NOTE: “Who Dey” is a Cincinnati Bengals thing. But I felt like “who dey” read on and you’ll understand!
Even though Christmas is my favorite time of year and I love and enjoy cooking and baking for this festive holiday, this year we did things differently.
Every year I bake a ton of different cookies–this year “Emma’s Goodies Sugar Cookies” were added to the mix and were a huge hit!
My daughter, Oona, has the same “Christmas Ideology” as I had when my children were growing up. As soon as the children were able to realize the concept of Santa Claus, I never left the house during this holiday. I hosted many a Christmas because I wanted Jake, Roman and Oona to relish and enjoy the gifts they received.
We always stayed home. Middle pic is Jake with Uncle Tommy (my brother). Other than toys, the kids always looked forward to new winter jackets..
…while a much-leaner version of me was constantly cleaning up and rearranging.
Jake with Santa at Macy’s. This was around 1986 when Roman was a baby.
Now that Owen realizes that Santa will visit his house, the time has come for Oona and Sam to remain put so the boys, Owen, and Bennett, enjoy the day just as she and her brothers did.
I cleared it with my job before I started in November that I would need time off (without pay) to travel to Cincinnati for Christmas. In all honesty, had they said no, I would not have taken the position.
Let me backtrack a bit before moving on.
Since we would not be home for Christmas, my husband was unusually happy that we didn’t have to get the “big tree” for the living room. That meant not arguing over which type of fir or how large it would be or the price. It also meant not having to clean random needles six months after the fact.
No big tree this past Christmas. Just the little fake one in the sun room. And now this tree is in storage until November!
However, I would not back down completely. I embellished the bannisters with lights, greenery, and ribbon. I added a few decorations and, the fake Christmas tree that stood in the sun room took on new life and additional ornaments after almost two years. (Don’t judge me on that one).
Bannisters were embellished with greenery, ribbons and then lights..
I hung wreaths on indoor doors as well as outside..
..little touches such as this Christmas tote from years ago and..
…pillows added a festive touch to the downstairs family room that nobody uses..
…and Santa is enjoying the lone club chair!
Gifts for the boys were mostly ordered from Amazon so it would be more convenient as we were driving and the car wouldn’t be loaded with gifts. We did buy a few items for the boys in Paris. Clothing. Sticker books and ornaments among other little extras.
I baked a ton of cookies. Corn cookies. Oatmeal Raisin. Nutella Cookies. Double Chocolate Cookies. Compost Cookies. And Barefoot Contessa Outrageous Brownies.
I started baking right after our Thanksgiving trip to Paris!
Organization was key and the packing of clothing was done a week ahead.
We picked Roman up at the Paoli train station as he was driving with us –with three of us driving, it would be a cinch to travel to Cincy. Roman arrived late Thursday evening, December 21st. We all got a good sleep, woke up the next day a5 5:00 AM and hit the road by six.
Everything was at the ready. Clothes. Baked Goods. Extra Christmas Gifts. We were organized!
I had my Spotify playlists at the ready. Classical for my husband for his portion of the drive and Christmas music for me and Roman and Phish for Roman as well. The great thing about heading out early in the morning for a road trip means no traffic on the road and we hit it right! EZ Pass on the dashboard, the drive went well.
Need a Christmas Album to listen to? THIS has been on my Christmas playlist the past two years. My favorite song “The Merriest” is on here and is wonderful!
We hit the PA Turnpike, and, for several hours would be on this route. The thing is, it is pretty-much a straight drive from Philly to Cincy. I hadn’t any idea how truly rural it is once you leave the Philadelphia area behind and move forward.
We saw a lot of barns.
I had no idea Pennsylvania was so…so..farmy!!
We drove through a few tunnels and over bridges.
I got bored during the drive so made artsy black and white photos. I don’t know whether this bridge was in PA or West Virginia.
We stopped only twice for gas. Once at a PA Turnpike place with restrooms (which were very clean), and nothing to eat but fast food. Thankfully, I had healthier snacks (not much healthier) in the car.
The rest stops were actually quite nice!
I think my GPS stated that the drive takes 9 hours. We made it in 7.50.
The drive with Vincent and Roman was like Talladega Nights! Vincent as Jean Girard and Roman as Ricky Bobby.
Vincent and Roman decided to do the driving and told me to just sit back and listen to the music. ………………. I wonder why.
We arrived at Oona and Sam’s in record time and it was so wonderful to see them. Especially my babies! Jake arrived from LA earlier in the morning and he and Roman were staying less than a mile away in an Air B & B while Bonne Pa and Gam-Gam stayed in the house.
Pre-Christmas fun with Owen and Bonne Pa!
As it was Friday late afternoon, we had time to relax and watch Christmas movies with the boys and had a quick dinner. Then it was more movie time and hanging around.
Saturday was a fun day. We headed into Cincinnati proper to the Christkindlemarkt at Moerlein Lager House. This is across from Great American Ball Park where the Cincinnati Reds play.
It was a blustery, gray and rainy day but it didn’t stop us from having fun!
To say we had a great time would be an understatement. Owen and Bennett were hysterically funny with their politeness to the waitstaff. Any time a server would approach the table, the boys would say “THANK YOU” at a New York City decibel level. This was both entertaining and appreciated by the staff, but I thought it was so funny. And I mean that in the best way possible.
It was there I tried a delicacy that had escaped my palate for a lifetime. Fried Pickle Slices. It was the first time both The Frenchman and I tasted them and we could not get enough. Roman informed us that the fried pickles at Moerlein were exceptional and not every place has them as good.
I’m not a fan of pickles nor am I excited about fried foods but these fried pickles were incredible!
We ran the gamut of omelettes, eggs benedict and Goetta hash. Wait! What’s that you say? You don’t know what Goetta is? I didn’t know until Oona became engaged to Sam. Goetta is a sausage of sorts made with ground pork, oats, and spices. It sounds disgusting but is quite good and is found only in Cincinnati. It goes back to the days of German settlers.
Goetta hash with eggs. It’s really quite delicious!
The morning was cold and rainy but the rain let up enough for us to stroll around the market..or “markt” as it was. We spotted the characters from the movie “Frozen”. Many vendors were opening their little stands for the day and the crowd started picking up.
It was a cold, damp day but we had a lot of fun!
Owen was a bit shy about meeting the Frozen characters but Uncle Roman went with him!
That night Oona, Sam, Jake and Roman had reservations for dinner at Sotto, a popular Italian restaurant. Vincent and I babysat for the boys. Babysitting for Owen and Bennett was the easiest babysitting gig I’ve ever had.
Someone is getting ready to give Bennett a cookie!
Naturally, Bennett started getting that thing where the one-year-olds, close their eyes, then jerk back, and open them wide. To me, that means time for bed and he went off to slumber beautifully. A changed diaper, placing him into his nightly wrap and in the crib.
After a cookie or two, Owen started getting tired-eyed. We both went into his room with him, read three books—and when he asked for a fourth, there was no arguing. Of course, that fourth book was read.
Left the night light on and he was good to go.
Oona and Sam were surprised that our bedtime ritual went so smoothly. I think they were sus because they were expecting things not to run smoothly. I have no comment.
The next day, Christmas Eve, Jake, Roman, Oona, Me, Vincent, and Owen went bowling. Well, Vincent watched. He didn’t bowl. Let me tell you though—our bowling excursion was a ton of fun.
A proud Owen with his uncles! It was a lot of fun!
Owen, having only bowled at home with a kiddie bowling kit, was mesmerized. We adults took things a bit more seriously. Toward the end of the second game, Owen was becoming a bit bored so we ended that.
The bowling alley had a ramp assist for the children.
Back at the homestead, The Frenchman and I ran to the Kroger to assist in some grocery shopping, while the Christmas Eve preparations were on hand. We all watched Christmas-themed movies before dinner, enjoyed a nice spread then the boys went to sleep with visions of sugarplums and other goodies danced in their heads.
We all took turns reading. The boys loved it and so did Gracie the Goldendoodle!
Christmas morning arrived and the boys were over-the-moon with happiness in what Santa delivered via chimney!
Lots of gifts!
Owen in his doctor gear playing with..I don’t even know what it is.
Bennett focusing on his wooden toys.
The easel we bought for the boys was very-much the hit!
This bouncy pit was a huge hit. Santa was generous with these two good boys!
Jake and Roman were busy at work assembling a Paw Patrol Tower which had Owen busy for hours—that’s after my boys were busy assembling the tower for hours!
The Urbanski brothers–focused only on building the Paw Patrol Tower, which, by the way, took a long time!
We had a great dinner which Sam cooked beef tenderloin a la sous vide.
Yum Yum! That Christmas beef cooked sous vide was the best!
Finally. A picture of Gam Gam with the boys–even if Owen’s head is slightly out of the photo!
And the next morning, Vincent, Roman and I were back on the road home. And just like that, Christmas 2023 was over and done.
Back on the road…
This time back to Philly.
Writing this, I’m still getting a bit emotional. And there’s a reason.
Despite the fun we had, despite being with my grandsons, and despite being with Oona and Sam, I felt like an outsider looking in. It’s weird. There comes a time when your kids really don’t need you anymore. It’s as though your purpose and your job are done.
There was a time when we were parent “super heros”. Now it’s best left to the grandkids to dress up like their heros–and it ain’t the grandparents!
To be perfectly frank, being a long-distance grandparent is a different ballgame. And I realize I’m being so “Boomer.” But…my grandparents lived above us during my first six years. And when we moved to Long Island, I spent every summer back in Ozone Park at my grandparents’ house—until I was in high school.
My Irish immigrant grandparents, Thomas and Margaret Wynne on their wedding day. I miss both of them.
My grandparents were such an important part of my life. I truly loved being with them. That will never happen with my grandchildren. I will never be an important part of their lives the way my grandparents were.
My grandma, Margaret Crowley Wynne. Lived to well-in her nineties. I loved her so much and she was, hands down, the best! I was lucky to have her as a regular part of my life!
But I think that’s part of changing. Years ago, families all lived near each other. For many of us, that isn’t an option. The kids go to college, graduate, and get careers that bring them to other parts of the country and sometimes as far as Europe.
My mom (bottom row right) with her siblings. Everyone lived close to each other. All of us cousins grew up with each other and now most of us live far from each other. Our children are all out-of-state. Very far out-of-state. The times have changed.
What will next Christmas bring? I do not know. If we are healthy, it’s all good. Perhaps we’ll go to Paris. Maybe we’ll just stay home. We can get a real tree again and I can concentrate on decorating for a quiet Holiday.
Will we stay home and get a real tree next Christmas?
Will we head to Paris and admire the tree at Galeries Lafayette? (BTW, this year’s tree was underwhelming).
Will I sit around and fill my head with memories of my childhood Christmases like this one in 1959?
I’ll let my daughter and her family spend Christmas the way they want it—as their family unit.
It’s time to be selfless–not selfish and let my daughter and son-in-law spend Christmas the way I did when my children were young and the way my siblings and I spent it. As a family unit.
This is something I want to hear from you about. Have the holidays changed over the years for you? Do you have children far away? Do you see your grandchildren regularly? I am almost obsessed with this…help me to understand!
I’m really interested in what you think. How are your holiday seasons spent? With your kids and grands? On a trip? Quietly at home?
So yeah, I’m sadly and realistically realizing there will be a day when my grandchildren look at photos of Vincent and me and say “Who Dey”? I guess that’s the way it is with long-distancing grandparents.
Aww girl, you made me tear up! We are very lucky to have our trio about a km away from us. Everybody stayed over for Christmas it was a rough holiday though. I lost my Dad in late November at 98 yrs. He was in good health until two weeks before then four days later we had to send our fourteen year old pup to his forever rest. Even though my Dad lived a five hour drive away I sure missed him but having the little guys around was so much fun. We spread Christmas out over three days. 24th their Daddy’s birthday so parteee, the 25th they do Christmas morning ( two spider men this yearLOL))and brunch then they go home….but return on the 26th for Christmas dinner (and this year a bonus second sleepover) Any time you can spend with your grandchildren is a bonus, they don’t stay little. A time will come when Oona can pop them on a plane to visit you!
I hear both you and Oona about keeping Christmas at home. As I mentioned my parents were a five hour drive away and I couldn’t do that to my kids…so we often went for New Years. When the boys were older my parents came to us over the holidays. Like you I was lucky to have my grandparents fairly close but my kids didn’t have that luxury. Now we get to be close with our grands sometimes too close..the youngest lil love bug gave granny a dose of RSV for Christmas haha!! She has christened us both with the same name: Boncare which is a two year old corruption of Grandpère and Ba (me) I guess it’s just easier to call her minions by the same name…such a princess!
Happy New Year I hope you get lots of opportunities this year to see those two cuties!
Hi Al, I loved reading about your holidays. I also like the way you section the days off. It makes a lot of sense. My condolences to you for your dad and your fur baby. It’s difficult–especially around the holidays.
And the RSV–holy shit, I’m glad you are okay. The cold I had after Christmas was mostly cough-related and I’m wondering if I had a touch of the RSV. Actually, now that it’s February, I’m looking forward to the Spring and warmer weather. My husband just lowered the heat in the house and now it’s freezing. The croissants that are proofing will now take all day!
NO. No no no, your grandchildren love you no matter where you are. I agree, it’s not like it used to be for so many grandparents these days, but what’s the alternative? Not seeing them? Absolutely not. You’ll figure it out, but please don’t give up. Just keep working, save your pennies and prioritize seeing them whenever possible. Like you write in your “About Catherine”, you can grandmother from a distance. The pictures in this Christmas entry show the love between all of you.
Thank you Colleen. Oh, I’m not giving up. I think its that thing after the holidays are over when we sometimes get a bit blue and sad. I am very happy that you validated the grands love me though! Thank you!!
Cathe, we spent every Christmas and Easter with my grandparents. I remember those occasions fondly and I can never or never will forget my grandparents! There were about two Christmases when we travelled, and those trips were memorable, but overall, visiting grandparents gives one a larger, more festive, much warmer sense of family. The visits were like pilgrimiges. Things have definitely changed these days. But if possible, if no one is ill, we still gather with cousins and siblings. I feel that families, and not just nuclear families, are the building blocks of society.
Being a fellow Pennsylvanian, yup, PA has two large cities at either end, those being Philadelphia and Pittsburg, and the middle is an agricultural area. Politicians jokingly refer to PA as “Pennsyltucky,” meaning urban areas at either end and Kentucky-type rural places in the middle.
Also, thanks for the recommendation of the Christmas Martini and Mistletoe! I listened to it on YouTube, it’s fabulous!
Great blog post Cathe!!!
Kyriaana, My grandparents came to spend most Thanksgivings and Christmases with us when we were kids. My mother was a wizard at making a roast–but Turkey wasn’t her jam so every Thanksgiving she had the Turkey catered–which may be why I can’t stand Turkey for Thanksgiving! But being with my grandparents for the holidays was great!
LOL. Pennsyltucky–I have never heard that and now I’ll over use it! But I was astounded at the farm land! I thought all of PA was Cheesesteak and Philly pretzels!!!
My gran lived with us when we were little, until she passed. I was about 14, I think. It was wonderful having her, my Mom had to go to work when Dad became disabled, so she taught me to cook, and to sew. We had the most wonderful times at Christmas.
Things change. That’s all I can say…for good, for bad, but they change. I really wanted, when I was grown and married, to spend Christmas at my home and not travel the hour to near Cinci. Later, when Dad passed, I wished I had traveled to them more. Then Mom moved close to us and we all had Christmas at her house-the three of us, eventually our kids.
When Mom passed, my sister in law said to me ‘now it is up to you to keep the family together.’ So I do, even though travel, jobs, limited time and illness all factor in. I learned to take what I can get-sometimes everyone, sometimes one brother, sometimes a nephew, sometimes a daughter with grands. We do love them all, right? It’ll be ok. Figuring out a new way is not a static thing either. Like I said- things change.
OH! Almost forgot-goetta is the greatest food ever! I learned to make it from my Mom, and now my brothers wait in line for it. It sadly is a tradition that will probably go with me, as no one else seems interested in learning how to make it. They only want to eat it!😂
Susan. Hold on there!!!!! I would LOVE to make Goetta from scratch. I could impress my son-in-law who grew up in the Cincy area–and my grandsons would love that their gam gam can make it. At Oona and Sam’s wedding reception, during cocktail hour, little mini-goettas were passed around. They were all gone before I could get any. I was so upset.
But yeah. Things change. For me, holiday season is the best time of year and I become very selfish. It’s time to bring in the selfless behavior moving forward!!!
If you can manage it when your little boys are a little older, I recommend doing what we’ve done since our first – and very independent-grandchild was about 3: we started what we call “Grammie Camp” every summer where she’d come stay with us for about 5 days and we’d devote ourselves to doing things with her. Her cousin began joining us when she was 4 (she was less independent at 3). When each got a little brother we began “Poppy Camp” (their name for their grandfather) where the two boys get their own week with us. We now take them to the beach for a couple of nights during each “camp” which of course they love. The time away from their parents is good for all concerned! Of course we’re exhausted by the end, at ages 71 and 74.
One set of grands now live nearby after we moved to be closer (previously had been a 4 hour drive) and the other live in Alaska. I make a photo book for each grandchild after every camp which they love to look at (and they’re now 10, 8, 6 and 6). While we make a point of going to see our Alaskans quarterly (unless they’re down our Seattle area way) we have made seeing all our grandchildren a priority in our lives. We travel abroad twice a year but not for more than 6 weeks at a time. As our eldest edges towards middle school and ever greater independence we are critically aware of how quickly these early years pass by. Good for you for insisting on your Christmas holiday with your kids. Someday you’ll forget about your job but you’ll never forget about the special times you spent with your littles.
Hi Elizabeth, Grammie Camp sounds like a fantastic idea. Especially after I retire. As I’m working full-time it wouldn’t be possible at this juncture but I see that camp in a couple of years! Thank you so much for the suggestion!
Hi – I understand your feelings…adult children do not need us in the same way but I think it is imp. to interact with our grandchildren on a regular basis. I send cards to each of them regularly just to say I love you. We FaceTime…which is challenging with the little ones but at least I get to see their sweet faces for a few minutes. I am 4 hrs. away from the farthest ones and see them every 5-6 weeks…me driving there the majority of the time as is is easier than them loading 3 little ones and driving 4 hrs. I get that you must go 7.5-8 hrs. so that is a lot but maybe using a Thurs/Fri.vacation time and going every few months? My husband goes maybe 30% of the time I go but I like the time alone to stop where I want to stop, call old friends and catch up, listen to podcasts, etc. Would you drive yourself there? Also if your daughter invites your for Xmas…go, if you want to give them their private time, go the day after Xmas or stay in an hotel (or wherever) but do not miss that special time with them when they are little. I hope I do not sound preachy…..you asked for thoughts so sharing mine. Hugs.
Hi Nancy. You’re definitely not sounding preachy at all. Now that I’m working for the state of PA and have low seniority, it’s not easy for me to get time off. (Blog post to come soon about that. It isn’t a career it is a paycheck). And the drive is taxing. Flying is expensive from Philly to Cincy. If we are invited next Christmas, we will be there in a flash. But I think it would be best to do what Roman and Jake did and stay in an Air B & B.
I just sent the boys an oversized package of lots of gifts for Valentine’s day! My little men!
Ohhhhhh, you got me started. My son and his wife live in DC, which is not far from NJ but they are both busy professionals with their careers and they have friends so I only see them 3-4 times per year and only for a day or two each time. I do not see them for Thanksgiving and don’t think I ever will again because my DIL’s parents have Thanksgiving and we have Christmas.
My daughter is way up in Portland, Maine. She is not yet married although has been dating someone for two years. If she marries and has children, I think I will lose her to Maine, if you will, meaning she will then spend the holidays there. Yes, I can visit but I am getting older. Currently I also see her 3-4 times per year.
Will getting together with them continue? I don’t know. But we had this Christmas and more memories were made so I will be content with ‘now.’ I miss them a lot. As in A LOT. Sometimes I wonder if they miss me and when I think they don’t it makes me sad. But, when I am thinking correctly, I realize that they don’t miss me a lot because they know they have me still – meaning I am only a phone call away and I will do anything to help them anytime anywhere, so why do they need to miss me?
I would love to have one more day with them when they are children and here with me again. I would love that for my parents and grandparents too. There are a lot of people I miss.
BUT, to cheer you up – I am divorced too and have not found a mate and so I am here alone. Friends, yes, but that is so different from a partner. You have your Frenchman, so do count your blessings.
Hi Maryellen. Ohhhhh. I definitely count my blessings. Like you, I often wonder if my kids miss me. My guess is not really because they have their own lives. However, I’m looking forward to this summer! Oona and Sam have a wedding so we will be babysitting the grandsons for the weekend. I can’t wait. It’s fun time!!!
It sounds like you had a lovely holiday and based on that, I would imagine that your children would at least for now want to continue to get together as you did this year. Traditions do change, of course – they have changed in our family – and when the time is right what you’re doing will change, too, and it will happen organically – so, not something to worry about now!
Having said that, I’m thinking how great it will be when you and the monsieur can take your grandkids to France! My sister and I are already planning to take her granddaughter (my grandniece) to Paris as soon as she’s ready for the trip. It was thrilling for my husband and I to introduce our kids to the city and that’s something for you to look forward to, I think – Owen and Bennett’s Christmas in Paris with Gam Gam and Bonne Pa.
By the way I’ve made that drive from Philadelphia to Ohio and it is beautiful and yes, quite rural. The PA Turnpike during the summer was stunning!
Thanks Debra. Oh yes! I would LOVE to be in Paris with the grandkids in a few years. I could be back in control–LOL! Seriously, it was a great Christmas but it was…different. And I need to come to grips with the fact my own babies aren’t babies anymore. It’s tough at times when the kids grow up and leave!
Oh those grandbabies…. just ridiculous levels of cute, they really are adorable. Yeah Christmas changes once your kids are grown and flown as it were (although Mr 30 is still home, he has autism – really bright but yeah he ain’t leaving and he isnt that in to people or a job, sigh…), the daughter spent her Christmas in New Zealand with my side of the family and has been spoilt rotten (so much so that she has decided no longer to eat Scottish salmon but only freshly caught fish as her Uncle Garry goes fishing for her, pfffft won’t be happening once she is home to Carlisle, UK).
Its weird having to let them go and being an onlooker but it IS a sign that you did good (better than good) knowing they have values and priorities that make you proud and are doing the adult thing so much better than we could and have independence and are passing your values onwards.
It also means you are now free. You can make any plans you want (Paris? anywhere really…), our Christmas I put up a tree and decorated it without my daughter taking away the tacky stuff and hiding it from me, I had a really precious friend come for Christmas (sadly now home in Tasmania and missed like crazy), we ate exactly what we wanted without doing the traditional stuff that people insist we uphold (and then dont want to eat). It was bliss.
It also means we can make new traditions, and there is the flexibility of not having to do them at Christmas if others are busy, its still weird, but it will be OK, it can just be a bit strange making new traditions as we don’t normally allow ourselves the freedom to make changes.
It was nice to see you mention Tasmania in your comment! I have been following Cathe for many years and haven’t seen Tasmania mentioned before this! Kind regards,Anne from Tasmania.
Hi Juliet. I love your reply so much! I had no idea your son was autistic. As an aside, have you watched the Netflix series “love on the Spectrum”, it gave me so much insight to various forms of autism–especially high-functioning.
Tasmania. The birthplace of the wonderful and wild Errol Flynn!
You’re correct, it’s now time to make our own traditions. My husband gave me the eyeroll when he saw the decorations but after a couple of days, he said that he was glad I did so!
I know how you feel. I am a widow and birthed my daughter when I was 35. She, in turn, had her two when she was in her late 30’s. Any advice I offer is considered archaic. We currently live two hours apart. But, due to health constraints I am not allowed to drive to their house. I did spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. It was fine but I felt more ornamental than belonging. I was very diligent in raising my daughter to set boundaries. You once described yourself as a granola mom. So was I. I didn’t realize the boundary would be between me and my child.
Hi Charlene, I think in some ways the Crunchy Granola mom ideology hit us back in the face.
Although I’m happy to have received a text from my daughter yesterday thanking me for taking her to the doctor as soon as she reached the age to have the HPV vaccinations. It made me happy to receive that note of appreciation. But then again, when mommy is a hypochondriac………………
Our traditions have evolved. Rather than make anyone travel at Christmas, we celebrate together at our house on a weekend between Thanksgiving and Christmas: Thanksmas! The grandkids help Grandpa decorate the tree, and help with cooking, serving, and cleaning up. This year was the best ever. Fortunately, the college kids Xmas break started the week before our celebration.
Sharon. I LOVE THIS IDEA. It’s a great tradition that I could possibly steal!
Catherine,
Perhaps Christmas time is too hectic with too many expectations to enjoy the visit. And the weather is always a concern.
We have 3 local grandchildren (older teens) and 4 younger ones that live 12 hours away. I was feeling bummed this Christmas because the local family had so many friends and other grandparents to visit between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and we were their 4th celebration. They were tired and underwhelmed by the time they got to us.
So, things have evolved so much over the years with our local grandchildren and I’m trying to think of more changes for next Christmas. No, we are no longer in charge!
Hard reality. But it’s also good to know that we don’t need to be the main source of entertainment. We enjoy all of them at different times during the year too.
Hi Kate! True that is! On my end, I am a Holiday Control Freak who loved doing Christmas. Now, it’s time for me to make the changes!
I don’t have adult children, so no grands, but I have witnessed a few friends over the years, and their experiences. One friend of mine lived here in Florida, she was originally from New York. She went back to Poughkeepsie after about 10 healthy years here, to be near her family, it was not a good move. I don’t want to be morbid, but she died soon after, 2 yrs after from a sudden heart issue. She wasn’t 70 yet, but close to her birthday. She was never comfortable near the now teenager grands, and she felt like a spare wheel as she said herself. A friend from England moved to be close to family too and it didn’t work out at all. Another gal lives here in Florida just down the street from her 2 grown sons and grands. She is always available (they expect it) to be there to pick up the ‘kids’ (one is 18 and drives himself) from school every day and baby sits at a moment’s notice every day too. she’s basically raising a 9 yrs old that was born after the teenagers, she’s at her house all the time, looking at her phone, not connecting with anything, as kids do. This friend is not a happy camper at all, as much as she loves them. Do they love her as we did our grandparents (mine lived in Ireland, I was born in London) the answer is no, they see grandma as someone who’s there, like an Au Pair, that doesn’t get much respect, all told. She escapes every summer, for 2 weeks on her own, and just drives into the mountains in Georgia, she needs the ‘alone time’
Then remember holidays are very stressful times, Christmas especially.
I came from a large Irish family, even though just myself and now estranged, much younger sister were siblings. It was inevitable that at almost every holiday gathering I can recall, feelings were hurt, arguments unfurled, and hurt feelings were sprinkled all over 😉 The same happened in Rome with my husband’s group when we lived there, so it’s very common. Now I pass every holiday with my husband here in Florida, we have a delightful time, he’s Italian, Roman born, we have our own traditions with our beloved feline, and we are happy. I can’t say the same for all those who indulge in ‘family time’. It’s unfortunate, but in this day and age, I believe values and expectations have changed.
So, look forward to next Christmas and know whatever decision you make then will be the right one. XOX
Bridget. We have many similarities. I, too, come from a large Irish family. 9 siblings on my mother’s side. Every year we had a family Christmas party the Sunday after Christmas. Before the family grew to a massive size with cousins and spouses, it would be held at a house of one of my aunts or uncles, then the parties were held at the convents where my aunts, Ursuline nuns lived. And yes, every year there was discourse. Every year one of the uncles drank too much but the parties, from my POV as a child and teen were fun.
I would never move away to be near my kids. As much as I love them, they need their own lives and I would never want to be a permanent babysitter–that changes the narrative of grandparent into childcare. It is different with certain circumstances but for the most part–I’ll stay put. I see it with my husband. His granddaughter is 13 years old and doesn’t take the school bus. (don’t get me started), he leaves our house to drive 20 minutes to pick her up, drop her off at school and another 20 minutes to come home. He does this three times a week. And quite frankly, it annoys me because I feel he is taken for granted. I shall leave it at that.
Oh for sure, values and expectations have changed. Kids graduate from college and most times have no choice but to follow the money due to the cost of higher education–and following the money usually takes them far from home. It can be daunting!
I can relate to your post in many ways. When our daughter first married, her husband was in the Navy. They lived up and down the East Coast. When they had their daughter, our first grandchild, they lived in Charleston, SC. Within four months, they’d been relocated to Norfolk, VA. We would travel there as often as we could. I was still teaching at the time, so it was usually spring break and summer times. When she got pregnant with her second, her husband was scheduled to deploy soon after the little guy’s birth. I jokingly told her if she needed help after he was born (her daughter was only about eight months old when she got pregnant), she would have to move in with us. Since her husband was going to be in and out of port for months before the deployment, he told her that was a pretty good idea. So, she and our granddaughter actually lived with us for several months. It was heaven! I would rock her to sleep every night, after telling her stories and reading her books. A couple of years later, my SIL got out of the Navy, and the whole family lived with us before finding their new home about 2.5 hours south of us. Both my oldest son and his family and my youngest son also lived that distance from us. Since they weren’t moving back to us, we decided to move to them. That was a big mistake. At first, it was quite lovely. My oldest granddaughter had dinner with us every Tuesday and spent almost the entire weekend with us. I forgot to mention, we actually lived only a couple of blocks from them. My grandson wasn’t as interested in staying the night, but he would occasionally. We all baked together and frosted cookies and made all kinds of memories. But, now, they’re all teenagers and have other things to occupy their time and their thoughts (as they should). And, here I am living in a town away from my brother and sister and friends. It’s very difficult at a certain age to make new friends in a town where connections run back generations.
So, yes, times change, and being a grandparent is the best thing in the world and the most heartbreaking as you realize you aren’t the center of anyone’s world (except your partner, of course). My advice is to see those little ones as often as you can, make the memories you can, and be as happy as you can with the time you get. It’s hard to know exactly where that line is between you being a loving part of the extended family and a pain in the you know what because you’re trying to be a part of that extended family. Been there, done that…didn’t get a tee shirt!
Marsha, you nailed it! TBH, I would never move to be nearer to my children because I have no idea where their careers could take them next. Then how could I move to yet another area? And, I wouldn’t want to be a nuisance to them.I would love to see them more often but the cost of airfare from Philly to Cincy has skyrocketed since Covid ceased to be a pandemic. It’s nuts. $600 round trip from Philly to Cincy? It’s robbery. And I’ll be on a fixed income in another year with retirement (God willing). Times have changed in so many ways…..
Cath
You are making memories with your grands. Even if you aren’t as much in their lives as you’d like to be. you are their Gram Gram. As they grow up you will be an important part of their lives. I’ve seen it with my brother and family. You work at staying in touch and as they grow you’ll see the love. Your frame of reference for being a grandmother is what yours meant to you. This will be different and that’s ok. Zoom and FaceTime can be a big help to build the relationship. As they are so little now those zoom moments may be short but are important building blocks. Another thought is they may at this stage of life be a bit jealous of your close relationship with their mother. They sense the bond you have and it conflicts with their desire to have her to themselves. That will pass as they grow up. Don’t throw in the towel. As others have said it so well. It’s change and requires adjustment. Keep baking those cookies and bring them some on every visit. That is your special signature as their Gram Gram.
Hi Bonnie, Oh..I’m definitely not throwing in the towel. We do have Facetime regularly which I love because the grands are interested for a moment, then they ask for my husband, then their attention is focused on other things which is always humorous to me. Thank God for Facetime!!!!!!!!!
What a bittersweet post! But you are right, of course. The kids are indépendant now and have created their own unit. But then, part of you lives on in them, your traditions and values.
When I was little I lived in Africa and the Middle East (my dad worked there) and have no real recollection of Christmas. It was warm and sunny and we swam in the Mediterranean. Sometimes we went back to Europe during the winter and I saw my grandmothers, my grandfathers were already deceased. Then we moved to France when I was about 10 and Christmas was just my parents and I, as I have no siblings.
When I had kids the 24th was spent with my parents and the 25th at my in laws (with my brothers in law and my nieces) all of us living in the Paris region. When my In laws moved to the south of France we travelled down there during the winter school break, Christmas being celebrated on one of the days we were down there. The children were teenagers by then. Sometimes one or both of hubby’s brothers would join us.
Nowadays, withy my parents and my father in law gone, we’re back down to just our family unit. My MIL is over 90, in poor health and lives in Brittany now. My brothers in law live in Brittany and the Nantes area. So keeping the tradition up is down to me. Luckily both my children live 15 minutes away from us. The 24th my son and his wife celebrate with her family, also in the Paris region, and the 25th we get to celebrate. Just the 5 of us, no grandkids.
Belle et heureuse nouvelle année. To you and to this community.
Bougie. That’s a lovely description of your Christmases. There was a lot of traveling involved for you. Luckily, you are able to spend a quiet Holiday but one filled with the quality of family!
OH, no, no, noYou need to be with your kids and grandkids. We live about 6 hours south of our kids. We would drive up there about every 6 weeks. I would think your grandkids and kids would love to all be together and build memories together. We would drive up for various occasions. Build those memories while they are young. Because when they get bigger they will be busy with their friends and school and festivals. Of course the kids would also come to our house during the summer. So they would have fun here. I would try and spend as much time as possible together.
Cathe…I am blessed to live 15 minutes from my grandsons who are now 11 and 14. I have always been close to them from the time they were born and have a wonderful bond with them. It is difficult to build a bond living so far from your grandsons and only seeing them a few times a year but there is always FaceTime. My cousin lives in Florida and FaceTimes her granddaughter every week since she was a year old (she’s now 4). Her granddaughter knows her grandmother and when my cousin visits, they are not strangers. There are ways to connect if you cannot be physically there. My daughter thankfully has always included my husband and I in her Christmas Day tradition and I love it. I in no way feel like an outsider. I’m sure Oona and her husband loves that you make the effort to spend the holiday with them. You are creating memories for your grandsons. Toni
This is such an interesting bitter sweet subject as I have lived through this myself. We are quite near both my children, their partners and our grandchildren which is great so no need to FaceTime as we can just pop over. But Christmas is such a tricky time as their partners want to visit their parents at Christmas time, so we take it in turn. We have decided to never have a Christmas at home on our own again so we will go away when it’s not our turn. And yes, when we do have Christmas together all the rituals that you have built up when they were young change, get adapted and/or are discarded – because they have their own Christmas ideas.
Also I was a very active hands-on grandma with my first grandchild who is now 17, but I was 60 when he was born, so I was fit and healthy. Now at the age of 77 I’m finding it hard to be as helpful with a gorgeous but very active 3-yr-old Oscar and 10month old Lydia. It’s a dilemma. But I guess you have to see Oona’s Christmas dn the way it is done as positive change because your own children are developing their own Christmas rituals – it’s healthy but hard.
My family moved away from family when I was very little so we didn’t have grandparents around often. My maternal grandmother came some years and those were the best years ever! My paternal grandmother came in the summer because my dad’s sister and her family lived near her.
Two of 3 of our kids are close, as are all but one of our grandkids and great grandkids so we see them every year. Our traditions change annually as my son is getting married this year and his future in-laws are several hours away but they come when they get back. We celebrate with as many as we can every year. One grandson got married this year and another got engaged so we will probably have a big change up when the 3 newly weds start their families.
I love your blog. You feel like a friend. I discovered you on your wig reviews. I grew up close to both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides. Holidays, summers, weekends, birthdays, family reunions all involved being with family. Im 68, single for many years. I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. My 2 oldest sons live in Europe. Navigating a life vastly different than the life I grew up in. I worried my kids were missing out on what I had and they didn’t. I guess its true you don’t miss what you never had but I miss what I had. I especially miss not having any one to reminisce with. Reading your posts and others comments has felt like reminiscing with friends. Thank you.
All my grandparents had died by the time I was born in 1955, so I never had the experiences a lot of you did. During my childhood and through college, Christmas was always spent with my parents and three brothers. After graduation, I moved to the West Coast, another brother moved to the East Coast, and my folks and two of my brothers remained in Minnesota. We (and our spouses) would all try to get together each year at Christmas at our parent’s house, sometimes every other year. After our parents passed on, we didn’t celebrate the holiday together. But as a result of the pandemic, we all have weekly Sunday afternoon Zoom meetings which is fun.
I don’t have any kids, but when my nieces and nephews were young (on my husband’s side of the family) we had fun. They lived here in our town. Sometimes we all went with my in-laws to spend Christmas on Kauai. Good times. But in recent years, we’ve moved on from the elaborate holiday decorating and festivities and keep things very simple. The elders have passed away, the kids are grown and now have families of their own. I’m not sure exactly why, but there are aspects of the holiday season that rub me the wrong way these days. (Frenzied travel, commercialism, unreal expectations, etc.) I do like putting up a lot of lights though – to counteract the shorter daylight hours. I’m not exactly A Grinch, but perhaps in some ways I am!! I’m not really into religious holidays at all, it seems.