Are you dying to find out how my trip to Arkansas went? Well, it was great! But, as usual, I’ve got so much to tell you. Like Julie Andrews sings, “Let’s Start at the Very Beginning”…. Please. Go put the kettle or coffee maker on, grab a cup of warmth, snuggle up and come along with me…
I’m no mountain girl nor am I a singer, but let’s start at the beginning because I have a “Do Re Mi” of a story to tell youse!
After transferring everything from my Longchamp weekender into the carry on suitcase that Bonaparte insisted on buying for me, I started having concerns about it being over packed. I did NOT want my suitcase taken away from me because we all know how territorial I am with my luggage! We will visit this later.
I AM like a territorial pitbull when it comes to my luggage!
True to my personal travel form, the weather sucked as I left for Philadelphia Int’l. The local meteorologists predicted rain, but it wasn’t to start until noon. My flight was at 11:35 AM to Charlotte and from Charlotte, I had a layover until I caught another flight to Arkansas. The meteorologists lied. They are weather challenged because it was raining when I woke up at 6:00AM—OK? It was raining pouring as Bonaparte drove me to the airport and he was thoroughly fascinated by the occurrence of bad weather whenever I travel. Fascinated!
I didn’t tell you that I have this “thing” about arriving at the airport early. It’s an idiosyncrasy of mine. I need time to relax before a flight. A lot of time. I’m always stressed out and anxious and I always expect the worst possible scenarios. We arrived at the airport at 8:30 AM—giving me three hours of angst-ridden bliss before take-off.
Natalie Dee knows me too well. I AM the epitome of her Anxiety Girl!
Bonaparte dropped me off, and wished me a great time as Chippy barked from the back seat of the car. With printed boarding pass in hand, and my little “Silly-Putty” colored carry on suitcase, I made my way up the escalator to the TSA. The boarding pass that I printed on our computer did not “scan” properly. I had to make my way back down the escalator to the check-in kiosk to print additional boarding passes. Luckily I didn’t have to wait.
I waited for hours on end for the “notification” from American Airlines that I could print my boarding pass. Unfortunately, my computer thought otherwise. This was an unscannable pass!
I don’t understand why the kiosk has to ask whether or not I want to upgrade, change my seat or purchase food. All I freakin’ want to do is print my damn boarding pass. So after about five minutes of questioning from a machine, not only did I receive my boarding passes, but I also received two additional boarding passes. One to send me to Arizona and one to send me out to LA.
I guess the kiosk was just lonely and was glad I was there so it could ask me a million questions. I’m so anti-machineable.
I’ll tell you this much—American Airlines hires staff with exceptional hearing. After my initial “What the fuck is this??” spoken at a rather loud caliber, an agent rushed over to see what the issue was. I explained that her airline company was graciously gifting me with two additional boarding passes. She thanked me profusely as she grabbed the wrong boarding passes from my hands I kindly handed the incorrect passes over to her and I said “Aren’t you glad I have a loud mouth?” She did not answer me.
Back up to TSA and this time I was allowed to cut the line to the front! I love that because it pisses other people standing in line off so much! Its winter and this process took forever. Coat. Blazer. Scarf. Boots. Purse. Suitcase. Phone. Watch. I explained that if my cheap J. Crew jewelry beeped, one of the TSA people would have to undo the clasp because my fake nails would make it impossible for me to do so. Nothing beeped. I’m sure the beeper was purposely turned off after I made that comment .
Anyway, as I walked toward the gate I was getting a bit hungry. I looked around me at the choices and none of the food was Paleo-friendly. I had to opt for the next best thing. I spotted a little stand and in that stand was a variety of dried fruits and nuts. Dried fruit has a ton of added sugar. Nuts have a ton of fat—but the fat is really healthy. I felt like a complete moron as I “shelled” over ten bucks for a 4 ounce bag of candied pecans. Yeah. Not only a ton of fat, but also added sugar. Not to mention that the small bag held 4 one-ounce servings at 175 calories per. This is not helping me on my weight loss journey.
Note to self: Form hereonin, make little snack packs of nuts to bring to the airport.
Did you know that Philadelphia International has a minimal amount of chargers for your phone? I’m OCD about my phone’s battery life. Even if I don’t use the phone. I need the comfort of knowing that I’m next to an outlet. Besides, I’m addicted to Candy Crush. I ended up writing as I waited for boarding. I’m working on a book—another one of my delusions.
I wanted to write on the plane too–but the ride was so bumpy that it was impossible!
The rain was still coming down at a steady stream, but the stream was now becoming aggressive.
It would help if Philadelphia Int’l. hired an electrician to install outlets to plug your phone or tablet into. I’m very self-important and need to be able to plug my phone in–what if that ONE friend I have tries to call me?
I prayed that the plane would be on time. And it was! Poor Hipster Jesus. I need to start thanking him for constantly bugging him with prayers for shit that I want.
Now I’m not fond of flying. I’m not super-anxious about it either because I realize that flying is the fastest way to travel and my impatience trumps my anxiety. But still—my nerves do get a bit flustered as the aircraft makes the ascent. The pilot announced that it may be a bit of a bumpy ride. This ride was so bumpy that my lady parts spoke to me. What they said wasn’t exactly printable either.
That’s right. The ride was SO bumpy that I had what SHE had!
The four serving bag of nuts that I finished off before boarding the plane almost came up. I was almost looking forward to it because I figured I could get two meals out of that measly bag therefore justifying the money spent! Also—due to the turbulence, no beverages were distributed during this flight.
I will take a moment to say, though, that American Airlines does get kudos from me for their stance on hiring older people. Many of the attendants were older and quite a number were in the “over-50” category. Ageism is not a part of this airlines company. I thank American for that. I guess the rest of the country wants to keep old people out of the earthly workforce and American Airlines is complying by keeping my peer group off the earth and into the sky!
Needless to say, we landed in Charlotte on time. After landing, let’s say it could have been worse.
As beautiful and homey as Charlotte airport is, with the over sized rocking chairs to make one feel you are on granny’s front porch, the trek to my next flight—the one to Bentonville, seemed to take forever.
This was a first for me–to see rocking chairs at an airport. I would rather see outlets to plug my phone into!
First of all, after not having anything to drink on the plane, and the effect of those expensive nuts I ate, my mouth was parched. But it was that kind of parched that makes you feel slightly weak and woozy as you are walking. And walking. And walking through a large maze that literally leads from one end of the massive airport to the opposite end. I felt like I was going to get sick. But the thought of spending five bucks for a bottle of water made me feel worse. I went to the ladies room, scooped up water from the wash basin and drank it. Hey. Don’t Judge!
I glanced at the “departures” screen and noticed many “cancelled” flights. The weather really was horrific and stormy. My flight to Bentonville was nowhere on the screen. I was becoming slightly panicky.
One of the reasons I continue to despise not flying direct, but sometimes you just cannot help it!
I walked up to one of the nearest gates and asked the customer rep if she could help me in finding my flight’s gate. Another long walk of shameless exercise. I sat down next to an outlet, plugged my phone in and went to town playing Candy Crush.
More and more flights were cancelled. As I looked out the window onto the tarmac, I could see more than puddles. I could have gone swimming. My flight was going to be delayed by an hour. . Trust me; I didn’t give two shits that it was delayed because I was simply thrilled it wasn’t cancelled. An hour’s delay was almost like an early flight—the weather was that bad. I had visions of Oona being so distraught when she found out about the delay. I texted her. Her reaction was simple “Fine. I’ll be at Happy Hour with my co-workers a bit longer then”.
This–and puddles so deep and wide you could have gone swimming was what the outside of the airport looked like!
As we boarded the plane, my angst started to surface. As I entered, the flight attendant told me I needed to take my suitcase to the “valet” to have it checked in. He saw the fright in my face and he took care of this for me. I couldn’t let go of my suitcase and we had a little bit of a wrist wrestle.
I lost.
If you are a friend of mine and read this blog you are well-aware of my attachment to my luggage. The thought of this suitcase being taken away from me had naughty thoughts about Bonaparte’s clever idea to purchase this little piece of luggage swimming around in my gutter-language brain. I must have come off as the biggest and most pompous bitch as I asked “You mean I have to pick my little suitcase up at baggage claim?”
Obviously this man didn’t know how truly kind and sweet and genuine and saintly I really am—and I felt awful about saying that to him!
But those thoughts were erased as I saw the size—or rather, sizeless of this aircraft! My hips were wider than the width of the aisle. I sat down and as we took off, I said THREE “Acts of Contrition” and a Rosary. This flight was even more bumpy than the first one. I swear to you for a moment there my naturally crossed eyes straightened out!
I really could feel those expensive nuts making their way back up –especially when I saw the inside of this plane! And I was going to be flying in THIS in bad weather!
But in the end—it all worked out fine. We landed safely. I got my little suitcase from baggage claim in a matter of minutes and Oona and I drove out into the barren landscape of the evening to her apartment and started a great few days.
I’ll tell ya’alls—or is it y’alls—or is it yawls- or y’all alls? I definitely know that in Arkansas it isn’t “youse guys” and I want to blend!
I would have to change “youse” to “y’alls”. I think!
Until tomorrow—here’s Steve Miller with one of my favorite travel tunes!
I hate bumpy rides. Just hate them! You were very brave to face them on your own. I would have been terrified.
Trust me, I WAS terrified! And it sucked because I had nobody to make me feel better. Bonaparte always makes me feel safe when flying. And if I’m flying with the kids or my siblings, we usually end up laughing over something completely unrelated. Im glad that we landed safely! Oh…I’m NOW stressing because Bonaparte booked us on that new Air France plane with two levels. I’ll be drinking the entire way from JFK to France!
You mean the A380? That plane is a blast. We were on it to San Francisco over a year ago. We were upstairs on premium tickets and it was amazing. So quiet and you don’t feel anything. You don’t even realise you’re on a plane. Best ride ever.
YES! That’s the one! I’m really stressed about the bigness of it! And we’re sitting on the top level. I’m glad that you are telling me it was a great ride. Thank you!!! XXOXOXO!
Miss Catherine, I noticed your comment on Fifty Not Frumpy and jumped over here. What a wonderful post, but also a huge thank you for your hilarious down-to-earth personality. I laughed out loud reading your posts. You have a new follower. Blessings!
Thank you Elisabetta! I am glad that you are now one of my friends–welcome to the neighborhood! You will have lots of laughs and some tears too! I’m so happy you’ve become a part of the family! XOXOXO!
Thank you for another great post! I have to say, you gave me a whole ‘nother view about turbulence! I usually grit my teeth and try to not panic so much! lol
Hi Carol. Hehehehe! Well, you just gotta make the best of the situation when it comes to those bumpy rides!! XOXOXOXO!!!
I’ll never look at turbulence the same way again!
Philly is my layover on my way up to see the kids, and of course flying home. I pretty much always have at least a 2 hour layover,,and thankfully I don’t have to leave the terminal….and I have my outlets staked out so I can plug in!!! 😄
LOL. Linda–you wanna tell me just WHERE those outlets are? ‘Cause I can tell you Terminals A and C are sorely lacking! And don’t buy the nuts–they are way too pricey! XOXOXO!
I fly in and stay in Terminal F…there aren’t many,,,but I’m usually pretty lucky and can plug-in!! I usually pack a granola bars or my own trail mix. Then I ‘splurge’ on a coffee and banana while I’m waiting….
May have been a bumpy plane trip – but you did make it – and I know you were happy about that. Look forward to hearing more about your trip – thanks Catherine. 🙂
Hi Terry. It’s weird that I know your name now. I may keep calling you Spear but I’m anticipating your feet! I’ll definitely be posting some fun on the trip tomorrow! XOXOXO!
I look forward to reading more about your trip – I bet you had a wonderful time! 🙂
‘This ride was so bumpy that my lady parts spoke to me.’ Holy Crap, that made me burst out laughing!
As usual, another great post. Glad all went well and that you had a wonderful visit with Oona
LOL..Yeah, Bonaparte will not be laughing when he reads that! He’ll tell me I’m “nit ledy-lek”! But he should be used to that by now! Hehehehe!
Oh Catherine – I so hate flying. It’s actually good to hear an American say they get nervous as I just think all Americans fly everywhere all the time. Looking forward to hearing more about your trip xxx
Hi Penny. I prefer International flights to domestic. The domestic flights are always so crowded and people do awful things like take their shoes and socks off. I don’t want to see anyone’s ugly feet near me! I think we may fly a lot because our country is rather large and it is easier to fly somewhere than to drive! But domestic flights have become like cattle cars and the price point is expensive. I’m working on my next Arkansas post right now! XOXOXO!
Yes, I mean you could just about drive from the bottom of England to the top in just one day and I mean in the daylight – approximately 6 hours. And most people would do that by train
anyway. I remember going on a sort-of domestic flight in the States (Puerto Rica to Miami and being absolutely gob-smacked at what people took as ‘hand luggage’ – big suitcases, big cardboard boxes tied up with string, seriously! Before 9/11 though. We then went by train from Miami to Philly – that was a big adventure!!!!
Exactly. Here in the States, it can take over a day to get from–NY to Florida by car. Flying is easier–but I’ve heard many complaints about the cost recently. Fuel prices have gone way down and airlines don’t lower the price point!!! Don’t even get me started on the stuff that people sneak in as “hand luggage” it is so disgusting!!! XOXOXO!
Oh no! I thought you would be forever the “not without my carry-on” lady after the last “carry-on episode” . And that is a smallish airplane ! not very pleasant with turbulent weather 🙁
Looking forward to your next adventures with Oona 🙂
Turtle Hugs
Oh Turtle. I was in a state of shock that my little carry-on was taken away, I’m surprised it even fit in the baggage area of that SMALL plane. Geez!!!! XOXOXO!
😉
Ah! so you don’t know ? they hang the bags outside 😀
I’ve started reading (stalking) you after enjoying your comments on thatsnotmyage, I am glad you have arrived safely – have a fantastic time with your daughter. I am off on a much shorter trip later this month to visit MY daughter (Glasgow to Durham Uni via train), come visit the UK some time – Scotland and the north of England are rather fabulous.
Hi Juliet! Stalk away–LOL. Oh. I would LOVE to visit the UK. I’ve been to Belfast with Oona when she competed in the All Irelands for Irish Dance. And I have family in the South of Ireland. It’s beautiful. However, I am dying to visit Scotland, England and Wales! Actually Oona and I were discussing that over the weekend–how we need to take a mother/daughter trip one of these years and would love a UK trip! Have a great, great time with your daughter! XOXOXO!
This is my life when I travel- if something can go wrong, it will for me. As for the turbulence, I am completely with you!!! You never want to hear a flight attendant say, “This is the worst flight I’ve been on in 22 years”. Yikes. The people sitting around me always mock my white knuckle grip on the armrests, but maaaaybe if they had shared my experiences with turbulence, they wouldn’t be mocking me… GREAT post!!! 🙂
LOL…I forgot to add another incident to the post. The hook and eye on my Pixie PanT (you gotta love J. Crew) broke when I went to the ladies room. That meant having to rush around the airportS holding my panT up!!! To make matters worse, I tried to sew another clasp onto the PANT when I arrived at Oona’s and I did it backwards. The PanT is now at the tailor! Yup! Something always goes wrong!! XOXOXO!
I can’t remember laughing so much before turning off my bedside light – I read this in bed last night and my husband said he had to read it too as he needed to find out what was so funny! I’m like you, Catherine, have to get to the airport very early and start panicking if my phone isn’t fully charged. I am so looking forward to reading about the rest of your trip!
Hi Judy, I’m working on the rest of my visit today! Let me tell you, I’m so happy that I am not alone in my quest to arrive early for a flight AND have to be near an outlet! Do we need a support group? XOXOXO!
Yes, we do! We could wear badges and hug each other as we fly round the world!
I am now off to read the second part of the account of your trip – my husband is out and it’s not bedtime so he will not be disturbed!
Another great post I can identify with. I’m a nervous flyer – to say the least – and the smaller the plane the greater my fear! We were lucky enough to have a winter break in the sun & flew back from Gran Canaria to London last week. Our return flight was delayed because of strong winds ( the very word wind & flight send me into a panic) and we landed in Storm Imogen?! Did you know we’ve started naming our storms in the UK?! Hilarious… However, the flight & landing weren’t in the slightest bit funny, especially as I’ve never liked roller coasters!! Suffice it to say we did land safely. However, my oldest son (aged 24) did remark, on seeing the pilot: ‘How come someone aged 16 is flying this plane?’ Well, he only looked 12 to me… That’s Sleazy (Easy) Jet for you. Only joking! My best flight ever was Virgin, London to San Fransico & that was on a massive plane. Sorry for such a long comment! June
Fancyingfrance.wordpress.com
Hi June. Oh the naming of storms is so popular here in the States. And due to gender equality the storms have male and female names. I would love to see storm names like “Bitch Of A”.. and “This is a Shitty”….followed by Storm! But the wind–definitely a four-letter word when flying. I swear my worst flight was on Southwest when the landing gear failed. YES! And it was the most horrific experience and the idiots at Southwest were horrible and did nothing to compensate except hand out 50.00 vouchers. I told them to take their voucher and shove it where the sun don’t shine! I’m glad you landed safely! XXOXOXOXO!!
I glad you got to Oona’s place in the end. I read the post thinking, “Is she going to make it? Is she going to make it?”
Hi Bun. I’m adding the finishing touches to my fun trip! Been thinkin’ about ya! Hope you are doing well XOXOXO!
Thanks, Catherine. I’m doing pretty well apart from pulling a muscle in my calf last night when trying to run across a busy road before the signal changed. Never mind, though. I’ve still get another leg. 🙂
I’m jumping up and down and doing a happy dance here! You’re writing a book!!! AWESOME!!! 😀
Yes Lady Calen–I’ve got about fifteen pages into it. We’ll see what happens….XOXXOXO!
😀 😀 😀
Now dearie… I KNOW all about your luggage attachments m’kay? XD Love this post! Had me dying of laughter! And, as someone who uses it often, it’s “y’all.” No need for the “s” OK? Um, but seriously… that guy had no idea the niceness you were packing! Too bad he took it away with that suitcase XD
Thanks for sharing Catherine! 🙂
Hi Pineapple! XOXOXOXOXO!!!
😘😘