Didja see the great debate last night? I was waiting for Dr. Oz to run up and treat Trump’s runny nose and sniffles! Hillary didn’t have to say much except look down at her opponent with a smirk. She looked very presidential!
No Donald. Our country is NOT in deep trouble. But it will be if YOU are elected!
At least she apologized–and ROCKED that red suit!
Not much was said about policy. And when the great Lester Holt would tell the Donald to keep on track and not interrupt, Little Hitler, Richie Rich, Baby Huey, cokehead, sniffles, schwettyballs, Trump started to get nasty with my man Lester! Quite honestly, I wanted to bitch-slap Trump upside the head, but his hair would have fallen off.
Lester Holt. I love you. But even Lester couldn’t blow a bit of class toward sniffling Trump!
Neither candidate spoke about what they would do. We were treated to another evening of spinning. And I feel the worst is yet to come in this campaign of dozens. I’m waiting for the “You Momma” insults that’ll be slung at the next debate.
I’m telling you, I was actually looking forward to watching the moronic idiots on House Hunters International with their demands for a 25-room French chateau for less than $1,000 a month!
And to think I get all worked up over the morons who move to great places like Paris and want this view for $800.00 a month. And a large kitchen. And four bedrooms. And three bathrooms.
Then I realized something. I should be running for President! Let Hillary and Donald duke it out on topics like healthcare, and student loan debt and jobs.
Shove over you two! There’s a new kid in town–one who knows how to fake tan properly!
I’ll take care of the important stuff. My platform will be “America Already IS Great—But I’ll Make It Even Greater!”
I could do that. Especially since America is already great–let’s spread the greatness!
Here’s what I’ll do:
I’ll get us out of any debt by taxing large corporations.
Those big corporations are gonna hear from ME!
As you are aware, many large, massive corporations have outsourced many jobs to third world countries. The advantage for the large corporations is that they can pay the outsourced employees a fraction of what they paid Americans. They don’t have to deal with shelling out for medical benefits or other benefits either. And the profits for the big CEO’s get larger, while Americans have lost jobs.
Yeah. How come other countries don’t outsource US? And yet, our large corporations give American workers the shaft!
As President, I will penalize these corporations with taxes so high that they will only wish they never pulled this kind of heinous employment trick on the Americans that worked so hard for them. They will have to pay a major penalty for every American who lost a job.
Remember when HR was Personnel? Yeah. Me too! I’m cleaning out this area of Corporate America. No more twenty-something HR staff. How the hell can they interview anyone over 30?
This is your typical, young HR Princess. She’s being replaced…..
They haven’t enough professional or life experience to be HR worthy.
I’m bringing Personnel back. And every corporation will hire personnel staff 40 and over. The older workers have more experience in dealing with new, current, and about-to-be-given-the-heave-ho employees. No more ageism against the older worker! Not on my watch!
With a more spunky, and mature older worker!
While we are at it, I’m doing away with “non-profit” status too. Did you know that healthcare companies and hospitals and home health care, along with many schools are “not-for-profit”?
I’ve seen the salaries of what some of the administrators are making while working “non-profit” and they are making a killing. Literally. Their salaries are killing poor people who can’t afford health care.
And all religious entities will no longer be tax-exempt.
My buddy, Hipster Jesus actually likes this idea. He said it was more Christian to give to others..and that means money!
My dear friend, Rabbi Jacob was so happy about my idea that he started dancing in the street!
I want the middle class back—and the only way that’ll happen is to make the big corporations and insurance companies pay up.
Working and Middle Class needs to make a comeback. And the “Big” guys will help with their taxes!
I’ll also put a ceiling on what pharmaceutical companies can charge for medication. During my term, all children who are allergic to bees will receive FREE Epi-pens!
I take no child left behind to the literal. ALL kids with allergic reactions will receive freebies of this. So will adults!
I’m gonna get more money from the media too.
For every issue in which a fashion magazine publishes a cover with a celebrity on it—they will be taxed. Hey! Anna Wintour! I’m talking to you!
Anna, I don’t care HOW envious I am of your hair. You have destroyed fashion journalism. I will hunt you down and fine you!
You ruined fashion publications with your constant fawning over celebrities. I’ll make sure real fashion models will grace the covers. And I mean real!
Lena Dunham as a model? She’s not even a talented writer or actor. Vogue is The National Enquirer of fashion!
I will outlaw any fashion blogger who poses Pidgeon-toed. You are not a four-year-old so stop trying to stand like one. Keep that stance and you will be broke from all the fines I will charge you. Unless you have to go “make” very, very badly, that stance is forbidden.
With all the money Taylor Swift has made, you would think she would get corrective foot surgery. WTF kind of pose is this?
From a Pinterest board on how to be a fashion blogger. Look down at your pidgeon-toed feet. Cha-ching. You are being charged!
Same with the cosmetics and fashion industries. Use celebrities in your ads and you’ll have to pay the government. We want real people. We can watch TV or go to the movies to see bad actors. We don’t need to see them in your ads.
And—there will be an even higher penalty to any company or media source that mentions the Kardashian family. I don’t believe in glorifying a family who’s claim to fame is a family member who went pee-pee on her boyfriend in a sex tape! No Kardashians.
I will have police cars on all highways and major roads in force. Not to ticket speeders, but to ticket the morons who text while driving.
Another Pinterest gem! Oops!
And then, like Edina Monsoon, I will tax the bozos who do text while driving, and who shave and read the newspaper while driving. It will be the “stupid” tax!
If we had a stupidity tax, we would be rolling in the dough!
All handguns and forms of ammunition will be banned except for the military and police. In all fairness to those who cannot exist without a gun in their home, I will make sure that former gun owners are gifted with Ghostbusters Ghostpopper guns and Proton Pacs.
Thank God for Jouets collector. It was almost impossible to find this gem. If I’m elected President, I’ll put many people back to work to manufacture these safe weapons…
And what madman with a penchant for ammunition would not be able to resist THIS?
This way the crazies can walk into any mall or movie theatre and shoot away and nobody will get hurt!
You can call me! I’ll be armed with my Presidential Proton Pac!
I will also ensure that restaurants and movie theatres are equipped with “small children” rooms. These rooms will be soundproofed. Adults will once again, be able to enjoy an evening out without having to listen to the whiney little brats that mommy and daddy couldn’t selfishly separate themselves from. You will be able to enjoy your meal and the conversation between your party and other guests.
Restaurants would have baby rooms. They can look and yell but you can’t hear ’em! Thank you ABC and Giphy for this beauty!
You will be able to get your twenty bucks worth at a movie and hear the dialogue between the (mostly bad) actors rather than the loud exchange between a crying child and self-important parents telling said child they can’t have a late night snack of ice cream and soda if they keep crying!
No more being interrupted at a movie with this!
Cosmetics and skin care companies will be fined if they don’t advertise truthfully. Those creams don’t have a lasting effect and won’t turn back the clock forty years. Don’t lie!
Let’s get some truth in advertising! No drop is going to give you pure skin. If you believe that. You are more delusional than I am!
Yes! A lie tax will be in effect.
Hey. I know I’m being a bit “much” here. But the truth is this.
We ARE a great country! Eight years ago we had a campaign based on hope and a positive outlook for our country.
Remember how beautiful this was? Remember the hope?
This time around we are faced with a dirty campaign and nothing but mudslinging. It has to stop.
I have a strong suspicion this campaign is going to get even dirtier and uglier!
We need hope more now than we ever did eight years ago. And when we vote for our next president, let’s not “hate” vote. Let’s vote for the one who has the knowledge and the emotional stamina. We are all equal! We will all be dust when we are gone! So we need to stop being angry and hateful. We cannot be a people who vote based on hate!
Vote for the good!
I’m with HER!!!
Bruce knows a thing or two about birthing! Born in the USA! BRUCE!!!!
You have my vote!!
Thank You Charlotte!!! XOXOXOXO!
My vote too!
Thanks Martha💖💖💖
When I saw Hillary in that fabulous Red Suit I did think of You. And I chuckled. (Hillary is Not a Winter, but she did Rock that Red.) But Seriously, Yes, the USA is a Great Country. And I have faith in the American People that They/We Will Vote for the Best Person to Handle One of the Most Important Positions in the World. I Have Faith that the American People Will Get It Right. I Do. This is Not Reality TV. This is Real Life. Real Issues. For a Real World. Enough with the Craziness. Later for the Nonsense. Yes, Vote for the Good. And the Good Will Carry Us Through. Thanks for a Brave, Thoughtful Post.
Exactly Jeanne! This is not reality tv! It is serious stuff and we do have to have faith!!! OMG! I loved her in red-maybe she read my post!!!!😱😱💗💗!!!
I have to admit, I watched the spectacle last night from a different perspective; that of a woman who’s been bullied and disrespected by men like Trump my entire working LIFE. And especially at that last place of employment I just left…I could go on, but suffice it to say that it warmed my cold black heart to see a smart, informed, prepared, qualified woman eat the lunch of a know-nothing, egotistical, white rich male bully who is so accustomed to getting every demand he’s ever had met by just being a loud, obnoxious asshole. Hillary knew how she would be treated by him and in my opinion she did what she had to do and it was GLORIOUS. I lived.
Oh and Bruce just came out with a book I must read.
HM, not to say you didn’t watch it with that in mind…that came out weird. I think you know what I mean. Sorry if that sounded insulting! Didn’t intend it to.
Hi Cynthia! OMG. NO!!! I didn’t take your comment as insulting at all. In fact, I LOVED it!! I’m still trying to wrap my mind around about how Trump has a number of women supporters. WTF????? I’m hoping that his brain was dripping gray matter as he kept sniffling. Perhaps if his brain discintegrates, then the rest of his slovenly body will follow!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Well said Catherine – I love the taxes! Thanks for taxing poor posture! About time! And hopefully this election will be positive. Wish slanging could be taxed too!
Olwyyn. I’ll tax slangin’ too! Thanks for the reminder. But the posture! Why do grown women feel the need to stand with their toes pointed inward. It isn’t cute. It isn’t alluring. It is downright dopey looking!!! I’m hoping the election will be positive too–but I”m scared!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
Catherine, I’m voting for you!!! I love, love, love reading your blogs just before going to bed- you crack me up!! 😂
Thanks Annamarie! By the way, I owe you ANOTHER one! I discovered a new use for Vitality Lip Flush. Blush!!! Yeah–I’m running low on cream blush so I swiped the Vitality across my face this morning! It looked very glowy!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
It’s always pleasure to read your posts! Also, you have my vote!
Hi Adryana! Thank you!! And I’ll make sure that you are my Secretary of Beauty!! XOXOXO!!!
How can I vote for you from Australia? Don’t think that US politicians are any different to ours because they aren’t – well except that creature Trump – what an a–hole – I am appalled that he is even a candidate. Very scary stuff. Good luck to Hilary.
Cindy F
Hi Cindy. Oh. I am hoping Hillary wins. People have to get out to vote though. The fact that Trump has supporters is proof that we need to revamp our educational system in these United States! I can’t even watch the news tonight!!! XOXOXO!!!
You got MY vote, kid. But I think you ought to fine Taylor Swift for every time she writes a song about an ex-boyfriend. She’s sure got some kind of con game going on…
Oh Lady Calen! Taylor will owe some big bucks–either that or my fining her will make her a one-man-woman! Is she a tramp? I mean really! Kiss and tell. Little slut puppy..and she can’t even stand straight–maybe she’s sore!! XOXOXO!!
I wonder if some women do that because they think it makes them look vulnerable like a little child. I’ve thought about that before, actually.
LOL. They look like idiots. What adult woman would want to look like a little child unless her better half is a pedophile??? Ewwwwwwwwwww..XOXOXO!!!
Hi Catherine. Great post and so funny and if I was American you’d get my vote! But wow, from the other side of the pond we’re still amazed that Trump’s got this far and now just a tad anxious about the November results. I didn’t watch the debate but read plenty and obviously Hillary ‘won’ the debate because of her competence, knowledge and staying power but one analyst said, ‘well, yes, she won, but will it make any difference?’ Now that’s a worrying thought. Can I say that also there seems to be an awful lot of negativity around Hillary which I don’t get because hey, yes, she’s flawed and made mistakes but from over here it seems to be practically a witch hunt. The most important thing is I hope everyone uses their vote and that there aren’t too many who protest at both candidates by not voting – we had protest voting just a few months ago and look where it got us! No one expected our Referendum to go the way it did and I know several people who made a protest vote by voting to leave and got quite a shock when it actually happened! Interesting times! But you’ve got to laugh and Catherine you do xxxxxxxx
I hadn’t quite finished! You do make us laugh!!!! xxxxx
You have my vote, but I would also like to ask you to consider banning Taylor Swift, period. I’m really tired of her …
Hi Penny! OMG. Don’t even get me started on Trump. I honestly don’t know what’s worse–Trump–or his supporters. Can that many people really be that ignorant. And his supporters!! They are missing teeth, hold their eyeglasses together with tape, have broken appliances on their lawns and live in ramshackle homes–and they think Trump is gonna save them!! I need meds just thinking about this! Hillary KNOWS Washington. Her husband was the PRESIDENT for two terms!! The ignorance of some voters is astounding. I just keep thinking of (no offense to you my love) Brexit. I’m telling you it’ll happen here if Trump wins. Oh well, at least if he wins, our new first lady will be the first mail-order bride AND a true “First Lay-D”–she’s a ho! XOXOXOXO!!!
Thanks Bridget! Hmmmmmmmmm…banning Swift is even better!! XOXOXO!!!
I would vote for you too! A stupid tax would eliminate the national debt in no time. After the debate the other night, I heaved a huge sigh of relief, not realizing how nervous I had become over the past few weeks. The Trump supporters will not have been swayed by it, but how anyone still on the fence could rationalize a vote for the misogynistic, racist, lying bully is beyond me.
Oh Sherrie. I’ve seen the make-believe journalists this morning and they are all “buzzing” about the millenials who are pissed off that Bernie didn’t get the nomination and supposedly “supporting’ Trump. Shit like that really makes me despise the press. They have some good influence and should be talking Hillary up instead of constantly lowering the bar for that idiot Trump! XOXOXOXO!!
Bloody brilliant! I am with you one hundred percent woman! Unfortunately being British prevents me from voting although I think this is a shame as everything America does affects the rest of us. Mind you we have our own problems to be embarrassed about over here. Brexit etc & a weirdo pollie with bizarre hair 😉
Hi Retro! Thanks for being with me! Oh. I know all about the Brexit–I was in France when the news broke on that one. Both Bonaparte and I immediately thought about Trump and the effect he would have. I’m telling you we are in for worse if that man becomes POTUS! God help us because someone’s going to have to help us! XOXOXOXO!!!
Hahaha As I’m an atheist, think we may be in big trouble!
Ohhhhhhh Retro!! Atheism is just another religion–without a god! Or Goddess! Don’t get me started on the wealth of organized Religion..that’s why all religious entities need to be taxed–and I’m Catholic!! Tax the church! LOL! XOXOXO!!!
Funny but poignant post, we need someone like you to be President! I agree about the clueless HR youngsters, who are really there to protect the corporation and not the employees. I’ve seen it time and time again in my work experience. A letter from an attorney is the only way to get any respect. Oh and I can’t stand that pigeon-toed stance, it makes women look just plain ignorant, men too.
Thanks Margaret! Don’t even get me started with HR! After my long job search, I can write a novel about the stupidity and brain-dead HR “specialists”. I swear large corporations hire young women and men on stupidity and promises of promotions that they will never receive. These people can’t even hold a conversation for five minutes! Ohhhhhh I’ve yet to see a man stand pigeon-toed..and if I see this IRL, I will go up and say something!! XOXOXOXO!!!
You’ve got my vote! And Chippy for VP!!
Oh honey you got that right! Chippy for first dog AND security! He’s got a big bark!! XOXOXOXO!!!
A lot of very good programs Catherine. You just need to start earlier next time.
Thanks Bernadette! Hmmmmmmmm…maybe I should start now for 2020!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
THANK GOD!I Keep thinking is it TOO LATE for someone NEW!!!!!!
YOU GOT MY VOTE!
YOU really would be GREAT!
BONAPART ready to move to the WHITE HOUSE?START PACKING!!!!!!!!
XX
No Elizabeth! It isn’t too late! I will need you to make a beautiful floral hatband for me. I shall wear it for my swearing-in. Oh Bonaparte has already renamed the White House to “La Chateau Blanc!”! XOXOXOXO!!!
Brilliant, brilliant post!! This is what I don’t get – America THINKS it’s great, America might well BE great but if it’s so bloody great how did Trump even get to be a candidate??!! The fact that he’s a candidate makes America look bloody stupid to the rest of the World, NOT GREAT!!!
Wendy! I’m loving your comment and passion. Thank you!!! But–just the fact that a corrupt liar, a woman-hater, a filthy pig like Trump is ALLOWED to run for President proves the greatness of America. In any other country he would be laughed into his grave. I hope. Hopefully, my gal Hillary will be our next POTUS. If not, you got any relatives with an empty home they want to rent out? XOXOXOO!!!
Hi Catherine, I get really behind because I can’t subscribe and you are more prolific than
Enid Blyton and Agatha Christie combined. Loved this post and I was waiting, and scrolling and not disappointed as I kept telling the computer “what about tax the stupid people” and there it was in all its glory. Hallelujah. My daughter is so annoyed I subscribed to Vogue here due to Anna’s newfound love of the Kardashians – well it cost me the princely some of $2 for a whole year – my principles are easily bought. Do you think all the celebrity nonsense is why Grace Coddington left Vogue? I watched the debate and found it riveting television. Have you seen “Exit through the Gift Shop” – Shepherd Fairey (Hope poster artist) is featured in the film. He is an extremely talented and I have great admiration for his art practice and philosophy. The film focused on his Andre the Giant stickers and as I had very little exposure to popular culture growing up, my husband fills me in and let me know of Andre from his childhood watching wrestling on the telly. Bruce is one of my husband’s favourites and he saw Bruce just a week so before we went to Acca Dacca. Cheers and onto the next post.
Hi Yvonne. First of all, I don’t even refer to AC/DC as anything buy Acca Dacca anymore–thanks to you! LOL. I have to look for “Exit through the Gift Shop”. Oh..as soon as I heard of Coddington’s decision to leave Vogue, I figured it was because of Wintour’s fascination with celebrity whores like the Kardashians. I cannot stand Wintour. She’s ruined fashion publications. She needs to pay the deepest stupid tax!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
It’s definitely scary watching the campaign from the UK, especially after the Brexit vote which proved that anything can and DID happen. Thanks for keeping us up to date and with such humour.
June–don’t even get me started on Trump’s latest shitstorm. I cannot even process how anyone would vote for such a subhuman!! XOXOXO!!!