Pope Francis will be visiting the Washington, DC, New York and Philadelphia areas in just a few days. Holy shit! He’s going to be here tomorrow! It’s really exciting. It’s also too bad that I didn’t get a special invitation to talk with him before his trip. There are a few things I want to warn him about while he’s here.
Francis, you are the cutest Pope ever! And you are just so adorably humble–but I need to clue you in on a few things….
I mean, really, the Pope still stands by Catholic Dogma, which is only fair because he is the leader of the Catholic Church. But, Francis is the most socially progressive Catholic leader we’ve ever had.
For one thing, Francis isn’t a fan of American Capitalism. We know what that means. He’s not a Republican!
Can you just imagine if Pope Francis was American? These two would be bitchin’ and whinin’ about having to pay his Social Security benefits and health care. I sure hope they aren’t planning to “take care” of Francis in any other way!!!
I wanna bake cookies for the Pope and tell him every stinking sin and naughty act I’ve ever committed in my 60 years on earth. Ain’t gonna happen because he would need an extra week just to hear about my “sinful” and “evil” doings! Actually, that’s probably one of the reasons I couldn’t get a ticket to attend a Pope Mass. *sigh* I guess I’ll just have to wait till Christ-Mass to get my Catholic on!
This confessional would need plumbing and beds if I were to confess my naughty acts!
Seriously though, I love our Pope. He walks the walk of what a true “Christian” should be. I mean, he doesn’t even wear the red Papal shoes. He thinks they are too extravagant.
Pope Benedict was a true fashionista of the Vatican, but Francis wants nothing to do with this extravagant footwear.
My friend Satan must be rolling in the hot coals over that one. Why I’ll bet he is just itching to get his hot feet squeezed into those little boats of luxurious Italian leather!
I raise my cup, chalice, wine glass to you, Francis, and give you these tips and warnings so that you can better enjoy your trip to the North East of our United States of America!
- First, you need to apologize to the people in the cities that you are visiting who own cars. Oh. I know full-well that it isn’t your fault. But, in this instance, you need to be the whipping post of the local politicians who are using you as a scapegoat to make a ton of money off of ticketing and towing cars that are parked on the street. The vicious politicians started this “no parking” procedure over a week ago and are raking in those capitalist bucks that you are so against. Honestly, Francis, if you apologize and take the blame, you will not only become a bigger hero, but there is a good chance that even the most anti-religious, anti-Catholic just could convert.
Mayor Nutter USED you as an excuse to collect funds for Philly a week before your visit. That is such a sin!
Look! Discourse was running rampant over the anxiety caused!
- Watch out when you are in DC. Those republicans and conservatives are “fake” Christians. Actually, many of them don’t even like you because you have empathy for so many people—the homeless, the gay community, transgenders, women who have had abortions, people who are divorced. It especially drives them nuts since you said that atheists can be good people! You, my dear Francis (can I call you that?), realize that we are all sinners and none of us is perfect. These bozos think that they are perfect and they are trying to make Jesus work overtime by bringing Him into their mess! Please, I’m begging you, if any of those extreme Tea Party righties offer you a cup of tea, don’t drink it! They will try to poison you.
This bunch thinks they are closer to God than the Pope is . I think they smoke dope!
- If you get hungry for a snack while on the road, go to a Dunkin’ Donuts rather than Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme is out of stock. The company hosted “Pirate Day” recently. Anyone who dressed like a pirate received a dozen free Krispy Kreme donuts. Well, Francis, let me tell you—The Duggar Family, who actually hate and despise Catholics, had 14 family members dress up in pirate costume so they could claim 14 dozen donuts. From adults to infancy, they all dressed up. These are people who refuse to dress up for Halloween because they feel it is paganistic, but yet, they will dress up as a band of raping and pillaging pirates to lay claim to 14 dozen free donuts. Francis—aren’t they committing the deadly sins of gluttony and greed?
I’m sorry but there is just something so wrong with adults dressing up as pirates to get free donuts. Hey Duggars. If you want free food, why not become a Catholic? Then you can go to Communion and receive gluten-free hosts every Sunday!
- Oh. And I think you need to know. This family also travels to El Salvador to convert Roman Catholics over to their funda-mental form of fake Christianity. Trust me, I’m sure the Duggar family squeezed into their *cough* “used” RV and traveled to many more than one Krispy Kreme shop to pillage more donuts. I’m sure there are no more Krispy Kreme’s to be found. Stick with Dunkin’ Donuts. Besides. You can get the little Munchkins and flatten them out to look like Communion Hosts—just in case you run out when you are saying Mass!
If you get hungry on the road, just stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts and grab a box of Munchkins instead. Thank God Dunkin’ didn’t have Pirate Day!
- I think you are ok with non-Christians. They are more tolerant than you think. It’s the evangelicals that you need to watch out for. They believe that Catholics aren’t Christians. Can you process this at all? I mean, you, the Pope, according to the bible-bangin’ fundies, are not Christian! Do me a favor and watch your back!
- Can I do you a kindness and offer you some instruction when driving on the Jersey Turnpike in transit to DC, New York, and Philly? Watch out for Virginia plates. Hands down. Virginia drivers are the worst. They love to drive s-l-o-w while in the left-hand lane. They don’t care if you need to hurry to the stadium for Mass—they will just keep practically idling down the Turnpike. Oh. And beware of Maryland plates too. Bonaparte and I were almost killed twice in one week by Maryland drivers who shot out of nowhere and cut us off. As slow as the Virginia drivers are, the Maryland drivers are arrogant and aggressive. I will definitely be spending a few hours confessing the plethora of words that begin with the letter “f” and end with the letter “k” every time I pass a car with Maryland Plates.
Please print these plates out and use as reference. You do NOT want to be anywhere NEAR cars that adorn either Virginia or Maryland Plates or you will be entering the Gates of Heaven rather than the City of Brotherly Love sooner than you want to.
- You really need to watch out for any car that is going incredibly slow in the center or right-hand lanes too. Really slow with no Virginia plates means that some self-important nincompoop is yapping on the phone. Yeah. On the Turnpike. Have you any idea what it is like to be motoring at 80 MPH when you approach a car that is going 40MPH on the pike? Trust me, I know you are heavenly and are super-close with God, but I don’t think you want to hang with him any time soon. Please take note of any car that is going slowly and drifting from lane to lane at the same time. These road multi-taskers are texting. They are putting everyone on the road at danger but they know they won’t get in trouble because the State Troopers only go after any driver who is speeding. Don’t forget to hang the rosaries from your rear-view mirror. You’ll need them.
It’s gonna be tough–not only are the texters gonna text, but when they get a load of YOUR Pope Mobile, they’ll be taking pictures and selfies all along the Jersey Turnpike. Get your rosary beads out now!
Actually, I think you will be better off just letting Matt O’Donnell from ABC News just row you up (or is it down) the Schuylkill River. Isn’t this picture cute? It’s the artwork of Todd Kimmell and Norwegian Artist Fred Lammers. Tour de Francis. I love it! Don’t you??
- Please put that pexi-glass covering on your Pope Mobile. I realize that you are the people’s Pope and you like to engage, but please. This is America. And lots of white-trash, hillbilly inbred, red necks have guns. Lots of people who are emotionally unstable (which is one reason that I will never, ever want to own a gun) and lots of people with criminal records also own guns. It’s not only how they go shopping for their dinner, but it’s also how they take care of those who don’t agree with them. Just sayin’. This isn’t Europe where people don’t really care about guns. Put the damn top on the Pope Mobile!
Pope Francis. You can get away with no pexi-glass in the Vatican and in Europe. But American is gun-country my man! I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Put the top on!!! Wow! You ARE humble! You aren’t even driving a Mercedes!
- Enjoy. In spite of the sicko fundamentalists, despite the Republicans and conservative righties, and disregarding those who love to bash Catholics, have a great time. A number of Atheists think you are a cool guy. I know Jews who adore you. You are responsible for bringing a number of lapsed Catholics back to the flock. You are a ray of light in our world filled with bigotry and hatred and for that, I love you and just want you to have a safe trip!
So wolf down a Philly cheese steak.
Hint. Go to Geno’s.
When in New York, stop at a cart and savor a Sabrett Hot Dog that has been floating in dirty water for a few hours—they are the best!
And when you order one of these delightful dirty-water dogs, don’t forget to slather it in lots of mustard and sauerkraut. Best. Dogs. Ever!!!! Get a pretzel for dessert!
And realize, that most of the people you will meet here are good and decent people. They work hard and have hope for a better world. Most of us are on your side, buddyroo!
Francis. You will thank me later for this advice!
Today’s song is was written by a Philly boy. Eric Bazilian of The Hooters. Joan Osborne sings “One of Us’. Very appropriate for the visit of Pope Francis. XOXOXOXO!!!