In another month I’ll be 61 years old. Not that I’m freaking out or anything—but the fine lines on my face are forming into bona fide wrinkles OK? This doesn’t make me too happy because, delusionally, I want to remain forever young. If not in body, then in face—I don’t ask for much.
The experts say that hydration is good for aging skin. I’m drinking so much water that I just may be able to find a new career as a human fire hydrant. I’m surprised that the dogs in the neighborhood don’t raise their hind legs on my feet when they walk past me!
I’m not going to be wearing red shoes any time soon!
Drinking a ton of water is supposed to be good for my skin. My skin is still as dry as the Sahara desert. I find that the only thing drinking all that water is good for is to keep the plumbing in our home in working order.
Besides, when I take photos for narcissistic selfies the blog, I want to look a bit…less wrinkled and more dewy and luminescent.
Yeah. That’s right baby. Pucker up for the camera. Put those lip lines to good use!
I visited my only friend Google. Google knows what I want. And I did more research on “Beauty for women over 50+”. As usual, there isn’t much out there but I did find out about a process called “Baking” or “Cooking”. Oh this is GOOD!!
Baking—or cooking, is a process that drag queens have used for years to set their highlights and concealers. This process allows for a doll-like finish and is supposed to ensure that you look great in photographs. Personally, 99 percent of drag queens are much prettier than I am; so if this procedure makes me as pretty as Pandora Boxx or my beloved twin, Miss Richfield 1981, then I’m in a good place! Besides, I’ve always been jealous of the perfection that drag queens have in makeup application. Maybe I can look as good as my beauty icons!!
Look how pretty Pandora Boxx is. Her makeup is perfect. I. Want. My. Makeup. To. Be. As. Smooth. As. Pandora Boxx!
And look at my adorable twin. Miss Richfield 1981. Christ–her legs are so much better than mine! Look at how matte and gorgeous her skin is. Look at her beautiful lipstick. Her eyeliner is perfection. Her big hair is just so heavenly! I want to be besties with her!
In addition, this cooking and baking business is right up my alley! I’m always in the kitchen whipping up great dishes and elaborate meals. So why not cook and bake my face while I’m at it?
Look! I can whip up a batch of…FACE!!!!!
The other advantage is that I’m on a permanent a diet so this will give me the opportunity to bake and cook without caloric or fat intake! How good is that??
I followed YouTube instruction from Nisha of “Sugar Puff and Fluff”. I also realized that Nisha’s idea of “mature” was just a tad different than MY idea of mature. About 20 years different.
I would say Nisha is a good 20 years less “mature” than I am!
Regardless, I decided to try baking—or cooking my face yesterday morning. I was so excited about doing this that I forgot to apply primer. That was a huge mistake. Now you have an idea of where this went. OK?
I applied my moisturizer and ended up going full on with everything else. I had my blender sponges and brushes at the ready.
I loaded up on concealer.
I think I went through half of this jar of concealer in order to bake. I can also see wrinkles coming to the surface. Hi God. Why is it called concealer if my wrinkles are worse than ever?
Oops! I needed to find powder. I had to rifle through the bowels of beauty products that I don’t use anymore. I found powder.
I kid you not. I found this powder at the bottom of my very old makeup case. Its the place where unused beauty products go–kind of like a cosmetics purgatory! Look how dusty the powder is–isn’t powder supposed to be dusty anyway?
According to instruction, ingredients foundation is applied before the big deposit of concealer and the heavy load of powder. I think.
It was very daunting for me because the only way my face will look unblemished and smooth as a baby’s butt is if I win the lottery, check myself into New York’s Hospital of Special Surgery and have my face lifted by the most qualified plastic surgeon on this planet.
But I digress. I smoothed on my foundation and buffed.
I loaded up on more concealer, highlight and contour. All were blended with my Real Techniques beauty sponge.
I worked the creamy products in and layered a ton of powder over them.
Eh. I wasn’t looking that great.
Look at this! Can you believe it? Forget baking–I need to IRON my face smooth! Hmmm. I DO have a steam iron……
Here’s where the cook/bake comes in. While the powder is lying atop the concealer, you let it “set” anywhere from five to thirty minutes. (Different experts vary the time).
It has also been strongly suggested that while the makeup is setting—or “cooking” to apply all eye makeup. I did my eyes and did them in a very neutral palette. I also used fiber mascara because any product that would fall would be brushed off then blended.
After about 20 minutes I brushed the powder off. I looked like shit.
THIS is what baking did to my face! I never even REALIZED I had THAT many wrinkles. Maybe Bonaparte will feel sorry for me after he reads this and gets me juiced up with Botox for my birthday! Ladies! This is harsh lighting–but it’s reality!
See. Even Pandora is shocked. Maybe she’ll take pity on me and come to my house to bake me. I’ll bet she’s a better baker than I am!
I had white spots all over. Instead of washing all these layers of makeup off my face, I took the lazy way out and buffed.
I buffed so hard that I now have well-defined muscles in my right arm! I have a nice Simonized glow to my upper cheek!
It didn’t look that bad from about 100, 200 300 feet away; but I certainly was not as beautiful as my beloved Pandora Boxx or Miss Richfield! My skin was super dry and my wrinkles were so deep that they resembled ravines. I swear to god my face looked like the Grand Canyon! FML.
This may LOOK like the Grand Canyon but in reality it is a microscopic photo of my wrinkly face!
Did I mention that I also watched a vlog by Wayne Goss? I love his tutorials but I think I missed the part where he happened to mention that if you are of a “certain” age and have dry skin and wrinkles, you might not want to try this. Uh. I don’t wanna talk about it.
Wayne is more of a cook than a baker. I really should have listened to him! He’s one of my faves!
And that was it. I overbaked and overcooked. I got burned and ruined the recipe!
After the final buffing. The lighting in the room was too kind–trust me. At the end of the day I almost needed a pick to take all this crap off my face! I was beyond “well done”!
Earlier today I ran a few errands. Because I’m so kind and such a giver, I applied a bit of makeup to my face. I didn’t want to scare the masses. However, my lighter makeup application looked much, much better. The wrinkles? Yeah. They’re still there but don’t look as deep because I decided to skip cooking and baking.
Today. Less makeup. I’m like a Jello No-Bake Cheesecake. I didn’t powder or conceal or buff. If I’m gonna have wrinkles let them look more natural!
My recipe may have failed but the good thing is that I learned to leave well enough alone. I accept my fine-lines-morphing-into-wrinkles because they are a part of me. And knowing this makes me want to pat myself on the back in self adoration for realizing that I’m becoming wiser through my mistakes. Mistakes are nothing more than a learning experience!
I also learned that I needed a stronger moisturizer!
I’m hoping that this moisturizer and water work wonders! This is loaded with sunscreen and that’s a good thing!
I don’t think I do want to be forever young after all! But I’ll let Rod Stewart explain it! XOXOXO