I Ended the Summer With a Colonoscopy

And it ended with quite a bang.  From my hindquarters, that is!

 

But before I go on, I want to explain my absence for a good part of this summer.

Work is stressful and with being short-staffed, it will continue to be until vacancies are filled.

super stressed

Yeah.  That’s me.  With darker hair.  And stressed!

Oona’s wedding was also a point of stress.  But not necessarily in a bad way. It was more stressful in a worrisome way.  As in will it all go on without a hitch.  Will everything fall into place.  How will the travel go?  And it’s over and I can breathe a bit better.

My baby girl is now a married woman and she’s incredibly happy!  No more stress!

The stress of seeing myself in her wedding photos from a side view. Holy God.  I put on some serious weight and I’m so upset about that.  I stress-ate for about six months and starting now. Not tomorrow or next week but now I’m once, again, being diligent in healthier eating (which I’ll get to later on in this post).

Allow me to share what is most likely one of the more “Kind” photos of me because I looked like a tank!

And then there was the stress of having my colonoscopy.

Bitmoji Image

Why not?  Panic is what I do best!

I made the appointment back in June.  I’ve had polyps in the past making a colonoscopy routine every five years for me.

And don’t think it isn’t stressful to think about it.

What goes on in my mind?  This time it could be worse.  And knowing that, my only “satisfaction” if you will, is eating.  It’s a vicious cycle, it is.

Anyway, I had this procedure done last week.  Tuesday, to be exact.  And here’s how it went down.

Because there is extensive preparation to empty out the colon, I had to take half a “sick” day. Add to the “sick” day for the procedure that totaled 1 and a half sick days.  I will remain silent on my feelings.

Well…..I didn’t come in for 1 1/2 days because I wasn’t in this state. It was quite the opposite!

My doctor’s office called in a subscription to my pharmacy for a prescription that would assist in my prep.  I received a phone call that my health insurance, Independence, did not cover the prescription.   BTW, the cost of health insurance keeps rising and we, as consumers, receive less coverage—especially in the prescription area.

With no prescription, the doctor’s office gave me a recipe for another option.

A delicious cocktail made with Gatorade and MiraLAX.  And instructions to take four Dulcolax pills before drinking.

Think of the Dulcolax as the olives in the martini…

 

And the MiraLax as Dry Vermouth…

….and shall we consider the Gatorade akin to a good Vodka?

Bonaparte went to the store, picked up two bottles of Gatorade, the green color and a lovely shade of green it was, the MiraLAX and the Dulcolax.

At approximately, 4 PM, I took the pills to kind of loosen things up a bit.

At 6 PM I started the first 32 ounces of the delightfully fruity-fresh Gatorade/MiraLAX cocktail

Yummy, Yummy!  Now THIS is a cocktail!

And let me tell you that it didn’t taste at all bad.

I was to finish the second of the cocktails around midnight.

By Ten PM, nothing was happening with the exception of a few gurgles within the confines of my stomach.  It occurred to me that nothing may have been happening due to a blockage.  Yes.  I think that way.

There was some movement but now quite to my bowels!

At a little after 11 PM, the gurgles became stronger, making their way down the intestinal track and I had an urge that was not unlike the urges to push when I was in labor.

Oh boy. I ain’t feelin’ so well….

Suffice it to say.  The stuff worked.

And worked.  And continued to work the remainder of the evening into early morning.

I would love to but my bottom is like an unhinged tap at this point!

I did not sleep for I was feeling rather “flushed”.  Literally.

As early morning arrived and I was still sitting upon the Queen’s throne, my concern was that I would still be sitting and $hitting rather than on my way to the procedure.

Yeah. I was pretty-much this guy.  Thank you Giphy for such a wonderful visual!

But as 5 AM approached, it was safe to get ready.  Sort of.

My appointment was at 6:30 AM in Bala Cynwyd.  This meant having to take the Schuylkill Expressway.  Which, is not an expressway due to the amount of traffic you will find at any time of day or night.

My choice of clothing was a black dress from Old Navy that is very simple, comfortable and falls loosely over my bottom half.  I also wore my favorite wig—Jamison.  I figured a nice bob length would be the perfect choice of fake hair.

And why wouldn’t my favorite wig come with me to have a colonoscopy?  At least the top of me looked good!

And as I was leaving my little room where I put my makeup on (Oh yes.  I went in there with a no-makeup, makeup face), I felt, yet, another urge albeit not as strong as a couple of hours earlier.

I felt as though I had no control over a certain little muscle in my body that shall, for this post, go unnamed.

My only solution was to grab the nearest towel from the rack on the wall in the bathroom and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

And I made sure the towel was color coordinated to my dress!

And that is how I traveled to the Main Line Endoscopy Center in Bala Cynwyd from Phoenixville.  Sitting on a towel because if I hadn’t, the passenger seat in my husband’s car would have gotten “soiled”. And that would not be a good thing.

And that is how I entered, not only the building, but the area in which I had to enter to check in.

At this point I felt like a bottomless tap of recycled Gatorade. And my only thought was somewhere there was a Pee Wee Football league who could have made use of this recycled Gatorade and run faster to reach the goal post!

Hey buddy. I’LL help you win the game.  Just allow me to bend over and give you some nutritious and recycled Gatorade. You’ll win that game in record time!

Once changed, my body had no more liquid to dispose of and I was wheeled into the waiting area.  I was thrilled that I was able to keep my wig on and the staff was incredibly chipper –especially for 6:30 in the morning!

Mike explained the anesthesia process and Dr. Kaufman greeted me and went over the procedure and the next thing I knew; it was over and done with.

All is as well as it ever will be!

The results?  I had two polyps cut out of me.  I have Diverticulitis.  I’m fine.  And presently researching foods that won’t cause any flareups.

The colonization starts now.  I’ll be researching more colon-friendly foods!

So, I’m ready to lose weight but in a very healthy way.

And I’ll be back for another colonoscopy in five years.

Do yourself a favor—if you haven’t done so already, make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  I know it is a literal pain-in-the-ass because of the prep but treat yourself to the delightful concoction of Gatorade and laxatives.  Get a few trashy magazines to read in the bathroom and by all means, get an old towel and shove it up your………………………………………

And that’s it.  I’ve been stressed.  I’ve been a bit not myself and I needed a short break from writing.

I’m back now and rarin’ to go!

Take care of yourself.  You are your own gift to yourself and others!

About Catherine

Far from perfect, but enjoying life as a non-perfect and flawed individual at 60 years young. I'm still wondering what I'll be when I grow up! The characters in my life's screenplay include my better half. He is a refined Frenchman who grew up in Paris and summered in St. Tropez. I grew up in Long Island and summered in Long Island. I am not refined. My three grown children are also a big part of my life. For their sake, they happily live where their careers have taken them! But I can still mother them from a distance! I write about the mundane. I write about deeply shallow issues. But whatever I write or muse about--it'll always be a bit on the humorous and positive side! It's all good!
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26 Responses to I Ended the Summer With a Colonoscopy

  1. Anne M Bray says:

    There you go again, giving me a good laugh for the day!
    Excellent array of gifs.
    I haven’t had a colonoscopy yet (I’m 63) — I use the LA County system for Those Who Are Uninsured and they do poop labs instead of the big procedure. Cheaper that way, I’m sure! I DO need to book a doctor’s appointment, however. I’ve been procrastinating on that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Catherine says:

      Hey Anne! Don’t procrastinate and don’t get me started on the lack of medical insurance in our country! I’m definitely glad to have given you a good laugh. It”s important!! XOXOXXX

      Like

  2. Judy says:

    Oh Catherine, you make even the most dreadful experiences sound funny! I am sorry you had to go through all that and I am so glad you are ok. But thank you for making me laugh out loud!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Catherine says:

      hi Judy!! Well, this is a procedure that is definitely the “Butt” of jokes!!! LOL. Thank you. I’m glad to be ok too but am now looking into much healthier eating!! XOXOXOXO

      Like

  3. I turned 50 last week and I suppose its time for me to schedule an appointment for my first procedure.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Funny, Cath! I go for my colonoscopy soon, too. Have to go every three years since I had a polyp removed a few years ago. I never mind it; the stuff they give me to drink is delish. I mix it with crystal lite lemonade. Yum. If no polyp this time I won’t have to go again for awhile. Keep up the good work, girl!

    Like

    • Catherine says:

      Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Crystal Lite! That sounds better than the Gatorade. Hmmmm Perhaps we can come up with some different colonoscopy cocktail recipes!!! Good luck with your procedure and may no polyps be found!! XOXOXOXO

      Like

  5. Donna says:

    Catherine, I laughed until I cried! I had the same lovely ingredients for my recent colonoscopy prep…NOT at all fun! Thank goodness the procedure itself is easy-peasy! Good for you for keeping up with this important screening procedure.

    Like

  6. Linda Toews says:

    Been there! If you haven’t seen it and are a fan of Scottish comedian Billy Connolly, he has a delightful YouTube on colonoscopy prep.

    Like

  7. I don’t ever want to talk about it!

    Like

  8. marsha57 says:

    Oh, Catherine! I swear I cannot even stand to look at Gatorade! It may taste good to some, but, oh, one look has me running for the john! I am with you on the stress eating! I started last Christmas and didn’t stop until I got my numbers back from blood work! Time to lose those pounds! Good luck!

    Like

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Marsha! Ugh. the Gag-or-ade is more like it! Please…..my doctor told me to follow the heart healthy diet so I’m checking it all out. I’m definitely cutting out bread and cheese because that’s where the gut got bigger!!! XOXOXOXO

      Like

  9. Momcat says:

    OMG that GIPH with the guy flying off the toilet!! Couple years back I was prepping for a colonoscopy ( True North strong and free colonoscopies🇨🇦) I took the Ducolax and within an hour started throwing up and experiencing 911 calling pain…yup my appendix had chosen that moment to burst open…interestingly THERE WAS NO RELATION to the prep and the exploding appendix, just a sad coincidence. So get that colonoscopy done… the occult blood poop smear is largely used now to determine who might need a colonoscopy in the general population. It’s easy, painless, non invasive and cheap. … Diverticulitis. If you have it and it’s not active or if you want to prevent it get lots of fibre, drink lots of water and walk or exercise everyday. Avoid constipation at all costs.I am..just getting over an obstruction due to overlooking that advice. I should know better, had my sigmoid removed a few years back due to constant flare ups of the diverticulae:(

    Glad you are back!!!

    Like

  10. Lyn Gerbich says:

    OMG I could not stop laughing. In Australia the govt offers free testing to everyone over 50, every 2 years, but as my father had bowel cancer I have had to have colonoscopies. The worst part is drinking all that revolting liquid, a good clean out never hurt anyone. I started annually, then 2 yearly after removal of polyps, now up to 5 yearly. You just brought it all back, especially the travelling to have the procedure, you just know there is not going to be a toilet when you need one. Glad you are OK and that you are back to writing. I missed your posts.

    Like

  11. Margaret says:

    Love the ‘film shots etc’ CATHERINE and glad the results were ‘manageable’.
    Take care x

    Like

  12. Kathy L says:

    Glad you’re back and that all is well. Thank you for making a serious subject so funny too. Here in the UK we have regular bowel cancer checks for over-60s, non-invasive. So fortunately I’ve not had to have a colonoscopy. I’m hoping that despite all the appalling things our new prime minister is doing we will keep our free nhs health checks, but if he forces through a no deal Brexit I’m not convinced. 😕
    I look forward to your continuing good health and entertaining blog posts. Best wishes, Kathy x

    Like

  13. Great laughs!!! I think you lucked out with the Miralax/Gatorade cocktail. The prep I used in May tasted so bad! Ugh. The prep is the worst part for sure. Glad you did it and shared about it – so many people refuse to have the procedure done and it is really the best way we have to screen for colon cancer.
    xo,
    Kellyann

    Like

  14. Denise Conlow says:

    Sorry you had to go through all that but you did see the humor in it! Thank you for making us laugh!! Glad you’re ok! Hugs xoxo

    Like

  15. Denise says:

    Well guess who was the day before you? In fact I checked and it was my 4th in 14 years, lucky me! Depending on the type of polyp, delightful prep/colonoscopy can be repeated sooner that 5 years. Next time (yup, more polyps) I’m going to be a rule breaker and start earlier in the day so the grand finale won’t be the middle of the night! As long as it’s all clean, do they really care the timing thereof? BTW I’m allowed any clear liquid so opted for white grape juice and apple juice. Detest Gatorade. Here’s to our next colonoscopy and thanks for the laughs!

    Like

  16. Debe says:

    You are awesome! I have never had a colon exam and/or mammogram.

    Never will I came un with 2 boobies and a (___×___) and will go out the same way.

    I am 67 and set ….but I am vaccinated!

    Ha

    Like

  17. Cyndy Floor says:

    Been there! I survived on homemade chicken broth. And I felt good once all the evacuating stopped. Will be getting a second one soon since I have had cancer. since you have to – should- have one it id a good way to jump start a new diet of healthy weight loss.

    Like

  18. Maryellen Reardon says:

    I can relate. It has been a stressful for me too and boy that drives me to carbs and sweets. I am going to turn that around now and eat healthy foods – we can do it!

    Like

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