Didja see the great debate last night? I was waiting for Dr. Oz to run up and treat Trump’s runny nose and sniffles! Hillary didn’t have to say much except look down at her opponent with a smirk. She looked very presidential!
No Donald. Our country is NOT in deep trouble. But it will be if YOU are elected!
At least she apologized–and ROCKED that red suit!
Not much was said about policy. And when the great Lester Holt would tell the Donald to keep on track and not interrupt, Little Hitler, Richie Rich, Baby Huey, cokehead, sniffles, schwettyballs, Trump started to get nasty with my man Lester! Quite honestly, I wanted to bitch-slap Trump upside the head, but his hair would have fallen off.
Lester Holt. I love you. But even Lester couldn’t blow a bit of class toward sniffling Trump!
Neither candidate spoke about what they would do. We were treated to another evening of spinning. And I feel the worst is yet to come in this campaign of dozens. I’m waiting for the “You Momma” insults that’ll be slung at the next debate.
I’m telling you, I was actually looking forward to watching the moronic idiots on House Hunters International with their demands for a 25-room French chateau for less than $1,000 a month!
And to think I get all worked up over the morons who move to great places like Paris and want this view for $800.00 a month. And a large kitchen. And four bedrooms. And three bathrooms.
Then I realized something. I should be running for President! Let Hillary and Donald duke it out on topics like healthcare, and student loan debt and jobs.
Shove over you two! There’s a new kid in town–one who knows how to fake tan properly!
I’ll take care of the important stuff. My platform will be “America Already IS Great—But I’ll Make It Even Greater!”
I could do that. Especially since America is already great–let’s spread the greatness!
Here’s what I’ll do:
I’ll get us out of any debt by taxing large corporations.
Those big corporations are gonna hear from ME!
As you are aware, many large, massive corporations have outsourced many jobs to third world countries. The advantage for the large corporations is that they can pay the outsourced employees a fraction of what they paid Americans. They don’t have to deal with shelling out for medical benefits or other benefits either. And the profits for the big CEO’s get larger, while Americans have lost jobs.
Yeah. How come other countries don’t outsource US? And yet, our large corporations give American workers the shaft!
As President, I will penalize these corporations with taxes so high that they will only wish they never pulled this kind of heinous employment trick on the Americans that worked so hard for them. They will have to pay a major penalty for every American who lost a job.
Remember when HR was Personnel? Yeah. Me too! I’m cleaning out this area of Corporate America. No more twenty-something HR staff. How the hell can they interview anyone over 30?
This is your typical, young HR Princess. She’s being replaced…..
They haven’t enough professional or life experience to be HR worthy.
I’m bringing Personnel back. And every corporation will hire personnel staff 40 and over. The older workers have more experience in dealing with new, current, and about-to-be-given-the-heave-ho employees. No more ageism against the older worker! Not on my watch!
With a more spunky, and mature older worker!
While we are at it, I’m doing away with “non-profit” status too. Did you know that healthcare companies and hospitals and home health care, along with many schools are “not-for-profit”?
I’ve seen the salaries of what some of the administrators are making while working “non-profit” and they are making a killing. Literally. Their salaries are killing poor people who can’t afford health care.
And all religious entities will no longer be tax-exempt.
My buddy, Hipster Jesus actually likes this idea. He said it was more Christian to give to others..and that means money!
My dear friend, Rabbi Jacob was so happy about my idea that he started dancing in the street!
I want the middle class back—and the only way that’ll happen is to make the big corporations and insurance companies pay up.
Working and Middle Class needs to make a comeback. And the “Big” guys will help with their taxes!
I’ll also put a ceiling on what pharmaceutical companies can charge for medication. During my term, all children who are allergic to bees will receive FREE Epi-pens!
I take no child left behind to the literal. ALL kids with allergic reactions will receive freebies of this. So will adults!
I’m gonna get more money from the media too.
For every issue in which a fashion magazine publishes a cover with a celebrity on it—they will be taxed. Hey! Anna Wintour! I’m talking to you!
Anna, I don’t care HOW envious I am of your hair. You have destroyed fashion journalism. I will hunt you down and fine you!
You ruined fashion publications with your constant fawning over celebrities. I’ll make sure real fashion models will grace the covers. And I mean real!
Lena Dunham as a model? She’s not even a talented writer or actor. Vogue is The National Enquirer of fashion!
I will outlaw any fashion blogger who poses Pidgeon-toed. You are not a four-year-old so stop trying to stand like one. Keep that stance and you will be broke from all the fines I will charge you. Unless you have to go “make” very, very badly, that stance is forbidden.
With all the money Taylor Swift has made, you would think she would get corrective foot surgery. WTF kind of pose is this?
From a Pinterest board on how to be a fashion blogger. Look down at your pidgeon-toed feet. Cha-ching. You are being charged!
Same with the cosmetics and fashion industries. Use celebrities in your ads and you’ll have to pay the government. We want real people. We can watch TV or go to the movies to see bad actors. We don’t need to see them in your ads.
And—there will be an even higher penalty to any company or media source that mentions the Kardashian family. I don’t believe in glorifying a family who’s claim to fame is a family member who went pee-pee on her boyfriend in a sex tape! No Kardashians.
I will have police cars on all highways and major roads in force. Not to ticket speeders, but to ticket the morons who text while driving.
Another Pinterest gem! Oops!
And then, like Edina Monsoon, I will tax the bozos who do text while driving, and who shave and read the newspaper while driving. It will be the “stupid” tax!
If we had a stupidity tax, we would be rolling in the dough!
All handguns and forms of ammunition will be banned except for the military and police. In all fairness to those who cannot exist without a gun in their home, I will make sure that former gun owners are gifted with Ghostbusters Ghostpopper guns and Proton Pacs.
Thank God for Jouets collector. It was almost impossible to find this gem. If I’m elected President, I’ll put many people back to work to manufacture these safe weapons…
And what madman with a penchant for ammunition would not be able to resist THIS?
This way the crazies can walk into any mall or movie theatre and shoot away and nobody will get hurt!
You can call me! I’ll be armed with my Presidential Proton Pac!
I will also ensure that restaurants and movie theatres are equipped with “small children” rooms. These rooms will be soundproofed. Adults will once again, be able to enjoy an evening out without having to listen to the whiney little brats that mommy and daddy couldn’t selfishly separate themselves from. You will be able to enjoy your meal and the conversation between your party and other guests.
Restaurants would have baby rooms. They can look and yell but you can’t hear ’em! Thank you ABC and Giphy for this beauty!
You will be able to get your twenty bucks worth at a movie and hear the dialogue between the (mostly bad) actors rather than the loud exchange between a crying child and self-important parents telling said child they can’t have a late night snack of ice cream and soda if they keep crying!
No more being interrupted at a movie with this!
Cosmetics and skin care companies will be fined if they don’t advertise truthfully. Those creams don’t have a lasting effect and won’t turn back the clock forty years. Don’t lie!
Yes! A lie tax will be in effect.
Hey. I know I’m being a bit “much” here. But the truth is this.
We ARE a great country! Eight years ago we had a campaign based on hope and a positive outlook for our country.
Remember how beautiful this was? Remember the hope?
This time around we are faced with a dirty campaign and nothing but mudslinging. It has to stop.
I have a strong suspicion this campaign is going to get even dirtier and uglier!
We need hope more now than we ever did eight years ago. And when we vote for our next president, let’s not “hate” vote. Let’s vote for the one who has the knowledge and the emotional stamina. We are all equal! We will all be dust when we are gone! So we need to stop being angry and hateful. We cannot be a people who vote based on hate!
Vote for the good!
I’m with HER!!!
Bruce knows a thing or two about birthing! Born in the USA! BRUCE!!!!