There Is Only One Thing That Holds Me Back…..

I’m taking a writing challenge. I am taking The Sandbox Writing Challange 6.

What’s Holding You Back?   This question IS quite the challenge, but in order for me to be an honest writer, I have to accept it. I need to question why I’m being held back and I need to find the reason for what is holding me back.

You want to really, truthfully, and honestly know what is holding me back?

I am holding myself back.

Yup! That’s right. I am my own worst enemy.  Oh…I’ll write my blog posts on a regular basis..and I love writing them.  I really do. It gives me a chance to write about what goes on in the gray matter between my ears and underneath my beautifully blown out waves.

I love engaging and having a good time with the friends to like to read my words.

Overall, I’m a happy little thing. I love to laugh. I love to make fun of myself. It’s what I do. But I suffer from anxiety and depression, and aside from those two very intense maladies, I’m happy.  Unfortunately the anxiety and depression take over my ability to do things and both these little critters add to the mix of me holding me back!

Oh.Physically, I’m more than capable of doing. That’s not even an issue.  It comes down to a matter of being able to bring my mind’s emotions and state to work together with that physical.  For example. Today is a lovely day.  In my mind, I know that I should be able to go outside and take my dog for a one to two-hour walk. But I can’t. I swear to you, I just cannot do it.

There is something inside me that won’t allow it.  That something sometimes won’t allow me to get dressed or even leave the house on any given day.

That something in me says “You have your lady parts exam next month” “What if there is something wrong with you?” “You can’t go out–there may be something wrong’  “You can’t visit your friends. There may be something wrong with you”.  “You cannot reorganize the garage because there may be something wrong with you”.

That something will also say to me ” Is that really a headache or a bloodclot or tumor?” “Is that really a stomach ache or do you have pancreatic cancer?” “Do I have a bad thyroid?”  “I think I have fibromyalgia.” “Hey, just what IS fibromyalgia anyway?”

If I see a medical commercial first thing in the morning. It affects me to the point I can’t do anything because that particular disease will float around my complete being and, like war, I’m good for absolutely nothing!

I literally had  to stop watching the republican debates last week because listening to those idiots got me into a mental frenzy of unreachable limits.  It upset me so much that these sick and controlling men and that one wack job of a woman, want to defund Planned Parenthood and  they speak of wanting more war and their hatred and bigotry is so evident that I could not sleep for two nights.

I allowed them to get to me. It’s my own doing.

I feel badly for my kids that they have to have a loser for a mother. A loser because I’ve not been a financial success.  I’ve not been a professional success. All three of my children have friends who’s mothers are so successful. They are attorneys. They own businesses. They are perfect. I ain’t.

And I have nobody to blame for that but me. I have allowed my laziness and lack of self-confidence to take over my efforts to try to be a professional writer.

Coming to the harsh realization that I have no income scares the shit outta me.  Then I fester upon that.  Before I know it, I’m worried that I will lose home number two.

I feel like a complete slacker because Bonaparte shouldn’t have the onus of supporting the both of us and it makes me feel like shit. Then I get angry. Angry at myself.  …and the cycle continues.

Seriously, if you read this, please don’t be mad at me because this post isn’t humorous. Just realize that sometimes, I’m lazy and I hold myself back. It hasn’t affected my ability to laugh!

I need a huge dose of happiness right now to help me from holding myself back. Oh well, the good thing is that I own what holds me back. I’m not blaming anyone else but me! I point the finger at myself!

In the meantime, here’s one of my favorite movie songs. Shirley Temple. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. “Come and Get Your Happiness”.  I think I will replay this a lot today. Then I’ll get my happiness back and I won’t hold myself back! XOXOXOXO!!!

About Catherine

Far from perfect, but enjoying life as a non-perfect and flawed individual at 60 years young. I'm still wondering what I'll be when I grow up! The characters in my life's screenplay include my better half. He is a refined Frenchman who grew up in Paris and summered in St. Tropez. I grew up in Long Island and summered in Long Island. I am not refined. My three grown children are also a big part of my life. For their sake, they happily live where their careers have taken them! But I can still mother them from a distance! I write about the mundane. I write about deeply shallow issues. But whatever I write or muse about--it'll always be a bit on the humorous and positive side! It's all good!
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42 Responses to There Is Only One Thing That Holds Me Back…..

  1. spearfruit says:

    I am not mad at you for posting this. I appreciate your honestly and you!
    Sending you hugs! 🙂

    • Catherine says:

      Thanks Spear! I’m glad you aren’t mad! I accept the hugs! You know–sometimes it’s difficult to be completely honest when you write–but then after you do, you feel much better! XOXOXO!!

      • spearfruit says:

        I totally understand! When I first started my blog I was afraid to be completely honest – still being somewhat insecure, I was concerned my fellow bloggers would not like me. LOL, totally not true – there are great people out there. You are one of them! 🙂

      • Catherine says:

        Spear–that’ so funny that you felt the same way–about being liked. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! You “get” it! XOXOXOXO!!!

  2. Tejaswi says:

    Why are you even blaming yourself? It is the world which has turned out to be like this, as if THAT is your fault. You are alright.. and don’t let it get to you. You know what? I am bad at this sort of thing.. I always end up giving the wrong advice.. but hey, anything for you 😀
    You did tell Bonaparte about me, right?? 😀 The one little Indian left on the shelf!! 😀

    Cheer up, you daft little thing…. I adore thee…
    And you are not here to just amuse us, we know you mean a lot more than that to us.. so, if you did not laugh for even a minute, we would worry about you, not about ourselves 🙂
    Darn!! Where are all the funnies when I need them most.. But then, I can’t help it. I am schizophrenic and so am I 😀

  3. I think this was super brave and you deserve high fives, hugs and chocolate cake. Now, I’ve only know you via the internet and only for a week or so but it strikes me that you don’t seem to be a loser at all, quite the opposite in fact. There are plenty more things that matter as much, if not more, than financial success so I really wouldn’t beat yourself up about that.

    On the Planned Parenthood thing, you should check out this post from Sophie Saint Thomas. I thought it was brilliant.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself xxx

  4. Loser wouldn’t be the word to come to mind when I think of you GF! Love your honesty and your sassiness!! Some of what you wrote I can relate to,,had me tearing up…..time for a glass of wine!!! You still Rock in my book!!!!

  5. Oops , a badhairday….
    Sh ……happen .(sometime)

  6. Jean says:

    I would just call you human! And never ever lazy. You put loads of time in your blog and it shows. I am not under estimating the power of the old panic attacks. I suffered from them about 12 years ago. They have subsided to no more than worrying. And that gets old and I just tell myself no more. But I take medication for them. But I worry I’ve taken it so long I’ll become immune. See?

    • Catherine says:

      Jean–you are so right. It DOES get old–those attacks and anxiety. Ugh! They are as old as I am–wait–older! You are lucky that you are able to get meds. I used to take them but now I”m not covered for them so I write and laugh. Laughter sometimes is the best medicine! XOXOXOXO!!!

      • Jean says:

        Oh yes. Laughter is my drug of choice. And yes you’re right about the anxiousness being as old as we are. Actually my doctor said anxiety not new for me, I’ve just lost my coping skills that went with it as I get older. Well that’s just great.

  7. izabolinha says:

    Catherine, I think I really really like you 😉
    Turtle Hugs

  8. Lori says:

    Why on Earth would we be mad at you for being human and expressing your vulnerability? Both are wonderful traits! A loser? You gave birth to and raised three great human beings! That’s about the best accomplishment ever! Right now, go read my favorite quote on success by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I have all over and carry it with me. I see it when I first wake up and when I go to sleep, and it helps me so much when I’m feeling the way you are. Big xoxoxoxoxoxo to you!

  9. June says:

    Clear your head and get those crazy thought out of it…..none of us are pefect..i have days that i think the same things…your blog helps me..and i am sure others too. So, see, you do rock! Thank you.

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you June. The words “…..your blog helps me” jumped out at me. I will continue to write shit that nobody else will come out and talk about but thinks. Only I will continue to do so with humor. YOU, my dear, have just helped ME! For that I am grateful to you! XOXOXOXO!!!

  10. gk says:

    We ALL suffer from moments of insecurity and despair. Go on a news/media fast, take a break from the endless onslaught of messages telling us the world is falling apart, pedophiles lurk around every corner and we should all frolic about like Christie Brinkley. It’s wearing on the soul.

    • Catherine says:

      gk, True dat. Our world, as it gets smaller becomes more infested with man-made poison of the mind. More bullying. More sickos..and through it all, we need to be perfect! Well said, my dear. Thank you! XOXOXOXO

  11. Anand says:

    Not at all. If a mother loves her children and cares for them, she can never be a loser. On the other hand, a woman might have a great career but she may still be a loser if she isn’t attentive to her kids. You are not – even while writing this post, you are thinking about your kids. Could there be a bigger, more complex project than bringing up three kids properly? Yes, an income would be good…but even to take the right steps in that direction, you must feel happy inside. Cheer up. In my books, you are fantastic.

  12. Diane says:

    Thank you for this post. I too suffer from panic attacks. I am a stay at home wife and therefore feel like the house keeping and running of is my job but there are days where I tell my husband sorry, my brain just won’t cooperate. I will get to it tomorrow or maybe after my doctor appointment next week. There are times where I just need to goto the grocery store and I spend the entire day “trying” to go before I break down crying and call him to just grab it on his way home. He doesn’t mind but it feels like failure to me. Fortunately over the past 10 years I have learned to tell myself I will not die or even pass out but I will sweat and be uncomfortable and get it done. It is hard and if it doesn’t happen to you, it is even harder to understand. I’m thankful I have a family and friends that care and understand and try to support me the best they can when I have a bad day which thankfully doesn’t happen as often or as strong as they used to. Thank you for making me feel not so alone.

    • Catherine says:

      Good Morning Diane,
      Wow! Your comment could not have come at a more appropriate time! Bonaparte just left for work. I asked if he could pick up some cous-cous on the way home and he asked me if I could do it. He said I needed to get out of the house. My hand to god on this one–I started crying. Just like you, I broke down. But…I”m going to pick myself up eventually, put some makeup on, get dressed and do it! And you’re right, unless it happens to you, nobody can “get” it. We “Get” each other–and I think that is just so important. We need to reach out and write about it and comment about it because it does give us a sense of comfort to know that we are not alone! Big, huge hug for you! XOXOXOXO!!!

    • Tia says:

      Such an apt description of how the days can go when you have panic attacks. It’s like you were watching me and describing my day. I recently lost a job due to a panic attack (I shouldn’t have and could have fought that, but the stress of the job was kinda causing the panic attacks, so…) Still it leaves me feeling like a failure.

      We are not alone, people with empty-pantry-phobia! Onward!

      • Catherine says:

        Hi Tia. I am so sorry that you lost a job due to a panic attack..and it angers me that an employer would let someone go because of that. I also understand what it is like to be stressed at work. Being in a toxic work environment can affect anyone in so many ways. But you shouldn’t feel like a failure–and I “get” why you do. So it’s good that we can all share our thoughts. I’m also glad you found this post to make you realize that you aren’t alone! Let’s commence–ONWARD it is!! XOXOXO!!!

      • Tia says:

        Thanks, Catherine. You always make me smile. 😀

  13. Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge 6 — What is holding you back? | Impromptu Promptlings

  14. calensariel says:

    You will never know how much I identify with your post… Especially But I suffer from anxiety and depression, and aside from those two very intense maladies, I’m happy. Some people — most people — just don’t get that. I DO. I struggle with that very thing every day. Just want to send you a bunch of good vibes and a hug ’cause I get it all. And by all means, don’t go buy a psychology book to read! I know from experience it will only ADD to your symptoms and concerns! {{{Catherine}}}

    • Catherine says:

      XOXOXO’s back atcha! THAT’s whats so screwed up about emotional illness. You CAN be happy and in pain at the same time! It’s like if we broke our leg and had a cast on and crutches–we’re hurt, but we can still be happy! I’m so glad you “get” THAT!!!! Oh…and a book–NO WAY! I can’t even go on the net to Web MD. If I do, I’m sick for a week. LOL! XOXOXOXO!!!

  15. maidsdayoff says:

    I see you posted this yesterday, so I hope you’re feeling a bit better today. I too have had many of the same feelings over the years and can relate. I won’t tell you to “smile! it’s not so bad!” because I know when you’re feeling this way, you can’t just will yourself out of it.
    I will give you this food for thought though…I try to remind myself that the people I compare myself to (like the mothers of your kids’ friends) may not always be what they seem. They may have their own issues and may be unhappy or feel unfulfilled. They may look at you and envy what you have – a husband who loves you; healthy, well adjusted children; an adorable dog 🙂 ; a great sense of humor; a 100% on your Excel test and that killer wardrobe of yours! 😉
    And think about this – your professional situation is allowing you the free time to pursue your love of writing – something people with busier schedules would give their eye teeth for! I told myself for years that I wanted to write but used the excuse that I didn’t have the time. When they changed my job to part time, I had no more excuses and finally started doing it.
    You’re doing it too – and very well. It’s ok to be down, but when you’re ready, go outside and look around at this big beautiful world. xo

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you for that! Today, I’m ok. I was a bit weepy this morning, but to tell you the truth, after reading these wonderful comments–I realize that we aren’t alone! I”m getting ready to go out for a while, then when I come back, I’ll start to gather thoughts for a post! I feel my sense of humor returning! LOL! XOXOXO!!!

  16. Carrie Rubin says:

    Anxiety can be paralyzing, figuratively and sometimes almost physically, can’t it? The mind is powerful, and sometimes it doesn’t want to let us do what we know we should do. Then we end up stewing in our own self-doubt. It’s a vicious circle for sure.

    Your honesty is refreshing, and I’m sure most people can relate to feeling this way at one time or another. But I doubt your children see you as a loser. We see our parents for the love and support they give us, not for where they spend their days. 🙂

    Thank you for visiting my site. Much appreciated.

  17. Debbie says:

    Gee Cuz. I’m sitting here n can relate to your feelings. I’m feeling the same way. You will pull out of it. Ya got Gorman blood. So many of us Gormans have anxiety. It’s part of our genetic make up. But we are over comers too. Ya gotta hang on and go with the punches. There is a season for everything. Before long u will be running with the crowd. You are an amazing gal!!! I am so astonished at all your talent. You truly amaze me. So one step in front of the other. Go take a step out on your balcony n suck in some fresh air. Breath out the negativity. Do as Sr. Josephine always told me to do when I was worried – squeeze ya pointer finger n thumb together n keep repeating “peace be still”. You got this cuz!!!

    • Catherine says:

      Thanks Deb. I love you. Sometimes I forget that we Gormans are quite the emotional group of peeps! Thanks for making me comfy with myself. BTW. I have to get in touch with Jen Gorman. The possibility of a family partay around Christmas still looms…………………..X”OXOXOXOXOX!!!

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