Sometimes I wonder if Bonaparte pays attention to a word I say.
I had a few high-maintenance items to take care of for our trip.
The nails were a disgusting mess. So I needed a mani-pedi. But it wasn’t just any manicure and pedicure. Since we would be away for just shy of three weeks, I decided to get a gel mani-pedi. The gel polishes last longer and really—they don’t chip off.
In addition, my fingernails were in such awful shape I decided to have a set of acrylics put back on. (Don’t judge. My nails suck). Under normal faux nail situations, I like a longer nail. However, with going away, I decided to go for a shorter, sportier look.
See how pretty my old lady hands and feet are with my new gel mani-pedi? You just cannot go wrong with a bright red. It’s the new OPI gel color of “Big Apple Red”! (No. Not named for the computer store.)
I am very fussy, though, about the shape of my nails and had them rounded out.
I also saw Adam, my hair saint, for a color and blow out. Oh. And while I was at the salon, I also had to make a future appointment for Oona. She’ll be here in August and explained that it was of dire importance that Adam cut her hair.
As usual, he made my hair look spectacular. If it looks this good clean, can you imagine how great it’ll look as it gets dirty? I may not wash my hair the entire time we are away!
Lastly in my cloud of high maintenance was the spray tan. Yes. I decided to go, not for the gold, but for the delightfully delicious bronze. The fact is, I actually told Bonaparte that I was going to get sprayed but, he either forgot, he didn’t pay attention, or he tuned me out when I spoke of this procedure.
I’ll get to the actual procedure later. But when Bonaparte saw me after the spray, it kind of went like zis:
I arrived home before Bonaparte. My spray had dried and I was really loving the color of my body! I was so busy admiring myself in the mirror when Bonaparte came upstairs…
I couldn’t help myself. Between the fake tan and the big, fluffy blow out that Adam gave me, I was feeling like the
prettiest best looking, average old lady on the planet
Bonaparte: (shocked to see that my legs and arms were not fish-belly white with a tint of veiny blue). “Oh mah Got.” “Wha deed ou dooooo?”
Me: (Very happy because for the first time in my life, I was almost as dark as Bonaparte). ” I got sprayed”. “It’s a spray tan.” “I told you I was getting this done”. “I wanted to be as tan as your Mediterranean peeps!”
Bonaparte: “Wha do ou min, SPAYED?” “Oo SPAYED ou?”
Me: (questioning the word “spayed”) “I got SPRAYED.” “Not SPAYED!!” “Dogs get spayed!” “Are you calling me a DOG?” “Do you ‘sink’ I look UGLY???”
Hey! Even Chippy did a double-take when Bonaparte mentioned that I got “spayed”. I think Chippy may have gotten a bit….excited!
Bonaparte: “Non! Non! Casseeeee” “Em not cullin’ ou a douge!” “Ou look so boo-ee-fuwl wiz zuh spay ten” “Ou much monay did zis spay cos’ me?”
Me: “It was priceless” “Besides—it meks—I mean ‘makes’ me look thinner”
Bonaparte: (a bit suspicious) “Cassee.” “Ou did zis?” “Was eet a men?” “Deed ee see ou nekkeed?”
And so I explained to Bonaparte that no, it was not a man who “spayed” me. It was an adorable young woman named Alexa and I kept making her laugh with my moronic remarks!
Alexa of Luminosity . The place where you can get an airbrush tan AND get your teeth whitened in the same day! She’s a great spray tanner!
Here’s how my “spay” went. I went into a dark booth with mirrors. On the floor was a huge fan. On the walls were hooks for ones purse and clothing. There was also shelving on the wall for personal effects such as jewelry, watches—whatever.
To the right, under the sign is where the tanning magic took place.
I stripped down to everything but my bra. Yes. I took my panties off because I never had a tanned ass before and I figured what the hell.
And I wanted to explain to Alexa that I was keeping my bra on only because what if I took my bra off and then a little bit of the spray tan product seeped into one of my nipples and then I got an infection in my titties?
I didn’t want to scare Alexa with that explanation. Nor did I want her to screw up the application process of airbrushing me.
I never gave a second thought to any tanning product seeping up into my colon from the other end.
My new hairdo was protected with a super strength shower cap.
Before the color. Look how uneven and pasty my skin is. I look like a friggin’ circus clown!
I stepped onto the little towel that worked as a buffer between my precious feet and the floor. Alexa asked me if the fan was too much for me.
She laughed as I told her that my life is one long hot flash so if she wanted, she could turn the fan up a bit.
I followed her commands to put arms up; put arms down; place arms in a square position. Turn legs out. Turn legs in.
But it was the command to stick my butt out that almost made her drop the tanning applicator.
I told her I felt like Kim Kardashian when she posed with her tanned ass to the world but I looked more like Caitlin Jenner!
Actually, it’s a sad day when you realize that Caitlyn Jenner is a better looking woman than you are! But I’m glad my ass isn’t Kim sized!
When all was done, I was thrilled with the result. Kudos to Alexa for giving me the correct “color” tan. She explained to me that with my naturally fair coloring, the darkest tan would not look great. Instead, she sprayed me with a light to medium mixture.
Ten minutes after the ‘spay’! Look toward the bottom right. You can see my bra strap!
Look how ‘natural’ my fake tan line is!
I purchased some tan extender and was on my way. But—I will be back to tan my hide and to make Alexa laugh!
I had a struggle with my new selfie stick today. It was misbehaving! But 24 hours later, the tan is looking mighty good. And no matter how naughty my selfie stick is, it does a great job of making me look twenty pounds lighter! Who needs photoshop????
On the other hand, did I tell you that Bonaparte purchased a new and bigger suitcase for me? Yeah. He couldn’t process the fact that I shoved a ton of clothing into my Longchamp weekender.
We went to Marshalls and I picked out a peachy/pink number by Samsonite. I fell in love with the girly pink mostly because I know it will become filthy and raggy looking in no time. The filthier the suitcase, the less chance of anyone trying to take my stuff!
I guarantee you this suitcase will be spotted with filth by the time we arrive in France! No wonder it was in the clearance area!
Now you know why I get to sit at the “genius” table at the Apple store!
We’ll use my “big” suitcase for our beach towels (because they are heavy) and for my other “stuff” like books, journals, shoes that I forgot about packing and toiletries that would never make it through TSA.
Oh. I also decided to clean my makeup brushes before leaving. Being the lazy slob that I am, I decided to wash the brushes in Dawn dish soap. Winner!!! The grime and old makeup came off so easy. I didn’t even have to scrub!
Check out the chewed ends on some of the brushes. Chippy must’ve thought they were ice cream sticks!
One last thing. Bragging time! My nephew Matt was drafted by the Kansas City Royals. It’s a glorious moment for my baseball family. And it is also a bittersweet one because my dad isn’t here for Matt’s signing. This would have been one of my dad’s happiest life events. But hopefully he is looking down and smiling!
Hey batta batta! Oops. He pitches!!
And now I’m all caught up. Tonight we’ll have a relaxing and light dinner and I will no longer check my luggage because I just don’t want to! XOXOXOXO!!!
In honor of Matt, I want to listen to some John Fogerty! Centerfield!