I Cooked and Baked My Face And The Recipe Failed–F.M.L.!

In another month I’ll be 61 years old. Not that I’m freaking out or anything—but the fine lines on my face are forming into bona fide wrinkles OK?  This doesn’t make me too happy because, delusionally, I want to remain forever young. If not in body, then in face—I don’t ask for much.

The experts say that hydration is good for aging skin. I’m drinking so much water that I just may be able to find a new career as a human fire hydrant.  I’m surprised that the dogs in the neighborhood don’t raise their hind legs on my feet when they walk past me!

6488572-A-dog-pees-on-a-fire-hydrant-in-a-park-Stock-Photo-dog

I’m not going to be wearing red shoes any time soon!

Drinking a ton of water is supposed to be good for my skin.  My skin is still as dry as the Sahara desert. I find that the only thing drinking all that water is good for is to keep the plumbing in our home in working order.

Besides, when I take photos for narcissistic selfies the blog, I want to look a bit…less wrinkled and more dewy and luminescent.

Me in the mirror

Yeah. That’s right baby. Pucker up for the camera. Put those lip lines to good use!

I visited my only friend Google. Google knows what I want.  And I did more research on “Beauty for women over 50+”. As usual, there isn’t much out there but I did find out about a process called “Baking” or “Cooking”. Oh this is GOOD!!

Baking—or cooking, is a process that drag queens have used for years to set their highlights and concealers.  This process allows for a doll-like finish and is supposed to ensure that you look great in photographs. Personally, 99 percent of drag queens are much prettier than I am; so if this procedure makes me as pretty as Pandora Boxx or my beloved twin, Miss Richfield 1981, then I’m in a good place! Besides, I’ve always been jealous of the perfection that drag queens have in makeup application.  Maybe I can look as good as my beauty icons!!

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Look how pretty Pandora Boxx is.  Her makeup is perfect. I. Want. My. Makeup. To. Be. As. Smooth. As. Pandora Boxx!

Miss Richfield

And look at my adorable twin. Miss Richfield 1981. Christ–her legs are so much better than mine! Look at how matte and gorgeous her skin is. Look at her beautiful lipstick. Her eyeliner is perfection. Her big hair is just so heavenly!  I want to be besties with her!

In addition, this cooking and baking business is right up my alley!  I’m always in the kitchen whipping up great dishes and elaborate meals. So why not cook and bake my face while I’m at it?

Yolks and cream cheese

Look! I can whip up a batch of…FACE!!!!!

The other advantage is that I’m on a permanent a diet so this will give me the opportunity to bake and cook without caloric or fat intake! How good is that??

 I followed YouTube instruction from Nisha of “Sugar Puff and Fluff”.  I also realized that Nisha’s idea of “mature” was just a tad different than MY idea of mature. About 20 years different.

I would say Nisha is a good 20 years less “mature” than I am!

Regardless, I decided to try baking—or cooking my face yesterday morning.  I was so excited about doing this that I forgot to apply primer. That was a huge mistake. Now you have an idea of where this went. OK?

I applied my moisturizer and ended up going full on with everything else. I had my blender sponges and brushes at the ready.

I loaded up on concealer.

Bye bye undereye trio

I think I went through half of this jar of concealer in order to bake.  I can also see wrinkles coming to the surface.  Hi God. Why is it called concealer if my wrinkles are worse than ever?

Oops! I needed to find powder. I had to rifle through the bowels of beauty products that I don’t use anymore. I found powder.

Elf in the bowels

I kid you not. I found this powder at the bottom of my very old makeup case. Its the place where unused beauty products go–kind of like a cosmetics purgatory! Look how dusty the powder is–isn’t powder supposed to be dusty anyway?

According to instruction, ingredients foundation is applied before the big deposit of concealer and the heavy load of powder. I think.

It was very daunting for me because the only way my face will look unblemished and smooth as a baby’s butt is if I win the lottery, check myself into New York’s Hospital of Special Surgery and have my face lifted by the most qualified plastic surgeon on this planet.

But I digress.  I smoothed on my foundation and buffed.

I loaded up on more concealer, highlight and contour.  All were blended with my Real Techniques beauty sponge.

I worked the creamy products in and layered a ton of powder over them.

Eh. I wasn’t looking that great.

With all the crap on my face. Look. At. Those Wrinkles.

Look at this! Can you believe it? Forget baking–I need to IRON my face smooth! Hmmm. I DO have a steam iron……

Here’s where the cook/bake comes in. While the powder is lying atop the concealer, you let it “set” anywhere from five to thirty minutes. (Different experts vary the time).

It has also been strongly suggested that while the makeup is setting—or “cooking” to apply all eye makeup. I did my eyes and did them in a very neutral palette.  I also used fiber mascara because any product that would fall would be brushed off then blended.

After about 20 minutes I brushed the powder off. I looked like shit.

Me baked and wrinkly

THIS is what baking did to my face! I never even REALIZED I had THAT many wrinkles.  Maybe Bonaparte will feel sorry for me after he reads this and gets me juiced up with Botox for my birthday!  Ladies! This is harsh lighting–but it’s reality!

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See. Even Pandora is shocked.  Maybe she’ll take pity on me and come to my house to bake me. I’ll bet she’s a better baker than I am!

I had white spots all over. Instead of washing all these layers of makeup off my face, I took the lazy way out and buffed.

dusted off ready to buff

I buffed so hard that I now have well-defined muscles in my right arm! I have a nice Simonized glow to my upper cheek!

It didn’t look that bad from about 100, 200 300 feet away; but I certainly was not as beautiful as my beloved Pandora Boxx or Miss Richfield!  My skin was super dry and my wrinkles were so deep that they resembled ravines. I swear to god my face looked like the Grand Canyon!  FML.

My dry ravine filled face close up.

This may LOOK like the Grand Canyon but in reality it is a microscopic photo of my wrinkly face!

Did I mention that I also watched a vlog by Wayne Goss?  I love his tutorials but I think I missed the part where he happened to mention that if you are of a “certain” age and have dry skin and wrinkles, you might not want to try this.  Uh. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Wayne is more of a cook than a baker. I really should have listened to him! He’s one of my faves!

 

And that was it. I overbaked and overcooked. I got burned and ruined the recipe!

 

Me done. It's ok.

After the final buffing. The lighting in the room was too kind–trust me. At the end of the day I almost needed a pick to take all this crap off my face! I was beyond “well done”!

Earlier today I ran a few errands. Because I’m so kind and such a giver, I applied a bit of makeup to my face. I didn’t want to scare the masses.  However, my lighter makeup application looked much, much better.  The wrinkles?  Yeah. They’re still there but don’t look as deep because I decided to skip cooking and baking.

 

 

005

Today. Less makeup. I’m like a Jello No-Bake Cheesecake.   I didn’t powder or conceal or buff.  If I’m gonna have wrinkles let them look more natural!

My recipe may have failed but the good thing is that I learned to leave well enough alone.  I accept my fine-lines-morphing-into-wrinkles because they are a part of me. And knowing this makes me want to pat myself on the back in self adoration for realizing that I’m becoming wiser through my mistakes.  Mistakes are nothing more than a learning experience!

I also learned that I needed a stronger moisturizer!

ROC

I’m hoping that this moisturizer and water work wonders!  This is loaded with sunscreen and that’s a good thing!

I don’t think I do want to be forever young after all!  But I’ll let Rod Stewart explain it! XOXOXO

 

About Catherine

Far from perfect, but enjoying life as a non-perfect and flawed individual at 60 years young. I'm still wondering what I'll be when I grow up! The characters in my life's screenplay include my better half. He is a refined Frenchman who grew up in Paris and summered in St. Tropez. I grew up in Long Island and summered in Long Island. I am not refined. My three grown children are also a big part of my life. For their sake, they happily live where their careers have taken them! But I can still mother them from a distance! I write about the mundane. I write about deeply shallow issues. But whatever I write or muse about--it'll always be a bit on the humorous and positive side! It's all good!
This entry was posted in Baby Boomer Humor, Baking and Cooking Techniques for Mature Skin, Drag Queens, FML--I just overcooked my face!, Miss Richfield 1981, Pandora Boxx, SugarPuffandFluff, Wayne Goss and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to I Cooked and Baked My Face And The Recipe Failed–F.M.L.!

  1. spearfruit says:

    I am glad you are accepting yourself as you are – BEAUTIFUL! At least I think so! Great post Catherine, always enjoy reading them. Happy day my friend! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey GF…no need for baking….now getting out there shaking…hell yeah!!!! 😄✌️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Trudy says:

    Ok that was hilarious! I like Wayne Goss even though he only deals with expense stuff, hes boring on Instagram though. I first saw a video on baking with the vloggers I watch and i don’t see the point because I’ll just sweat through it in the Summer and become an oily mess . Whatever! I will just go with the super strength moisturizer and a primer and call it a day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Catherine says:

      Trudy. I like the way you think! I’m looking down at my legs right now and tomorrow morning I’ll exfoliate so that I can start my seasonal fake tanning. Fake a bake! XOXOXOXO!!!

      Like

  4. Anne says:

    I read last week that in order for the water you drink to stay in your body and hydrate, rather than just peeing it all out, the water needs to be room temperature. Not sure why that makes a difference. Not tried it yet, but am going to. I, too, have such dry skin. In
    the past I had oily skin, then oily t-zone, and now, at 68, just dry, dry,dry skin. Going to try another moisturizer, too. Need a better exfoliant, though heard you need to use caution using these.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Anne! Thanks for that tip. It’s funny–I prefer all my drinks (except Champagne and Long Island Iced Tea) at room temp so maybe my skin will start looking better. Maybe I can talk my dermatologist into putting H2O into a needle and shooting it into my cheeks–it would be cheaper than Botox. I could call it “Notox”! I swear, when I was in high school I had the greasiest face on earth. Menopause robbed me of so much!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!

      Like

  5. Leave the ‘baking’ for photo shoots – perhaps a nice portrait in honour of your 61st birthday. You will look luminous but set – great for photos, but not real life. Our beloved ‘drag queens’ take excellent photos, look great at night, and understandably like to take a lower profile in the harsh reality of daylight.

    I have loved makeup all my life. My mother hardly wore any – she was a Scandi beauty to rival Ingrid Bergman – so beautifully fresh faced most products were superfluous. Like Ingrid, she did not have a make-up bag – what was that for?

    I remember the thrill of wearing glitter eye shadow for the first time aged eight for a Girls Brigade concert. I was told that I must wash it off after the performance to protect my skin but I cheerfully disregarded this advice, I wanted my shimmery eyelids to stay that way forever!

    But in my fifth decade, I actually think I look better without any makeup. Granted I am taking some time out (unpaid leave) to study so my daily routine is very different.

    Also my short range eye sight is really shot – perhaps I can’t really see what I actually look like. The distorted, blurred version looks okay. Maybe in this case, ignorance really is bliss!

    Another great post, thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Hipsterette! Oh I know what that first feel of makeup is like. It turns the plain young girl into a magnificant and ethereal vision of a princess! But you’re right. Less IS better at this point. Hey. I can one up you on the eyesight. I can close my “good” eye and look at my fact through my “bad” eye. It’ll be a vision less than blurry! LOL! (I crack myself up–but the only cracks are if I wear too much shit on my face! :):)XOXOXOXO!!!

      Like

  6. martha says:

    Hi Catherine, I’m new to your blog and so happy I found it! You are hilarious and I look forward to every post. I will be 61 in April, so I can commiserate with you on the wrinkle situation. Its true that slightly less than stellar eyesight has some advantages when looking in the mirror at this point!

    Like

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Martha! Welcome aboard! When in April will you be 61? I’ll be 61 on the 16th (hey the numbers are reversed!). I will do my best to keep you laughing! XOXOXO!!!

      Like

  7. Susan G says:

    Major applause for your Over-Age Baking exposé! You are my heroine — so brave and true. Will you marry me? LOL Seriously, Catherine, you rock!

    Like

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Susan! Oh, I’m honored to marry you!! Yeah. When I was young I baked in the sun. Now I baked with all that shit on my face. They both suck. Bonaparte almost died when he read the blog. But he was secretly happy that I admitted too much makeup was awful. He HATES when I wear any makeup. Keep hating Bonaparte–I’m still doing the eyes!! XOXOXOXO!!!

      Like

  8. calensariel says:

    I find this so interesting. I’ve always heard the older you are the less makeup you should wear. Other wise it’s like putting cracks in the wall and NEVER looks smooth. I got that advice from myh dermatologist. And since I’m REALLY lazy when it comes to makeup, it works for me! Great blog!!! Hope that one’s going in your book! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hi Catherine! Oh wow, such a way with words, you have! (I’m obvs channeling that Yoda character, methinks) Anyway, I’d never heard of this thing ‘baking’. But do you use a serum??? I swear by them and you can get lovely oils that your skin just drinks up. I mean, who would have thought that 4 products were necessary for the daily routine but it works for me and I’m (coughs) older than you!!!! So, it’s serum, then moisturiser, then primer, then foundation, and the first 3 should just melt into your skin. And it’s not that these 3 products will get rid of the wrinkles it’s that (if they’re the right ones) they really moisturise the skin. Then foundation which, like you I buff on, but with a brush. Yes, a serum is a must, I think.
    Lots of love xxx

    Like

  10. LosiLosLoco says:

    You know I’m glad you’ve accepted the wrinkles! I’ve been waiting to hear you say that. Honestly. You were already gorgeous as is and now you know it. 🙂 Good for you. Now, that baking…well, the product didn’t resemble the box picture, did it? 😄 Still love you though! ❤ Thanks for making me laugh. You have a great way with the words darling!

    Liked by 1 person

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  12. Sandra says:

    I’m thirty one and have one deep line under each eye surrounded by a few much finer lines. I’ve always had that one line. Since like birth. My five year old has it too. I’ve baked twice with different products and omfg it makes every single line darker and more noticeable. Those deep lines literally look like black cracks in my face. I looked at least fifteen years older! So you are not alone, sister. And I’m right there with you and Pandora.

    Like

  13. Leah says:

    Wow! So happy to have found your blog… I’m 62 and baked my face last week. Thought it looked good, but was so unsure that I spent the entire day feeling self-conscious. Part of me wanted it to work out, but the rational me knew it must look like shit…4 layers of product under my eyes!!? I was desperate and temporarily insane. You nailed it about Nisha… I’m 62 and BIG DIFFERENCE. I enjoy her videos, nonetheless. Cheers to you! Love the snarky voice.

    Like

  14. Tara says:

    Hilarious post! I tried “baking” this morning and this afternoon I am realizing it just looks SO BAD. Anyway, I’m throwing in the towel and going au naturel tomorrow, even if my rosacea has people asking where did I go on vacation to get sunburned. Take care! Btw you’re gorgeous the way you are.

    Like

  15. Elisha says:

    Very funny – laughed so hard. You are beautiful the way you are. I never understood women who use heavy baked on makeup. It doesn’t look good at all – to me it just looks like they are wearing a mask!

    Like

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