If you are a regular to this blog, then you are fully-aware that I’m all about proaging, age inclusion, celebrating our privileged decades and that I abhor anything “Anti-aging”.
If anyone thinks a cream with take away every wrinkle and line and give them baby-ass soft skin, you are not only delusional but you aren’t the brightest lightbulb in the lamp!
This is what aging looks like in all its natural splendor. And lines. And age spots. And redness..
Seriously, aging is to be celebrated and cause for being happy.
The Frenchman and I celebrate aging all the time!
But there are certain aspects of getting older that…. well…. just may be a bit difficult to wrap our heads around. It goes deeper than the lines on our faces. A bit more disturbing than turkey neck, a double chin and crepe-paper skin hanging down off our limbs.
That wrinkled neck..
Lest we forget Lady Whiskers!!! TIP: Have a tweezer in your car. Auto light is the best light to pluck those pesky chin hairs. No wonder they call it “men’opause.
And today, last Wednesday, my friends, I had an epiphany of sorts. (I started writing this last Wednesday) This epiphany hit me just as I was having a scan of my mouth and jaw. It hit me that the scan, due to an implant that I’m having on a back molar, was just another excuse for the medical field to see how my old, and most likely deteriorating bones are aging. All my life, I’ve had ridiculously strong teeth. Now, I’m having two implants and two crowns. All molars.
Yeah. I was having a “mouthagram”
Back to the scan and epiphany. The scan was earlier in the morning. The dental technician placed one of those anti x-ray vests on my body that made me look like a school crossing guard. I had to pose standing very still. I couldn’t move. I had to clench a little plastic thingy between my front teeth, bite down and remain still while the scanner moved around my jaw, covering bone and teeth, and roots. I likened it to a mammogram for teeth.
Seriously, I did feel like a school crossing guard with that heavy X-ray vest. I wanted a stop sign though. I want to stop taking all these medical tests!
Last Wednesday, I had my annual mammogram. As is my usual exhibitionist self, I took that robe that opens in front off simply because if one is taking deep photos of my titties, like Brooke Shields in her Calvin’s, nothing comes between my titties and the mammogram machine. Nothing.
And so, I had to pose in various positions, remain still, not breathe—it was very similar to my tooth scan.
Ever the exhibitionist , I go completely topless. It’s more comfortable!
And the Wednesday before that, I had a bone density scan. Again, I had to remain still.
Dem bones o’mine are stronger than these guys. I drink plenty of milk!
And the Wednesday before that, my lady parts were prodded and poked and smeared.
God only knows what kinds of mold were visible in my dried up old love canal! As long as it’s healthy, I’m good!
And I realized that this was all part of aging.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had mammograms since I was 35, but as I age, I become more anxiety-ridden when that annual exam arrives.
My rosary beads are always in my purse. These days I use them more than when I was younger–and for better reasons!
I’ve had bone density scans where my doctor happily told me that I must drink an awful lot of milk (I do. I still do) because my bones were dense. These days I worry that the bones that were once incredibly strong are growing brittle—like the candy and will snap at any given time.
And the lady parts. Let’s just say that I did have a discussion with my wonderful doctor about …OMG, this is so embarrassing but needs to be addressed…about…leaking orifices that are normally covered by my panties. Yes. BOTH orifices. But I don’t have to wear special panties just yet.
The Beatles sang “It Won’t Be Long” I sing the same tune because it won’t be long until I’m wearing these!
And when you are practically besties with your eye doctor because he’s operated not only on you, but on your husband!!
I had cataract surgery during lockdown. My husband had his last week!
Yeah. Welcome to the other side of aging. Women will talk about Pap Smears and mammograms but do they ever have a conversation that starts like this:
“Oh, so I went through almost a half a roll of toilet paper this morning wiping my butt! Can you believe it? And it is getting more difficult to bring my arm around the back of my body to do this. I want a bidet!”
Really. Do we honestly need to have this sort of conversation? The answer is “Yes”. We need to!
Get away from my supply of toilet paper. This is a day’s worth!
And there’s more!
I also use those rosaries before I start running to the ladie’s room at work because I don’t want to pass gas…
Sorry not sorry for offending you–my butt trumpet is playing a concerto as I walk!
I don’t know about you, but these days I need to lean against a wall when I step into my trousers/pants/jeans. It’s ridiculous! If I don’t lean against a wall, I start to wobble and sometimes fall forward! And I’m not one to fall and not get up either. I can get up fine. It’s just that these days, I need to be cautious when I’m dressing.
It’s true. Especially when I’m taking my pants off, I need to stand against a wall just to keep my balance!
And it isn’t just pants. When I wear tights (in the winter), I have to literally lay on the bed, position my legs in the air, then proceed to roll the tights over my feet, to my ankles, and the second those tights are placed under my knees, I jump off the bed, and do a shimmy dance to pull said tights up to my waist.
Now you know why I prefer to go bare-legged!
Snow. Ice. Freezing weather. I’ll go barelegged because it’s a process to put tights on at times!
Lest we forget about boots? The Frenchman is my personal form of “Assisted Living”. I lay on the bed while he takes my boots off. This is excitement.
Oh darling. Undress me. Please…..I can’t do it myself! Honestly, this gives new meaning to assisted living!
Don’t even get me started on morning stiffness. When I wake up, my heels hurt for a few moments and I’m stiff until I start running around. At night I get Charlie Horse cramps in my legs. This shit never happened when I was younger.
And let the younger generation of workers refer to me as a “F*cking Boomer”. Yeah. I am a Boomer and quite frankly, very proud of it. You see, my boomerism, along with my parents, has given me a stellar work ethic. I’m always on time (for dr. appts., church and work). I’m empathetic to the wants of others (most of the time) and I comply with traffic rules!
Boomers have a great work ethic. We don’t call out on Monday morning due to a wild weekend. Nor do we have to take a day because the kids are home from school. We have a lot to offer in the workforce. Too bad most American companies are ageist.
I can still rock. Jimi Hendrix and The Kinks, along with Led Zeppelin will forever be in my heart and on my iTunes!
My beloved Jimi. You had me the very first time I heard your version of “Hey Joe”
And any recreational drugs we may have taken as young’uns are now replaced with Acid Indigestion medication to ward off GERD and heartburn!
Taking two before meals really keeps my GERD at bay.
I shan’t retire my short skirts. As long as I shave the thighed burns, I can romp around gloriously in these wonderfully comfortable items of clothing.
Still wearing short skirts. Doesn’t matter what age I am, I’ll always wear my shorter skirts. It took me longer to get my tights on than it did to apply my makeup that day!
Move over Moira Schitt! I’ve been wearing fake hair way before you but I’m enamored with your collection and the way you wear your hairs!
My titties are real but my hair is absolutely fake!!!
The Superbowl Halftime Show? I got up off the sofa and twerked my way through the spectacularness of Marshall Mathers, Dr. Dre, Mary J. (my queen) Blige and Fifty Cent—All either 50 and over or on the cusp of 50! Exception was Kendrick Lamar–but that proved our aging folks aren’t ageist!
That half-time show was EVERYTHING! And the average age of the performers was on the cusp of 50!
So yeah, ageing is challenging at times but it’s a privilege to do so and I wouldn’t have it any other way!!!
And I can actually get up after playing on the floor with Chippy……as long as there is a wall nearby for me to lean against!