You know that weird feeling you get of unfamiliarity? It happens a lot when you are going somewhere that you haven’t been to before. And it happens when you follow the directions you got online.
I depend on directions so that I will not be faced with THIS!!
Well. Let. Me. Tell. YOU. I had some morning!
I had to take a drive to LabCorp.
I’m still trying to figure out why I had to drive so far away when there is a Lab Corp location up the road from me!
That’s right. Next week I start a gig as a temp for a larger corporation. I’m incredibly happy to be returning to a professional office environment. Even though the position runs through the beginning of November, it’s great because I’ll be utilizing my skills and I’ll be home for the holidays! I’m also quite excited because working as a temp, for some reason, is making me feel extremely relaxed. Bonaparte is thrilled because I’ll be earning a salary once again!
Anyway, as part of my onboarding, drug testing is required. I’m completely fine with that because I’m a drug-free zone. I received the necessary documentation and in that documentation was the location of the LabCorp office where I had to take the testing.
It was pretty far from my house. I kinda knew where the site was, but I wasn’t sure how to get there from where I live.
So I went on both MapQuest and Google Maps for directions.
Oh–and a word to the wise. If you see “Mapsgalaxy” pop up on your computer. Do NOT click. It’s malware! You’ll thank me later!
Both had me driving through downtown Phoenixville. This was not a good direction selection due to the ridiculous amount of roadwork going on in this area.
Welcome to my world. This is what most of the roads look like where I live!
The main bridge is out. Roads are moving escargot slow. Traffic is constantly backed up.
Five months now. Five. Long. Months.
I had to look up an alternate route and I got it. Printed out the directions, got into the car and began to drive.
When I got to the “Turn right at Route 23” part of the directions, I couldn’t turn right.
I was SUPPOSED to turn right. Who knew about the detour? Not I!
Route 23 was detoured. The road was closed. I had no idea where I was and had no idea where I was going.
My detour led me driving through Valley Forge National Park. At least I knew where the exit was–and it led to a familiar road!
Thank God I gave myself plenty of time. The only thing I could do was to make it to a familiar road pronto. Under normal circumstances, I would have been cursing up a storm so fierce that a boat full of sailors would begin to cry. Instead, I remembered that I was going to channel my inner Pope Francis and be a nice girl. Besides, if the Pope got Boehner to step down, then surely I should be able to curb my gutter mouth!
The printed directions were of no use to me. I ended up on a familiar road and pulled into a parking lot. I decided to go to my iPhone for help. THIS procedure took all of ten of the longest minutes to figure out. I had to figure out how to connect my Bluetooth and then my phone to my car’s audio system.
Then, I had to enter in my ending location. One thing about Google Maps on the iPhone—it’s not simple to enter this information.
After losing my inner Pope Francis, I went through a few naughty words. So then, I went to my prayer app on my phone and said a prayer of forgiveness.
Hey. Don’t judge. I actually have this Catholic app on my phone..and in times of road rage and anger, I use it. It helps! I said don’t judge!
Then I went back to the Google Maps. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why my phone wasn’t talking to me. I went back to the settings. Everything seemed as it should be. Still—no voice. And I had it set to “high” volume!
A sigh of relief because I realized that I had the volume on my phone shut off. I turned it on and when my little phone spoke to me, I achieved a level of comfort.
The rest of the ride went smoothly. I should have listened to my phone from the get-to.
Car pulled into the lot of the LabCorp destination; I kissed my phone and thanked it.
I’ll tell ya, I was so prepared to wait. Even though I had an appointment, I figured since it was Monday, I would be in the waiting room for a while. I had a book to read, the necessary documentation, my huge purse, and my phone.
THIS is how I prepare to wait. Plenty of stuff to keep me occupied!
Thanks to La duchesse d’Erat, my fellow friend and blogger, I also had Polyvore to keep me busy creating all sorts of outfits and ensembles.
Yes. These are but two of my Polyvore outfit creations. Part of the fun is giving the outfits titles! Do you like the detail of my hangover outfit–the bucket?
Yes. Bonaparte will be thrilled to know that “Cookie Jam” is now a game of the past for me. It’s been replaced by Polyvore!
Bye-bye Cookie Jam. I’ve got a new toy!
My wait wasn’t long and the people at LabCorp were just so nice and friendly! I think the Pope had a positive effect on everyone! I would be having a blood test so I wore a loose fitting sweater with sleeves that rolled up easily.
After signing document after document, I had to go to the sink and wash and thoroughly dry my hands. The male technician handed me a plastic bag. In the plastic bag was another little plastic bag and a narrow plastic cup. I was then instructed to leave my belongings with the technician and to go into the bathroom next door.
“You’re not drawing blood?” The look on his face was priceless after I asked this question. (Maybe he thought I must’ve been on drugs to ask such a moronic question!)
He explained that blood isn’t needed to check for drug use. All I had to do was to go into the bathroom and “make” into the plastic cup.
NO WAY, was I going to snap a photo of the real thing. Besides, the technician had custody of my phone!
NOTE: Before I go any further, you need to know that I refer to going Number 1 as “Make”. It is either a Long Island term or it’s the term my mother made us say since we were kids. Either way, mother hated the term “pee”. As such, I think it’s quite vulgar. I use “make” instead!
I’m gonna tell you something. A man definitely designed those plastic “make” cups. Had they been designed by a woman, the cups would have had a wider mouth and would have been easier to aim the product into!
Have you any idea of how hard it is for a cross-eyed woman to “make” into an extremely narrow cup? My body was so contorted from getting my head low enough to see what I was doing that if I bent down any lower, I would have ruined the great blow-out that Adam gave me on Friday! It was nearly impossible to get the aim correctly. Instead, I came out with wet jeans. I felt like Billy Madison.
Take a look at Billy Madison’s jeans. Take a look at his schoolmate’s jeans. Now you know why the technician asked me if everything was OK!
Just how messed up were my jeans? When the technician saw me exit the bathroom, he asked me if everything was OK.
Well, the good thing was that I drank quite a bit of coffee this morning. It’ll also be a ton of fun to be able to wear my office clothes again!
I’m going to play with Polyvore now. In the meantime, here’s a listen to one of my favorite Van Morrison songs. I have it on my phone. And I listened to it on the way back from LabCorp because I knew where I was going!
I also washed my jeans!
What the heck, I washed my entire ensemble! Hmmm..maybe I should Polyvore it?
“Into The Mystic”. Enjoy the day!
You crack me up: I love the bucket addition! Never heard the word ‘make’ before in that context… But glad you’ve got clean jeans now! Good luck with the new job- sounds like an ace development and am very happy for you x
Thanks! I’m looking forward to next week. I’m also looking forward to dried jeans. Oh…I swear “make” is a Long Island thing. It cracks me up too! XOXOXO!!
What do you say for poo?! Xx
Oh…I call it like it is. I just say “shit”! I’m real classy……………
You’ll be proud of me by the way (or at least I think you will).. Posted the most terrifyingly open story so far today. And turns out the blog world is full of amazingly supportive people. Not quite feeling like a ninja but stronger than I thought! X
My little town is blocked by hoards of road cones, men holding signs saying “SLOW” and “STOP” and a red light, stopping traffic that stays red for 30 mins at a time. UGH….I relate very well to this.
And “making” in a cup, “not as easy Madaam Sir Dr. give me a Big Gulp cup and you’ll get your specimen.” Love the post!
Ugh. Megan. It stinks that all the road work all over the United States seems to be done at the same time! Oh. And those guys with the “slow” and “stop” signs. Sometimes I want to accidentally give one of them a love tap! Just kidding. I”m still trying to remain nice! XOXOXO!!
Great about the job! What exactly is polyvore? I’ve seen a blog somehow connected that the whole world loves but me. It sets my nerves so on edge. I try not to go there but sometimes it’s like a train wreck and I do and upset myself! Is it that blog or what is it? The lady on the blog is not your style at all. In spite of her blog title I think she’s frumpy. Oh my. Now that is not pope France’s talk at all is it.
Hi Jean. Here’s the link to Polyvore: http://www.polyvore.com/ It’s really cool and a lot of fun! I think I may know who you are talking about and you are right. Our styles are on the opposite end of the road! Go check our the real polyvore and have fun! XOXOXO!
Catherine, I’m sitting in a doctors office waiting room, and I have to tell you what just happened.. Your having to “make” story made me laugh so hard and out loud that I dropped my phone and it literally bounced and flew across the room – but that’s not the worst ( or funniest part.. except for your story!!) A man was getting called in to see the doctor and tried to avoid stepping on my “newly landed on the floor phone!!” He literally did a dance to keep himself from falling into the arms of the nurse assistant- it was the scariest and funniest sight to see, and the entire waiting room cracked up laughing from it.. once we saw that he was ok of course!! Anyway, I told a couple of people in the office (and most everyone else heard!) about your blog and how entertaining and funny – and informative your blogs were! They all got a laugh and some took down your information from me for their own reading pleasure!! This was the best part of my day so far!! 😱😄 Congrats about the job, and thanks for the deep belly laughs .. and for the series of events that followed!!
Annmarie. You just gave ME a good belly laugh. I can visualize that scene in my head. Even when I’m not around, I can STILL make others clumsy! I’m so glad that I made you laugh. That is what I aim to do! XOXOXO!!
LOL, I need that good laugh today! I live in a large city and worked at a job where I had to drive 40 miles. One morning there was a major accident and we were not moving AT ALL! I had to ‘make’ so bad – thank Pope Francis I had a cup or the highway and everyone around me were going to be my witness to desperation. Thanks, I appreciate your posts – truly I do! 🙂
Spear. And YOUR story reminds me of when my girlfriend Jeanie and I took our kids to the beach for the day. It was a perfect escape from NYC. One of her sons had to go to the bathroom on the way back, and it ended up being a rip-roaring fun time! XOXOXO!!
When you got to ‘go’, you got to ‘go’. Nothings going to stop it!
Thanks for a good laugh! Congratulations on your job 🙂
And oh! those dreadful cups, and when someone tells me I have to go… I totally don’t 😉 Over here we say “xixi” which is kind of child’s talk and totally acceptable 😉
Thanks! Oh…I like that “xixi” term. One of my aunts used the term “sissy”–but that was one of my sister’s nicknames so we stopped using it! XOXOXOXO!!!
Forgot to tell you that we pronounce it “Shh” , so it would sound more like sheeshee 😉
Oh..I like the she sheeshee even more. I just may steal it from you! XOXOXO!!
Congratulations on the job Cathy! I’ve done a lot of temping in my time so if you ever feel the need to have a vent you know where I am!
Thanks Maddy, I will definitely be getting in touch with you with questions! XOXOXO!!
I think I’m getting addicted to your blog. If I don’t get my laugh for the day I don’t sleep well! 😀 I’ve been to Valley Forge National Park. You live around there? I thought it was so beautiful. Took about 800 pictures (120 real ones and many duplicates!).
Cheryl. I live very close by to the Park. It’s massive and you can get completely lost in there if your sense of direction is awful (like mine). You should post some of those VF pics. would love to see them! I’m so glad you are enjoying my blog! XOXOXO!!!
I’ll have to look for them on the PC downstairs. I LOVED the church and was surprised it was being used regularly. Was a bit disappointed that there wasn’t much of historical reference left beyond a few cabins, but the park is so beautiful. And we saw quite a bit of wildlife while we were there.
I thought this will be about but again Catherine! AGAIN! Your humor is just contagious! Like, really!!! 😀
Thanks Rose! I’m glad I gave you a good laugh. I’m hoping my jeans are dry so I can wear them today! LOL! XOXOXO!
HAHAHA! You never fail, CAth! NEVER! 😀
Thanks again for a good post and a great laugh. 🙂 🙂
Kathy, you are quite welcome. I’m glad that I was able to make you laugh! XOXOXOXO!!
I’m glad you made it eventually but still on time. Driving through all that lot must have been a nightmare. That is A LOT of information to take in when you’re driving. I’ve never before seen road signs that needed footnotes and an index.
LOL. Bun–how true. I swear, it is amazing that drivers don’t get pulled over for taking too much time reading those damn road signs! Life was so much easier when I rode the Subway!!!!XOXOXO!
Congrats on the new job! I can sympathize with all the road construction. I live in a city that is now littered with sink holes that are continually under repair.
Thanks! It’s too bad our elitist 1% doesn’t pay more taxes. If they did, then perhaps we would not be faced with sink and pot holes, weakened bridges, and habitually bad roads! It’s amazing! Hmmm. Water was found on Mars–I wonder how the roads are?? XOXOXO!!
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You make me smile. Kudos On the job
Thanks! Yeah, I’m looking forward to it! XOXOXO!!!