. I guess it’s a French thing!

By the way, my car is clean! For those of you who may not be aware of my sloppiness with my car read this:  Its a CAR Monsieur Bonaparte. Its a CAR!

I did make a promise to Bonaparte that I will never, ever, EVER, mess my car up again. I’ve turned over a new leaf! (shhhhh. Let’s see how long my promise lasts. I don’t ever break a promise—but sometimes they just fade away…..)

Can you believe just how clean this is? I’m amazed!

Look! I found the rosary beads that Bonaparte hid on me!

Is Chippy bewildered? Or is he thinking of how long the timeframe will be till the mess reappears!

Well, today I just didn’t feel like applying mascara. Nor did I feel like using my lash extension kit. Instead, I decided to go through the many sets of fake lashes that I own and, since I’m a giver, I thought I would give a step-by-step of how a “non-expert” goes through the application process. My process is so wrong on so many levels, but seems to work for me so I thought I would share.

Part of my lash collection!

I love fake lashes. I used to wear them to work when I didn’t feel like putting on eye shadow or a ton of mascara. I love the length that fake lashes give. I love the way they flutter. I think they can make older and more mature eyes look younger (I can dream, can’t I?). In addition, fake lashes bring out my inner drag queen. Seriously. I love drag queens. THEY know more about the beautification of a woman than most of the experts so. Drag Queens are GRAND! I had the pleasure of not only meeting the great Divine many years ago whilst shopping for shoes on 34^th street in Manhattan, but she actually helped me in purchasing a pair. Divine was a really nice person both in and out of drag.

Both in and out of drag, Divine was just such a nice person. I was fortunate enough to have met her outside of her “persona” and had a great pair of shoes to prove it! Look how perfect her eyeliner is!

Look at how pretty and perfect Ru Paul is. I’m jealous!

I wish I could apply my make up as well as drag queens do. We women could learn a few things from these beauties!

 My favorite is Miss Richfield 1981. We could pass for sisters!

Do you see the resemblance between Miss Richfield and me?  I do. We could be sisters! In my ever increasingly delusional universe. Miss Richfield would meet me and we would become best, BEST, friends forever. We would laugh, and cry, and get angry at each other..and it would be like looking in a mirror every time we look at each other!

Anyway, here’s what I do to get those beautiful lashes that I love and that Bonaparte cannot stand. Yes. He hates my fake lashes. He likes me better with a touch of mascara. I say later to that! Read on sista–read on!

Today I’m going to wear Ardel Fashion Lashes Number 106 Black, Natural.

I think I paid something like $2.99 at Wal-Mart for these lashes.

My tweezers are ready for applying and I use toothpicks to apply the glue to the lashes.

Tweezers are great multi-taskers, plucking chin hairs, getting out splinters, and applying fake lashes–who knew–right?  Just be careful with the tooth picks and don’t poke your eye out!

My eyes are really bad—sight wise. So I squeeze a bit of glue onto the base of my makeup mirror. I ALWAYS clean the base of the mirror first, with Windex. I don’t want to get pink-eye!

I clean the base of my mirror with Windex. OMG–I cannot believe it. Look at that hair. See?  I lose my hair all over the place. I’m worse than a shedding dog. Woof.

I take a toothpick and dip the end into the glue, making sure I get enough glue.

Just a bit of glue into the base of my mirror makes things easier for my application process.

Then I run the edge of the glued toothpick onto the inside edge of the lash.

Jesus, Mary, and St. Joseph. Can you believe it?  Another hair! Anyway, I take the lash in the tweezers like so, and….

Apply the glue along the inner edge of the lash with the toothpick. Sorry I wasn’t able to take a better picture. My apologies!

“They” (the experts) say to wait about a minute for the glue to get nice and sticky. Trust me, my process takes longer than a minute so by the time I apply the last, the glue is almost dried!

I raise my chin up, and look down toward the mirror to apply the lash.

Applying the lashes to my natural lash line. Sorry about the roots. It’ll be time to get my hair colored soon.  Damn, I’m a mess!

Done!

I just have to wait for the glue to dry completely before applying eye liner.

I just wait for the glue to dry completely, then run a pencil liner close to the edge then finish with liner.  Look—the liner looks kind of sloppy in close up. But from far away, you can’t tell.

Ohh..the liner is a bit..um..sloppy today, but from a distance….

It looks much better!  See…

Looks decent..right? I took my glasses off for you to get a better look. I’m cross-eyed squared today. I swear I’m seeing triple instead of double!

So that’s how I like to fake it. They look decent. The other thing I like about fake eye lashes is that on a day like today–where I’m not going out and am in super-slob mode; no shaved legs, a swipe of deodorant to keep from stinking up the house, hair up and all ratty because I haven’t washed it in two weeks (tomorrow I’m going to get a wash and blow out-don’t judge), I still feel pretty because the lashes add a bit of “done” to me!

Come now—you know you have days like that!! Admit it!! Get some fake lashes and you’ll feel like a million bucks—albeit a  smelly million bucks, you will still look fabulous!

Oh. And I’m very careful when I take the lashes off, I soak them in warm water that I’ve poured into a small container and let the glue dissipate. Then I gently dry the lashes with a paper towel and place back into the little package they came in. I can get a good 5 days out of one pair of lashes!

Now it is time for me to go and iron clothes. I’ll get into Zen mode and be relaxed for the remainder of the day. Iron on. Iron off!

XOXOXOXO!

Ahh fakeness! Sometimes it’s a good thing—and fakeness always reminds me of the Barbie Girl Song by Aqua!

Enjoy your day!