A Funny Thing Happened to Me on The Way to Pro-Aging. I Realized I’m Old!

If you are a regular to this blog, then you are fully-aware that I’m all about proaging, age inclusion, celebrating our privileged decades and that I abhor anything “Anti-aging”.

Anti Ageing Cream Ad Template | PosterMyWall

If anyone thinks a cream with take away every wrinkle and line and give them baby-ass soft skin, you are not only delusional but you aren’t the brightest lightbulb in the lamp!

This is what aging looks like in all its natural splendor. And lines. And age spots. And redness..

Seriously, aging is to be celebrated and cause for being happy.

We Attended a Wedding! We're on the Way to Normal! | Atypical 60

The Frenchman and I celebrate aging all the time!

But there are certain aspects of getting older that…. well…. just may be a bit difficult to wrap our heads around. It goes deeper than the lines on our faces.  A bit more disturbing than turkey neck, a double chin and crepe-paper skin hanging down off our limbs.

40 CREPEY Skin Home REMEDIES

That wrinkled neck..

This Is Why Those Wiry Hairs Suddenly Appear On Your Chin—And How To Get  Rid Of Them - The Dermatology Specialists

 

Lest we forget Lady Whiskers!!!  TIP: Have a tweezer in your car. Auto light is the best light to pluck those pesky chin hairs. No wonder they call it “men’opause.

And today, last Wednesday, my friends, I had an epiphany of sorts. (I started writing this last Wednesday) This epiphany hit me just as I was having a scan of my mouth and jaw. It hit me that the scan, due to an implant that I’m having on a back molar, was just another excuse for the medical field to see how my old, and most likely deteriorating bones are aging. All my life, I’ve had ridiculously strong teeth.  Now, I’m having two implants and two crowns. All molars.

Yeah. I was having a “mouthagram”

Back to the scan and epiphany. The scan was earlier in the morning. The dental technician placed one of those anti x-ray vests on my body that made me look like a school crossing guard.  I had to pose standing very still. I couldn’t move. I had to clench a little plastic thingy between my front teeth, bite down and remain still while the scanner moved around my jaw, covering bone and teeth, and roots.   I likened it to a mammogram for teeth.

Jim Watson on Twitter: "I'm pleased to proclaim 21 May 2021 as Adult Crossing  Guard Appreciation Day in the City of Ottawa. Thank you for your dedication  and reliability through adverse weather

 

Seriously, I did feel like a school crossing guard with that heavy X-ray vest. I wanted a stop sign though. I want to stop taking all these medical tests!

Last Wednesday, I had my annual mammogram.  As is my usual exhibitionist self, I took that robe that opens in front off simply because if one is taking deep photos of my titties, like Brooke Shields in her Calvin’s, nothing comes between my titties and the mammogram machine. Nothing.

And so, I had to pose in various positions, remain still, not breathe—it was very similar to my tooth scan.

Ever the exhibitionist , I go completely topless. It’s more comfortable!

And the Wednesday before that, I had a bone density scan.  Again, I had to remain still.

Skeleton Dance Halloween GIF by Squirrel Monkey

Dem bones o’mine are stronger than these guys. I drink plenty of milk!

And the Wednesday before that, my lady parts were prodded and poked and smeared.

God only knows what kinds of mold were visible in my dried up old love canal! As long as it’s healthy, I’m good!

And I realized that this was all part of aging.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had mammograms since I was 35, but as I age, I become more anxiety-ridden when that annual exam arrives.

My rosary beads are always in my purse. These days I use them more than when I was younger–and for better reasons!

I’ve had bone density scans where my doctor happily told me that I must drink an awful lot of milk (I do. I still do) because my bones were dense. These days I worry that the bones that were once incredibly strong are growing brittle—like the candy and will snap at any given time.

And the lady parts. Let’s just say that I did have a discussion with my wonderful doctor about …OMG, this is so embarrassing but needs to be addressed…about…leaking orifices that are normally covered by my panties.  Yes. BOTH orifices.  But I don’t have to wear special panties just yet.

The Beatles sang “It Won’t Be Long” I sing the same tune because it won’t be long until I’m wearing these!

And when you are practically besties with your eye doctor because he’s operated not only on you, but on your husband!!

I had cataract surgery during lockdown. My husband had his last week!

Yeah. Welcome to the other side of aging. Women will talk about Pap Smears and mammograms but do they ever have a conversation that starts like this:

“Oh, so I went through almost a half a roll of toilet paper this morning wiping my butt! Can you believe it? And it is getting more difficult to bring my arm around the back of my body to do this.  I want a bidet!”

Really. Do we honestly need to have this sort of conversation?  The answer is “Yes”. We need to!

Get away from my supply of toilet paper. This is a day’s worth!

And there’s more!

I also use those rosaries before I start running to the ladie’s room at work because I don’t want to pass gas…

Sorry not sorry for offending you–my butt trumpet is playing a concerto as I walk!

I don’t know about you, but these days I need to lean against a wall when I step into my trousers/pants/jeans.  It’s ridiculous!  If I don’t lean against a wall, I start to wobble and sometimes fall forward!  And I’m not one to fall and not get up either. I can get up fine. It’s just that these days, I need to be cautious when I’m dressing.

It’s true. Especially when I’m taking my pants off, I need to stand against a wall just to keep my balance!

And it isn’t just pants. When I wear tights (in the winter), I have to literally lay on the bed, position my legs in the air, then proceed to roll the tights over my feet, to my ankles, and the second those tights are placed under my knees, I jump off the bed, and do a shimmy dance to pull said tights up to my waist.

Now you know why I prefer to go bare-legged!

Snow. Ice. Freezing weather. I’ll go barelegged because it’s a process to put tights on at times!

Lest we forget about boots?  The Frenchman is my personal form of “Assisted Living”. I lay on the bed while he takes my boots off.  This is excitement.

Oh darling. Undress me. Please…..I can’t do it myself!  Honestly, this gives new meaning to assisted living!

Don’t even get me started on morning stiffness. When I wake up, my heels hurt for a few moments and I’m stiff until I start running around.  At night I get Charlie Horse cramps in my legs.  This shit never happened when I was younger.

And let the younger generation of workers refer to me as a “F*cking Boomer”. Yeah. I am a Boomer and quite frankly, very proud of it. You see, my boomerism, along with my parents, has given me a stellar work ethic.  I’m always on time (for dr. appts., church and work). I’m empathetic to the wants of others (most of the time) and I comply with traffic rules!

Boomers have a great work ethic. We don’t call out on Monday morning due to a wild weekend. Nor do we have to take a day because the kids are home from school. We have a lot to offer in the workforce. Too bad most American companies are ageist.

I can still rock.  Jimi Hendrix and The Kinks, along with Led Zeppelin will forever be in my heart and on my iTunes!

My beloved Jimi. You had me the very first time I heard your version of “Hey Joe”

And any recreational drugs we may have taken as young’uns are now replaced with Acid Indigestion medication to ward off GERD and heartburn!

Taking two before meals really keeps my GERD at bay. 

I shan’t retire my short skirts.  As long as I shave the thighed burns, I can romp around gloriously in these wonderfully comfortable items of clothing.

Still wearing short skirts. Doesn’t matter what age I am, I’ll always wear my shorter skirts. It took me longer to get my tights on than it did to apply my makeup that day!

Move over Moira Schitt! I’ve been wearing fake hair way before you but I’m enamored with your collection and the way you wear your hairs!

My titties are real but my hair is absolutely fake!!!

The Superbowl Halftime Show?  I got up off the sofa and twerked my way through the spectacularness of Marshall Mathers, Dr. Dre, Mary J. (my queen) Blige and Fifty Cent—All either 50 and over or on the cusp of 50! Exception was Kendrick Lamar–but that proved our aging folks aren’t ageist!

INGLEWOOD, CALIFORNIA – FEBRUARY 13: (L-R) Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, Dr. Dre, Mary J. Blige, 50 Cent, and Snoop Dogg perform during the Pepsi Super Bowl LVI Halftime Show at SoFi Stadium on February 13, 2022 in Inglewood, California. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

That half-time show was EVERYTHING! And the average age of the performers was on the cusp of 50!

So yeah, ageing is challenging at times but it’s a privilege to do so and I wouldn’t have it any other way!!!

And I can actually get up after playing on the floor with Chippy……as long as there is a wall nearby for me to lean against!

About Catherine

Far from perfect, but enjoying life as a non-perfect and flawed individual at 60 years young. I'm still wondering what I'll be when I grow up! The characters in my life's screenplay include my better half. He is a refined Frenchman who grew up in Paris and summered in St. Tropez. I grew up in Long Island and summered in Long Island. I am not refined. My three grown children are also a big part of my life. For their sake, they happily live where their careers have taken them! But I can still mother them from a distance! I write about the mundane. I write about deeply shallow issues. But whatever I write or muse about--it'll always be a bit on the humorous and positive side! It's all good!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

41 Responses to A Funny Thing Happened to Me on The Way to Pro-Aging. I Realized I’m Old!

  1. That was one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! Lady, keep sharing….from one boomer to another….we’re still enjoying life.
    Before all those machines and tests, if we were still alive at our ages, we’d have been toothless, boobless, shorter, and with orthotic looking shoes on our feet, only dreaming of Paris…because we wouldn’t have thought of actually leaving the neighborhood!

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Sharri! And I’m thrilled that you enjoyed this post. You know, I’m so mentally exhausted of the “inspirational” quotes that bloggers of our demographic use. I’m also exhausted with older bloggers taking themselves so seriously. We need a truthful but funny post because you just have to laugh! But you’re so correct. My own grandmother, OMG, I loved her so much and she was the greatest–but she looked matronly and I’m sure she was younger than I ever imagined! XOXOXOXO

  2. Fiona says:

    Bwah hah…you did make me laugh about your mouldy love canal! I won’t tell you about my last smear, all I’ll say is it was bloody painful. You usually wear a gown then in US when you have a mammogram? In UK we go topless. As for wind, the older I become the worse it gets. Pas élégante !

    • Catherine says:

      Fiona. Ugh. Those effing lady part exams. I swear if I was a billionaire I would check myself into a hospital and have them take my reproductive organs out. Leave the cottage bare!! I honestly don’t understand why they give us robes for mammos. Like nobody ever saw titties before? We’re so prude here in the USA. LOL. My ass is a symphonic instrument!!! XOXOXOXO

  3. Yep, you got it right. I’m 81 so I understand it all. Aging sure isn’t for sissies but I’m so glad I’m still here. I so enjoy your sense of humor. You go girl!!!!!

  4. Suzi says:

    Cathy this was so funny because it is so relatable! And seriously makes one feel less like “I’m the only one”.

  5. neatmessy says:

    So funny! I could relate to all of it!

    • Catherine says:

      First off. I love your moniker. Neatmessy. That’s my life. I’m neat and messy. Thank you for that because it made me smile. LOL. And I’m glad you enjoyed this post. I’m honestly thrilled that the responses were so positive all around! For once I didn’t offend anyone…………yet! XOXOXOXO

  6. Momcat says:

    Writing this and laughing so hard that I’m off-gassing!! I so hear you about all the sh@t! Last time I had a Pap smear the doctor (hmm who is no longer employed at the clinic) stated, while JUDGING MY LADY PARTS…’you do know that if you don’t use it you lose it’!!! As if it was on loan and it would be repossessed. I had been sick as a dog for eight months and had two emergency surgeries on my large bowel and she was counselling me on the Joy of Sex?! I think I farted in her face…because two bowel surgeries can make the ole butt very vocal at inopportune times! Ask my husband..we’ll be watching TV and it sounds like a brass band playing. Then my four year old grandson announced that I had ‘long boobs but still had hair’ he was NOT REFERRING TO MY HEAD! And doesn’t that sound like a hot description for a dating site profile..Oh man at least we can laugh about it. I keep my Granny’s bequeathed sterling silver and Austrian crystal rosary in my purse too..my Aunt passed it to me before she died on the condition that she would be laid out with the rosary…my cousin leaning over to me “because she’s all about the bling, I’ll get them back to you when they close the box”. When I switch bags Granny’s beads are first to move if I don’t pray with them they could be used as a weapon. As my late brother used to say getting old isn’t always fun but consider the alternative. He didn’t even get to see 65 or his two grand children..yeah I’ll take getting old(er)

    • Catherine says:

      Hey Al, My baby brother didn’t see past 50. (BTW, his widow just got engaged). So yeah. sagging tits, a noisy sphincter, dried up lady parts are far better than the alternative. The rosaries though. We buried my brother with the same rosaries that are in the picture. I bought him a pair when we were in Paris after learning he passed away.
      LOL. And guess what I’m doing after I reply to everyone? I’m going upstairs to pluck a few surprises off my chin! XOXOXOXOXO

  7. Barb says:

    Thank you for these blog posts. You describe this stage of life so accurately, I was laughing out loud. You are the best! Thanks again!

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Barb and thank you! I’m so happy that everyone who has responded is on the humor train here. It’s true–right? This stage of life is very different from our younger stages and as long as we have our wits about us, we’re good! XOXOXOXO

  8. Marsha+Banks says:

    I can’t go topless to my mammogram! I have to walk down a short hallway and no one needs to see these saggy boobs! And, the gas! I just always make sure I’m by my dog or a young kid who looks like they could have gas! I always used to secretly chuckle at my favorite aunt…she walked like a sailor just returned to shore duty! Now, guess who’s rocking the sailor waddle? Ah, Karma…she’s such a b*tch! If my nether region even thinks it has to pee…well, let’s just say that’s the fastest I move ever! Thanks so much for the giggles, Cathe, as well as the knowing I’m not alone!

    • Catherine says:

      Marsha–you are certainly not alone. I love your strategy of being near your dog or a young child. Next week I visit my grandson–I’ll have to put the blame on him for some unique bugle sounds and aromas! BWAAAAAAAAAAH. In the morning as soon as I get out of bed I walk like that sailor!!! It’s so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are most welcome for the giggles! XOXOXOXO

  9. Teresa says:

    I really appreciated this! We aren’t honest enough about what’s going on with our bodies as they age. There’s a new surprise every day! But just like you, I want to own it – every ache, pain, weird feeling. All of it. Because although the aches and pains don’t define me, they’re still a part of who I am now! Thanks again!

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Teresa! It’s so true. We definitely need to own what’s going on. And we need to do it with honesty. I get really upset when I see mature bloggers shilling clothing and supplements that I can attest they don’t use. I’m tired of seeing these older women on Instagram and Youtube who filter the shit out of their faces. One look at their hands and we know you are old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And our bodies make noises these days. A crack here. A toot there. A belch out of nowhere. It’s a surprise and far better than the alternative. So happy that you enjoyed the post! XOXOXOXO

  10. Miss Bougie says:

    Oh, the giggles!!! Thanks for making my day! I’m but a couple of years behind you and now I know what’s in store for me. I do know though, that I don’t have the stamina I used to have. We moved 3 weeks ago and am still trying to get over the exhaustion. Hugs.

    • Catherine says:

      Hi B!! Oh. Print this post and hang it on your fridge for the motivation! LOL. Yeah. The stamina thing. I lack the stamina I used to have as well as the patience!!!! Take it restful after your move. Hope you popped open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate! XOXOXOXO

  11. junedesilva says:

    Aging is definitely not for the faint-hearted but it’s definitely better than the alternative. I love this post! You always make me smile and laugh 😊 and your honesty is impressive. Thank you and please don’t ever stop blogging! Bises 😘

  12. jlhgardens says:

    Love it!! Fun read today. I’m in my mid 50s but have lousy knees (arthritis) and have had both surgeries on both shoulders. The mammogram & pap smear comments made me laugh! Never pleasant but oh-so-necessary!! It’s definitely harder to bend down, especially in the morning. I keep active and go to the gym 4-5 times/week and cycle a lot in the warmer weather (I live in Ontario, Canada). Yoga is great for balance, which we all need to maintain as we age. Hang in there!!

    • Catherine says:

      Hi J! OMG. I definitely need to get some Yoga into my life! Ugh. The mammo is the worst. I get so stressed and anxiety-ridden but it is a necessity. Thank you so much for enjoying this humorous glimpse into aging! XOXOXOXO

  13. You look great! I was stiff in the morning too, until I started doing yoga. Give it a try. As long as you can still get up off the floor you should be good. 🙂

    • Catherine says:

      Julie. Wen my daughter was living at home during college breaks, we went to a yoga class. It was so crowded and I was so grossed out by hairy man feet that I didn’t go back. I honestly have to give Yoga a second chance. I’m actually perusing the net for DVD’s–beginner so that I can do this at home! XOXOXOXO

  14. vavashagwell says:

    hahaha. Great post and so very true. Getting older is a privilege. I’ve lost so many friends too soon. The image that really cracked me up is the farting potato. LOLOL.

    • Catherine says:

      Vava. I literally had to run to the bathroom after I saw that potato because I needed to go pee-pee. I laughed that hard. And on the way to the bathroom, Ilooked like that potato!
      Getting older IS a privilege! XOXOXOXO

  15. Joan Brown says:

    Your hilarious post is so on point. I am crying laughing!

  16. Maryellen says:

    Thank you for this! I thought the farting was only me. Seriously, I did! What in the world causes it?? My strategy is to walk away from people nonchalantly, release it as quietly as possible, and then casually rejoin the group. Now I wonder if every other woman of my age knows what I am doing?! Too funny. And the bidet? Yes, please! Because how the heck will I reach back there when I am old(er)???

  17. Toni Soucie says:

    Cathe

    Love this blog. It is so funny, relatable and, my gosh, so true. Aging isn’t for the faint of heart but hell I will take it with wrinkles, gas, dried up parts and all. Being diagnosed with breast cancer at 50 and now looking at my 67th birthday on April 18th, I embrace aging but I do it with makeup, fake hair and dressing as stylishly as possible.

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Toni. And might I add that you are aging beautifully! You youngster, you. I’m two days older than you.It’s weird to me because 67 sounds so much older than 66. LOL. Age is just a number anyway! XOXOXOXO

  18. SusanD says:

    Oh so funny and so true. Nobody tells you the truth, do they? The result is that you think you’re the only one. Well now we know we’re not the only one, we’re members of a wonderful club.
    It is of course better than the alternative. My grandma was 72 when she died and had always seemed so old. I’m 73 and am definitely not OLD just on the slow road to OLD in the company of amazing women.
    Carry on with your thoughts even if we have to wait for them – all the more enjoyable for the wait.
    SusanD

  19. cathetf says:

    OMG, we are soul mates! Yup, yup and yup, been there this week.

  20. Di says:

    Hello Cath,
    your blog is funny funny funny. I love your attitude towards all of this aging
    business– take it all with humour. Love the way you write and and the way
    you keep yourself smart , and stylish looking with fashion and WIGS. Thanks
    to you I have started toying with the idea of
    purchasing some wigs, The beauty salon is getting so pricey every month with coloring ,
    styling etc. You are my favorite wig reviewer – as I do not wear a pixie, I have the
    same wig preferences as you, shoulder length, face framing. etc.
    PLEASE MAKE MORE WIG REVIEWS,,,you do them so well and they are my favorites!
    Stay well and happy !
    regards, Pokey

  21. Juliet says:

    Fabulous!!! I think I like pro-ageing, although as bits wear out and might need replaced I think I will then claim I am “multi-age” as everything is going to be different periods. We are tough enough to ride this age thing, for some more delicate souls that have come after, I am not so sure…. we need to keep laughing and supporting each other as age is not a competition but more an adventure that we didnt quite sign up for

  22. Kathleen Van Saun says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ll be 82 this July, and have few contemporaries left. It is so empowering to learn all these age related changes are actually normal! I call it our planned obsolescence. Thanks for making me feel part of the club.😆💕

  23. legacy says:

    If only all could age so beautifully and still find the time to laugh about it! You look fabulous!

Leave a Reply