Hi Everyone!
I just wanted to tell you that due to my lack of prowess and ability on my iPhone, I won’t be able to post while away. I’ll try though. We’ll see what happens…
But–I’m using this time to write and chill. And will be back refreshed and with new adventures..
So…please…
Don’t you forget about me for the next coupla weeks! XOXOXOXOXO
Sometimes I wonder if Bonaparte pays attention to a word I say.
I had a few high-maintenance items to take care of for our trip.
The nails were a disgusting mess. So I needed a mani-pedi. But it wasn’t just any manicure and pedicure. Since we would be away for just shy of three weeks, I decided to get a gel mani-pedi. The gel polishes last longer and really—they don’t chip off.
In addition, my fingernails were in such awful shape I decided to have a set of acrylics put back on. (Don’t judge. My nails suck). Under normal faux nail situations, I like a longer nail. However, with going away, I decided to go for a shorter, sportier look.
See how pretty my old lady hands and feet are with my new gel mani-pedi? You just cannot go wrong with a bright red. It’s the new OPI gel color of “Big Apple Red”! (No. Not named for the computer store.)
I am very fussy, though, about the shape of my nails and had them rounded out.
I also saw Adam, my hair saint, for a color and blow out. Oh. And while I was at the salon, I also had to make a future appointment for Oona. She’ll be here in August and explained that it was of dire importance that Adam cut her hair.
As usual, he made my hair look spectacular. If it looks this good clean, can you imagine how great it’ll look as it gets dirty? I may not wash my hair the entire time we are away!
Lastly in my cloud of high maintenance was the spray tan. Yes. I decided to go, not for the gold, but for the delightfully delicious bronze. The fact is, I actually told Bonaparte that I was going to get sprayed but, he either forgot, he didn’t pay attention, or he tuned me out when I spoke of this procedure.
I’ll get to the actual procedure later. But when Bonaparte saw me after the spray, it kind of went like zis:
I arrived home before Bonaparte. My spray had dried and I was really loving the color of my body! I was so busy admiring myself in the mirror when Bonaparte came upstairs…
I couldn’t help myself. Between the fake tan and the big, fluffy blow out that Adam gave me, I was feeling like the prettiest best looking, average old lady on the planet
Bonaparte: (shocked to see that my legs and arms were not fish-belly white with a tint of veiny blue). “Oh mah Got.” “Wha deed ou dooooo?”
Me: (Very happy because for the first time in my life, I was almost as dark as Bonaparte). ” I got sprayed”. “It’s a spray tan.” “I told you I was getting this done”. “I wanted to be as tan as your Mediterranean peeps!”
Bonaparte: “Wha do ou min, SPAYED?” “Oo SPAYED ou?”
Me: (questioning the word “spayed”) “I got SPRAYED.” “Not SPAYED!!” “Dogs get spayed!” “Are you calling me a DOG?” “Do you ‘sink’ I look UGLY???”
Hey! Even Chippy did a double-take when Bonaparte mentioned that I got “spayed”. I think Chippy may have gotten a bit….excited!
Bonaparte: “Non! Non! Casseeeee” “Em not cullin’ ou a douge!” “Ou look so boo-ee-fuwl wiz zuh spay ten” “Ou much monay did zis spay cos’ me?”
Me: “It was priceless” “Besides—it meks—I mean ‘makes’ me look thinner”
Bonaparte: (a bit suspicious) “Cassee.” “Ou did zis?” “Was eet a men?” “Deed ee see ou nekkeed?”
And so I explained to Bonaparte that no, it was not a man who “spayed” me. It was an adorable young woman named Alexa and I kept making her laugh with my moronic remarks!
Alexa of Luminosity . The place where you can get an airbrush tan AND get your teeth whitened in the same day! She’s a great spray tanner!
Here’s how my “spay” went. I went into a dark booth with mirrors. On the floor was a huge fan. On the walls were hooks for ones purse and clothing. There was also shelving on the wall for personal effects such as jewelry, watches—whatever.
To the right, under the sign is where the tanning magic took place.
I stripped down to everything but my bra. Yes. I took my panties off because I never had a tanned ass before and I figured what the hell.
And I wanted to explain to Alexa that I was keeping my bra on only because what if I took my bra off and then a little bit of the spray tan product seeped into one of my nipples and then I got an infection in my titties?
I didn’t want to scare Alexa with that explanation. Nor did I want her to screw up the application process of airbrushing me.
I never gave a second thought to any tanning product seeping up into my colon from the other end.
My new hairdo was protected with a super strength shower cap.
Before the color. Look how uneven and pasty my skin is. I look like a friggin’ circus clown!
I stepped onto the little towel that worked as a buffer between my precious feet and the floor. Alexa asked me if the fan was too much for me.
She laughed as I told her that my life is one long hot flash so if she wanted, she could turn the fan up a bit.
I followed her commands to put arms up; put arms down; place arms in a square position. Turn legs out. Turn legs in.
But it was the command to stick my butt out that almost made her drop the tanning applicator.
I told her I felt like Kim Kardashian when she posed with her tanned ass to the world but I looked more like Caitlin Jenner!
Actually, it’s a sad day when you realize that Caitlyn Jenner is a better looking woman than you are! But I’m glad my ass isn’t Kim sized!
When all was done, I was thrilled with the result. Kudos to Alexa for giving me the correct “color” tan. She explained to me that with my naturally fair coloring, the darkest tan would not look great. Instead, she sprayed me with a light to medium mixture.
Ten minutes after the ‘spay’! Look toward the bottom right. You can see my bra strap!
Look how ‘natural’ my fake tan line is!
I purchased some tan extender and was on my way. But—I will be back to tan my hide and to make Alexa laugh!
I had a struggle with my new selfie stick today. It was misbehaving! But 24 hours later, the tan is looking mighty good. And no matter how naughty my selfie stick is, it does a great job of making me look twenty pounds lighter! Who needs photoshop????
On the other hand, did I tell you that Bonaparte purchased a new and bigger suitcase for me? Yeah. He couldn’t process the fact that I shoved a ton of clothing into my Longchamp weekender.
We went to Marshalls and I picked out a peachy/pink number by Samsonite. I fell in love with the girly pink mostly because I know it will become filthy and raggy looking in no time. The filthier the suitcase, the less chance of anyone trying to take my stuff!
I guarantee you this suitcase will be spotted with filth by the time we arrive in France! No wonder it was in the clearance area!
Now you know why I get to sit at the “genius” table at the Apple store!
We’ll use my “big” suitcase for our beach towels (because they are heavy) and for my other “stuff” like books, journals, shoes that I forgot about packing and toiletries that would never make it through TSA.
Oh. I also decided to clean my makeup brushes before leaving. Being the lazy slob that I am, I decided to wash the brushes in Dawn dish soap. Winner!!! The grime and old makeup came off so easy. I didn’t even have to scrub!
Check out the chewed ends on some of the brushes. Chippy must’ve thought they were ice cream sticks!
One last thing. Bragging time! My nephew Matt was drafted by the Kansas City Royals. It’s a glorious moment for my baseball family. And it is also a bittersweet one because my dad isn’t here for Matt’s signing. This would have been one of my dad’s happiest life events. But hopefully he is looking down and smiling!
Hey batta batta! Oops. He pitches!!
And now I’m all caught up. Tonight we’ll have a relaxing and light dinner and I will no longer check my luggage because I just don’t want to! XOXOXOXO!!!
In honor of Matt, I want to listen to some John Fogerty! Centerfield!
About a month ago I dropped my iPhone. As I was getting out of my car, it fell from my lap and onto the driveway. The screen cracked.
Now—it didn’t seem that bad of a crack and there was no way I was going to visit one of those “We-Can-Fix-Your-Cracked-Screens” Kiosks at the mall. They charge well over one hundred dollars. I have better things to spend money that I don’t have on.
But over the course of a couple weeks, the crack worsened.
My crack never got this bad but let’s just say it grew to be pretty bad.
I went to my local ATT store at the mall to find out if I was eligible for a new phone. I wasn’t.
However, I remembered I have phone insurance. God forbid the ATT people actually remind me of that as they checked my account to tell me I was not eligible for a new phone.
And when I reminded the ATT people that I wanted to see if I could replace the phone, I was told I could, but I had to do so either online or via my cell phone.
I went home, went online, and couldn’t figure out the instructions for replacing the damaged phone because I needed a “passcode”. I never remembered even creating a passcode because it had never been mentioned to me by the good folks at ATT when I had my past phones.
After many naughty words spewed from my mouth, I called the number for assistance.
This is pretty much how I looked while spewing some well-deserved naughty words…
Thankfully, the assistance I received over the phone was stellar. I was told to create a passcode, which I did over the phone with the help of Jeanne from ATT. A new phone would be sent to me within 2 business days and I was to follow the instructions that came with the phone.
Fine.
Phone received on Friday.
When I opened the box, I immediately followed the instructions to charge the new phone. I could do that!
…and believe me, charging the phone was just about the ONLY thing I was capable of doing!
And having to work in Retail Hell on Friday and Saturday, I figured I would wait until Sunday to focus on setting up my new phone. After all, I’m not right in the head and I am also a very maniacal, crazy, over-reactive, emotional woman so it was best to not have any pressing matters come my way during phone set up day.
One cup of morning coffee down and in a productive mood, I started to read the remaining instructions. They seemed simple enough.
My instructions seemed pretty much simple and foolproof…
I proceeded to take my newly charged phone over to my computer. I successfully entered my Wi-Fi connection. Success was also measured in setting up the cute little generic icons. Uh oh. How come my really important icons such as Twitter, Instagram, Face Book, and other ones displaying my narcissistic nature weren’t transferred over?
Where’s the important shit stuff (Bonaparte made me correct my gutter language) like Instagram, Twitter and Facebook? How will be able to display my obnoxious and narcissistic personality to the world??
Back to the instructions.
Easy set up my ass!
I needed to get my Apple ID and passwords. WTF? I haven’t used them in over a year!!! *Sigh*
Pause as I sent emails to reset my user ID’s and passwords.
Back to the set up.
I’m constantly reminded as per instructions to return my old and damaged phone back to ATT within 10 days. Three days have passed and it appears that it just may take another week to figure all this out. And I’m leaving for France. This is not good. If I don’t take care of this soon, I’ll have a hefty penalty charge.
Yeah, I get the message that you want the phone returned!
I decided to call the ATT tech assistance phone number that was provided on the instructions. After prompting to the correct department, I didn’t get a human voice, but received a recording: “You have reached technical assistance.” “Our hours are Monday through Friday, 8AM through 5PM”.
I’m sure that most people who are having issues with technicalities on their phones do not have the time to call on Monday through Friday between those hours because they are at work! So they call on the weekends when nobody is available. Does this make sense?
Nobody is on the other end of the line to hear the nastiness that’s coming out of my mouth.
True dat. I can scream and curse at the top of my lungs but nobody but a recording is on the other line! Nobody can hear me because nobody is working!
After hanging up, I take another pause and realize that I’m smart enough to figure this out. Back to the instructions.
Ok. Unlike Stuart Smalley, one outta three ain’t bad. I’m pretty sure I’m smart enough!
I insert my phones to the USB chords and insert the chords into the computer. Now I’m going to try to switch data over from one phone to another.
There is an issue on my computer. I cannot make the switch because the computer doesn’t recognize my devices. The computer only recognizes Bonaparte’s account. WTF? All of a sudden my computer is Gallic?
All of a sudden the computer of “mime” is French?????
Now I’m going full-tilt boogie crazy!
I would say that I am in that outnumbered grouping!
I go back to the ATT site to see if there is a different solution. ATT wants my MEI number and my SIM card number.
I didn’t realize there were so many numbers on my phone. I find the MEI and it is NOT the MEI number that ATT has in their records. I am not able to change the MEI number on my computer and cannot submit anything. For some reason my Gallic computer is not recognizing my information and is blocking me from moving forward.
It is now almost 11:00 AM and I started this process over two hours ago.
Yeah! I have all the time in the world to set up my new phone. All the time in the world…….
I rip out both phones from the computer.
I pack throw both phones into the box in which the new phone was mailed to me.
I wonder how many people get to this point? I have NO idea how those chords became THAT tangled. I must have really thrown them curve-ball style into the box!
I go into the bathroom and wipe deodorant on my pits. I don’t even bother to wash my face. My hair is in the same braid that I wore to work the previous day. My mascara is smeared because, yes. I’m a slob!
I drive to the local ATT store. This time, I don’t go to the ATT store at the mall. I go to the one up the street from where I live.
Luckily I arrived just as the store opened. Nate and John, the two young men who work there, greet me.
Also luckily, Nate has helped me before with other issues so he knows what is in store. He didn’t run away!
Somehow Nate just doesn’t seem thrilled to see ME! He did a fantastic job in such a short time! Perhaps he and John were glad to get rid of me!
It took Nate all of twenty minutes to set up my iPhone.
I’m happy as a dirty little bottom crawler of a clam as I make my way home to finally bathe and play with my new phone.
Filthy hair, smeared mascara, dirty old slob but happy that my phone has been set up!
Until…..
Day Two:
I now have a couple of “Apple” issues and have to drive to the Apple store to take care of this. For some ungodly reason, I can’t email pics from my phone to my computer.
Take a good look. The Apple store is never this empty!
This is very important because we are going away and I need a backup to save my photos.
Wait! I have my digital camera!!! I can pack my camera! I go over to the desk where I keep my camera and it isn’t there.
Where did I put it?
I unpack all the stuff I so carefully placed into my carryon. The camera isn’t there. I go over to the little closet where I keep my sweaters and wigs (don’t judge) and random stuff. No camera.
And to think that I thought I was FINALLY organized. Another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into!
I go into our bedroom and search handbags, drawers and any crevice I can. No camera.
Now I panic because I’m 61 years old and my memory is going. My hypochondrium is building up.
The phone rings. It is Bonaparte.
He went to have my car inspected and he asks me, quite annoyed too, where the auto insurance card is.
My response is “WTF are you talking about?” “I didn’t get any insurance card!!!!!” “If I did, I would have put it in the car!!!!!!!”
Now Bonaparte is pissed. “Zuh cahrd sud be eeen zuh cahr.” “I em sur I gev eet to ou!” “Don’ worreeee”.
He hangs up and I’m crying.
I get dressed to go to the Apple store and am only thinking about my lack of memory. St. Anthony isn’t even coming through to help me find my memory.
St. Anthony, St. Anthony, please come around. My memory is lost and stuff cannot be found. Thanks big guy!
I’m crying and catch a glimpse of my hair in the mirror. It is filthy—my hair, not the mirror. And I notice that the dirt and grime in my hair has given me perfect beach waves! I snap a pic with the phone and post it to Instagram. True narcissism knows no boundaries! At least I can post to Instagram!
Despite how upset I was, when I saw these nice beachy waves I suddenly realized what a beauty asset filthy hair is. How could I not pause for Instagram?
Bonaparte arrives home and he’s no longer annoyed.
I tell him we need to take me to a doctor immediately because I am suffering from early dementia. I tell him my camera is lost along with the insurance card.
Bonaparte apologizes and tells me he is sorry but he packed my camera and the battery recharger into his suitcase.
Why did Bonaparte not tell me he packed my camera……
He also tells me that he knows where the insurance card is.
….and thanks for filing the auto insurance card away and making me think it was MY fault!
I get into my car.
I arrive at the Apple store just minutes before it opens for the day. The Apple man places me on a list and tells me it’ll be twenty minutes before they can see me but they will text me. Two minutes later I receive a text to come on in!
I am lead to the “Genius” table. (No kidding—that’s what it’s called). I’m guessing calling it the “Idiot” table” because that’s where all the idiots who have no clue are sitting’ is too politically incorrect. Call it what it is. I’m an idiot when it comes to setting up my cell phone. OK?
To all those parents who’s kids are in AP classes. I made it to the genius table! OK?? I hold bragging rights!
I explain that I am unable to email photos from my phone to my email address. Therefore I cannot send photos to my computer. I am told it is an issue with my Verizon server.
Try as she may, Eve, the Apple expert assists me in getting my Verizon email password figured out. Instead, I get locked out of my email account and the only way I can get back in is having Verizon call our home phone with a temporary password. Only problem is that I’m not home.
Eve, in the garden of Apple delights, tells me to go to the Verizon store down the road. Then she turns to Adam of Apple, whispers something to him and they both look at me as though I’m the poisonous serpent telling them to take a bite of the forbidden piece of fruit!
The Apple people may think I’m a slithery serpent, but all I want is to use my iPhone! Is that too much to ask?
I leave Apple and drive to the Verizon store. And I’m greeted by a pimply adolescent who tells me, after I explain my problem that the issue is with my Verizon server, he can’t help me. I’m at Verizon Wireless. I need Verizon Fios.
I tell him that “I am not right in the head and with every second that passes, I become less right in the head”. He becomes scared and calls a Verizon expert over.
This is the face that scared Verizon!
I tell the Verizon expert that Verizon sent a voicemail with a temporary password to my landline phone but I’m not home. She explains that the voicemail is on my home phone and the message will be there for 7 days.
I get home and stress eat melted mozzarella on a slice of rye bread. It is so mushy and delicious that I forget my phone issues for the ten seconds that it takes my gluttonous self to finish.
The message is, in fact, on our landline. I write down the temporary email address and reset my password on my email.
I’m thrilled because now I’ll be able to send pics from my phone to my home email.
I do a test and send a pic.
It didn’t work.
Later I’ll go back to see Nate at the ATT store. Right now—I just can’t.
Like the screen on my original iPhone, I’m also shattered!
Besides. I need to get a mani-pedi.
The nail place is in the same shopping center as ATT. So after my nails are done, I drop by to see my old friends Nate and John.
Are Nate and John hiding from me????
Nate is busy (which I’m sure he was thrilled about) and John tries, in vain to help me.
He explains to me that Verizon changed their server updates and many people were having issues, but Apple can fix the issues.
Unfortunately, I was the 1% that Apple could not help. More unfortunately, I’m in the wrong one percent.
It is now after 5 PM. I am NOT dealing with rush hour traffic in order to go to Apple. Again.
Instead, I go home and call Verizon FIOS.
After explaining the issues of the past 24 hours, I was instructed to go to my “settings” and was further instructed in what procedures I had to take in order to update the incoming and outgoing servers.
My phone is finally in working order.
Yet, somehow I’m waxing nostalgic for the old rotary phone we had growing up in Long Island. The days when we didn’t have passwords or user ID’s or passcodes or MEI and SIM card numbers.
Life was more simple back then when the entire family shared one phone. Oh the fights between my sisters and me over time spent on this little machine. Oh the locks that my dad put on it to stop my sisters and me from pulling each other’s hair out! I miss those days!
The only number we needed to remember was our phone number: Mohawk 5-2889.
How is it that I can still remember my childhood phone number and not the seven thousand passcodes/passwords/ID’s that I am now known by?
Like the screen on my original phone I’m…
“Shattered”!
Our trip to France has now become a saga. Thank goddess my clothing is packed.
In the span of over ten years that Bonaparte and I have been traveling back and forth to France together, we’ve never crossed the Atlantic via Air France.
We were all set to fly overseas via Air France for the first time!
We’ve flown Air France from Paris to Nice and back to Paris while staying in Theoule and never had any problems. It’s always been a pleasure.
This time around Bonaparte had the grand idea of flying Air France from JFK because of that new fancy-schmancy airbus with the cool and comfy seats that we would be sitting on in Business Class.
Looking at this seat, I now realize why Bonaparte wanted to fly business class. He wouldn’t have to be seated so close to me! I am more worried that my fat ass would get stuck in these little pod seats.
Our flights from JFK work out well because we drop our car at my sister’s house. She lives on Long Island—not too far from JFK. Therefore it makes sense that she drops us of at the airport. Upon our arrival, either she, or my brother-in-law drives the car back to JFK’s short term parking before our flight home. We’ve worked this out like a fine-tuned machine!
Our plan was to get a connecting Air France flight to Nice upon landing at CDG.
Are you following?
Remember this for later. Please……
So on Thursday, I entered upon the gates of Retail Hell. Once again, I had to close. To start off, I wasn’t in the best of moods.
Add to that, a snooty customer who had bad fillers and over processed hair came in and insisted that we sold Christian Louboutin clutch bags.
This is the type of customer we had to deal with. Bad fillers and an even worse attitude!
We explained that we do not sell Louboutin clutches.
We all remained incredibly professional with this horrific woman.
She proceeded to tell us that we were wrong and she did, in fact, see one of his bags in our department.
No lady. We don’t sell this clutch nor do we sell this model shoe. You are delusional. Go back to Neiman’s.
What’s worse is that every time we told her we did not sell “Christian Louboutin” purses, she corrected us by retorting in the most condescending and sickening tone “I didn’t say Louis Vuitton. I said Christian Louboutin!”
Yo bitch, I know Louis V. better than you ever will! Bonaparte’s grandfather took this photo for a Vuitton ad! Boo ya!
I wanted to say “Vous ĕtes un cochon madame putain!” But I refrained.
These cute little cochons are a lot nicer!
It was also a lousy afternoon because the register hoarders were collecting all the expensive strays.
Then a bitch from the handbag department of a sister store called. Naturally, I always answer the phone in my executive assistant voice of “Good Evening. Ladies Handbags. How may I assist you?”
And I spoke in my sweetest voice. I was angelic and adorable!
And I’m greeted back with “Your department lost a DESIGNER bag that I ordered for a customer. It wasn’t shipped and it’s your fault. WHO TOOK CARE OF THIS. I WANT YOUR MANAGER!!!”
And instead of saying “ Vous ĕtes un cochon madame “. I very sweetly explained “Well, I’m working with a customer right now. There is no need to speak to me in the tone that you are using. I will look into this before I close”.
What happened next was a temper tantrum from a very aggressive sales assistant who seemed to think that her minute percentage of commission was going to place her into the one percent of our country’s earners. I transferred her to the Manager in Charge.
Can we act a bit more grown up and not like a child having a tantrum?
And all was settled when the MIC came over and took the bag that was NOT lost to shipping. It was evening. The bag wouldn’t have been shipped until the next morning…
And that left me even more pissed off.
Commission sucks. It turns sales assistants into greedy, nasty, vile people who bully others over a couple of bucks and they become aggressive and pathetic indviduals.
Greed is one of the seven deadly sins. So is gluttony. Commission is two deadly sins in one!
I don’t like what commission has done to me.
Thank you Gifsoup for allowing me to see what commission has done to me!
It has turned me into a miserable being. Really. It has.
It’s true. I USED to be such a nice person. It’s not fair that I’m now so miserable. I want to return to my Mother Teresa status!
The evening turned out to be a good one, but I was rewarded with really nice customers. I like working alone. It is relaxing and the steady flow offers a chance to get a couple of decent sales.
And then the store closes at 9:30. But because great customer service means allowing the stragglers, who most likely are serial returners, to continue to shop for one or two random items, the store really closes at 10:30.
And so, by the real closing time all the sales assistants are in a very, very bad mood. I am one of those sales assistants.
And when I got into the car, the car that Bonaparte kindly dropped me off at Retail Hell earlier in the day and then drove back to pick me up from Retail Hell, I didn’t speak. I wanted to be alone.
My feet hurt from standing for nine hours straight. My ass hurt. My thighs hurt. My lady parts hurt. My calves hurt. My back hurt. My head hurt. My eyes were so crossed that I saw triple instead of double.
We arrived home in silence.
Then Bonaparte dropped the bombshell.
Air France was going on strike.
Really? Are you not making enough money to begin with? You have great healthcare benefits and great food and great wine..and you’re on strike????
Ohhhh..it’s so hard to stay mad at the French pilots–they are just so handsome! Aren’t they the epitome of French Style with those Breton shirts draped over their shoulders. Fashion experts need to see that! And those accents….
We stayed up very late into the evening to make a mad scramble to reinvent our itinerary. Successfully, we booked on another airline. Thankfully there were a few seats left!
When all else fails, get an American to step in and save the day!
We received a credit from Air France which isn’t all that bad considering we can use the tickets on our next trip back to Paris. Hopefully, Air France won’t be striking on our next booking.
Bonaparte also rented a car for us so that we could drive from Paris to Theoule. It’ll take seven hours but we would have had a three-hour layover for a connecting flight to Nice from CDG anyway. At this point, what’s a four-hour loss?
Although this Citroen is my favorite car of all time, it would not be a wise choice for driving from Paris to Theoule. It would take more than seven hours!
So that’s my hissy fit…
Oh yes. I DID have this kind of hissy fit!
And I remained a bit hissy until Friday.
Something great happened.
As I was writing instructions for a new hire on how to close the register for the evening, a woman appeared in front of me at the counter.
*oh goddess* I’m becoming emotional now…
It was Sharon, one of my little circle of blog reader friends. We met for the first time!
I felt as though we knew each other forever! In the short time we got to meet and speak with each other, the dark cloud that had been hovering overhead burst and rays of sunshine broke through!
Sharon D. and little ol’ me!
Happiness is meeting one of your blog reader friends for the first time—it’s meeting an old friend for the very first time and realizing that life is full of great little wondrous moments!
It is the happy that wipes the shit from the fan–and I had plenty of it the past few days!
Thank you Sharon, thank you so much for lifting me out of that place where I was so miserable and thank you for bringing me to that happy place.
Shirley Temple sang it so well–Come and Get Your Happiness!
I’m hoping that I’m doing this correctly. But I HAD to reblog this post from “Warning Curves Ahead” blog. She “gets” it!!!!!! You may remember my post of a few weeks ago of my version of advanced style. But this nails it.
She included ALL sorts of styles and all kinds of women and I love it. I love it so very much. And it speaks to all women over 30,40,50,60, and beyond.
So ladies and gents, take a look at this wonderful post (if you haven’t already seen it) and enjoy and wear whatever you want ( I would have added my favorite curse word that starts with “F” and ends with “K” but I promised Bonaparte that I would curb my language. Seriously. This is some great shit!!!!!
With a day off yesterday from Retail Hell, and having to work the dreaded closing shift for the next three days, there is little time left for me to focus on the remainder of packing for our trip to France.
The return to where Bonaparte spent his summers as a child. The return to where I did NOT spend my summers as a child!
Being the high-maintenance old hag that I am, I’ll have a couple of days early next week to get a spray tan.
Yes. I listen to St. Teresa. My pasty white skin needs a bit of darkening!
Don’t judge—I’m pasty white and don’t want the good citizens of the Mediterranean to think I’m some kind of whitefish as I swim. I don’t need to be fished out of the sea by net or hook. I need to blend.
Like a flounder blends in with the sand, I need that spray tan to blend with the people of the Mediterranean!
Bonaparte is stressing out because my hands are in horrific shape. I peeled my acrylics off and what’s left is a mess of paper thin, peeling nails that are breaking off by the seconds. It looks pretty disgusting. My nails need to be done. I also need a pedicure.
My nails are horrific. Oops! There goes MY commission for the next few days. These talons will scare the customers away!
Oh. And I need to visit Adam to have my roots colored and my hair blown out.
Oops! Almost forgot. I need to have my lip waxed. I think I’ll get a chin job done too. I don’t want to spend hours looking for stray lady whiskers every morning! I really need to see a barber for a shave.
I will safely state that tweezers are THE most accessory I will be packing! Not for my brows but for my ladywhiskers!
Yet, somehow I’ve managed to pack nearly three weeks of clothing into my Longchamp weekender. I swear to goddess, this oversized Longchamp bag is the best bargain I’ve ever purchased. And to think it only cost me the equivalent of $50USD at the duty-free Longchamp shop at CDG. I picked it up last summer–just moments before boarding our flight home.
And there is still room to add more. I LOVE this bag!
You never know where the next great bargain will await….
And now, I wanna talk about the other stuff that needs to be packed. Accessories.
Here’s the thing—I’m not much of an accessories girl to begin with. Although I have a shitload of costume jewelry that is sitting on a shelf in a closet that I hardly ever wear, I can’t bring myself to unload it. I keep going back to the one oversized faux pearl necklace from J. Crew. Go figure.
I hardly wear any of this stuff except for the oversized fake pearl necklace to the far left. See the little Donald Duck figure in the photo on the right? Jake bought that for me at Disney World when he was six years old. He wanted to surprise me with a thank you gift for taking him there! That is ONE item I will never, ever get rid of. I’m a sentimental old fool!
And I have the good stuff that Bonaparte has given me. But I’m not traveling with the “good stuff”. Worrying about jewelry and watches and the like does not a fun and productive travel holiday or vacation for me make. I want to chill.
Maybe it’s because I’m older—I simply cannot be bothered carrying all that stuff (exception being cosmetics) around anymore. Besides, as long as my hair looks good and my eyes don’t look so crossed on any given day—I’m fine!
Fashion, as well as travel magazines, love to tell you what you must bring when going away.
A few pages taken from the latest issue of ‘In Style” magazine that I received the other day. Um. No! I’m NOT bringing an Hermes handbag to the beach. WTF??? Take a look at the price points of some of the items pictured. It is absolutely ridiculous. The average person cannot afford most of this on the underpaid average salary! Get real–Editors need to know who their REAL demographics are and not the delusional demographic!
Editors love to write about brand name luxury jewels and accessories. And photographers capture this essence of a jet set existence with pictures of expensive items that bring our lemmings out in full force.
Uh unh. Me no can afford Rolex watch. Even if I could, it would NOT be packed for a vacation. I would bring Roger Federer along though. He’s the Rolex of cute tennis players! I could “watch” him all day long!
Stop! If you are going to bring the small stuff, you don’t have to spend a fortune!
Don’t Excessorize. Accessorize!
And do it inexpensively. This way you’ll have more money to spend on the good stuff like shoes and bags!
As far as accessories go, I’m packing three scarfs—and I know I’ll probably only wear one. Two will be able to be mix and matched with most outfits and one will go with the solids.
These three scarfs are great for summer because they are incredibly light. The paisley and dotted ones are from Jacrew–last year or the year before. The stripes from Old Navy that I picked up a few months back.
Jewelry? My oversized hoop earrings that were purchased on a card full of various sized hoops at Walmart a few years back have seen better bling days. The rest of the hoop earrings are in fine shape but when I’m on a beach vacation, I want those big mothers. I picked up faux gold and faux silver oversized hoops at Walmart for $2.88 per pair. That’s all I need. Those cheapies will take me from beach to pool to sightseeing to dinner.
Walmart specials. Who will be able to tell that these are inexpensive? Believe me, nobody will get that close to me to tell! And–they are hypo-allergenic! What a treat!
The woman who can accessorize with abandon while away is one I admire but I ‘m too lazy!
I’ll just stick to packing an excess of striped shirts. Bonaparte’s dad is my newest fashion icon! I love his striped bag!
My good watch? It’ll be locked up and secured while travelling. Instead, I’ll wear a seven dollar number that I also picked up at Walmart. From a distance, nobody will be able to tell that it’s an inexpensive timepiece. As long as it tells me what the time is, I’m fine. If it gets lost or if I accidentally swim with it—I won’t freak out!
It may have a one-year Warranty but all I care about is that this tells me the correct time for three weeks. I would have preferred to find one without the fake gold, but for the price point–I’ll take this!
When I was younger, I didn’t bother to wear a hat to the beach or out and about in the sun. Then I got skin cancer on my face. And a hat is a must. But I’m not going to spend a lot of money. My dermatologist suggested a wide-brimmed hat rather than a baseball cap for added protection. A lighter weight hat is great because my head won’t sweat—and who needs hat hair?? I also like a hat that’ll pack away easily.
Another Walmart purchase was this hat for less than four dollars. It serves the purpose. It’ll keep the sun out of my face and look chic at the same time.
A grand total of $3.72 for this hat that’ll serve the purpose of throwing me some shade (not THAT kind–I’m talkin’ about the shade that protects from the sun!)
I’ll wear the Kate Spade reading sunnies that were purchased last year at Nordstrom Rack for $19.99 while reading at the beach. For wandering around, the less-than-stellar sun glasses from Amazon will suffice.
So do I look really look like a Walmart doyenne? Or do I look Riviera chic?
Ohhhh..maybe I’ll run into Joan Collins in St. Tropez and she will think I’m her twin–I mean her younger cousin!
Two belts, one thin navy belt and one wider brown belt will be packed.
Two belts. That’s all. Both are old. I think the navy one is so old that it turned black. It must be about 15 years old! Maybe it IS black!
As far as toiletries are concerned, I’m packing deodorant, toothpaste, a toothbrush, a few skin care items and that’s about it. (Actually, I lie. I didn’t even begin to start with the toiletries, skin care products or cosmetics yet!) Anything else, including sunscreen, will be purchased when we do our grocery shopping at Geant. (My favorite store!)
Who knew shopping could be so much fun???? I love Geant hypermarche!
The heat can get pretty intense on the Cote d’Azur. Walking around half the day is cause for melting makeup. I’m not bringing foundation or concealer.
No matter how much sunscreen I put on my face, I’ll still get a healthy color and my freckles will pop up. That’s cool.
I’ll pack my eyebrow pencil and one neutral shadow palette. Mascara. Liquid and pencil eyeliner. Chapstick. NARS Multiple in “Riviera” (I like a cream blush).
iT Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush and Lip Gloss Stain. And more Chapstick! I’ll bring a bronzer too—just to even out my skin tone as it gets a bit darker!
Among the cosmetics I’ll pack are a neutral eyeshadow palette (Thank you Emily Rose for introducing me to Revolution cosmetics. I found the palette at Ulta!), Mally eyebrow pencil and iT lip products!
That’s it.
Oh wait. That’s not it. I’m such a liar! I still have hair stuff, more cosmetics and footwear to pack….
Forgive me as I pull a Scarlett O’Hara and think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day and I have to get ready for work now!
Yeah. I’ll think about the rest of my stuff to be packed tomorrow! Note the lack of accessories on good ol’ Scarlett!
No music today. I’m having WP issues…..Again! XOXOXOXO!!!
It’s a sunny Monday and no humidity. I really should wash my hair. But I’m too lazy. I’ll just wear it in a messy side bun.
My new summer “do” is a hit! I don’t like when my hair is pulled back too severely. My face looks hard and older. Wearing it a bit messy helps to soften the jawline and soften the square angles that are now jowls.
My messy side bun may look a bit like a goiter, but it is a hit for me. It’ll be a great do for the hot weather.
BTW, another hit for me is the lip combo I’m wearing. Since I’m going “naked” for the summer by eliminating foundation, I thought it would be nice to revisit my “iT” Cosmetics Lip Vitality combo. The stain and the flush stick are almost colorless in the tube with but a hint of pink and when you apply–BAM! A nice pink and the stain gives a nice plumpness. The staying power is excellent. I’m packing this for my trip!
Vitality Lip Flush on top and Lip Stain on the bottom. I used the color “Je Ne Sais Quoi”. This tag team packs a nice punch of color and shine! It’s a hit for this iT cosmetics duo!
And I have some more hits and misses for you today.
Time management is a miss. I started this post over two hours ago and ended up wasting over an hour deleting 1229 photos of this chair.
That’s right. 1229 photos of this chair that I had to delete. Have you any idea of how long it took to get rid of the same pic?
I started to use my new toy. A selfie stick. When I took the stick out of the box and connected my phone to it, the little clicker that snaps the photos must’ve stuck. My selfie stick turned into a selfie stuck! The clicker went on auto and snapped away for about five minutes. A miss…
But—and now I feel like a complete ass of a hypocrite because I actually purchased one of these very sticks that I cursed last summer due to the bruises I received from being prodded by other tourists’ selfie sticks-as I’m getting myself familiar with this, I think it will be great for taking photos for the blog. And it’ll come in handy when taking photos while touring! For me, even though the stick stuck, the selfie stick is a hit…
Strangely, this selfie stick is being sold in the handbag department where I work. One of the younger girls gave me a tutorial and this is my first selfie. Obviously she knew what she was doing because the stick didn’t get stuck when she snapped! (Plus I got an employee discount!)
Chippy thinks the selfie stick could possibly be a chew toy…
Don’t even think about it Chippy!
For Bonaparte, it’ll be a huge miss because I know I’ll drive him crazy with it.
Bonaparte (Really annoyed—and speaking in a low voice from the side of his mouth): “Cassee!” “Put zat zing away now!” “Ou ahr crezzzzeee and zat steek eez merde!”
Me (Pointing the selfie stick at the both of us and paying no attention to him) “Smile!” “And say Fromage!”
This pair of sunnies I purchased on Amazon.com is a miss. I learned a lesson. Never purchase sunglasses online. As usual, whenever I have a bright idea, it ends up being more of a wasted dud! I gave up on prescription sunglasses years ago because I sat on a very expensive pair and lost another. That’s a lot of money. I decided that “reader” sunglasses were the way to go. Except the only ones that I’ve only seen available are bifocals. I can read in the bifocals but can’t see. So I thought that if I purchased a pair of reading sunglasses without the bifocals, it would work for me. Are you following?
Cheap sunnies from Amazon…
One side mentions China…..
One side mentions Italy design. I guess an Italian designed them in China!
Well, I ordered 250+ and the lenses are ok for walking around but I can’t read in them. So now I’ll have to take the bifocals, the regular sunnies and wear my normal eyeglasses.
These sunglasses were seventeen bucks—which really isn’t that bad but the quality is a tad flimsy. The fit is ok but the frames could have been bigger. If the frames were bigger and sturdier, they would have been more of a hit. Regardless, I’m still going to get my money’s worth out of these but won’t be reordering.
I’m just not feeling the love. But I’m feeling a bit of a like…I just wish the frames were larger and a bit more sturdy.
Now to some more mess vacation clothing. I picked up a few tops, a skirt and a cover up/shift. While trying to pack less, I’ve purchased more. Go figure!
Anyway, Jacrew (you know that’s the family code name for J. Crew!) was having a great sale on summer clothing. I picked up another pair of white denim shorts—a complete hit!. These and my white denim Jacrew Factory shorts will do very well.
I also picked up another striped shirt from Crew. My love/hate relationship continues with the sizing. This shirt is a Medium but the length should have been longer—it drives me nuts. Are things that bad over corporate that they can’t add an inch or two to the length? Is that how J. Crew cuts corners? I love the fit of the shirt but that shorter length—arrrrghhhh!
Nah. That’s not me being pissed at Jacrew again. It’s the face I’ve been making while trying to figure out how to best use the selfie stick! I really wish this shirt were a bit longer!
Wait. I saw another patchy striped shirt online and fell in love with it. It ended up in the clearance section and 40% off of the reduced price at the brick and mortar store in King of Prussia. I got it for $16.97. This time I picked a Large and it’s slightly bigger than I expected, but…both shirts aren’t complete hits and they aren’t complete misses either.
It’s a bit big around the neck and shoulders but that will add for more comfort in extreme heat. You can see that my selfie stick is not helping me in my photos being better focused!
This navy polka dotted skirt was a find in the clearance area of Loft. It is a blend of poly/spandex but feels like chiffon. Light and airy, it’ll be great for walking around in the heat of the Cote d’Azur! Definitely a hit!
OMG. I REALLY have to get my pasty legs sprayed before we leave. A well-needed pedi is also in order!
I’ll wear the skirt with a very fitted sleeveless Tee. This is from Uniqlo–last year’s model!
Two tops from Old Navy are also perfect for those hot days. Both were half price, coming in at ten bucks each. One white. One black. Cotton/Poly blend. The little pompoms and cut out detailing at the bottom make the shirt unique without looking too cutesy. Very appropriate for we older ladies! Hits!
I know. The white shirt needs ironing. I’ll get around to it! But look at the detailing. I love the pompoms and the little cutouts!
Last is this blue coverup/shift also from Old Navy. The dress is a linen/rayon blend. Wrinkles are a miss. But the comfort of the dress is a hit!
This dress from Old Navy is perfect. I can wear it as a coverup at the beach and from there do some sightseeing. I love that the dress has pockets and the fit is loose without being boxy or frumpy!
This dress is also a great multitasker. I can belt it for a less beachy look.
With a belt it will look a bit less beach! I think I’ll be wearing this a lot. Thankfully I have a washing machine at the apartment!
It just dawned on me that 90 percent of my travel clothing is navy and white. That’s great because I’ll be able to mix and match without thinking. Who wants to think anyway???
Now for the that’s and this’s!
In the “That’s Great!” category–I would like to congratulate Winnie, aka Winntinn for being the winner of my first giveaway in collaboration with SkinActives! She will receive the Serum Formulation Kit. I can’t wait to hear from her with news of how she’s enjoying her kit and I hope she enjoys it as much as I enjoy mine!
Winnie will have a blast mixing all these great ingredients together. And the serum will take the place of primer during these summer months!
The serum made from the kit’s ingredients glides on nicely and gives a good protective layer from the elements. It is definitely a part of my regular morning routine!
If you take a closer look you can see that I’ve created my serum a bit on the thinner side. I’m very happy with it and I love my cute little dispenser!!
I like that the dispenser is on the smaller side so there won’t be an overabundance of serum. This will last a while because you only need a small amount!
Vivant SkinCare sent some products to me to try out. I’m especially over-the-moon excited to try the Mandelic Acid 3-in-1 Wash and their Wink Eye Rejuvenation Cream.
Products by VivantSkincare that I’ll be trying and reviewing: Left to Right–Mandelic Acid 3-in-1 Wash; Day Treatment Lotion, SPF 15; 3% Mandelic Acid 3-in-1 Toner; Derm-A-Renew, Gentle Peptide and Vitamin A; Spin Trap Antioxidant Serum.
This is wonderful because I’m only really getting into serious skincare at 61! I’ve baked my face to the point of Mohs surgery to get rid of skin cancer on my face. Cleansing for me has been Albolene makeup remover and cleanser, and Dove soap. That is what I’ve done in the past and it’s about time I start getting into a more serious routine. I have uneven coloring and I’m getting those brown spots that are not freckles so I’m really looking forward to starting my new skincare regimen. I’ll definitely be reviewing in a few weeks. When I return from vacation, in fact! These products will be poured into little travel sized containers!
This is fun.
My Longchamp Le Pliage is becoming rather tattered but I love using it when travelling! It holds a ton of stuff!
Just when I thought it was a safe bet to carry my usual brown Longchamp Le Pliage while on vacay, Susan of “Une Femme d’un Certain Age” wrote a post about handbags to carry while traveling! (Click on the link to read the post!) She talked some sense into me and now I’ll be taking my Nat & Nin Carrie bag which folds over into a crossbody! It’s more stuff to pack, but I’ll sneak this bag into Bonaparte’s suitcase!
My Nat & Nin Carrie bag. I LOVE Nat & Nin bags!
Folded over, Carrie makes a mighty fine crossbody bag! I cannot apologize for the spilled coffee stains on my raggy old tee shirt. Nor can I apologize for not picking Chippy’s bone up off the floor. I think he’s munching on the selfie stick! The lipstick is still on–see it???
Thanks Susan!!! She’s so pragmatic–that’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading her blog!
Well, that’s about it on this now Monday afternoon. I swear if I didn’t have to delete over 1,000 photos, I would have enough energy to iron clothes. Instead, I’ll procrastinate while binging on “The Mothers-In-Law” on Hulu. If you are my age, you will remember this show starring Eve Arden and Kaye Ballard. It was typical late 1960’s sitcom humor. I’m still trying to figure out if it was a hit—or a miss! Either way, it’s fun!
I can’t yet decide whether or not the show is a hit or miss because it is so campy. But Kaye Ballard’s bob is spectacular–and is a great, great cut for an older woman. Ballards bob is a hit. On the other hand Arden’s helmet hair is a complete miss!
To refresh your memory or to give you a first glance here’s the theme song from The Mothers-in-Law with lyrics. I have no idea who is singing but the montage and lyrics are great. These lyrics were added much later!
Trust me. I’m not talking about that place. It’s hot enough up here; and the humidity makes it worse.
Hey. Satan and I are pretty friendly, in fact I’ve interviewed him, but it’s too hot to visit him!
No. I’m referring to those who tell me that I should go somewhere else rather than France.
I suppose my France is a bit different than the France of others-and I don’t mean to put that in a snotty way nor do I mean to word that in an entitled way. It’s just that when your better half happens to be a Frenchman who grew up in Paris, has family there and in the South, you go there to visit.
It’s what you do.
Part of my current job in Retail Purgatory Hell is engaging and conversing with customers and potential customers. I happen to like that. In fact, it’s my favorite part of the job. And now that we are closer to vacation season, many women come into the store to purchase bags and totes to bring along on their trips and excursions.
We talk. They tell me where they are going. I swear to god, the majority are going to Italy this summer. Italy is going to be super crowded! I hope there is enough Pasta to feed the masses! We make small talk and they ask me if I’m going away and where am I going and blah, blah, blah.
Oh yeah. Well I’ve been here too. Only passin’ by though!
And then I tell them. “Oh. I’m going to France!”
And the shit hits the high ceiling but at least the florescent lighting gets covered and therefore a bit filtered by it. And I look somewhat better in the filtered lighting!
Yeah. Uh-oh is right! I would rather be stung by a bee than have to listen to others telling me where not to go–and I’m allergic to bees!
Then I get the lecture. The one telling me that I should go somewhere else. Anywhere else but France. Especially Paris.
They also assume because I’m a lowly sales assistant, that I will be traveling outside of the USA for the first time. And visiting France is a huge mistake! I’m glad to see that people truly care for my well-being. The conversations go something like this:
I’ll set up the scenario. Nice customer has just finished telling me where she is going on vacation (to Italy). I’m genuinely happy to hear about it and tell her to have a great time. She, in turn, asks me (in a semi-condescending tone) if I am going anywhere. (As though I don’t have a life). …
Nice Lady: “Tell me dear. Are YOU going anywhere this summer?”
Me (all excited): “YEAH! I’m goin’ a France!”
Nice Lady (suddenly all concerned about me): “You know, France isn’t the best place to travel to these days. It’s incredibly DANGEROUS.” “Look at all the bombings and strikes”. “Perhaps you should just rent a house at the Jersey Shore”.
Me (all “ignorance is blissful” looking): “Oh. My better half grew up in France. He spent his summers in St. Tropez and lived in Paris”. “I’ve been there at least 14 times—it’s really safe……”
Then there is the awkward pause. And Nice Lady continues.
Nice Lady (probably thinking I’m a filthy liar): “Well. I was in Paris twenty years ago. And I’ll never go back because of all the violence and now the flooding”…
And so it goes on and on. People who don’t know me or anything about me pontificating as to why I should not travel to France especially Paris!!!
Granted. Some really bad shit has gone down in Paris over the past two years.
We were in France last year during the infamous taxi strike. The strike became violent.
(AP Photo/Bertrand Combaldieu)
Luckily for us, the strike ended before we left the Cote d’Azur for the return to Paris. Who says the French don’t speak English??? See the sign???
Two years ago we had to deal with striking airline workers. We had to wait for bus transportation from our plane that had just landed on the tarmac at CDG. It took a half hour to wait for the bus that would bring us to the terminal. And when it showed up, it wasn’t air conditioned!!! A whole trente minutes! Wow! Did that ever ruin our vacation!
Are these same people who tell me how dangerous France is the same people who live here in the States? Do they read a newspaper or watch the news on TV?
Do they not hear about all of the mass shootings in this country? Um. I used to work in the World Trade Center. Remember what happened there—in New York??
Road rage is a popular sport here and is increasing with participants by the day!
PMS Road Rage is even worse!
We may not be big on strikes, but we have violent protests and political rallies!
I’m not voting for Trump, but rather than having to get all violent about it, I’ll make my voice heard by VOTING for someone else.
Our lax gun laws allow any person who suffers from anger issues or any other behavioral issue to acquire a piece and shoot innocent people in malls, movie theatres, schools, parks and basically anyplace they choose. And laws never change to stop this naughty behavior.
Look—I’m not getting into writing what’s wrong v. what’s right with our country or any other country.
I would just like to set the record straight. France isn’t that bad. In fact, France is a pretty cool place. And I want to show you.
So come along and look at some pics I’ve taken over the years and I’ll mention what I really love about my France…
I loved looking at the tip of the Eiffel Tower from Daniele’s apartment. I miss her so much but we had some great memories at her place…
Bonjour little Eiffel Tower. Hmmm. I have no idea why this black border is on my photo. What did I screw up this time?
I also love this view while driving along the Seine. Lady Liberty and the Eiffel Tower. It never becomes tired!
I love the streets of Paris early in the morning. All is calm and quiet and gives you a better feel of how beautiful she has aged and continues to age.
Shhhh! Rue Seguier early in the AM!
I love the street signs. You always know where you are and which arrondissement you are in.
Can you tell that I’m very happy in the 6th arr??
Wow. I guess I really DO stick close to the neighborhood!
…and another favorite Parisian sign!
I love being greeted upon entering a boulangerie or boucherie or any boutique. The shop staff may not be all fake smiles, but they are polite and helpful and never fail to tell you to have a good day either!
Some take photos of the sights. I capture the meat…
...and the bread. Oops! I mean baguette that I ate after taking this photo!
I love Paris in the fall. On an overcast day. The lighting of the sky gives a beautiful color to the buildings.
Fall is my favorite time of year to visit Paris!
I love Place Dauphine. Anytime.
Place Dauphine in the Fall…
..and as Bonaparte explains–in the evening!
I love driving around Paris with Bonaparte. In my delusional world, he is my chauffer….
Ok. Well, this time the cab driver is our chauffer..
Now I see where Bonaparte’s cousin, Hugo Gelin, gets his cinematic talent!
I love a spur-of-the-moment day trip outside of Paris.
Monet’s gardens at Giverny. The place where I was brutally attacked by the flora known as “Asian Selfie Stick”. I still have scars!
…I really loved Napoleon’s place at Fontainbleu. There’s no money like OLD money. So understated!
At what about that little Chateau at Chambord? The French are so discreet. I could live here!
The most moving, overwhelming and somber day trip we’ve taken from Paris was to the beach, the memorial and the cemeteries at Normandy. Every American visiting France needs to visit…
I love City Pharma and stopping there for my goodies every time I’m in Paris.
You can have Channel and Louie V. I’ll have more fun in girly beauty and skincare heaven at my favorite discount haunt. CityPharma!!
I love the drive to the South.
Driving from Paris to the South during low season is a pleasure. Look at this vista I snapped in Vezelay!
..and where else but Burgundy can an oncoming rain storm in the distance appear to be so beautiful?
We can drive through little towns….
..and get a bit of ancient history–like the Arena at Nimes!
..and you can see familiar sights should you become homesick!
I love the apartment we’ve rented in Theoule for the past six years. It feels like home.
View from the terrace of the Theoule apartment. It is one of my happiest happy places!
The entrance to blissful living in France!
I love relaxing at the pool or…
…the beaches at Cannes early in the morning..
You never know who will become your friend! This guy almost attacked Bonaparte because he became so attached and protective of me!
I love a nice lunch al fresco!
A relaxed lunch in St. Tropez!
…and my annual trip to Rondini for sandals makes my feet happy!
As a good Catholic girl, I love going to Church in France!
I’m always stopping by to give the saints a big hello..(and a prayer that I win the lottery)
Chapel in Cabris…
The Abbaye du Thoronet–a very spiritual visit indeed.
Ain’t nothing wrong with idol worship either..
The French Saint-Alain Delon. I think I made Bonaparte drive past this in Cannes millions of times. I bow to you oh Saint of Handsome Frenchmen!
I love grocery shopping in France.
One Friday evening at Geant Hypermarche in Mandelieu had this lovely lady giving me much more than one sampling of Havana club–and I wasn’t carded!
Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus. His name is Papa Noel and he gave the grocery stores in France permission to sell lots of beverages for grown ups!
One can never have enough cheese–and the cheap stuff is better than the expensive stuff here in the States!
Oh..and the outdoor markets are just as fun..
Me many years ago in a Parisian market during the winter. Then Bonaparte got upset with me because I stopped to have fun with the Olive man. Bonaparte did not film those goings on…
I’m glad I was able to upload my old videos. Who knew they would end up on my blog someday!
Poisson du jour…
….et plus du fromage. Oh..my French is coming back to me! This is an oldie and I look like crap but it’s the only video I have of me and Daniele together. See? She’s next to me!
Now. Do you think France is a horrible place to visit? I sure don’t! Thanks for looking at the pics and even more thanks for watching my horrific videos. This is the first time I’m posting my home made vids. Should I do more videos in the future?
XOXOXOXO!!!
Today I’m giving you “Les Copains d’Abord” by Georges Brassens. He’s one of my faves and his songs are like poems. But moreso, this was the song that was played as we left the church after Daniele’s funeral. It’s special…
The first warm-weather, three-day Holiday Weekend to welcome summer (even though it is Sprummer—Spring + Summer), is over.
I spent my Memorial Day in what is no longer “Retail Hell” but “Retail Purgatory”. It’s getting better.
My strategy is not so much to concentrate on sales, but to get as little in returns as possible. I do not, nor will I pressure anyone into purchasing a bag. No woman should purchase a handbag that she isn’t crazy about. Therefore I “assist” in helping one to purchase a handbag. I don’t “sell”!
I assisted many women and was honest in my opinions of the handbags they chose. My day turned out to be a great one!
Now that that’s outta the way…
Yesterday I was a bit under the weather. I drank wine after our aperitifs. A LOT of wine. I can’t do that because I get sick. My body doesn’t react well.
I forgot that I cannot mix any kind of alcoholic drinks. Ever! But–I have no regrets!
When the heat and humidity are mixed in, I get really sick and need to be parked in front of the bathroom.
Ok–so my one regret was that I was sick. All day!
Anyway, it was a great day to binge-watch TV. It was hot as balls and my head hurt! I was hung over. It was a welcome change from my usual binge eating! I’m going to tell you what I’m watching right now…
…and I spent the day binge-watching from the sofa in the downstairs family room. Remotes at the ready!
I’m still amazed that, at first view, I couldn’t stand this show. It pays to keep watching!
This Netflix series is in its second season. It was recommended to me last year by my son Roman. I watched two episodes then called him up and told him that the show was an epic fail for me. It was too much like “30 Rock”—a show I loved during the first two seasons then couldn’t go on because it jumped the shark into the land of the ridiculous. And not in a good way either.
I’m not a huge fan of Tina Fey, who is one of the writers and producers. Yes. I said it. I may be the only woman who isn’t crazy about her. I don’t find her writing to be “laugh-out-loud” funny, nor do I find her acting to be anything special.
Roman told me to get past those first few episodes and it would get better.
So I did. And I found myself binge watching. I watched the entire second season.
In a nutshell the ever bubbly and optimistic and cheery Kimmy Schmidt (perfectly played by Ellie Kemper, gets rescued from fifteen years of being held prisoner from a cult-like existence along with a few other women. John Hamm has a recurring role as the Rev. Richard Wayne Gary Wayne. The Fundie cult leader who kidnapped Kimmy.
Kimmy moves to New York, is befriended by Lillian Kaushtupper, who becomes Kimmy’s landlady. Kimmy moves in with Titus Andromedon, a mostly out-of-work actor and deliciously flamboyant in his gayness!
Kimmy becomes employed by wealthy New York socialite trophy wife Jacqueline White. And the fun begins.
The cast is great. And Jane Krakowski is my favorite. She plays that narcissistic, condescending bitch so well. It’s her timing. She’s got it! (Krakowski was my favorite on 30 Rock too!)
Jane Krakowski gets my vote as one of the best comedic actors ever! ( I honestly don’t know what I would do without these great gifs from Tumblr and Giphy! Thanks to both)
And if you thought Carol Kane was great as Latka’s wife, Simka on the sitcom “Taxi”—she’s even better in Kimmy Schmidt! She is the quintessential liberal New York City resident who is living in the past—back to the days before Giuliani turned the greatest city into an urban Disneyworld!
Kane may be a bit older than her Taxi days, but her hair is still epic. And her character of Lillian is just so familiar!
Tituss Burgess as Kimmy’s roommate Titus is also perfectly cast. He’s flamboyant but without being patronizing. He’s such a sweetie that you would actually want him as one of your besties!
Titus’ personality is just so….so..unique!!!!
…and completely relateable and human!
And lastly, Ellie Kemper. I couldn’t stand her when she was in The Office. I thought she was just someone who got lucky in being case because she added nothing to the show. What I didn’t know is that she is one talented woman.
Kemper is sunshine in a bottle. The character of Kimmy Schmidt is just so positive and she never gives up—no matter how bad things get. She is the eternal sunshine pumper but she isn’t syrupy.
And even employed as an elf she still shines through. Note–I was employed as a Christmas elf while in high school. I was not smiling.
Season two has Amy Sedaris popping up in a few episodes as Krawkowski’s society friend.
Sedaris plays Krakowski’s friend Mimi. I’m jealous of her fake tan!
I don’t want to give anything away but the show is just a feel-good, positive little bundle of fun.
It’s not perfect by any means. Fey comes on board later in the season and I get the feeling she just couldn’t let go of Liz Lemon. It’s kind of annoying.
The other annoying thing is the show moves at an incredibly fast rate—as though it has an attention deficit/hyperactive disorder and needs a dose of Ritalin at times.
But the good outweighs the bad. This isn’t a laugh out loud show for me. But it is sweet and has heart—and that’s why I’ve learned to love it. I’m looking forward to Season Three.
Kimmy Schmidt doesn’t have that LOL quality for me….but “It’s Always Sunny” DOES have it!
The show that does make me laugh out loud, and is also a great binge watch is “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.
“Sunny” has been on the air since 2005. Now on FXX you can binge it on On Demand and Netflix.
For laughs out loud, THIS is the funniest show on TV. EVER! It relocated from FX to FXX.
I swear to God, I cannot get through an episode of this show without laughing so hard that I start to cry. It’s like “Seinfeld” for barflies and other depraved personalities!
The show centers on “The Gang” four friends, two of whom are brother and sister. The gang is Charlie Kelly, Ronald Mac Mc Donald, Dennis Reynolds and Dee Reynolds. Also in the gang is Frank Reynolds, played by Danny DeVito.
The Gang. Left to Right. Rob McElhenney, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito, Glen Howerton and Charlie Day
Glen Howerton (Dennis Reynolds), Charlie Day, (Charlie Kelly) and Rob McElhenney (Mac) are the writers. McElhenney created the show and Howerton developed it. Kaitlin Olson (Dee) is married to McElhenney—she got a very funny husband from the show. Who says you can’t meet your better half at work?
The subject matter on this show is so politically incorrect and so off-the-wall and so wrong on so many levels—not to add a bit shocking, that it makes “It’s Always Sunny” one of the funniest shows ever on TV. It’s just been renewed for two more seasons. I can’t wait.
This is the kind of stuff laughs are made of on Sunny. It’s so incredibly degenerate–and I mean that in the best way!
Honestly, if you love taboo subjects you have to watch this show. I’m laughing just thinking about it.
This year’s season finale had the gang drowning…that’s all I’m gonna say. You have to see this for yourself!
It’s ironic too, that “Sunny”, which focuses on the bad and degenerate personalities is actually roll on the floor laughing, while “Kimmy”, which is light and sweet is funny also, but doesn’t make me roar laughing!
Two other shows that I would recommend for summer viewing—especially when you need to escape the heat and sit in A/C for a good afternoon are:
The talents of Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are showcased on Portlandia…
both portray a cast of recurring characters in this comedy about life in Portland, Oregon!
And “Playing House” on USA network.
Jessica St. Clair (l) and Lennon Parham, real-life friends, created and wrote this show about two friends who become housemates due to life-changing events of divorce and job loss!
..and you just never know who may show up on Playing House!
Both shows are humorous and touching!
Well, that’s about it for what I’m watching. I dig those shows with heart…and in “Sunny’s case—heartless; but with laughs and humor!
I’m off to get ready for another job interview. I’m not expecting much but I’m hoping that I can find the humor of the process of interviewing. It helps!
Sunny shows. Sunny song. Here’s Katrina and the Waves “Walking on Sunshine” a blast from the 1980’s! This song always makes me happy!
XOXOXOXO!!!
I’m throwing myself into the 2016 presidential race. Why would I do that? You ask.
It’s because I’m sick and tired of the smear campaigning that is currently taking place. 
That’s right! I’ve had enough of the smear campaign that Donald and Hillary are embarking upon. I am the one who can be more Presidential!
Trump smearing Hillary. Hillary smearing Trump. A Pap smear is more voter friendly than the campaigns of these two morons.
Look at these two. Didja also notice that not one of them has addressed “Ageism”? And they’re OLD!!!!!!
At least Bernie has a political platform. He actually speaks about what he would do for “We the People”—but that’s only if you are we-the-people-under-the-age-of-40! I love his ideas but he’s another one who says nothing about “Ageism”!!! And sadly, Bernie is also guilty of bad mouthing candidates as well.
That’s right. TURN IT OFF. Stop the smear campaigning and tell us what your damn platform is!
My platform would be created to take care of all Americans –especially those of us in the 50+ grouping!
Oh. My campaign would be very nice!
If I were President, I would…
Implement a Federal and more user-friendly healthcare system. ALL Americans would have the same quality healthcare whether wealthy or poor. Healthcare companies from insurance to home health claim “nonprofit” status. Thieves! Administrators and executives draw huge salaries off this not-for-profit status. There IS a profit being made.
I would have auditors go into every single healthcare and Health Insurance Company. I would take the monies from their “nonprofits”, put it into a giant kitty, and distribute it back to all the people who have paid into healthcare and health insurance and have gotten screwed!
I would be like Robin Hood and take the monies from the Health Insurance companies that are robbin’ people and give the people back the excess!
Taxes would be minimally raised to ensure that every single American had the same healthcare across the board. People spend more money on beer and cigarettes. They don’t mind how high the taxes for booze or smokes are—but balk if taxes were raised in order help others. Go figure!
Speaking of which, I would also ban all pharmaceutical and healthcare ads from TV and other media.
This is me when watching those friggin’ medical instutition ads!
These ads only feed into the hypochondriac that is deep within our souls. We don’t need to be reminded that we may suffer from a bad disease someday. We don’t need to know that any given medication we are taking may kill us.
Am I tired—or is there something REALLY wrong with me? I live this every day! No more of this on TV!
Medical genre ads would be replaced with additional commercials for house cleaning, laundry and sanitizing products. After all, if you have a clean and spotless home, you will have less chance of becoming ill from germs and carpet mites.
Ads like this are so much more important than disease and medicine ads. After all, cleanliness and cleaning products KILL germs that make you sick!
Oh. And on the subject of carpet mites—I would also ban wall-to-wall carpeting in construction of new homes. Hardwood floors are organic and more user-friendly. And to those who are already in homes with established carpeting, a tax cut would be in place if you replace the carpeting with an organic substance such as tiles, hardwood, or cement. Just sayin’.
My Secretary of Medical Stuff Like Insurance and Healthcare would be Dr. Who. Because Who Cares!!
That’s right! Who cares? I rest my case.
Higher Education and Student Loans. No student should have to go into debt for a college education. EVER! Academics are no longer the most important aspect of colleges and universities. Sports are. And these institutions are making a ton of money in connection with sports. These institutions are also sitting on huge endowment funds which collect interest. Where’s the money going?? Administrators and professors are making ridiculous amounts of money.
Wait!!!!
I thought teaching was a passion and not so much a money-making machine. I would cut sports scholarships and concentrate on intelligence and smarts to get a student into the college of their choice. I would also make sure to cut those large salaries of certain staff members and spend less on the sports programs in order to see that tuition is lowered to a more affordable rate.
Secretary of Education is an important position in my cabinet and the title would go to Billy Madison. Billy is well-aware of the benefits of a decent education and he is relateable to everyone!
Billy Madison. My Secretary of Education because he KNOWS the value of a good one. He’s such a learned man/child!
And banks? Well, should a student still need a loan to cover whatever costs they can’t afford, the banks would offer loans at an interest-free rate! Don’t even get me started on our financial institutions. Obama should have placed those white-collar criminals in jail. Instead they walked away Scott free while the average person suffered financial ruin and job loss.
Screw you banks and financiers. MY Secretary of Finance is going to be Bonaparte! Yeah. It could be called cronyism or nepotism, but Monsieur Bonaparte saved me from financial ruin and got my credit rating from the bottom of the barrel to almost perfect! If he could do it for me, he could do it for our country!
Bonaparte saved me from financial ruin. He’s very much the soldier on the war of impulse spending. He is what our country needs!
Ageism. This is the most intense “ism” we now have. Unfortunately this is the ‘ism” that gets swept under the carpet. None of these idiot politicians are speaking out against this horrific issue either. Trust me. I need someone who would see to it that large corporations are HEAVILY FINED for NOT hiring the over 50 crowd. And I would make them hire people of the over 50 group in addition to heavy fines! I need someone ballsy enough to make the country aware that older people are a force to be reckoned with and are intelligent and fun. I need strong personalities to fight the fashion and beauty industries on their obsession with youth! Looks like I’m going to have to go with a team of imports on this. Hey. I’m fine with immigration.
My new Secretaries Against Ageism. Ladies and Gents, I present Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone!
That’s right beauty and fashion industries. You too big corporations–because Patsy will kick you in the ass!
And Edina and Patsy will be teaching the older citizens to party hearty!
It is also my vision to end “race profiling” on the roads and highways. That’s right. Speeding! Enough of the police trying to snag people who are racing over the speed limit by 10 and 20 miles per hour. I’ll make the patrolling officers go after those who drive at….a….snail’s……pace…..in the left hand lane. $200.00 ticket for you since you don’t understand the meaning of “fast” lane.
Yeah. YOU–your car is NOT a rickshaw so get out of the left-hand lane!
Another $500.00 fine will be given to anyone texting! Hey, you may think you are important, but you aren’t. Texting kills. Texting causes other drivers to become so stressed that they could become drinking drivers. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m bringing Eric Estrada out of retirement to be my Secretary of Highways and Byways!
You just KNOW that Chipster Eric will take care of our highways! Would YOU give him a hard time?
Forget about Secretary of the Interior. I’m creating the position of Secretary of the Interior Design! Every American needs to realize that they can turn their home into their private Oasis! Whether you are a millionaire or whether you live in a trailer park, your home is your castle. We all need to live in tranquility and who better to teach us that than……
Christopher Lowell! YES! I’m bringing my gay pretend husband out of obscurity. His decorating show from the late 1990’s to the early 2000’s was a must watch for me. I miss him terribly. He was one of my delusional bffs while the kids were at school. I would pretend that Christopher would come over to my house to decorate! He would be sooooooooo much fun as our Secretary of the Interior Design! And I’ll bet he hates carpeting!!!
My delusional best friend forever, Christopher Lowell will make everyone’s home their beautiful castle!
Naturally, other positions will be available but I do want to add a few more.
Secretary of the Gender-Friendly Public Bathrooms. I’ve got some news here. We’ve all been living with gender-friendly public bathrooms for years.
Ever been to a public pool? Yeah. I thought so!
“I’m Not Right In the Head.com” took this wonderful picture of the original gender neutral bathroom!
Ever been to the beach? There are more bodily fluids than just Number 1 in that big toilet!
Here’s the more organic gender-friendly bathroom!
And in our home growing up, we needed multiple gender-friendly bathrooms because some people spent more time than others on the throne!
My Secretary for this position would be none other than Miss Richfield 1981. She’s a woman who knows how to work a crowd. She’s incredibly patriotic and she can turn the ocean at “P” town, into “PP town” for one and all!
She’s a beauty. She’s a cutie. She’s my twin and she’s fierce. We need Miss Richfield! See how patriotic she is!!
I need a Secretary of Kindness. Kindness counts, you know. Look how mean the people of our great country have become. Ever read some of the comments on the CNN Facebook page when it comes to politics? Wow! There is so much hate and anger. It’s sad.
We need more kindness with some hugs thrown in!
Meet our new Secretary of Kindness. LeBron James. He lived 23 Acts of Kindness and Giving. He knows how to give back. I love you LeBron!
LeBron will turn our country around from meanness to kindness!
In addition, I’m sick of entitlement. It’s such an unattractive and smug tone. But I see it everywhere. First off, I’m getting rid of those idiotic “Reserved for Pregnant Women and Mothers of Children” signs. WTF is this anyway? Entitled adults teaching their offspring more entitlement. Get out and walk the distance from your parked car to the store. You don’t need to be treated special because you are NOT special.
So what if you have to walk a bit further to the store. Your labor will be easier and your kids will get some exercise. Where are the spots reserved for “65 and Over”? What a lack of respect for our elders!
And don’t get me started on the Handicapped parking spots either. Those spots should truly be reserved for those who cannot even walk out of their car! Do you know how many times I’ve seen people jump out of their cars and run into the stores like an Olympic sprinter? And their cars have handicapped plates.
No. No more! If you want handicapped plates, you had better darn well be in need of them because you are the ones who deserve them! Period!
I’m also tired of our overabundance of political correctness and the whining that goes hand-in-hand with it.
If someone compliments you on your appearance it is NOT offensive! If someone tells you your tits are standing as erect as two pink torpedoes—well, that’s offensive!
Hey. I’m all for empowering women–but this cartoon speaks volumes for how ridiculous PC has become!
If you are greeted with a friendly hug by a friend or co-worker it is NOT a sexual harassment.
If some leech grabs your ass and squeezes it then gets a glazed look in his eyes—that’s sexual harassment!
And so for these issues, I am appointing a Secretary of Ethics . There is only one man for the job and that, my friends, is Bill Maher! He gets it!
No Bill. You are NOT wrong! You are so correct!
..unfortunately, these days you DO know what you are going to get. A liar and a self-important thief. With the exception of ME!
His job will be so difficult and taxing that I’m appoint an Assistant Secretary of Ethics. Margaret Cho! She’s another one who gets it. And she’s got a great sense of humor!
Yup! Margaret doesn’t drive slowly in the left-hand lane! She is also incredibly politically incorrect. She’s going to be a great assistant to Secretary Maher!
Another thing. I’m giving my buddy Hipster Jesus a well-deserved rest!
Here’s looking at you too, Jesus. I’m getting you out of politics once and for all!
He’s getting the heave-ho from politics. He told me last night in a dream that he was tired and fed up with all the faux-Christian ideology in politics. He said that these “filthy pigs” (Hey, Jesus said it!) use him as an excuse for racism, hate and bigotry. I gave old Jesus the side eye until he added ageism!
Hey Jesus! Take the scarf off–and the tunic too. Get your shorts on because you are going on a serious vacay to become “Bless-ed and Rested”!
There’s so much more work that I need to do for my 2016 campaign, but I can promise that I will not send troops out to be maimed and killed over matters that are not our business!! And I will make sure that our vets get the respect and the emotional and physical care that they so deserve. Don’t mess with my soldiers!
Soldiers. You will all be back home now. I mean it. And I’m gonna take great care of every single one of you!
Oh. And one last thing. Sacha Baron Cohen will be my new “Speaker of the House”. But he needs to wear the same outfit he wore as Thenardier in “Le Miz”. That outfit was of epic greatness!It was so Napoleonic!
Call me shallow, but Cohen is so much hotter as Thenardier than Borat!
In addition, Cohen would be a great Speaker of the House because he could also go all Borat on the political bozos in congress!
Here’s a sneak peek at Cohen’s great political work!
No. He’s MY “Speaker of The House”!!
I’ll make America Greater! And more fun. And more kind! Enjoy the rest of this Memorial Day Weekend! XOXOXOXO
I'm honored!
A Ray of Sunshine!
