Hey, I know. Don’t even go there. OK?
Saturday, my son and the girl went to a party. Bonaparte was out at the pool. I, being of sound mind and petrified of more skin cancer—especially from all the sun I acquired in the South of France, opted to spend a relaxing afternoon with our dog Chippy.
It also meant vegging out sprawled out of the sofa, just like the paupered princess that I am, and binging on sleazy reality TV. I watched, for the first time EVER. EVER!! Complete episodes of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.
So I may NOT be a fan, but I was mesmerized by their makeup. Mesmerized!!!
I have to say, I’m not a fan. But, I find them both intriguing and fascinating in a voyeuristic sort of way!
They do not contribute to our intelligence.
They don’t really have anything of interest to say.
The girls actually have mouths more vulgar than mine! For that, I’m jealous!
Anxiety seems to be a large part of their lives. Watching just two episodes and if I had a buck for every time they said the word “Anxiety”, I would have had a nice retirement fund and wouldn’t have to worry about finding a job. You want anxiety Kardashian ladies? I’ll give you anxiety like you’ve never seen before! You cash cows with perfectly applied makeup you!!!
The only thing relatable between me and the Kardashian women are our fat asses!
Honestly, I stopped paying attention to their storylines after the second episode was finished. I HAD to keep watching more because I was enthralled with their spidery lashes, their overly plumped lips, their darkly-lined eyes and their smooth and dewy skin. I want to look like a Kardashian dammit!
I want lashes like that. I want perfect brows and skin….
Now THIS is stellar makeup!
I want to be made up like a Kardashian. I want the lips on my face to be plumped up like those wax Halloween lips.
I want lips waxier and more plump than this!
I want my eyelashes to look like I iced an entire family of spiders!
That’s right. I want the legs on THIS guy turned into eyelashes!
Their faces are illuminated by some sort of magical highlighters. Yes! That would be nice on me. Besides, I’m an angel so I should have an angelic glow anyway!
Why, I’ll bet the shape of their faces is completely different when their makeup comes off—all that contouring. I want a pointed chin. How do I contour and sculpt my face like that? I can look thirty pounds thinner and still be able to eat all I want!
How can I pile on the foundation to cover– Every. Single. Freckle and Imperfection????????
Ouch! It would take more than a village AND an army of make up artists to turn THIS 60-year old visage into a Kardashian Kopy!
Today I’m “Kopying Kardashian”! Yes. I am going to try to apply my makeup so that my skin appears dewy (and not from sweat) and flawless. My brows will be thicker. My eyes will be their smokiest or darkest best. My lashes will be longer due to fakes. I’ll sculpt my face and outline my lips to make them juicy like oversized berries!
I’m hoping this is enough ammunition!
I’ll take a gazillion selfies!
First of all, I couldn’t decide where to start. So I whipped out a sample of Smashbox primer and figured I would just need the entire tube to even out the ripples on my face!
I used more of this to clean off mistakes than to fill in the ripples and ridges in my face. I think I went through half the tube!
Next was my MUFE foundation. Damnit! The Kardashian’s makeup artists always use a sponge to apply the foundation. The only sponge I have is the kitchen sponge. Yuck! I just ended up using my tried and true foundation brush.
Although I use this on a regular basis during the winter, it’s more for lighter coverage. I needed something stronger and pastier!
Those pesky freckles just kept showing through. Make Up Forever HD foundation isn’t so full-coverage. What could I do?
Aha!!! I ended up applying my “It” cosmetics “Bye Bye Undereye”. It’s a paste that you can use to get rid of dark areas under your eyes. I used it on my entire face. Yes. I ended up using this paste as a foundation!
After using this as foundation, there’s hardly anything left!
Ugh! I look like a zombie or a cadaver. Ewwww. Well, I’m a work in progress.
This is not starting out to be pretty at all! WWKKKKKKD? Really! What Would Kris Kourtney Khloe Kim Kendall Kylie Do????? Call Caitlin?
The sculpting attempt was next. Unfortunately, the brown shadow I used and a thicker brush make me look bruised.
I didn’t have contour stuff so I used “Tease” from Urban Decay’s Naked 2 Palette. This shadow “TEASED” me into thinking it could be used as a contour. It can’t!
I looked bruised! Yeezus! It’s sad how bad I look!
Time to wash my face and start from scratch with the primer AND more paste on the face.
I decided to highlight my eyes AND highlight the outline of my lips with my YSL Touché Eclat. This thing is $45.00 so I normally only use it for special occasions. Today is special.
I read that if you line your lips with Touche Éclat they will look bigger. Let’s see!
I also used a lot of this pricey stuff on my eyes! It’s expensive to look Kardashian!
I have the “fancy” Touche Éclat. OK. So it’s a tester and I got it from Bonaparte’s aunt’s maid–she gets this stuff and I paid half price. But, like Kim Kardashian, I got it in Paris!
Next I decided to do the brows. The Kardashian ladies—and Bruce Cait have such perfect brows. I penciled in with my Tarte Amazonian Clay eyeliner pen(cil?) and broke the tip a few times. This stinks!
I didn’t have a brow pencil within reach so I used this liner. I also broke the tip a few times. MORE money down the drain!
Anyway, after finally drawing the brows in to the (un)desired thickness and then going over them with black shadow, I realized that my brows look like they need a bikini wax!!!
OMG. These brows DO need a bikini wax! They look terrible!
Maybe it won’t look so bad after I do the rest of my face!
Eye shadow was next. Thank God, I have the “Naked 2” palette! It’s very Kardashian-friendly with all those “natural” colors! I brushed “Booty call” (I told you this palette is Kardashian-friendly!) below my brows for yet, another highlighted look. Then brushed “Snakebite” and –wait, it’s hard to read the name due to my eyes—even with glasses—the name looks like “Yuk”. LOL—I swear I cannot read it right! Anyway, I brushed both on my lid and in the crease.
OK. The dark shadow (Why am I thinking of the TV show “Dark Shadows” right now?) is actually helping to make those horrific brows look less awful!
Then I went to blend and the fall out was so extreme I had to, once again, wash my face and reapply more of the “It” paste. I almost used the entire small jar. Ugh!
I found some Laura Geller highlighter so I applied it under my brow bone and blended.
I added some more highlighter. Hey, you can never overdo the highlighter, right?
Then I took the black shadow from the “Naked 2” palette and lined the bottom of my eyes with it as well as the top.
The name of this shadow is “Blackout”. I swear I worked so hard at this that I started to get hungry and all I could think was the old school Ebinger’s “Blackout Cake”–a chocolaty delight from my childhood days!
It felt so bizarre because I haven’t lined the bottom of my eyes in years. I look like Rocky Raccoon!
The raccoon eyes aren’t a good match for the overbearing brows. This needs to get better!
Oh…and I had yet MORE shadow fallout. So I had to wipe clean and reapply yet AGAIN! This is getting annoying!
Next I went over the black eyeshadow line on my upper lid with a liquid liner. Once again, I had to stop to reapply because the liquid liner smudged. This is way too much work!
How on earth can liquid liner smudge upwards! It’s liquid! It should be going in a downward direction. More wipes please!
I also tightlined with my Urban Decay pencil in “Perversion”. I was feeling slightly perverted to be putting myself through this!
You have no idea of the “ANXIETY” I was going through. I’m cross-eyed and I saw two pencils instead of one. The challenge was finding the REAL pencil!
I had to stop and re-sharpen the pencil because I had to apply it a few times!
OK…now came the fake lashes. I have quite a few pair of the falsies. Every now and then, I’ll get the urge to have longer and lush lashes, but the ones I have are pretty tame compared to my little Kardashian friends (as if!). I went with the spikiest lashes I had in my stash.
When you want to go “Kardashian”, these lashes aren’t that spikey after all!
It’s been a while since I’ve used falsies so I was a bit out of practice. I put too much glue on one of the lashes and I became overcome with more Kardashian “ANXIETY”.
I almost had a meltdown after this. AND there was still MORE shadow fallout that needed to be cleaned up.
I went downstairs and put some granola and seeds in some milk and ate to sooth my nerves.
Granola, seeds and nonfat milk may not be the healthiest snack, but I need to keep my ass lookin’ Kardashian sized!
OK..so the glue smeared the liner and I had to reline my eye.
Eye re-lined, I am NOT the kind of woman who gives up easily. It was back to the contouring. THIS time around I used my Wet ‘n Wild bronzer and a wide brush and applied like blush. Um..I’m no pro.
Wet ‘n Wild Three Buck Bronzer. NO WAY was I going to waste my good Guerlain Bronzer on this experiment!
It didn’t sculpt. My face just looks dirty. Well at least its an improvement over the first contour attempt. It doesn’t look bruised!
Next was blush time. I don’t know if the Kardashian’s use blush. It seems that they use contour for everything—but I can tell you this much. I like a pinky blush. I think I over did it? I wiped some off.
The mouth was next! I used to wear bright and dark colored lipstick years ago when my lips were as plumped up as if a bee stung me. Then with age my lips, like my hair, got thinner and I got lines and a lighter color is much more attractive. However, I “lined” my mouth with more of the the YSL Touché Eclat and “outlined” with my Lipstick Queen lipstick in “Saint Fire Red”.
My eyes are crossing so badly today–but I DO like the Lipstick Queen “Saint Fire Red”!
See. I “over lined” them. I found that about by watching the Kardashian’s! Ohhh..thank goodness I plucked my chin. The close ups!
It’s a very “Kylie” Jenner!
Hard to believe this is an 18 year old girl. Even harder to believe that me, a 60 year old, is trying to look like this!
Some powder to set, a push up bra, the “other” kind of falsies and huge Khloe hoop earrings and I’m looking feeling “Kinda Kardashian” Whadya think?
Other than the fact I need a more gravity-defying push-up bra, do you think momma Kris and I could be sisters? I can change the spelling of my name to Kathe!
Could Kris Kardashian and I become besties? Could I get a job as a “Kardashian” makeup artist?
Medashian–trying to look sexy in this reclining pose. I look more like I saw the spider who’s legs I cut off to use as lashes came back to haunt me!
In a more at “Homedashian” pose–you know–when the girls are home and supposed to be makeup free! Ouch. I gotta do my roots!
Bonaparte saw these “Kardashian” pics of me. I don’t know whether to scream at him or what. He LIKES the way I look! Actually, he likes the pics. If I went out like this he would be wiping me off with a Kleenex. Well….maybe not!
At least my makeup brushes got cleaned today after the massive amounts of cosmetics I used!
They needed to be cleaned anyway!
Enjoy this Monday. Now that I know what it takes to look like a Kardashian, I cannot keep up with them. It’s too much work. I’ll stick to my more natural look!
I’ll stick to a more natural looking 60!
Happy Monday—Keep the peace and have fun!!! XOXOXOXO!
Do I need makeup? You be the judge—in the meantime, enjoy this ever-so-appropriate video of Amy Schumer and the boy band—”Girl, You Don’t Need Makeup”!
You are amazingly beautiful in your ‘natural’ pic! That whole Kardashian look is too much work and too much product! I know, I tried it myself. Lol!
Lori–right??????? I need a nap after all that work. I’m glad that you like my more natural pic! XOXOXOXO
I agree 100%, the Kardashian’s contribute nothing to our intelligence. They are where they are because “that woman” is nothing more than their pimp (she’s no mother, for sure). They’re all a bunch of whiny cry-babies. So funny how you did the make-up spoof, I would need a shovel to take all that off!
Good luck with the job hunt. Have you tried searching in the literary field? How about writing a funny column for a local newspaper? All they’d have to do is take a look at this blog to see how entertaining your writing style is – it’s honest, refreshing, and has a level of perspective that only comes with age. You can’t beat that.
Margaret. Isn’t it amazing how they became bazillionaires????????? I swear I have a pimple in the making due to all that makeup! Thanks for the good luck. I’m trying to find a local paper that would have me. LOL-The Main Line of Philly is too uptight for my stuff! I’ll have to do some research! Thanks so much for your encouragement, though–you know I appreciate itXOXOXOXOXOXO!
I couldn’t stop laughing. I appreciate how comfortable in your skin you are and are not afraid for all of us to see it! You are beautiful with out all that garb on your face! I loved reading this. You are amazing!
Hi Megan! I’m so glad I gave you a good laugh!! It’s a chore to be pretty! I’m extremely comfy in my skin–I know what a look like at my absolute worst and know what I look like at my best! It’s all good and fun👍 I’m still trying to clean the gunk out of my wrinkles! I hope to keep you laughing in the futureXOXOXO!!
Thank You! And best to you!
After a very long Monday I found your blog and loved it and laughed …. Made my day!!!
Hi Jane! I’m happy to have given you a laugh!! It’s definitely a great day when I’m able to make others laugh!😜XOXOXO!
Oh My Gosh, This is stellar writing and like the other ladies, I was laughing out loud and not much makes me LOL! 🙂 You are so entertaining and awesomesauce (me trying to sound like hip part of the clan)
Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed this! I’m getting ready for my out-and-aboutness today and debating to mini-Kardash my makeup. Wait. It’s so hot and humid that makeup would just melt. I’m not kidding! XOXOXOXOXOXO!
Hilarious for sure. I suffered anxiety just watching. I like you like you. As a a kardashian, you look ready to look for, ahem, any kind of job you could get.
I just happened across your blog because of MUA and I am SO GLAD I did. This was hilarious and just what I needed today! 🙂 I can’t wait to check out the rest of your blog. Your writing reminds me of one of my favorite writers, Nora Ephron. Love it!!!!
Hi Tina! Welcome –I’m so flattered by the Ephron comparison! Thanks! LOL– I think I may be banned from MUA for posting that link to my blog-_they removed it! Oops! Hope to see you here regularly!XOXO!!
This is absolutely hilarious! The Kardashians are so interesting, addicting in a way, but the reasoning behind it doesn’t really make sense because their show offers little for its viewers to gain. I am so glad that I found your blog and can’t wait to read more 🙂
Welcome to my world Briana! I can tell you that I do believe the title of the show is “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” because they are just so high maintenance! Who the hell can keep up with that?? I hope you continue to enjoy the blog!!! XOXOXOXO!
Oh absolutely! There are very few that can live such a lifestyle… but at the same time, with that money also comes anxiety as they frequently refer to 😉 xxx!
You know what! YOU’RE much more approachable!