Where do I begin with this one? First of all, if you’ve read my past posts on Hollywood awards events, you know that, a. I’m not a “celebrity” person and b. I live to watch these awards to drool over great ensembles and to snark over the tacky ones. Actually, it’s the tacky and tasteless that warm my heartless the most.
I would have been better off in France at the Cannes Film Fesitval. What is this dress made of? Honeycomb cereal? Popcorn? 3-D Tic-Tac-Toe boards? Only Larisa Katz, the designer knows. But this is what I live for–the truly tacky ensembles and last night’s Golden Globe awards were such a disappointment!
Today I’m nursing a serious case of deep GERD-related indigestion due to the over-the-top amount of chili and cheese laden nachos that I gluttonously wolfed down during last night’s presentation. I think it was more of a stress-eat than anything else.
The Golden Globes are now officially to blame for my overeating last night and destroying my diet.
I was stressed because there was no tackiness. No flamboyance. No excitement. Wait! I have a caveat here—Oprah’s speech was the only excitement but I’ll get to that later.
And where was Bjork? I’ll bet she would have worn a black swan dress—even THAT would have been more exciting!
I knew I was in deep trouble when I started watching “Countdown to the Golden Globes” on the E! Channel. Always late with “celebrity news”, I had no inkling that all the very serious and “humble” actors would be wearing black in support of the #metoo movement.
At first, I thought “Who died” because everyone looked like they were going to a fancy funeral for a very important fashion designer.
Then when I saw the little clip of Debra Messing calling out E! for not paying one of their female entertainment reporters the same salary as her male counterpart, I knew at that moment the self-righteousness of the entertainment industry and not entertainment as an escape would be the topic of the evening.
Trust me, I’m all for equality–but the subject has it’s time and place. Debra. Don’t bite the hand that’s giving you exposure to enjoy the salary you already make–and might I remind you that salary puts you above the 0ne percent that the entire country is making.
Now—don’t get me wrong. I’m all for equality in pay. Based on education and skills and knowledge, the pay scale should be adjusted. But the question remains—was the female reporter in question as adept and qualified as the male she was working with. And this subject goes deeper and deeper because these days, corporations are trying to get away with paying all employees less in salary while demanding more of their time.
Besides—there is a time and a place for everything and Messing’s timing was way off on those comments. It was tacky—and it wasn’t the tacky I was so looking forward to.
You know who Messing should have called out? Her makeup artist. Her shadow wasn’t even blended correctly!! Now THAT’S a crime!!!!
Honestly, I should have turned the TV off when the most gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones was being interviewed. Bonaparte and I were enjoying our aperitifs and at the same time turned to each other with “How much more full of herself can this woman be before she vomits from her own self-fullness?”
Catherine. You are now part of the “mature woman” demographic. You need those Golden Globes of yours placed in a bra with a bit of lift. The truth may hurt your over-filled ego but your cups need a little filling!
My Frenchman went upstairs after dinner and I was left to watch the Golden Globes tout seul.
My Frenchman left me to watch the Golden Globes alone! That’s almost as scary as watching “It” or “The Shining” by myself!
So, let me give you my opinion on the Golden Globes 2018.
Seth Meyers. You are a nice guy. You have a nice way. You were one of my favorites on SNL Weekend Update. However, your hosting was boring. Hey. I understand. It was through no fault of yours. You were most likely a “safe” host and you were. I want Ricky Gervais back.
Seth–even that joke about Weinstein was too tame for my taste. I want Gervais back and I want him back funnier and more acerbic than ever!!!!!
For chrissakes, these celebrities take themselves almost as seriously as that one in the White House calls himself a genius. Lighten up. Get a sense of humor. Laugh at yourself. Gervais would have done a far better job and had gotten plenty of laughs. But nooooooooooooooooo . The tone had to be maudlin so we could how serious the evening was. The black attire wasn’t enough.
And speaking of black attire, let’s look at some of the dresses.
Kate Hudson. I have news for you Kate, the netting on my Weave-A-Wig would have made a better dress. Couldn’t your stylist have gotten you something more attractive? On the other hand, you do look cute with short hair.
Kate Hudson’s Weave-a-Wig dress…
The netting on the Weave-a-Wig helps to keep the wig secured when sewn in. This would have come in very handy for the security of Hudson’s dress had the top been made with Weave-a-Wig netting. Bobbi Boss may have a side business in awards dressing!
Halle Berry. I’m giving props to Halle as one of the GG’s Best-dressed. She wore a short dress and I am a sucker for shorter dresses. I also like “long-haired Halle” better. She has killer legs and that dress showed those gams off to perfection. My only criticism is that she should have worn pointy-toed, cleavage, bearing heels instead.
Halle Berry gets my nod for one of the evening’s best dressed. I don’t think she’ll fail the pencil test for a bra the way Zeta-Jones will. I’m putting this photo on the fridge to stop me from eating. But WTF is with all the see-through dresses?
My other criticism. What’s with the see-through dresses? Seriously. I can’t stand see-through clothing—it has nothing to do with modesty either. Hell, I go topless on the beaches in France so to some I’m most likely the most immodest woman on earth. But the see-through dresses are just not attractive. On anyone.
Dakota Johnson. Hands down. The best dressed of the night. I can’t even with the back of that gown. And the cut and style—everything about her look was just so beautiful. And in a sea of boredom, she stood out even more beautifully than ever!
This dress literally took my breath away. Seriously, she should have saved this for the Oscars because this is an Oscar-worthy dress. OMG. I am in love with this. Kate Hudson needs to hire Dakota Johnson’s stylist. So does Zeta-Jones!
Angelina Jolie. Angie. Angie. Angie. Do I have to fly to Brignoles, France and knock on your door to tell you how disappointed I was in your Globes attire? Come on. You are the most beautiful woman on earth and you wore a get up that was far too matronly. Dayum. I’m almost 63 years old and I wouldn’t wear that granny outfit. Bring back that infamous dress with the high slit you wore to the Oscars a few years back!
Whoever this Just Jared is, I want to thank him for taking the greatest GG pics! Angie. Why? Why are you dressing in a dress that Totie Fields or Phyllis Diller would have worn. This is not you. Go back to the slits. Please.
Emma Watson. No. Just. No. If you are aspiring to look Amish, come to my house and I’ll drive you to Lancaster County, PA. It’s just a half-hour away from me.
Emma, you played Belle. Why wear a dress that is a cross between an Amish ball gown and one that looks like those weird ears on a lizard–the sleeves. No. Just. No!
Mandy Moore. Thank you so much for adding a splash of color by wearing a red sash. But you should have worn your hair down.
I love that splash of red over the drab black gown. There’s too much material on the bottom of this one.
What? Are you trying to look like the lady in the American Gothic painting? The hair is too severe for your bone structure. A looser pulled back look would have been stunning!
And Mandy. Don’t ever wear your hair pulled back like that again. It’s too severe for your beautiful face. You need a loose look to soften the angles. I know this. I have a very square face.
Frances McDormand. BINGO!! My second-favorite look of the evening! She wore Navy Blue! Frances McDormand is not only the best actress (Yes. I’m being sexist by calling her out as an actress because I’m separating the sexes. She is better than any male actor.), but she’s a rebel by wearing blue in that black sea of fashion boredom. McDormand is the reason I watched the Golden Globes. I was dying to see her win because she was so great in Three Billboards. And she did win.
First of all, I was thrilled she won because her performance in Three Billboards was stellar. Secondly, just the fact she wore navy proved she has more balls than all those combined of the men in the audience! Add to that, there is nothing phony or pretentious about this woman. She is comfortable with no makeup. Oh I love her. I’m even giving her a pass on the Eileen Fisher “style” of the dress. She’s still my second-best dressed of the evening. Go you, Frances–and you better win that Oscar!
How could anyone not love her? She offered to buy Tequila shots for all her fellow women nominees. Damn. I wish I was there! I wish I was nominated for a Golden Globe! Her speech, although who knows why she was bleeped so many times, was the best. The woman exhibited a sense of humor that was surely lost during the rest of the event!
And speaking of those black dresses. Do people not realize that RED is a more empowering color? Hell yes! If I were there I would have worn my red heels. Red is a more “in your face” color. Black fades in with the background. Isn’t it better to wear a more empowering color and one for hope rather than a color associated with the maudlin and death?
If I were at the Golden Globes, MY symbolic dress would have been red high heels because I could stamp out the abuse and discrimination. I would have worn jeans as an homage to all the normal, middle and lower, working class women who can’t afford designer duds! THAT symbolism would have been more believable. Red. It is an empowering color!
Think about it.
Let me tell you something. I’m a #metoo. As are most women. And we’ve all had our share of abuse, hardship, bullying and discrimination from men. But nobody brings up the white elephant in the room about the abuse coming from other women. Have any of you ever worked with a female boss or supervisor who was totally abusive? I’ll bet you did because I know that I wasn’t the only one.
Yes. I’ve been the smart fat girl, and have also suffered my share of abuse and discrimination from a woman superior. So let’s talk equality–OK???
Have you ever seen the shaming that women exhibit towards other women on social media? Men aren’t the only abusers or purveyors of harassment. And it’s one thing to give a fun and tongue-in-cheek assessment of what women are wearing on the awards shows. But to viciously attack someone for going against the wearing o’ the black is another. And Twitter was rife with McDormand Shaming! Not cool. Not cool at all.
There is, however, hope for all of us. And that hope comes in the form of Oprah Winfrey. Although Reese Witherspoon’s introduction had me eye-rolling because I just wanted her to shut up and hand the award and mike over to Oprah, as soon as Winfrey took to the podium. I knew it would be one of the best moments of the evening.
This. This. Hope + Oprah. Hoprah. The artist who created this is a genius!
And it was. For her to win the Cecil B. DeMille award was a shining moment and my girl Oprah had me at “Linoleum”. Here’s the link Oprah’s Acceptance Speech.
Oprah needs to run for President of These United States in 2020. And here’s just a few reasons why.
Oprah. Our next President? Let’s hoprah so! Note to Bobbi Boss wigs–can you create a wig just like Oprah’s hair style? I want this.
The world loves and adores her. She would be an exemplary example of a great leader in foreign policy.
She has a book club! She would make America read again!
Oprah. Are you reading this? Can I send my book to you when completed? You’ll make America READ again–and we need that!
We can all, as an overweight nation relate. She’s knows the weight loss struggle is real.
Oprah. I remember the day you did this. I watched your show religiously. I struggle too. we all struggle with our weight!!
She can give a bad-ass speech better than anyone!
She is a great actor—and that counts when one must remain calm. She will be able to channel her inner calm acting skills when her nerves are put to the test.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.she’s good. Just like her soup.
Ohhhh..That’s Good. Soup! Soup! Is there nothing this woman can’t do?
She is intelligent and smart. And she made the rise from journalist to—OPRAH!!!!!!
She is a humanist.
She can get the entire country out to vote—and vote for her. OMG—the Republicans and their electoral collage wouldn’t stand a chance!!!!
Maybe she will give all of us new cars!
She is hope!
Steadman would make a fine “First Man”
Steadman would be a great First Man. Maybe I can be hired as his secretary. I mean, he’ll have to have someone handle his schedule because President Winfrey will be busy with world issues and……
I know—there’s much talk about Oprah in 2020. And I’ve been reading many tweets and such about the fact she isn’t a politician. But—how do you think this successful woman became so successful. She knows her politics and she would be so much better than what we have now.
We need a woman in the White House. We need Oprah. We need her in 2020!
Look how presidential Oprah looks. Oprah. Please run for President. Please…….
PS. A lot good the black dresses did when Greta Gerwig wasn’t even nominated for best director. That just proves women have far more to do than wear a black dress to get their point across.
Here we have a talented woman director and no nomination. Hmmmm..looks like you’ll need more than black dresses to get the point across!
Speaking of talented women, I did another review–and this is of the Bobbi Boss Weave-a-Wig! How appropriate! (watch Chippy in the background)