A Part of My Youth Died This Week—Waking Up to Reality!

So, this past Thursday, January 19, 2023, I had my annual OB/GYN checkup.  I have extremely bad doctor anxiety which has made me put off going to my primary doctor for a regular checkup.

Gynecological Chair" Images – Browse 676 Stock Photos, Vectors, and Video |  Adobe Stock

I don’t even bother covering up any more….I shake too much to even try to put it on–that’s how much doctor anxiety I have!

I do the eye doctor. I do the colonoscopy doctor. I do the Ob/Gyn and the Mammo.  All with the exception of the eye doctor leaves me in a state of such bad anxiety that it’s difficult for me to function.

Lin Manuel Miranda Doctor GIF by Golden Globes

Web MD is WORSE than ANY online bullying. Every. Single. Day. I have a symptom to Google. And every doctor’s visit I’m told to keep off of the internet as a doctor!  Yesterday I threw up. I thought I had an ulcer but it was due to tasting bad garlic. TIP: If you think something is bad, just throw it out. Don’t eat it or you’ll throw it up. True story!

Just HOW much of a medical-anxiety person am I?  This email arrived from the International Beauty Show in NYC.  I thought it was about Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Yes. I did!

Anyway, I went for my lady parts exam. And as soon as she said my parts felt fine, I relaxed a bit.

90 Day Fiance Reaction GIF by TLC Europe

Yeah. After I arrived home from the office, I relaxed with a hot bath. No rose petals because they would make me sneeze. No bubbles because they dry my parts out.  Just hot water and body scrub. I did have an anxiety-filled moment when I cut my leg with the razor I shaved with!

She asked me about my grandson, of which I explained that he’s beautiful, funny, smart and adorable and  at almost two years old, he’s big brother to 4-month old Bennett!  The doctor got a kick out of that and mentioned my daughter and son-in-law aren’t wasting any time.  We had a really nice chat.

And now there are two little ishkabbibles to talk about!

Then she came in with her concerns: my blood pressure and my weight.  My blood pressure was high. Not alarmingly high but high enough for her to tell me to go to my primary doctor.  She also expressed concern regarding my weight and where the weight was settling. The fat wants to stay in and around my gut.

Animated GIF

I’m not completely screwed. I love salt-just call me Bambi.  I hate exercise.  I cannot manage stress.  But–I don’t smoke. One out of four ain’t bad!  Yes it is.

At 165 pounds it’s increasingly difficult to lose.  My “ideal” and most comfortable weight has always been between 135 and 140 pounds.  I was close to that before my brother passed away. Then things got weird.  Lockdown happened.  The job I had at the time was making me miserable and my solution was emotional eating.

And as I write this blog post, I’m having a banana. And rather than shove it into my mouth, I sliced it, put the slices in a ramekin and I’m eating this banana in a more refined manner!


Some people lose their appetites during certain life events and stress.  I eat.  And eat. And bake. And eat. And cook. And eat.  Gobble. Gobble. Gobble it all down.

Presently, I feel like a puffer fish with the energy of a slug.

My doctor is correct.  I need to change my wicked ways. And when I got back to the office after my exam.  I ate three squares of Ghirardelli Chocolate and Sea Salt Caramel Squares.  And a turkey wrap sandwich.

Ghirardelli Sea Salt Caramel Dark Chocolate Squares 5.32 oz | Casey's Foods

What else would one eat after being told by the doctor to lose weight?

Then I arrived home.  While changing I was perusing Facebook and came across a post by a friend.  David Crosby, the musician, died at 81 years.

Honestly, the news of Crosby’s passing hit me like a ton of bricks.  I think because it made me aware of my own mortality. He was only fourteen  years older than I am. And three years older than my husband. It’s scary.

This hit me like a ton of bricks and I’ll tell you why—but I have to find the proper wording and explanation so here goes…

Music is an important part of my life. Incredibly important. Music is calming for me. Music brings wonderful memories. Music got me through rough spots in my life and great spots in my life.   Christmas music makes me ridiculously happy! Classical music is my deep-winter jam. There isn’t a day that goes by when I’m not listening to music.

Mad Genius christmas santa jazz santa claus GIF

Christmas 2022. The year of my “Christmas Jazz” playlist!

Pop music came into play when I was a young child because my mother always had the radio on.  When I stayed with my grandparents and Aunt Terry during the summers as a kid, all songs from the British Invasion were playing on New York Radio Stations of WMCA and WABC.

File:WMCA Good Guys 1964.jpg

These guys. If you are a New Yorker or grew up in the New York City area, you listened to them before school and after school.  

…and you also listened to WA Beatles C radio with Cousin Brucie.

And my favorites have remained. Favorites like the Kinks, Jimi Hendrix,  The Beatles, The Beach Boys and Dusty Springfield.

I love the Kinks. I’ve seen them more than once. And the crush that began on Ray Davies when I was nine years old never ended!

From the time I was around nine or ten, music has always been under my pillow in the form of a transistor radio, on the radio in the house stereo, in the car, in the cassette tape player, in the CD player and now on my iPhone!

Restoring the World's First Transistor Radio | Nuts & Volts Magazine

My little transistor radio was very similar to this. I would listen to it at night under my pillow. During the day it was oftentimes a challenge to get reception unless you moved the radio a certain way.

Then I left the young years for those pre-teen and teen years—and music became even more important.  And this is where David Crosby enters my music life.

David Crosby | Music Videos, News, Photos, Tour Dates | MTV | Rock and roll  fantasy, Rock music, Crosby

This is the way I remember him the most. That longer wavy hair and mustache!

The Byrds.  In 1965 just before I was almost ready to enter into the awkward years, I heard the slightly tinny, almost garage-band sound of The Byrds. Their huge hit, Turn Turn Turn , wasn’t written by any of the members of The Byrds but was written by Pete Seeger.

Why was David Crosby fired from The Byrds?

I love this photo of Crosby in his Byrds years.  Who knew he would go on to be the founding member of one of the greatest American rock groups of all time?

David Crosby was a member of The Byrds. I didn’t pay much attention to him at the time because Roger McGuinn was the “cool” Byrd sporting the Granny glasses he turned into an iconic ‘60’s look.  And Crosby wasn’t as cute as Chris Hillman but Crosby was talented in writing and playing guitar.

David Crosby's Hilarious Reason for Being Fired by The Byrds

More Byrds with Crosby!

With his volatile personality—he left The Byrds in 1967 for another group—Buffalo Springfield and was a vocal and musical part of the anti-Vietnam War anthem “For What it’s Worth”.  And FWIW, Stephen Stills didn’t write this song as an anti-war anthem. It was written regarding the LA Sunset Strip Riots curfew in 1966 but turned into an anti-war song.

David Crosby Filled In for Neil Young

Crosby (left) in his Buffalo Springfield days. Richey Furay (later of Poco) and Stephen Stills (of…CSN, CSNY and Manassas)

Again…our spirited David Crosby ended up leaving Buffalo Springfield to start one of the greatest, most influential and memorable bands—Crosby, Stills and Nash, in 1968.  I was 13 years old.

20 best Stephen Stills songs from Buffalo Springfield on - azcentral.com

1968 pic of Crosby, Stills and Nash. Why does David Crosby look like he has something naughty up his sleeve? Stills looks like such a prepster!

It wasn’t until 1969 that I really started to listen to CSN. Their first album was played over and over and over and over—I now listen to it over and over and over on my Spotify!

Crosby, Stills & Nash 1969 Album Cover Location

Not only an iconic album but an iconic album cover. This album basically defines my youthful teen years. I still listen to it regularly!

Crosby wrote one of the most beautiful love songs, “Guinnivere” about the three loves of his life at the time. And yes. One of them was Joni Mitchell.

Joni Mitchell's 'Blue' at 50 - The New York Times

Crosby with one of his Guinnevere muses–Joni Mitchell.  She dumped him for Graham Nash. 

With the addition of Neil Young, CSN became even more of a super-group. And the hits came. Déjà vu is one of my favorite albums.

Déjà Vu' at 50: Album Review

Another album I listen to regularly. Sometimes I like this better than the CSN album then sometimes I don’t!

David Crosby’s “Almost Cut My Hair” remains, to this day, my favorite song on the album.  I think it may have inspired my love of long hair on my sons—even though they cut their hair and I still beg them to grow it long……….

My boys back when Jake had long hair and a beard. Roman’s hair never grows that long but he can rock a ‘stache from time to time!

But there’s more to this and I’ll explain.

Those teenaged years, for a great number of us, are awkward and challenging. Unless we were born high-school perfect, especially girls (not being sexist—just blunt).   Many of us didn’t have that beautiful straight hair or perfect skin.  We were coming into our own and yet, didn’t really know ourselves.

Awkward Smile GIF

Yeah. Those years were definitely awkward for me. 

For me, I wasn’t a “popular” kid nor was I a social outcast. I was somewhere in the middle. Just your average high school co-ed.  I had friends—mostly from my Catholic school days, but didn’t have a huge list of them. I honestly preferred to be by myself.  However, I enjoyed just being friendly to my classmates.

What Are You Celebrating Fred Armisen GIF by Saturday Night Live

Yeah. I was pretty-much satisfied with being average. Smack in the middle–a safe place to be when you’re a teen!

One boy in particular, and I remember his name, Eddie Gleckler, made fun of my crossed eyes at any given opportunity, letting me know how ugly I was; but I shrugged him off as a douchey thing.  Still, it made me very self-conscious. He wasn’t a bully per se—but he was a very mean boy.  And mean boys grow up to be mean men.

Laugh At Ha Ha GIF by filmeditor

I would say he was akin to Scut Farkas of  “A Christmas Story”.  Mean. And quite honestly, there weren’t many mean kids in the schools I attended but I HAD to catch the attention of this one.

And going home, turning my stereo on and listening to David Crosby’s soothing voice, made me realize that everything would be okay.   I knew despite my imperfections that I would be someone’s Guinnevere someday.  And although I also thought I would have a boyfriend with long hair—it never happened. All my boyfriends had shorter hair-with the exception of one who had a beautiful head of curls.

The Complications of David Crosby

Surprisingly, Crosby’s soothing voice was a great comfort to me.

Crosby, even with his volatile personality, was a good man. He was the bio-father of singer Melissa Etheridge’s children. That’s a true act of friendship.

Mellissa Etheridge and David Crosby smiling

This photo from The Advocate says it all. What a great friend to donate his sperm. Melissa Etheridge was lucky to have him as her children’s bio dad!

Twenty-five years ago, he took Grace Slick to rehab—basically saving her life. Only a true and loving friend would do that.

No photo description available.

Quoted by Slick:  “The only famous person I know is David Crosby. We’ve rescued each other numerous times for drug-related problems but we’ve been sober for a long time now.” – Grace Slick

So, here’s to you, Mr. Crosby.  You didn’t know me, but I knew you through your music. You helped me to get through those awkward years.  You also gave your musical gift to my three children who adore the Déjà vu album. They listened to it as children.

David Crosby turns 81: Looking back at his career and controversial life


Thank you David Crosby for bringing me through those teen years into adulthood–and I’m still enjoying your music!

You’re passing has made me realize my mortality and the mortality of those I love and those I’m quite fond of.

I’m old now. And at times slightly awkward and still average but I hear your voice and am still soothed. So thank you again.

Thank you.


About Catherine

Far from perfect, but enjoying life as a non-perfect and flawed individual at 60 years young. I'm still wondering what I'll be when I grow up! The characters in my life's screenplay include my better half. He is a refined Frenchman who grew up in Paris and summered in St. Tropez. I grew up in Long Island and summered in Long Island. I am not refined. My three grown children are also a big part of my life. For their sake, they happily live where their careers have taken them! But I can still mother them from a distance! I write about the mundane. I write about deeply shallow issues. But whatever I write or muse about--it'll always be a bit on the humorous and positive side! It's all good!
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24 Responses to A Part of My Youth Died This Week—Waking Up to Reality!

  1. Marsha L. Calhoun says:

    Yes, sometimes a particular passing hits you hard. They say that gratitude is good for you, and this post is so full of gratitude – for those you have loved, and for the life you have lived and loved so far. Inspiring. Thank you.

  2. junedesilva says:

    Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young were part of the soundtrack of my student life. In 1974 I saw them in concert with Joni Mitchell and The Band at Wembley. How lucky was I?!

  3. Loved this! David Crosby was a huge part of my ‘playlist life’ too. Along with The Monkees, Eagles, Chicago and later – Santana (FM album!) among others. And nowadays I listen to Dua Lipa, Lizzo, Nathaniel Rateliff, and Chris Stapleton, among others. Music has always been a huge influencer in my life!

  4. Sandy Scott says:

    “The music that touches you in your youth is magnified as you get older. Each record can be a virtual time machine – all you need is to hear a second or two and you go back to that place and time when you first heard it. It’s a brilliant feeling when music touches you so profoundly and stays with you through time.” – Rob Halford

    My husband is terminally ill, and the above is why Led Zeppelin (and others) will be played at his end-of-life celebration. We met at age 16 and we are now 66.

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Sandy. I pray that your husband is not in pain during this time. He’s a Zep fan? Kasmir and Houses of the Holy. I’m a big Led Zepplin fan. BTW, I love that quote you wrote. It’s so very true. I much prefer the music I grew up on than today’s ! XOXOXOXO

  5. Sandy Scott says:

    I really hate bugging you, but, Girl, I sure wish you’d tell us the name of the wigs you wear in your posts! I think your style and mine are similar and I always love them!

  6. artbooks117 says:

    I so relate to all you said except I’m 3 years older than you, born the year of the Rabbit as we are in now. You told my music story except my first loves were Motown, Tony Bennett & Bob Dylan… And when I was 16 ran into CS&N. Loved ever since.

    • Catherine says:

      Hey Artbooks. I LOVED Motown as well–especially Aretha. Chain of Fools is one of my favorite songs–and that opening riff is perfection! Hmmm…I am a Bobby Darin kinda gal instead of TB!! Have you heard the Dylan song Winterlude? It’s beautiful and I had it on my Christmas playlist–although it really isn’t a Christmas song–it’s just really sweet. But CSN were the best! XOXOXO

  7. Maryellen says:

    That is really beautiful.
    I had not thought of Cousin Brucie and the transitor under my pillow in years. Thank you for bringing back those fond memories.
    David and Joni remind me that relationships don’t need to last forever to be true and deep love. That’s my story and so theirs soothes me.
    I am in the exact same place as you in terms of weight. 165 now when I should be 145. I swear this time that I will keep it off when I lose it – my life long promise.
    What can we do except be kind to ourselves in the crazy thing called life?

    • Catherine says:

      HI Maryellen, Cousin Brucie was the best. It’s too bad that AM hit radio has gone into extinction. I miss those musical days. The David and Joni story is one that should be turned into a movie –maybe someday it will be.
      And let me tell you–that 20 pounds is so freaking difficult to lose. And I wish you great success with it! XOXOXOX

  8. marsha57 says:

    This post has me feeling so many things. First, music, too, has been the background of my life. Back in the days when AM radio was king, my mom always had W0W0 on…it was THE station in Fort Wayne, IN for so many years (sadly, it’s now a conservative talk radio station). I remember listening to all the bands you’ve listed. Occasionally, Mom would actually buy a 45. One of the biggest events to happen at our house was when she had saved up enough money to buy a stereo console! When I was a preteen (I think), I got a tape recorder/radio for Christmas. That meant I could create my own mix tapes (I guess I was ahead of the times) and record the songs I loved. I would spend hours listening and hitting the two buttons I needed to hit in order to get the song perfect! I was so irritated when djs talked over the opening words! I will never forget having to save up babysitting money in order to buy blank tapes!

    I am with you on the long hair, too! I still drool over guys with long hair and can’t understand the attraction of short hair. My husband had long red hair when we got married. Today, it’s no longer red, no longer long, and, in some spots, no longer even there! My youngest was the only guy in his graduating class with long hair. It was easy to pick him out. Unfortunately, he decided to cut it and has been cutting it shorter ever since.

    I am not musical and can’t sing a note, but my youngest definitely can. He’s been in bands since his junior high days. Just the other day, he texted me and said he could definitely blame knowing the band Whitesnake on me, but he forgave me because I also introduced him to the Beatles! So, yes, music is and always will be an important part of my life. And, just like you say, it’s so hard to say goodbye to David Crosby because that voice was made for making beautiful music to grow up with. This is a beautiful tribute to him.

    Last thing, and then I’ll stop. I am totally with you on the weight gain. I have always struggled with my weight, but all of a sudden, I have this doughy tire around my middle! How the heck did that get there? It’s very discouraging, and WW doesn’t help me because of their new point system! A white potato, just because I said I liked them, is zero points? I am determined to lose this weight (and the tire) this year because life is too short to be unhappy.

    Beautiful post, Catherine. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

    • Catherine says:

      HI Marsha. Oh those old AM hit radio stations. I think all of them are now talk radio stations. I can’t listen to talk radio–especially when it’s conservative. I’m to moderate-to-liberal leaning. Your mom sounds like she was really cool!
      And yeah, why don’t more guys have longer hair these days. It just looks better. BWAAAAAAAAAAHHH_All I can think of regarding Whitesnake is Tawny Kitean on that car during the video. But isn’t it great when our kids love the music we grew up on.
      Ugh..WW is really getting on my last nerve with the “freedom” they pontificate. I thought about Noom but read that it’s super difficult to unsubscribe. I’m trying to just eat more sensibly–even though I want cake! LOL! XOXOXO

  9. Ann Burke says:

    I remember cousin brucie! I grew up in NYC at the same time period. Liked all the bands mentioned also Poco, JJ and the Holding Co, the Rascals, and Buffalo Springfield, Jethro Tull. Spent time atMax’sKansesasCity ;
    Filmore East and Cbgb. Loved the village vanguard!
    Great post! Tks

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Ann, I saw the Kinks at the Filmore-Ray Davies was drunk and was throwing beer at the audience. It was great! I also attended quite a few concerts at the old Academy on 14th street. Hot Tuna and Papa John Creach. We basically had the same taste in music. LOL. Max’s Kansas City and CBGB’s–nothing today can compare to those places! XOXOXOXO

  10. Such a lovely, thoughtful post. As a child of the sixties people like Dave Cosby, Joni Mitchel remind me, not just of my youth and the importance of their music, but also a time when we felt optimistic with widening horizons. Thank you for another piece well worth reading

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Christine. It certainly was an optomistic time. Our music expressed all the changes we were going through and hit both sides with the war protests then about love and happiness. I’m thrilled that my own children are fans of the music of this era. Roman is quite the Joni Mitchell fan. For me, she’s a musician that has just grown so much from that Laurel Canyon vibe to Jazz and she’s quite the talented painter as well! XOXOXO

  11. miatsakpina says:

    What a great tribute. So relatable as another “average” girl of the ’60’s. Came to know them and their music during my university years.

  12. vavashagwell says:

    I consider myself lucky to have grown up in the same era (I’m a couple of weeks younger than you) and so totally understand how you feel. Unfortunately, the day David Crosby died, my husband’s best friend in the entire world did, too. It has been a very sad few days since then, something you don’t move past quickly.

    This friend had esophageal cancer, went through chemo, had surgery to remove the tumor. During recovery he was on a feeding tube. Later on, the esophagus ruptured and several surgeries were performed to reconstruct it, but ultimately he had to have a stent put in and he remained on the feeding tube in his abdomen. As time went on, he wasted away to just skin and bones. We knew the end result wouldn’t be good, but when the time eventually came on Jan. 19, the immense grief still hit. Through it all, I admired his courage and strength. I hope David Crosby didn’t suffer as our friend did.

    • Catherine says:

      Oh Vava. My deepest condolences to your husband and you. OMG. That’s tragic. I hope he and Mr. Crosby are up there or whereever their spirits are and having a great afterlife! XOXOXOXO

  13. Margaret says:

    What a touching tribute to David Crosby, I enjoy his music too. Now he’s in Heaven so all the other great musicians who have gone before him. What a band that must be! So sorry to hear about your brother, I bet your beautiful grandsons help keep you in good spirits. They’re so adorable!

    • Catherine says:

      Hi Margaret. Yeah. That David Crosby passing really hurt. I like the way you think though–he’s with all his musician friends–some great band there. Oh my little grandsons are everything! XOXOXOXO

  14. Barbara says:

    You brought back some great memories of listening to AM radio in bed after lights out. Mine was white, with a leatherette case, thank you very much! We lived near the ABC radio tower, and oddly enough, you could hear the station through the phone.
    I was at the CSNY concert in Roosevelt Stadium Jersey City August 8 1974, when they announced Nixon would resign the next day. Felt like I was apart of history. Thanks for the walk down memory lane.
    Good luck with the weight, you are not alone!

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