I’m taking a writing challenge. I am taking The Sandbox Writing Challange 6.
What’s Holding You Back? This question IS quite the challenge, but in order for me to be an honest writer, I have to accept it. I need to question why I’m being held back and I need to find the reason for what is holding me back.
You want to really, truthfully, and honestly know what is holding me back?
I am holding myself back.
Yup! That’s right. I am my own worst enemy. Oh…I’ll write my blog posts on a regular basis..and I love writing them. I really do. It gives me a chance to write about what goes on in the gray matter between my ears and underneath my beautifully blown out waves.
I love engaging and having a good time with the friends to like to read my words.
Overall, I’m a happy little thing. I love to laugh. I love to make fun of myself. It’s what I do. But I suffer from anxiety and depression, and aside from those two very intense maladies, I’m happy. Unfortunately the anxiety and depression take over my ability to do things and both these little critters add to the mix of me holding me back!
Oh.Physically, I’m more than capable of doing. That’s not even an issue. It comes down to a matter of being able to bring my mind’s emotions and state to work together with that physical. For example. Today is a lovely day. In my mind, I know that I should be able to go outside and take my dog for a one to two-hour walk. But I can’t. I swear to you, I just cannot do it.
There is something inside me that won’t allow it. That something sometimes won’t allow me to get dressed or even leave the house on any given day.
That something in me says “You have your lady parts exam next month” “What if there is something wrong with you?” “You can’t go out–there may be something wrong’ “You can’t visit your friends. There may be something wrong with you”. “You cannot reorganize the garage because there may be something wrong with you”.
That something will also say to me ” Is that really a headache or a bloodclot or tumor?” “Is that really a stomach ache or do you have pancreatic cancer?” “Do I have a bad thyroid?” “I think I have fibromyalgia.” “Hey, just what IS fibromyalgia anyway?”
If I see a medical commercial first thing in the morning. It affects me to the point I can’t do anything because that particular disease will float around my complete being and, like war, I’m good for absolutely nothing!
I literally had to stop watching the republican debates last week because listening to those idiots got me into a mental frenzy of unreachable limits. It upset me so much that these sick and controlling men and that one wack job of a woman, want to defund Planned Parenthood and they speak of wanting more war and their hatred and bigotry is so evident that I could not sleep for two nights.
I allowed them to get to me. It’s my own doing.
I feel badly for my kids that they have to have a loser for a mother. A loser because I’ve not been a financial success. I’ve not been a professional success. All three of my children have friends who’s mothers are so successful. They are attorneys. They own businesses. They are perfect. I ain’t.
And I have nobody to blame for that but me. I have allowed my laziness and lack of self-confidence to take over my efforts to try to be a professional writer.
Coming to the harsh realization that I have no income scares the shit outta me. Then I fester upon that. Before I know it, I’m worried that I will lose home number two.
I feel like a complete slacker because Bonaparte shouldn’t have the onus of supporting the both of us and it makes me feel like shit. Then I get angry. Angry at myself. …and the cycle continues.
Seriously, if you read this, please don’t be mad at me because this post isn’t humorous. Just realize that sometimes, I’m lazy and I hold myself back. It hasn’t affected my ability to laugh!
I need a huge dose of happiness right now to help me from holding myself back. Oh well, the good thing is that I own what holds me back. I’m not blaming anyone else but me! I point the finger at myself!
In the meantime, here’s one of my favorite movie songs. Shirley Temple. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. “Come and Get Your Happiness”. I think I will replay this a lot today. Then I’ll get my happiness back and I won’t hold myself back! XOXOXOXO!!!