OMG. I have so much to tell you. Last week I was diagnosed with Severe Depression. Finally an answer to my broken spirit!!
Strange as it seems, I was actually happy and relieved to find out I am experiencing severe depression. At least I know what needs to be fixed. And that’s a good thing!
You have no idea how relieved I was. I mean, really. I was going absolutely crazy (pause. I am a bit crazy—with depression) trying to figure out why I cry every morning before I head to work and every evening as soon as I leave the office. During the work day I’m irritable, cranky, overwhelmed and overstressed.
This is me between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM!
That all feeds into my deep-rooted feelings of being a failure. But wait! There’s so much more that can’t even broach for now—that will all come in a future blog post.
At times, Dwight Schrute and I are on the same wavelength. My failures are epic failures!
And people experiencing depression can actually be happy while they are miserable. And that’s for the future post as well.
Emotional peaks and valleys come and go but overall, you can be happy and depressed at the same time. It’s complicated!
But……………. this depression has caused me to turn to food for comfort. Ever since my brother, Pete, passed, I’ve been sinking. He passed in November of 2019 and the circumstances were just so horrible. He was on vacation. The beginning of November. His body couldn’t be brought home until December. So, we had to continue with life as “normal” (and I use that term lightly) as possible. My husband and I spent Thanksgiving in Paris, and I can attest, it wasn’t the most glorious trip we’ve ever had. The dark cloud had planted itself above my fake hair and was ready to create a fog that went straight into my spirit.
And as much as I love Paris, that last trip had a dark cloud over me.
Suffice it to say that the 2019 Christmas Holidays were not as festive as they could have been. Then in January Covid-19 came to be. And eight weeks later we were in a lockdown. And we all know how the next year and change went.
And we masked up over a year. And I still carry a mask in my car and one in my purse–even though I’ve been double-vaxed!
So, let’s get back to my turning to food for comfort. While in Paris, I ate. A lot. But a lot of good food. I enjoyed my meals but didn’t stray too far.
I especially loved the bone marrow among other things.
Christmas did me in. The baking. The cooking. The sampling. Shoving baked goods and anything else in my mouth to feel better was my ultimate goal. Some drink alcohol. Others grab for weed. And those who are motivated, work out. I eat and laze around the house like Jabba the Hut!
Yum yum! Ten for me, one for you!
After a bad day at work (Monday through Friday) I would come home and literally pick and graze before and after dinner. My pants got tight. My thighs grew somewhat thunderous. My double chin became quadruplets. My upper arms could be used as mudflaps on a huge truck. You get the visual?
I couldn’t even get this far because my pants wouldn’t go past my thighs!
I ate more. The more depressed and miserable I became, the more I shoved food into my mouth like a Hoover. Then my pants stopped fitting altogether. I purchased shapewear. But it was too effing uncomfortable and I felt as though I was a sausage in a casing. So, I took the shapewear off and just ate some sausage instead!
Why have a piece of cheese when you can have the entire block? Why have a slice of cake when you can eat the entire three layers? Why have a tiny bit of the appetizer when you can just eat it all?
I managed to lose about 9 pounds doing a calorie count, but I suck at math and those pounds returned. Oh, what a vicious cycle. And oh, how I was just destroying myself both emotionally and physically.
And when I returned home from work last Wednesday night, I had a bit of an awakening. I arrived home looking a wreck. The mascara streaked into dark gray lines down my face because they got stuck in the river of tears. My nose was running like a tap. My wig was crooked. My unshaven legs were pinching me. My brows were smeared. I looked like hell. I’m not kidding either. I ran upstairs to get changed. I whipped my clothing and underwear off and caught a glimpse of my naked body in the full-length mirror. My gut was akin to that of a five-month’s pregnant woman. My titties were larger and saggy. And although I clearly recognized the reflection and owned it, I didn’t recognize me. The woman in the mirror wasn’t who I used to be. And I wanted the old me back.
Honestly, I was better off naked because I felt like a stuffed sausage with clothing on!
So, I did a thing. I ran naked into the bathroom and stepped upon the scale. The scale which I have been avoiding for way too long. And then I looked at the number. At 165, I’ve been heavier. And even at a heavier weight, my body was in better shape because I moved. I’m telling you. This job that I have is killing me. I sit on a chair. In a cubicle. All day long. All. Day. Long. By the time I get home I’m too tired to even function.
But that night—it was different. I decided to do something. I threw an old nighty over my billowing pillow of a body, ran downstairs and went to re-join Weight Watchers. It’s the only program that seems to work for me. Counting calories didn’t. Giving up bread and pasta didn’t work either—I just overate shit that wasn’t pasta or bread!
I can do this. I can give up bread or most likely just eat small portions and not the entire loaf!
And I funny thing happened when I went to sign up again. I didn’t have to rejoin. All I had to do was reactivate my account because I’m a Lifetime Member. And I wasn’t too far off my first goal so it was all good.
My WW App welcomed me back with new updates!
The Prodigal Glutton was welcomed back in the best possible way!
Hey. Let’s give this parable a modern twist by explaining the Prodigal Glutton!
My account was untouched for well…almost two years. And upon returning, I wasn’t judged. Nor was I shamed. And certainly, wasn’t looked down upon. What I did conclude is that I am responsible for my body. It’s difficult. Very difficult because when depression sets in or any emotional setback, things are easier said than done. But, I’m a fighter.
And fight I do. No matter how down I feel, it’s important for me to get dressed nicely for work and put a bit of makeup on! It’s my way to fight the battle!
My phone is my guide this time. And I’m preparing myself, or rather organizing myself to be set up for success! I purchased a scale…
I bought a WW scale to weigh my protein and other food items!
And even purchased a little box of 2-point snacks. Here’s the thing about the snacks. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday, The Frenchman and I enjoy aperitifs before dinner. With that comes a little appetizer—I’ve been known to down a family sized bag of tortilla chips. These little bags will help set me straight.
I bought a box of these protein puffs. Two points a bag. It might seem silly but these little portions will keep my gluttonous desires at bay. I had some of these WW snacks at my sister’s and they are quite good!
So yeah. It has been a week, I weighed myself this evening when I returned from work and I’m down five pounds. At a weight of 160, there’s twenty pounds of love that needs to be spread somewhere else!
I’m also wearing more “weight-loss-friendly” summer clothing. Trust me, there’s a whole bunch of shift dresses that don’t fit presently. Instead, I’ve opted for jersey swing dresses and looser dresses that I’ve had through thicker and thinner and looser but not sloppy dresses. Pants can wait till the fall.
And this skirt by the brand Ripskirt is a wonderful asset to the weight loss journey because the closures are velcro. The waist can be made smaller as I lose!
Inasmuch as I’ve put on weight, I’m not giving up wearing a bathing suit either. Trust me, when it’s hot out, it’s hot and the beach offers relief. It doesn’t matter if I appear to be a beached whale, I am squeezing into a swimsuit!
I’m still wearing the swimsuit. Trust me this pic looks good due to the lighting and angle.
Anyway, I want to return to my blog on a regular basis too. It’s been very difficult to write. The ideas are there but when I arrive home from work I’m literally spent. I honestly cannot function. However, I’m trying my best to put any emotional issues aside and work them out. In the meantime, It’s baby steps. I want my clothes to fit again and I want to return to my productive writing!
Actually, this blog is my baby. Over six years I may not have a large following but those who have been within this wonderful circle of friends, have been along while I shared everything from life with a Frenchman, to the careers of my children, from weddings to funerals. From travels and fun times. To makeup, skincare and style. It’s always a good time. And I want so desperately to return to that. And I will!
I gotta get back on my blog goals!
Tell me, have you put weight on during the pandemic? How are you handling it? Have you lost weight? Has the lockdown spun you into a depressed state? We need to discuss this! So let’s begin!
There’s a WW Lifetime group on FB that is very positive and supportive. You don’t have to be at goal to join; you just have to have made Lifetime at some point. WW is the only thing that worked for me. You can do it too. I believe in you!!
Thanks so much Nancy! Thanks for believing in me and letting me know about that ww group! XOXOXO
I am glad you are writing again because I really, really enjoy your posts. And I am cheering you on. Sometimes I too am depressed. Being divorced with grown children, I have spent far too much time alone during the pandemic, and am still spending too much time alone. I visited my daughter recently and was very happy. I am daydreaming about selling my home and forever renting an apartment wherever she is so that I can be near her. That’s not a financially reasonable long term strategy but it shows how much I really need to change how I am living. I need to find a better, happier way to live. Onward.
Maryellen. Your thoughts are so spot on. I’m constantly thinking about life if the Frenchman and I sold and moved to rent but it just would be a financial disaster. Like you, I need to change how I’m living but I’ll tell you, here in the Philly suburbs, the pickin’s are slim to none inasmuch as finding a better job. Nobody wants to hire a 66 year old and the canned response I’ve gotten is I’m “over-qualified” which translated means “Over-aged”! XZOXOXOXO
Oh hon, depression is just the most awful, awful experience and I wish I could give you a huge hug. Take any help offered and be kind to yourself and also make yourself space. Lockdown (March 2020) coincided with a breakdown due to work related bullying (the manager – who is a horrible person, we dont even go there, he is just plain nasty) and I had 7 weeks off away from the office, sick because of him. Working at home has been healing but I am still on antidepressants and had a lot of support from colleagues and the primary care mental health team, I never want to work in the same building as that person ever again… Anyway when I first fell apart I had no idea of what I thought – my husband basically provided endless scrambled egg and tomato on toasted sourdough for weeks as its a childhood favourite of mine as I had no idea what I wanted to eat or if I was hungry or not hungry, any choice making was totally beyond me. So fast forward months of him being home when I am home and I find I am very much a social muncher – if GravelGuy thinks he wants a bacon sandwich then Ill join him, if he thinks hmmmm baguette, then Ill probably think thats an excellent idea too so the weight creeps up as he is a keen runner and I am not that energetic (I walk lots but I dont run). I only reset my food preferences when he is away (he is this week yippeeeee) and as it is hot, I want salad, salad and the odd popsicle from the freezer, but salad along with some excellent nectarines or cherries or raspberries that are currently in season… Anyway do what works for you I find Noom has been helpful for me (I dont weigh myself every day as otherwise I would be beside myself) but the thinking about what I eat and why definitely has helped me. I definitely can do with losing weight and sadly I have the hanging belly which isnt going to snap back either. Sorry long post but I suspect you are going to get lots of long responses 🙂
Hi Juliette. OMG. Your response is not too long. It resonates so well with me. In fact, my position on WFH is almost the opposite of yours. I go to the office every day. And have been since the beginning of lockdown. Not one word of thanks or recognition from Upper Management. It’s sickening. However, in the year and a half of most of the workers working from home I’ve observed that the quality of work has gone down. A lot. More errors, more laziness and less caring. I’m certainly not speaking for everyone working from home but there are definite changes in the quality.
My therapist said to take things slower which I am. But at the end of the day, I’m emotionally drained.
I have to say though that using the WW app is making me more accountable. Like now. I’m at my laptop and am just not going into the kitchen although I do try to justifiy a bit of a snack–I’m just not doing it. I’m drinking water instead.
It’s actually a relief to see the support on here! Thanks so much Juliette! XOXOXOXO
all credit to you for building a support network on your blog – its a testament to who you are. I know from lockdown that a lot of people are swinging the lead and getting away with really doing a bad job if doing the job at all, its not something I can stand as a person – I guess we have that similar mindset. I do however strongly believe that we have to learn to care less, not necessarily not do our jobs – BUT we have no responsibility to cover up the shortfalls of others, thats up to managers and higher grades to take responsibility for. Wishing you strength and resilience and positivity xxx
A great post as always Catherine! I’m glad you are opening up to us about your depression so we can help you in any way we can. I’ve had depression most of my life and I know it’s a heavy weight to bear. You know I’m always here for you 💜
I’ve missed you Cathe! Just wanted to let you know I think you’re a terrific writer and I always get a giggle from every post. Even your post about depression has your humor in it!! That says a lot about you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Slow and steady wins the race. Sending a virtual hug 🤗
Thank you Audrey! Yes. A sense of humor is always a glimmer of hope and I’m feeling much better receiving your virtual hug! XOXOXO
Thanks so much Ang. You know, that’s the thing. I’ve had a depressed state of emotions since childhood and when the doctor suggested my parents take me to a shrink, they went ballistic. I’m hopeful that parents today are more astute and don’t see emotional health as a stigma! Thank you so much for your support! XOXOXOXO
I gained about 20 lbs after my parents died, 3 yrs apart, and have no memory of my 40s: I remember grieving in my late 30s, & when I came up again, I was in my 50s & at my heaviest. Weird, huh? I see now that I was in some way trying to “fill” the empty spots.
Like you, my desk job was sedentary (especially during pandemic) & I had a 2.5 hr round trip commute to work & would return home exhausted.
I retired at end of 2020 & now spend those 2.5 hrs walking the dogs & I’ve lost a little weight, A1c & cholesterol is down too. But depression is still a daily struggle.
Be gentle with yourself; you’ve had a double whammy of loss & pandemic, along with happy but emotionally draining events: daughter’s marriage & birth of grandchild.
Love your blog posts; you’re so effervescent, they always cheer me up. You can overcome this challenge; you’re a force of nature. XOXOXO Julie
Hi Julie. And Thank you so much! Trust me, I totally “get” how you have no memories of your 40’s. I, too, when through a time where I have very little recollection. I believe those times are so damaging that we place them in an emotional closet and tuck them away. You’re lucky that you were able to retire. I have to wait four more years to receive my full retirement benefits which is a trigger that I’m trying to handle. Yeah. I’m definitely trying to be less hard on myself. That’s another issue in itself but with therapy it’ll be solved! XOXOXOXO
So glad you are a work in progress. We all are. I hear you about the depression. And the weight. Pandemic was awful and I hope we don’t go backwards. Although we are right now I love to read your blog and I would love to hear from you more often. Too many workplaces are not employee friendly. Many bosses are horrible. Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you.
Linda Boyte
Hi Linda! And thank you so much. This pandemic has taken a lot out of most of us and I dare say that I hope we don’t enter into another lockdown. But with those who make the vaccinations political, I fear we will be in for a repeat. You certainly hit the nail on the head with too many workplaces not being employee friendly. I blame the root of that largely when Personnel became Human Resources. Personnel was all about the employee whereas HR is about the company. IMO, HR is more despised than upper management then again, they both go hand-in-hand. I used to have a 35 hour workweek back when I worked on Wall Street. I had a yearly bonus. I had so much time off. It was a pleasure. Now I have a 40 hour work week, PTO is not great but not the worst and receive nothing more than my pay. Corporate America has regressed for the mid-range staff but upper management always benefits. It sucks! XOXOXOXO
Love you Cathe-I can identify with everything you have said. Hang in there-you deserve to feel better. Thank you for your daily dose of perspective- I really appreciate it!
Thank you for your support and kindness Kathryn! It really means a lot to me! XOXOXOXO
Oh, how this resonates with me. I actually lost 20 pounds when the pandemic began because we were picking up our groceries. And, if it wasn’t in the house, I couldn’t eat it. I looked and felt better than I had for years. My husband pretty much insisted we isolate ourselves. We saw the kids on FaceTime or at the end of the driveway. But, then, word of vaccines came out. You would think I would be so ecstatic. But, instead, my anxiety reared its ugly head. I was going to have to make choices and see people, risk ridicule if I wore my mask, and what if the vaccines don’t really work. That anxiety lead to overeating which lead to disgust which lead to overeating, and that damn cycle began again. I am considering WW again, but I know what to do. I just need the accountability, and I hate those meetings with the chirpy leaders. So, I’ve begged and cajoled and convinced my husband to oversee my weigh-ins. That will have to work because I’m not buying new clothes! Good luck on your journey!
Hi Marsha! My new anxiety is having to deal with the a$$holes on the road now. During lockdown, the only pleasurable aspect was communting to and back from work with no traffic. It was a beautiful thing. Now all the vermin is on the road–not signaling when they change lanes, tailgating, going too slow in the left-hand lane..Ewww. I dream of being back in a city with a subway! I would rather deal with the rats underground then the rats driving their vehicles.
Regardless, I totally get you about the WW meetings. I can’t attend a meeting at this time simply because I just can’t deal with a live meeting at this juncture. And, like you, my husband is being very supportive! Best of luck. we’ll get there! XOXOXOXO
I am so glad to see your post-I missed you! Depression is one of those things I only recognize when I am getting better. I have issues writing when I’m depressed too and even this simple response has taken awhile (I get very critical of myself). You’ve motivated me to get up and try on those jeans and see if I can wear them and then order a few items that will be comfortable and cute while I start getting myself back in shape. Thank you for being you and writing that blog post. You will never know how much it helped me tonight.
OMG. Patricia. This is the third time I’m trying to respond to your comment. WP changed it up AGAIN!!! (I swear if WP keeps making changes, it’ll be a trigger for me-LOL). Anyway….I’m extremely happy and touched that I was able to help you. IT’s important to me to help through being honest about what is going on. Whether good or not-so-good. OMG. The pants. I’m thinking of hiding every pair of pants I have with the exception of my J. Crew pixie pants (the stretch is epic) and leggings! Why are we so critical of ourselves? I swear is goes back to parents demanding perfection from us! XOXOXOXOXOXO
Thank you for sharing. I love your blog and how real you are with readers. I am trying to eat healthier and exercise more. As another commenter said, a work in progress. Sending care and good thoughts.
Thank you Hope! Thank you so much for your supportive words–it’s true. We are a work in progress! XOXOXOXO
So sorry you are suffering from depression but thankfully you have an answer to how bad you are feeling. You are definitely not a failure, this blog is proof you are not. I always look forward to reading and being cheered up by your writing.
Please keep us updated with your progress.
Sending good wishes from England.
Sue B
Xxx
P.S. I am a month younger than you.
Thank you Sue!! I’m very hopeful and happy to be receiving such wonderful support! Thank you! XOXOXOXO
Cathe, thank you for your honesty, humor, and writing. I love all of it. I consider you a friend even though we have never met. I enjoy you so much. You and I are are so much alike, you have no idea! A couple of thoughts..
Depression is a beast and I’m so glad you are getting help for it. Congratulations on making that move to work on your mental health.
You are a beautiful woman and are not as gigantic as you think you are! I definitely understand how you feel about yourself. I think all women don’t just eat, we have a relationship with food. And we pretty much all hate our bodies. I’m right there with you but I can honestly tell you, you are gorgeous. But congratulations on making the move back to WW to work on your physical health.
I’m sure you know this but I want to say it – making time to move every day makes a huge difference in our longevity and our mental health. I work full time too and I understand how hard it is to make this happen. I move in the mornings before I go to work, and once usually on the weekends. It can be as simple as a 30-minute walk, or more with small dumbbells and bands. Classes at a women’s gym can be a huge help and also a way to make friends. It would have to be in the morning, probably for you like me, and that’s a big adjustment but worth it. It means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier. I know how hard it is to start this…
Another thing I started during the pandemic is seeing a therapist, once a week. My insurance covers most of it. I’m a huge fan of therapy and think everyone would benefit from it.
And finally, how lucky you are to have your Frenchman. I am divorced and have been in a few sort-of long term relationships for the last seven years. I think I have met the last man in my life, thank God, and I’m so grateful. You are so lucky to have that wonderful man in your life!
Love you Cathe, you are an inspiration and a source of joy to me!
Tracy
Hi Tracy! Congratulations on meeting that last man! I wish the two of you all happinesses and successes! And thank you for your kind words–it means a lot of me of which I am ever-grateful for! XOXOXO
Hugs to you, Cathe. My best friend has depression, too. Once she was diagnosed she felt a huge sense of relief, as you do. It’s a real journey, for sure. All the best to you.
I haven’t really gained weight during the pandemic, but I have noticed a change in myself. I find that I’m happiest here at home with my cat and husband – and would rather not be as social as I once was. I guess my introverted self helped me cope with the isolation and now I’m even more into solitude than usual. I’m just coming off having entertained a friend for 9 days and I’m emotionally beat. Looking forward to a private month of August!!!
Vava! Your friend is lucky she has you. It’s like I thank my lucky stars I have my friend MaryBeth! On the weight loss, consider yourself very lucky that you didn’t gain pandemic weight-LOL! XOXOXOXO
Best wishes to you Catherine. I was so pleased to see there was a blog from you as your words are always such good sense and such FUN! Although we are on different sides of the ocean, your blog always resonates with me and I do think of you as a far away friend. I love to hear about your family, your husband, and Chippy, as well as your make up, dresses, other clothes and wigs. So please be assured there are a lot of us cheering you on. I too have put on some weight during lockdown, though trying to keep active in a safe way. I’m sure now you’re back on the WW track that you will feel better. I know you can’t just leave your job, but I hope you can find a way to help make it more bearable. I’m now retired but I do remember the feelings of dread and gloom on Mondays mornings, and sitting at my desk silently screaming ‘let me out of here!’ 😊
Hi Kathy! Thanks you so much for your support. Tis a strange thing the job situation. At 66 years, the ageist behavior here in the Philly suburbs is incredible. Nobody wants to hire some one this age because of health reasons and retirement. It basically sucks. But those of the older generation have a great work ethic that is oftentimes overlooked. My luck isn’t good. It is a conundrom that passes through my mind every day. Should I have continued working when my children were younger or concentrated on my career? TBH I wouldn’t give up a moment of being with my children–but the consequence was going from one bad job to another. Oh well. No matter how horrific the job is, I give it my all! XOXOXOXO
Baby steps will get you there, reliably! And they prove that all it really takes is persistence . . . I am hereby giving you official permission to write when you feel like it, and I encourage you to let yourself feel like it as much as you want. I’m a fan. And I think that you show a lot of self-awareness when you recognize that, for you, taking responsibility for the way you look is a lifeline – taking pains with your appearance is something you do well, and it encourages others, too. That said, also please remember that you are you, fat or thin, and that wanting to be a you that you were some time ago is less exciting and rewarding than wanting to be a you that you are or can be now! Also, I really like how you have said that depression and happiness are not mutually exclusive, and I’m eager to hear more on that as well as on your other upcoming adventures!
Hi Marsha! And thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I want to write more and will be doing so in the very near future. It’s so weird this depression. It’ kind of grabs you when you least expect it and like an unwanted guest, it lingers. But I am gathering up thoughts to write about this more! Thank you so much for your support! XOXOXOXO
Hi Catherine – I have missed you and wondered why you were not posting and just assumed it was work demands. You are so beautiful inside and out and your honesty is very much appreciated by all of your blog friends like myself. I think for myself at least, once I understand why I feel the way I do…I am not so overwhelmed and can work on making myself feel better. Hugs.
Thanks Nancy. I’m enjpying your hugs! Yeah.It goes deeper than work but the work situation is definitely a trigger but you know what? I have a job so I need to focus on the good! XOXOXOXO
Cathe…..Thank you for your rawness and honesty regarding depression. You are always so open, real and funny that I never would have imagined the difficulties you have been dealing with over the last year and a half. You are fortunate to be able to have an outlet to write about your feelings; I wish I had that at times. I was feeling miserable after gaining almost 20 pounds last year during lockdown with all the cooking and baking done to pass the boredom. I joined WW and have lost 19 pounds so far. It took almost 8 months but hey at least I lost it and you will too. I hope you realize how special you and how relatable you are to all your proager followers.
Tonie. Thanks so much for your support. It’s a beautiful thing for me to be honest and open on my blog because I don’t believe in BSing people.It’s important. I’m being accountable for my actions now on the WW so we’ll see–it won’t happen overnight but baby steps are important! XOXOXO
Cathe, first I want to congratulate you for your honesty in sharing your diagnosis. Clinical depression is no picnic. I was formally diagnosed fourteen years ago, was on anti depressant medication for a few years and (most importantly) I was in therapy for five years. I was never embarrassed about my diagnosis (are folks embarrassed about diabetes or heart disease?)
I want to share with you something, losing weight will not get rid of depression. Depression is an illness that is not ‘caused’ by anything. It’s a mental illness that needs to be healed by medication (sometimes) and therapy (always). Lots of people casually toss out “I am depressed” failing to realize that its a DISEASE. We don’t casually say ‘Oh I have some cancer’ or ‘I feel a bit diabetic’. It upsets me when healthy people say ‘I feel depressed’ when they mean ‘I feel blue or sad or unhappy’…. Healthy people don’t crawl into bed for months on end, refuse to eat and basically can’t talk or interact with friends or family, healthy people don’t consider ending their lives…I was that person who was not mentally healthy, lost twenty pounds in three months and didn’t start healing until I landed in a psychiatrist’s office.
Do you know when I realized that I was beating this? When I lost my brother to a brain tumour, my MIL and my own Mom in a three year span and I had the strength within to deal with that grief. I am no longer on meds and only see my therapist as needed. I consider the depression a chronic illness that could pop up any time only I now have the skills to recognize its approach and how to deal with it. There are several modalities that will help me deal with a short visit but I can also recognize depression unpacking a suit case for a longer stay and that’s when I call on my support team.
Depression is serious and although I applaud you moving forward with losing weight I strongly encourage you to seek out a good therapist. Thin or not you will still have depression until you get to the root of it (after my twenty pound loss I was the thinnest I had been in years but still depressed) Some one once said everybody should go to therapy at some point in their lives, its an opportunity to embark upon a journey of self discovery. You’ll unearth a lot of shit that you never knew you were dragging around….you will feel lighter and so empowered.
Cathe you are an amazing woman and such a motivator for so many of your fans, be well girlfriend, your family, your husband, your beautiful grandson and Chippy need you to be happy and healthy….and so do you!!
You know my email if you ever need to talk, get in touch XOXO
Momcat
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience, Momcat. You have had an amazing journey to regain your mental health. Lost one of my brother in laws to suicide (which had to be caused by untreated depression). Not only would the family not admit the cause of death to anyone who asked (including the priest who did the mass and burial), but they flat out denied that he was mentally ill. He had to be! I am positive my mother dealt with very serious depression as well. No one EVER talked about mental illness being linked to depression. This really should be brought out into the open to help reduce the stigma still attached to it. Grief is the worst, and I had my most recent bout earlier this year when I had to say good-bye to my constant companion, an almost 16 year old basset hound. While I would imagine grief feels like depression, I was able to work my way out of it, so that would be different. Hope Cathe continues talking about her journey, so we can all keep talking about this.
Hi Al, and thanks so much for your comment. You are absolutely a million percent correct. Losing weight will not cure depression (I actually wanted to tie two blog posts into one–maybe it was an error in hindsight). I’ve been depressed through thicker and thinner. I’ve been depressed since childhood. I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my adult life. I had to literally throw away every belt in the house–and I’m sure you can fiture out the reason for that one. I don’t ever want to get to the point where I go through with an action that cannot be undone.
My present therapist seems to be good. She’s listening to me and giving me cause to figure out some issues. When I was on a cocktail of meds, they worked at the time but as I improved, clouded my mind. My med of choice was always Zoloft. I’m trying to see if I can do this now without meds but if I need to go back on them, I most certainly will.
Mental health and emotional health remains swept under the rug. And needs to be brought to fruition. It’s always there. It’s kept at bay then one little trigger can bring it back to the surface. I’m grateful that you shared your thoughts and experiences because every word you wrote is so true! XOXOXOXO
Oh woman! This entire post is resonating. Loudly! I’m sitting here at my desk with my belly poking out and my jeans pinching. I want them off. I never want to wear pants. I never want to leave the house any longer. I get all of this. I just turned 67 and was diagnosed with depression as well. Man!! Loved reading this and I’d love to join you on your journey, well, maybe only in my head. I keep thinking I need to join OA to help me stop thinking about eating, obsessing about eating, eating. Love you and it looks like many others do as well. xxoo
Deborah. Hopefully, I’ll be able to give weekly updates on the weight loss. It;ll be good for both of us. OMG. The effing pants. I’m actually wearing shorts as I write this. Two weeks ago I couldn’t snap them but because I’ve been diligent, today they are snappable. I’m not wearing a bra though. It’s too hot and uncomfortable so I’m giving my girls the freedom they deserve!
We should form a Depression Brigade! It’s astounding as to how many of us are diagnosed and yet, still gets swept under the carpet–am I right? XOXOXOXO
I’m so glad you shared your depression. Having shared a great loss at the same time(Dec 2019) I totally related to you. Please continue to tell us your journey it makes me realize I’m not alone. And I love your blog! You are so upfront about all your experiences so please continue
Hi Jane! And thank you so much for your support! I will continue. Trust me, I’ve read too many blogs that are smoke and mirrors and life isn’t like that. LOL–someone has to be truthful–right! ?? XOXOXOXO
Glad to see you back writing; always enjoy your posts. The topic of mental health is such an important one, and I will be here to cheer you on and learn along with you as you share your journey. My life has been touched by multiple people who have suffered from severe issues and never once sought help. The main change that affected my body when the pandemic hit, was having to switch from a gym to working out at home —- I weight train and like many others, I was left with no equipment! Even though I did yoga and orange theory with online classes, I could not get the results I wanted without weights! Strength training is so important for us women; we need to remain strong and independent as we age! It took months to obtain dumbbells due to high demand and supply chain issues. My husband and I literally ripped out carpet in a spare bedroom, put down rubber mat flooring and had a large mirror installed so we could have a home gym. We just have dumbbells and an adjustable weight bench, but it works! Have not gained weight, but my struggle was to see some of my hard earned muscle slip away without just a basic set of dumbbells. I think your swimsuit is flattering and you look good in it! Personally, I have always preferred elegant, well fitted one pieces to a bikini.
Just read your blog after doing my regular morning weigh-in. 148lbs. Having lost 21lbs a few years ago and kept them off I managed to maintain my weight last year, but this year has been different and difficult. I should be 140. It’s not a huge gain but has crept on over the last few months and my clothes are now TIGHT.
This makes me unhappy, so I feel for you that your unhappiness is depression. We are all cheering for you to both lose weight and overcome your “black dog” (that’s what Winston Churchill used to call his depression).
You still look fantastic in a swimsuit. I would be over the moon to look like you do.
Best of luck
Susan D
Hi Catherine! I only recently “found” you and find your blogs and Instagram delightful. Sharing glimpses of your life has been uplifting and I am so happy to hear you plan to post on a more regular basis.
It is amazing how we can appear to the outside world with a “not a care in the world” demeanor while we are being torn apart on the inside. Trust me, I know. But It sounds as if you are taking care of your mental health.
Waking up this Monday morning my first thought was (as usual) time to get serious about the weight loss journey. And then ironically I got online and read your blog. Perfect timing! You may not need me, but I need you. We can do this TOGETHER! There is no greater motivator than accountability. Let’s share our successes and failures! Thank you for giving me a shot in the arm to get back on track.
Our personal financial health is such a personal issue and I don’t mean to overstep but I have read how your professional life is less than satisfactory. You probably have, but if not, can I suggest a financial planner to walk you through how many years it will take you after the age of 70 to make up the money you are currently walking away from. It is quite amazing how much less we can survive on when our hearts are happy!
Thank you for being you.❤️
Hi Eyebob! OMG. Thank you so much for finding my blog! Yeah. Depression is just such a weird thing. Happy on the outside but cracking in spirit. I’m taking care of my mental health as well as that weight issue. I’m being very accountable on the WW app. With a big family party in September coming up, if I can drop ten by then it will be a good motivator. Definitely let’s do this together! XOXOXOXO
I’m on the same weight-loss wagon…riding it kicking and screaming, but thankfully I hopped on…I signed up for NOOM but quickly un-subscribed….just didn’t think it would be the best approach. Drinking lots of water, careful with the bread intake, and no snacking after dinner. And forcing myself to get out and move…way too much sitting and doing all the law stuff. I love your approach to all the crap that life throws at us…take it all on with being positive, tough, and lots of spunk!
As always, Catherine, you are an inspiration….my husband always asks “how is Atypical doing?”…I just chuckle and say, she’s doing great and she often is! 2 days till my birthday…69…such craziness filled with love!