Atypical 60

Disorganized Crime. Part Two

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Catherine

Thursday, January 07, 2016. Friday, January 8, 2016. (I procrastinated)

I finally wrote and posted Disorganized Crime. Part One yesterday morning! Now for Disorganized Crime–Part Two:

We left off with my timeline at 4:30 PM on Tuesday, January 5. My intentions were to go to Wegmans to exchange the Phyllo sheets for Puff Pastry. I swear to god, I had every intention of getting into that car to make the exchange.

But I had to feed Chippy. He likes his meal at precisely 4:30 PM. Every day. What choice did I have? I was so hungry because Chippy’s kibble looked rather appetizing so I made another cup of tea. I didn’t write.

It’s hard to resist this face. But I can use Chippy as an excuse for failing to write!

Some time after dinner, I heard Bonaparte laughing. He was watching “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. I hopped into bed and watched with him then fell asleep.

Just one of the many hysterical scenes from “Curb”!

Yesterday, Wednesday, January 6^th, I woke up chipper and ready to start writing a draft of my post.

Then I realized I had some errands to run. I had to run to Barnes & Noble to renew our membership before it expired! Besides, Barnes & Noble has a Starbucks stand. I could get a non-fat chai latte and use my membership for a discount. Bonaparte would love the fact I’m saving him some money.

With my white roots making me look like Pepe Lepew’s mother older sister, a stop at Sally Beauty to buy hair color was in order.

Yeah–that white stripe down the middle of the hair that I have left on my head could have me passing for a member of the skunk family!

Got dressed, took my sweet time with my makeup and plopped some fake hair atop my real tresses. I’m becoming extremely lazy at wearing fake hair. Forget the wig cap, I just wear it like a hat—besides, with the cold weather, my head is kept nice and toasty!

See? I plopped my “helper” hair atop my own. However, I did manage to pull out a few strands to blend. See the white? Damn. I just noticed how shitty my skin looks! Perhaps I should start a “GoFundMe” account for a face lift!

Lastly, I had to stop at Wegmans. I gave up on the idea of exchanging the phyllo—I could save it to use later on. I would just buy the puff pastry. With my new “diet” change of eating habits, I also needed ground turkey and lettuce. We used up the last of the Jasmine rice and I needed to buy more.

After my errands were run, then I could start writing!

Oh wait. The Gallette des Rois needs to be baked before I can write. I can’t write while something is in the oven. It ruins my Mental Feng Shui. (Basically, I’m a bullshit artist but mental fun shui is a great excuse…) then I would write!

I got in the car and turned on the radio. Carly Simon’s “Anticipation” was playing. I started singing but changed the words:

“Dis-org’nization. Dis-org’niz-a-a-shun.

Is making me late. Is stifling my wri-i-i-i-i-iting”

I also decided to stop back at the Staples that located near the Barnes & Noble in Paoli—perhaps I would find 7-hole paper there. Not a chance. In desperation, I ended up purchasing an entire year’s worth of refills for the daily planner. I channeled my inner Tom Gunn and would just have to “make it work”.

This is what I ended up with. Perhaps the daily notes would help me be more organized than plain paper. I’ll make it work!

Went to Sally, picked up my hair dye. And conditioner. And a couple of hair nets for my fake hair. And proceeded to have a twenty-minute conversation about life and the upcoming season of “Mob Wives” with the store’s manager. I love her. Our conversation about the mob wives was so deep.

It’s so much fun to bond with others who love Mob Wives as much as I do. This season will be epic because Carla AND Love will be back–and they’ve gotten rid of the Philadelphia trash! Aren’t these women the quintessence of pulchritude?

It felt so great to renew the Barnes & Noble membership. I have to tell you—in my lifetime, I’ve allowed gym memberships to expire, library cards to expire, driver’s licenses to expire, way too much food to expire, and a passport to expire. But I’ve never allowed my Barnes & Noble membership to expire. I’ve had this membership since my kids were young. Barnes & Noble is one of my happy places. Bonaparte gladly paid for this. He really is a giver.

I’m queen of the literary world when I’m at Barnes & Noble. I could and HAVE spent hours here! It’s such a happy place!

Another task checked off and I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment. Onward and upward to Wegmans.

Wegmans is continuing to climb higher and higher in position on my shit list. They were out of stock on the Jasmine Rice. There was no ground turkey anywhere to be found. Tell me. What major grocery chain does NOT have any lettuce? If you guessed Wegmans, you are correct! Ground beef was a substitution for the turkey and gluten-free spring roll wrappers would have to be a substitute for lettuce. Wegmans used to be greatness—don’t get me started!

Home again, home again, jiggity jig! And before I start the gallette, I try my hand at making spring rolls. Visually, it was a complete fail. But tastefully, they were great!

Proof that decent cooks can fail at presentation. Looks awful but tasted really really good!

Next was making the Gallette des Rois. I should have doubled up on the filling but I would have been tempted to eat it.

: Ready for the oven

: Finished Gallette

This year I used the Epicurious recipe. I would NOT use it again because the recipe was too skimpy on the filling. I am also not adding the link to the recipe because it froze my computer.

After a quick check at my emails I saw that Sloan Toyota sent me a “reminder” that my car was due for a checkup on January 7^th at 8AM. Was I that dumb to make an appointment so early in the morning? I called the dealer and rescheduled the appointment for later in the day. My stinking car has better “medical” coverage than I do! If I gain any more weight, I’ll be the size of an SUV. Hmmm. Maybe I can go to the car dealer for a checkup on my body!!

Look at that. “Service Reception” for cars. I swear my car is better serviced than I am!

Ohhhh. I could organize my daily planner at the car dealer while I’m waiting for the car to be serviced! I’m a wiz at multi-tasking!

It was almost time to start dinner and I promised myself that I would start to write after dinner.

I did it. I finally started a draft for my disorganized crime. Photos were uploaded and it was getting late. So I went to bed and getting under all those covers was just so comfy.

I may be disorganized but at the end of the day, being sandwiched in between Bonaparte and Chippy reminds me that life is good, great!

Winding things up: It is now 8:03 AM. I am happy to say that my two binders are now organized and I’m feeling so much better and am actually listening to the sound of ideas rattling in my head. It’s writing time again!

The weather outside is delightfully shitty—which makes me happy to sit at the computer and bang on the keyboard all day. I’m eagerly and gleefully anxious to read others’ blog posts. Yes. It’s gonna be a good day.

But before I go on. I’ll give you a tiny synopsis of how my disorganization went yesterday:

I changed my car’s appointment for 11 AM. Before I got dressed, I published my post and felt tremendously accomplished.

I was able to organize my binders at the auto dealer. (Then got bored and played “Candy Crush” on my phone) Sloan Toyota has a remarkable waiting area equipped with never-ending cups of coffee, a large screen TV, and little desks so that you can work on your laptop or whatever else you are working on.

Sloan Toyota has the cutest cubicles for personal space. Maybe I should visit on a regular basis!

On the way home, I stopped at “Giant” supermarket in search of the ground turkey and rice that Wegmans failed to stock.

..and might I add, the rice and ground turkey were less expensive at Giant than at Wegmans. I need to revisit Giant more often!

Then, I couldn’t help myself. I ran into “Family Dollar” store and picked up a few items.

: Valentines Day items

: Who doesn’t remember THIS bowl for cereal??

: The Ninja Turtles always remind me of when Jake and Roman were young!

These items are why I love rummaging through dollar stores. Why spend money on holiday decorations anywhere else? I tell you, I was so tempted to purchase this bowl. It would be great for sipping that last bit of soup you just cannot get with a spoon. Bonaparte would have had a stroke if he saw me using this though–so I put it back. And the Turtles. My boys loved them so much!!

I ended up buying (From leftish to rightish). A stylus for my phone, a blue pouch for my pens and sticky notes to further organize my writing, a can of mandarin oranges as they are great in salads to sweeten the tartness of onions, +325 reader glasses–a BUCK–I no longer have a vision insurance plan so at some point I’ll need these dollar eye glasses. I put them away for future use, the case to place my dollar eye glasses in, MORE sticky notes, a large print crossword puzzle book and new oven mitts. $9.00 of Bonaparte’s hard-earned money well-spent!

When I arrived home, I completed the process of organizing both binders! What should have taken a day at most, took three days due to my lollygagging and procrastinating and lack of organization. But, for now—my “Disorganized Crime” has been arrested imprisoned!

Two binders. Completely organized. I keep a photo booth pic of me and Oona for happiness. I also labeled the tabs!

Carly Simon’s “Anticipation” has been on my mind all day. Here it is—what a great song! XOXOXOXOXO!!

Posted in Attempts at organizing, Disorganized life, humor, Procrastination | Tagged Carly Simon, Family Dollar, Gallette des Rois, Giant, Sloan Toyota, Wegmans | 18 Comments

Disorganized Crime. Part One.

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Catherine

Truthfully, I have so much to say about nothing. But before I can do that, I need to get organized. It’s a weird thing. When I was employed, my organization skills were stellar. I’m pretty sure that’s because I was paid to be efficient and organized.

On the other hand, my personal organization skills suck. My day planners and agendas have all fell to an early death—usually within days of starting to organize my life. And my emotional state of mind definitely has an effect on my lack of organization.

I get into these “moods” where I absolutely have to complete one task to move on to the other.

It is happening now with my writing.

I am stymied because my personal disorganization is a crime. Oh. I’m very organized when it comes to preparing a meal or packing for a trip or organizing an event or family gathering. But when organizing for me it falls apart.

It’s late Wednesday afternoon. I’m just getting around to writing a blog post that came to mind yesterday but in order to write, there were some tasks that needed to be done. You know what? I’m just gonna give you a timeline of my disorganized attempt to be organized. It started like this…

7 AM. Wake up and enjoy my morning cup of coffee that Bonaparte brewed. I slowly drink while thinking about being organized and thinking about blog posts. I also think about how I’m procrastinating by lazing in bed.

9AM. Put makeup on. Get dressed. Get undressed and redressed. Ugh. My roots are so in need of color that I just throw some fake hair on top of my real hair—like a hat!

I even managed to brush on a nice shade of lipstick applied very carefully and add a smile!

10AM. Get in car and drive to Staples to get organized. I will revisit my old Franklin Covey Day Planner.

10:15. Exit car. Remote isn’t locking my car. Look down at keys. Oh shit! I took Bonaparte’s keys instead of mine. (He keeps my spare on his key chain). Get back into car and rush home before Bonaparte leaves to see client. He won’t be happy if his keys are gone.

10:30. Home. Bonaparte laughs and tells me he has a spare car key. I didn’t need to rush home. However, since I’m here, I run upstairs to adjust my fake hair. I ask Chippy if he wants to come with me. He runs downstairs to the door.

Yes. I had to adjust my fake hair. I blend the fake with the real for a more “faux natural” look!

10:45. Back at Staples. Sales Assistant approaches me and asks me if I need help. I’m guessing since he saw me talking to myself rather loudly, store management asked him to keep an eye on me. I explain to him that I need lined note paper for the refillable 7-hole binder. All I can find is three-holed refills. He tells me I cannot use 3-hole paper in a 7-holed binder because the holes don’t line up correctly. I ask him if he thinks I am one asshole. He doesn’t think I am very “punny”. I also tell him I am OCD and will make the 3-holed paper fit into the 7-holed agenda. Visibly shaken, he runs away from me. I check to see if my fake hair is on straight.

I’m sure you are smart and intelligent enough to figure out that the three-holed paper would NEVER fit into the 7-holed binder. I’m not smart nor am I logical enough to figure this out!

Now I can go home and write!!!!! Oh wait. I need to stop at Wegmans.

11:30. Wegmans. I get pissed off and threaten to write a letter to corporate offices because once again, they are rearranging the freaking store and I cannot find what I need. After wasting time in search of healthy food and puff pastry for the Galette des Rois for Epiphany, I finally make it to the cashier. The cashier asks me with a smug grin “Did you find everything you were looking for?”. I’m thinking “No you smug bitch. I didn’t find everything I was looking for because the powers that be within Wegmans insist on rearranging the fucking store every three months”. Instead, I just blabber “Eh. Yeah, but it would have taken me less time if they didn’t constantly move everything around so often……” I go to the Customer Service desk and purchase six lottery tickets. Powerball. Someone who gets their ticket at an obscure gas station in the Ozarks will win. I will just be out twelve bucks.

12:45. Home. Undress and get into comfy Old Navy PJ bottoms and tee shirt. Take off fake hair and put what is left of real hair into a messy bun. Go downstairs and put groceries away.

It should have only taken a moment to put these groceries away. Instead, I took out People, read about the people who lost half their weight and did some self-loathing because I can’t even manage to lose 25 pounds!

I notice that I purchased Phyllo dough sheets instead of Puff Pastry. I’ll have to make another trip to Wegmans. Prepare to write by making a nice cup of tea. I glance in the living room and wonder if the “good” slipcovers that I washed on Sunday are air dried.

This phyllo dough was placed behind the sign that read “puff pastry”. Now I have to actually LOOK at what I’m grabbing for?????

1 PM. The slipcovers are dried. I’ll write after I take the temporary slipcovers off the sofa and then put the “good” slipcovers back on the sofa. Oh..and I might as well wash the slipcovers I just took off—then I’ll write.

Nice. The “Good” slipcovers were dried. Now I can place them back on the sofa!

1:10 PM. I start to iron the good slipcovers and stop. It’s just too much. Besides, I ironed the most important part—the skirt. Put iron and ironing board away and notice a little CD case on the bookshelf. OMG! It’s my backup of John Mayer’s “Born and Raised”! I’m so happy because I thought it was lost. (Don’t judge. I have backups for all my John Mayer, Kinks, and Jimi Hendrix CD’s. You never know when your car will be broken into.)

I was so happy to find this so conveniently located, that I ended up playing it. I must have “repeated” Walt Grace twenty times!

I run upstairs to put the good slipcovers on the sofa. What a struggle. I break out in a sweat—this is such great exercise for me. I stop to admire how nice and new the sofa looks. I need to wash the slipcovers on a more regular basis. I sit down to play a round of “Candy Crush”.

Looks so much better with cleaned slipcovers. I really need to paint those walls. Maybe Bonaparte will be summoned to France for family business soon. Then I can “sneak” a DIY paint job. I want a light gray color!

1:45 PM. I gather the temporary slipcovers and take them downstairs to launder. It’ll take three hours to do two loads. I’ll write after the slipcovers are washed. In the meantime, I’ll organize my 7-Hole Daily Planner. I should have listened to the sales assistant at Staples. There is no way the 3-holed paper is going to fit into the 7-ringed planner. Fuck my life. Somewhere in the bowels of one of the bins in the hall closet is a 3-holed binder that I use as a reference point for information about my trips to France. My bright idea is that I’ll take the France information out of the 3-ringed binder and use that as my new planner and journal and use the 7 ringed planner as my France binder.

THIS is the binder I searched for. Just my luck it was in the last bin!

I go into the closet and take the bins out. My back begins to hurt. The binder I am searching for is in the very last bin I take out of the closet. I put the bins back in the closet and go over to the coffee table to try to organize my binders. After the slipcovers are washed and after the binders are organized I’ll finally start to write.

THIS is how I organize. I even purchased one of those flash drives to store my writing in! I only hope I remember to use it!

Jesus H. Christ! I had no idea that “Where Angels Go Trouble Follows” was on while I was organizing AND listening to John Mayer. More procrastination!

3:55 PM. Almost done. I’ll tell you, I was becoming quite overwhelmed trying to organize these binders. I need to do this because it’ll help me to be more focused on my writing. I need to stop and write down blog post ideas during the day (as if I don’t have enough already). I’m also gathering up ideas for a book. Yes. I’ve been thinking about writing a novel for quite some time now it will come to fruition as I become organized. I go upstairs to make another cup of tea so I don’t start a binge of emotional snacking. I go back into the living room to admire the clean sofa one more time.

Yes. The two sofas are more connected now!

I glance down at the coffee table. Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of “In Style” magazine. WTF? This woman only has ONE expression. I start to think. What came first? Zoolander’s infamous “Blue Steel” post or JLo’s dopey come hither look? I throw the magazine in the trash because I am sick of JLo’s same expression.

This woman has only one expression. She’s a female Zoolander….

..or did Zoolander use Lopez as his posing muse????

4:30 PM. I am ready to write.

No I’m not. I have to go back to Wegmans and exchange the phyllo dough for the puff pastry.

To be continued…..XOXOXOXOXO!!!

In the meantime, have a listen to one of my favorite (and Oona’s) John Mayer songs. “Walt Grace’s Submarine Test–1967”. This song is great because it’s a story. I can actually visualize James Spader in the part of Walt Grace if ever there was a movie based on this song………. The video is great!

Posted in Disorganized life, Personal disorganization, Procrastination, Writing | Tagged John Mayer "Born and Raised". Walt Grace Submarine Test 1967. Wegmans. Puff pastry. Franklin Cover. Daily Planners. Disorganization. J. Lo, Zoolander | 28 Comments

And Just How Long DOES It Take To Do A Load Of Wash?

Posted on January 4, 2016 by Catherine

Well now, if you are me, it depends on the load of wash. Yesterday I decided to give one of our sofas a well-needed cleanse. Since it was the beginning of the New Year, and the tree and all things Christmas were stored away, it would be a good thing if I started spring cleaning a season earlier.

There are three sofas in the chateau. There is also a love seat in the sunroom.

My favorite spot in the house. Those pillows are NOT Christmas pillows. I just love the color red. I did save that little poinsettia. God knows how long it’ll last before I kill it in error!

All sofas are various shades of white and or cream. One sofa, in particular was purchased almost ten years ago—when Bonaparte and I started to live in sinful pleasure. We bought it at Ethan Allen, a high end, expensive, luxury, a “home furnishings” store that sells ridiculously overpriced furniture. The thing is, I like sofas with removable cushions and slipcovers. I also hate that micro-suede, micro-fiber or whatever-the-shit that fabric is that seems to be the latest and greatest in sofa and chair coverings for the past decade.

I also have this “thing” about “plopability”. Plopability being that certain something that makes a piece of furniture incredibly comfortable. If you can plop down on a sofa and chair and be engulfed in total coziness-the item is perfect.

The sofa cost a bit more than two grand at the time. In addition, we I insisted on purchasing an extra set of slipcovers. Just in case.

Did I mention that this overpriced sofa is filled with duck and goose down? Yeah.

Down may make a sofa plopable—but after a couple of years, said sofa looks mighty worn-in and rather unattractive. If you are of the OCD personality—the sofa could appear to look a lot worse than it actually is.

In the years we’ve had this sofa, I’ve washed the lighter of the slipcover sets twice. Both times, the slipcovers washed like a charm. I’ll admit that I’ve gotten rather lazy in cleaning them because it is just Bonaparte and me. I throw a blanket over the slipcovers when I know Chippy will be lazing on any of the sofas.

Anyway, as I inspected the sofa, I noticed a few stains from spills and I also noticed that this set of covers was fucking filthy a bit on the soiled side. I decided to launder them.

Let me tell you this—I definitely got my exercise removing the slipcovers and the covers for the cushions and pillows. I’m also grateful that I did not have tar nor did I have any sticky substances on my clothing or body as I removed these covers. If I did, most of the feathers that escaped through the pillows and cushions would have covered my body and I would have looked like Big Bird’s mommy!

This is the mess I made after removing the slipcovers. A mountain of pillows more saggy than the inside of my bra!

It was bad enough that less than 48 hours beforehand I was on all fours collecting needles from the Christmas tree. Now I was back on all fours collecting feathers from my furniture.

This is just a tiny sampling of the feathers that escaped the pillows and cushions. Most landed either on me or the floor….

And again, Chippy made a bee-line for me to prove his love canine lust for me!

Chippy. Settle down and stop looking at my fat ass!

I started this task at 10 in the morning. By the time I moved the sofa to unzip the main slip cover, pushed the sofa back against the wall again, removed the pillow and cushion covers, picked up the feathers from the floor, and explained to my dog that I was NOT his four-legged girlfriend, a good hour had passed.

The frame is still solid–but the cushions are beginning to really bother me!

But before I washed the set of slip covers, I went down to the garage, found the second set of slipcovers, and climbed back upstairs (exercise) to temporarily dress the sofa until the other set was cleaned.

The amount of exercise I got from removing slipcovers and putting temporary ones on was quiet the workout!

I zipped open the plastic case that the slipcovers were stored in and couldn’t believe my nose. The covers smelled like Ruby, my yellow lab who passed away a few years back. Ruby had been extremely ill and I’ll tell you right now—the scent wasn’t a pleasant one. So now I’m thinking—Okay. I’m going to have to wash these covers too—but I can’t do that until the other covers are washed and dried. But I still can’t leave the sofa uncovered so I’ll have to put these stinky covers on temporarily.

My poor Ruby. I still cry over losing her. She was an incredible little lady. We all miss her so much.

Back downstairs to get the lavender scented laundry spray and run upstairs with it to spray the other set of covers. (More exercise).

I spray clothing that needs to be ironed with this. Since I had no Febreeze, I figured this would work as well….

Again, I moved the sofa away from the wall to put the other slipcover on. Then a push back to the wall to place the sofa back into position. Shoving those down cushions and pillows into their covers was far more of a challenge than removing them. More feathers fell on the carpeting. I not only got to exercise my body but I also got to exercise my vocal chords as a grunted and cursed the living shit out of Ethan Allen. WTF is Ethan Allen anyway??

When the “good” slipcovers are dried, I’ll start the task all over again. I think I’ll also do some research on re-stuffing the cushions. The sofa looks like shit. Expensive shit. VERY expensive shit–but at least it’s comfortable!

I was also getting hungry and since I made a vow to myself to eat and drink “clean”, the only refreshment I could find was my saliva. No. I’m not kidding either. Other than frozen vegetables, frozen shrimp and frozen chicken thighs, my spit was the healthiest snack I could find.

I DID manage to make shrimp and spinach in a nice ginger/chicken broth for dinner. And no, Bonaparte wouldn’t even dream of eating this. I made a huge pot of chili for him. He’s having leftovers tonight!

It was now close to noon. I grabbed the dirty slipcovers and carried them downstairs to the laundry room. Since this was a load of behemoth proportions, this would have to be divided into two separate loads. I “Shout”ed the small stains out, loaded the detergent into the washer, shoved the slipcovers into the front and set the dial to “heavy duty”. The timing of this load was one hour and twenty minutes.

Being OCD, I feared that the load being so large and bulky may do damage to my washer. I decided to stay downstairs while the load was washing. Luckily, we have a family room downstairs that is next to the laundry room. I turned on the TV, did some serious channel surfing to exercise my fingers and noticed that the movie “Funny Girl” was about to begin.

“Funny Girl” started at 12:15 and ended at a little after 3 PM. I spent that entire viewing time doing the laundry. Look to the right–I had to get creative with the drying racks..

And that is how I spent my afternoon yesterday. I had to maneuver the drying racks to support the large and heavy slipcover. I’m heavily into air drying. And when the set is dried—which should be sometime Tuesday afternoon, I’ll iron out the wrinkles and then I will start the process all over again to clean the other set of slipcovers. The set that smells like Ruby when she was sick.

The slipcover strewn over two drying racks. I was almost tempted to play “tent”!

Some of the cushion covers are drying in the laundry room and others in the bathroom.

Last night as we were having our aperitif on the sofa, (I gave myself one “treat” per week on my new healthy eating program. That treat is one aperitif on Saturday evening and one aperitif on Sunday evening. Don’t judge!) I started sniffing. Bonaparte was quite concerned and our conversation went a bit like this:

Bonaparte: “I don lek zis col-eur of zis zleep-cou-v-airz” (I don’t like this color of these slipcovers)

Me: “Well, I HAD to put them on because I couldn’t leave the sofa bare while the other covers are drying” *sniff-sniff*

Bonaparte: “Why do ou sneef lek a douge”(Why do you sniff like a dog?)

Me: “The slipcovers smell like Ruby when she was sick” “I sprayed them but they still smell”. “I have to wash zem—I mean, I have to wash them”

Bonaparte: “Ou are eemazh-een-ing sings”. “I don smell eny-sing” (You are imagining things. I don’t smell anything)

Me: “Really?” “They don’t smell?” “Do you think I have a brain tumor then?”

Bonaparte just looked at me and didn’t even answer.

Oh…and to answer my question. It took me most of the day to complete those two loads of wash.

Bonaparte is not going to be thrilled when I start this task all over again. He’s also not going to be thrilled when I tell him that I want to paint the living room walls. By myself!

Michel Delpech, one of my favorite French singers passed away two days ago. I’m really sad about this and have been listening to many of his songs today. I wanted to share a very nice one “Les Divorces”. Oh, he was so good looking and his voice was so rich and clear. Enjoy this gift of music that Monsieur Delpech leaves us! XOXOXOXO!!

Posted in Dogs, humor | Tagged Ethan Allen, Home Decor, Michel Delpech | 22 Comments

A Fun-Filled New Year’s Day. We Took The Tree Down.

Posted on January 2, 2016 by Catherine

The 2015 Christmas season is officially boxed up and in hibernation until later this year. Oh. Can you believe it? It isn’t “Christmas next year“. Next Christmas is the end of this year—2016. Actually, I have to run to the Walmart in a little while to purchase a couple of more bins to store the rest of the many pillows that were purchased this year. And pack up some linens and a few other items. Then the season will officially be boxed up.

I finally packed up the last of the pillows and decorations today!

The bannisters are bare and to tell you the truth, as much as I am saddened by the end of the season, I’m diggin’ the way everything looks right now. The buildup to Christmas is so incredible—from Thanksgiving on it’s the time of decorating, and wrapping gifts and baking and meal prep and being with family. And with the snap of a finger—it’s finished. The January let-down begins.

As much as I love the way the stairway looked with the greenery and the rustic ribbon (pic on right), I’m giving a sigh of relief that everything is put away!

And now, I’m gonna tell you how we spent our New Year’s Day.

First of all, I was so incredibly good. I got rid of the remaining sweets. (NO, I did NOT eat them. Bonaparte was disgusted enough that I ate, wolfed down, and literally inhaled two entire pints of Halo Farms Ice Cream. Those pints were my “last meal” before the start of my “healthy eating” year, months, weeks, days.)

Yes I did. I consumed the entire contents of the Chocolate Peanut Paradise and Praline Pecan ice creams. I left the Tahiti Vanilla Bean for Bonaparte. I’m a giver!

Okay. I got rid of most of the remaining sweets. I kept the biscotti. There is a reason for this. What if guests stop by? I need something to offer to them. (This is delusional because I have one friend within a 25-mile radius of Phoenixville. Everyone else lives in New Jersey or New York or other points within the USA and Europe. Nobody will stop by to see me.)

The biscotti is stored in airtight bags some are in the freezer, as shown on the left. Some are “hidden” *cough* in a large pot in one of the kitchen cabinets!

I cleaned out most of the fridge. I got rid of the pate because if I wanted to have it, I would have to eat it on a carb-filled cracker or bread. I’m not going to go near carbs trying to steer clear of carbs for at least 30 days. Bonaparte won’t mind because he’ll have all those lousy Wegman’s baguettes to himself.

But enough about food because I’m becoming very hungry. And it’s only 10:07 in the morning.

Next pleasurable task god-awful chore was taking the tree down. But first—I had to strip our crooked tree of her ornaments, rustic ribbon and lights. And with every touch I bestowed upon “The Little Crooked”, she shed about 500 needles.

It was hard for me to process the fact that we took “Little Crooked” down after less than a month! This was the driest tree we ever had. Look how bare the top is!

By the time I was finished, there were only a handful of needles left on her. I swear to God I only wish I could shed my fat as quick as our tree shed needles.

My ornament storage bin. I had my long-needed exercise by taking each ornament off the tree, walking over to the dining room table and placing the ornament in the bin. It was taxing and I broke a sweat!

But before we officially “took her down”, I had to sweep up the needles manually before vacuuming.

This is just a very small amount of the needles that were shed. I envy those with fake trees!

This is where it got ugly. This is why I didn’t make a resolution to not curse or curb my gutter mouth. In the first place, I refuse to ruin our vacuum cleaner with a ton of fir needles. Those needles won’t make the place smell like a pine laden forest. The tree stopped gifting us with her scent two weeks ago. In the second place, the needles will only get stuck in big clumps and clog the hose and I’ll only end up cursing the vacuum as well.

It was quite the site as I got down on all fours to collect the needles. I started “scratching” the needles in piles on the carpet. Chippy has this habit of scratching the carpet. When he does this I make threats that would have PETA and any other animal-loving association storm through my door and take him away for good.

This is more like it. There were needles EVERYWHERE. If you look closely behind the tree, you’ll see aluminum foil. It’s covering the vent. I had to stick my arm down the vent to collect a mountain of needles!

However, this time, I was hoping that I could lead the old Chipster by example and have him come over and assist me. Instead, when he saw me on all fours, he decided to make me his girlfriend and he tried to do the bouncy-bouncy with me.

I swear to you I could hear Burt Bacharach singing “The Look of Love” in the background!

I started to curse the carpet. Who the hell invented wall-to-wall carpeting anyway? Carpeting is the bane of my existence. I hate it. Carpeting is NEVER EVER fully clean. Trust me. When I had the house in New Jersey, I went through not one, but two Hoover Carpet Steamers. Two. I was obsessive. And no matter how many times I used that steamer, the same amount of filth turned the water gray. It was vile.

That’s right. I went through TWO of these babies. I need to get another one very soon!

Those pesky dust mites that are invisible and their germ partners were probably doing the happy dance when I picked those needles up.

You know how one thought leads to another? You know how I venture off-topic?

Well, cleaning those damn needles led to thoughts other than how much I hate carpeting.

I started thinking about job interviews. I pretended to be at an interview with an all too self-important HR Princess…

HR Princess: “So tell me. Just WHY would you like to be employed here in this position?”

Me: “I want this job because I need to replace the goddam carpeting in my home with hardwood flooring. We have hardwood in the foyer and downstairs hallway. We also have hardwood in the kitchen, sunroom, and dining room. And now, I feel the need to be rid of toxins and germs and must work in order to pay for the living room, stairs, and upstairs hallway to be floored with a beautiful wood.”

HR Princess: “Is THAT the only reason you want this position???”

Me: “No. I also want to start getting fillers in my face. I want the full lips I had in my twenties.” “Oh. And I want to purchase a Louie Neverfull bag.” “I’m deeply shallow and I admit it”. “Having a job is the only way I will be able to afford all of these luxuries—um, necessities!”

Just ONE reason that I so desperately want a job!

I would LOVE to recite those sentences on a job interview. It would be honest. And I can bet, 95 percent of people who go on job interviews are thinking the same exact thing!

Back to New Year’s Day at Chateau Bonaparte!

After we wrapped the tree in its huge plastic throw-away bag, the sofas were stripped of pillows and cozy Christmas-themed throw blankets.

We gave “Little Crooked” a proper send off!

All the sofas in the house are looking mighty plain without the festive pillows and throws!

The table linens and tree skirt were laundered and ironed.

Not only is the tree skirt laundered and ironed, but it is starched and sprayed with Lavender scent! All ready for next December!

I packed what I could and left the remaining decorations out to be packed in new bins.

Waiting to be packed away. My new strategy is placing each strand of lights in plastic zippered bags. I think there may be less tangling by packing them this way!

Bonaparte and I finished just in time to get dressed and head off to the movies to see “Hateful Eight”, the new Quentin Tarantino film.

I decided to put on a pair of pants that I hadn’t worn in a long time. Black GAP jeggings. I could not snap them. These are “jeggings”—which means there is a shitload of stretch and I could not close them because my gut got that fat. My belly resembled a Blobfish .

Seriously. My gut and the spillage pretty much resembles this blobfish. The only difference is my belly lacks two eyes!

I’m so disgusted with my lack of willpower to eat healthy and exercise. I grabbed a pair of fat pants and squeezed into them, vowing that when I finally become employed, I’ll add a tummy tuck to that list with the hardwood flooring, fillers, and Neverfull bag.

I’m gonna be honest. I love Quentin Tarantino. In fact, I’ve been tempted to write to him asking him to hire me to be in one of his films. I could be the old, ugly, bald and cross-eyed lunatic lady who owns a luncheonette and poisons people. It would not be much of a stretch.

Anyway, “Inglourious Bastards” and “Django Unchained” are two of my all-time favorite movies. Who couldn’t forget John Travolta in “Pulp Fiction”? Tarantino never fails to entertain. “Hateful Eight” was not among my favorite Quentin movies. Too much talking and not enough action until the last ten minutes. I think Mr. Tarantino must be spending too much time watching “new-wave” French films –there is nothing but talking in those new wave films.

The cast was great–especially Kurt Russell and Jennifer Jason-Leigh. There was NOT enough of Channing Tatum! Unfortunately, for us, it wasn’t Tarantino’s best movie!

An errand run completed our afternoon and then it was time to come home and relax.

I got a bit sad. Thinking about the kids. Thinking about the fact I’ll be 61 come April and I’m unemployed, fat, and most of all lazy. My face is getting wrinkly. My dye jobs only last two weeks because the gray roots are so fierce (and not fierce in a good way). I was on the verge of a pity-party.

See my wrinkles. Ugh. I need to start going through the trash at dermatologists’s offices. Maybe I can find half-filled vials of Botox or Juviderm! Those fucking roots. I just colored them a couple of weeks before Christmas!

Then Bonaparte came downstairs with a piggy nose and all I could do was laugh. Actually, we both had a good and long laugh with each other. The piggy nose was one of the items in the box of clues my kids gave me to hint my trip to Arkansas. They eat a lot of barbeque in Arkansas.

Bonaparte always knows how to cheer me up and get me laughing! Laughing is always the best medication! It worked and we had a blast of an evening for the first night of 2016!

And after a nice little dinner of salmon and salad, we spent the rest of New Year’s Day evening watching old reruns of Saturday Night Live.

Oops! I forgot. I did manage to keep a bit of a reminder of Christmas. I saved the Poinsettias. I couldn’t stand to throw a living plant in the trash. Maybe they will survive the winter!

They may have lost leaves, but they are still alive..and I love red!

It was a lovely start to the New Year! XOXOXOXO

More Beatles. Because I DO get by with a little help from my friends—especially my friends who enjoy reading my blog! For you….

Posted in Cleaning, Home Decor, Home Decorating, humor, Winter Blues. After Christmas Blues | Tagged The Beatles, Welcome to the New Year | 25 Comments

So Long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Goodbye to My Not So Favorite Year. 2015!

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Catherine

You know how some years are better than other years? Well, despite a bit of greatness for 2015, this year just wasn’t my favorite year.

But first—the greatness!

Honestly, I cannot complain about this Christmas. It was great! The kids were all here and we ate, and had fun and enjoyed each other

Greatness is having the kids all here! Bonaparte’s granddaughter, his son-in-law, his daughter, Jake, Oona and Roman made Christmas wonderful!

I was gifted by Jake, Roman and Oona with a trip to Arkansas to visit Oona for a while. I will be finalizing plans over the week. It’ll be great to hang out with Oona on her new home turf!

This card led to a box filled with clues….

…like this magnet of Arkansas. Let us only hope that is Hipster Jesus on the bottom left welcoming me!

Bonaparte, in his never-ending efforts to turn me into a proper Franco-American broad, gifted me with a beautiful Hermes scarf, my favorite Guerlain perfume, AND a longer stay this coming summer in Theoule! And..knowing my deep love and affection for all things J. Crew, a nice gift card!

As soon as I saw that orange box, I KNEW there was something beautiful inside. There was!

Bonaparte is so pragmatic in his gifting. I’m running very low on my L’Instant and the J. Crew gift card gives me incentive to reduce my disgustingly fat flabby ass and thighs–not to mention my gut!

Oh…and the kids gifted Bonaparte with a little piece of equipment to turn our downstairs TV, which is a “dumb” TV, into a “Smart” TV. It’s an Apple TV. I’ll tell you this much. This little machine truly IS smart—and cheeky. It took seemingly forever for me to “understand” the mechanics and set up—and you can speak into this. After twenty minutes of unsuccessful passwording, I said “Fuck you” to this cute little box. She answered “Ohhhhh”…and after repeated cursing she finally asked “Why are you cursing so much?” Looks like Bonaparte has a buddy in questioning my gutter mouth!

This little Apple TV box turned our dumb TV into a smart TV! Isn’t technology greatness?

Bonaparte’s daughter, his son-in-law gifted us with a certificate to our favorite restaurant. Spring Mill Café! We will have a great, great dinner. After I drop twenty pounds!

Christmas was lovely—and I’m a bit saddened that it’s over, but we have fantastic memories!

Next greatness. Just as my lowest point of the year was beginning to surface, I landed a temporary position for a month. It was, hands down, the best job. I enjoyed the company, the people—and especially the salary! It made me realize that I am worth every cent I earned!

It really was great to be hired, even as a temp–which, I may add was extended! I loved working this job!

Another greatness was Chippy’s affection. The longer I stayed home, the more Chippy became my bestie. He can sense when I’m upset. He’ll look at me like “Don’t worry. I’m here”. Then he’ll come up and smother cuddle with me—provided I stroke and pet him for an hour or so!

Yes. As you can see from this photo of my Chippy, I mean the world to him. Perhaps in his dreams!

A greatness that led to one of the greatest greatnesses of 2015—this is a greatness domino effect. I’ll explain. Christmas 2014 had Jake, Roman, and Oona gifting Bonaparte and me with a weekend at the Wythe Hotel in Brooklyn. It was a great way to begin 2015 and we had a blast.

Bonaparte snapped this pic last January at the Wythe Hotel in Brooklyn. A weekend here, as well as a baking class at Momofuku Milk Bar and dinner rounded out this greatness of Christmas gifts! Me, Oona, Jake and Roman having fun!

In fact, we had such great weekend that I became inspired. That weekend was the kick in my fat ass that I needed to start my blog.

The Post That Started It All: A Great Weekend in Brooklyn, NY!

You see, I had always toyed with the idea of blogging, but I didn’t think I had anything much to say. To tell you the truth, I really don’t have anything much to say—but I say it anyway, and it ends up to be quite a lot of not much to say. The greatness is that I ended up absolutely falling in love with my little blog. The greater greatness is that I ended up making a circle of over 600 “friends” who are faithful readers of my blog. To quote Ina Garten: “How great is THAT?”

My little blog has given me a platform to bitch and complain about the shit that happened over the year. Like my never-ending search for employment. The daunting experiences of job interviews from Hell—and the even more daunting experiences of fabulously wonderful job interviews that fed into my delusions that I DID get the job!

I’ve been able to get on my high horse to pontificate about ageism! Age-Aid. A Benefit Concert for the Ageism Movement Revolution that I wanted to start!

I even designed a profound Tee Shirt for this delusional event!

I, yes, and little old me was able to snag a journalist coup by interviewing Satan. All thanks to my bestie, Hipster Jesus! He is such a great buddy of mine! Hopefully, I was able to enlighten at least one trillionth of our population on just how evil the Duggar family is. My Interview With Satan. A Journalistic Coup! Thank you Hipster Jesus!

Hey, if it were not for my relationship with my good friend Hipster Jesus, I would have never been able to enter the hot spot known as Hell to chat with that red hot cutie, Satan!

I covered issues such as baldness and hair loss for women. My Hair Lady. The Bald and the Beautiful!

My cute little bob wiggy!

I gave unwarranted fashion advice—and had the balls to post fashion pics that would have “legit” fashion bloggers running to their toilets with their fingers shoved down their throats in an effort to make that last meal be enjoyed a second time while coming back up from the sight of my ample limbs ,”age-id” face and lack of high-end, over-the-top clothing choices!

My Dress Post. Scroll down to the bottom to see my talent for fashion photography!

Oh..and my travel postings would surely put my delusional travel BFF, Rick Steves to shame! (shhhh..no they wouldn’t)

Just My Luck–The Hottest Summer in Paris and I Was There!

Recipe successes and fails! A Son’s Visit. Recipe Fails and Successes!

Oh. Here’s a great success from this Christmas. My 2015 Buche de Noel. Do you like the meringue mushrooms? I ate most of them!

….and there’s always my greatness in beauty advice! My Attempt at The Kardashian Makeup Look!

Hey! So why wasn’t 2015 my happy year?

Oh yeah, it was because I did NOT find that coveted job.

The shitty medical insurance I have is NOT affordable and it isn’t Obama’s fault either—the only winners are the insurance companies.

I got super-fat from stress. My gut could hold all 19 of Michelle Duggar’s litter and a few RV’s.

Look how fat my face got. I won’t even show you my ass!

…and after I dropped Oona off at the train station in Hamilton, NJ yesterday, I drove to Trenton to pick up three pints of my favorite ice cream. Halo Farms. Time for some serious emo eating for the end of the year. I already finished off one of the pints! And it was GREATNESS!

Yes. I finished off the Praline Pecan Ice Cream. Just for me and only for me. And my thighs. And my arm flab. And my cushion of an ass. And my chins. And I loved every spoonsful!

I could not afford my coveted Botox. Yes. I AM that deeply shallow. I want a few fillers in my face.

I feel badly because Bonaparte is supporting me and I don’t want to depend on anyone—but I’ll take it!

Yup! My Bonaparte is reaching into his wallet to help me! He’s not lookin’ too happy about it either. Oops!

My hypochondrium is at an all-time high. So far in the past few days I have: Crohn’s Disease. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Gastroenteritis. Gall Stones. Fibromyalgia. Pancreatitis. And anything else I can think of. This is why work and exercise are good things.

Two of my aunts and Daniele transitioned this year and left our earthly presence. They will be greatly missed—especially my second mother, Daniele.

Paris Without Daniele. The First of three posts….

A great actor, but more than that, a great woman. We miss you!

Actually, 2015 wasn’t really too much of a bad year at all.

Every year has the great with the bad. It’s all how we chose to look at it. For me, I’ll look at 2015 through my good eye and keep all the great memories with me. I’ll see the bad through my blind eye and throw the bad memories of this past year in the trash—where they belong.

I don’t have any resolutions for 2016 because I never keep them.

What I do have are goals. And my biggest goal is to to focus more on making my blog more entertaining for those who read about my musings, vents, delusions and whatever else strikes my fancy. Why? Because I write for me and to everyone who reads my blog. I want to make some serious happy nest!

Another goal (much to Bonaparte’s chagrin) is to NOT curb my gutter-mouth. If I did that, I would be changing my personality. Although for Bonaparte, I’ll remember to curse more in the French language!

It should read “Keep Calm and Learn to Curse in French”. Merde!

Since my medical insurance is basically non-existent, another huge goal is to live a healthier lifestyle. I’ll be sharing healthy recipes in 2016. I’m reading this book—it’s half “makes sense” and half “these authors are wackos”. I’ll focus on the half that makes sense!

There is some wacky shit in this book–but on the other hand, it’ll help me focus on just eating meat, fish, veggies, fruit and nuts. That’s it. Bonaparte will have all the wine and champagne for him.

Finding employment is not a goal for 2016. I refuse to set myself up for failure. End of subject.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Enjoy this last eve of 2015. If you party, party hearty but sensibly. If you spend a reflective and quiet evening, do it well and thoughtfully-focusing on the positive!

All Things Must Pass. Mr. Harrison knew this well!

Posted in Looking back at the past year, Reflections | Tagged Daniele Delorme, France, George Harrison, Paris, Wythe Hotel | 32 Comments

Just One Last Pre-Christmas Post. RETRO CHRISTMAS ALERT!

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Catherine

Oy Vey! I thought I ran out of stuff to write because I’m running chaotic with last minute preps.

But no. Last night I was up till past 1:00 AM watching retro Christmas Shows. Do you have the channel “Get TV”? It’s one of those retro channels that are showcasing old TV variety shows pre-Christmas.

Thank goodness I don’t have that much to do today. I can laze and watch retro Christmas shows on this station!

Ever the good “Helicopter Mom”, I was by my phone checking out her flight status every five minutes. She flew into LaGuardia last night. Today she is at her dad’s and this evening the kids will drive here for Christmas.

Anyway, her flight was delayed and she didn’t land until 11:30 PM. We exchanged “Good Night” messages but I was so mesmerized by Miss Peggy Lee who was a guest on the Danny Kaye Christmas Show that I stayed up. No beauty sleep for this princess. Anyway, I woke up to a message from Oona that she left in the wee hours of the morning:

“Mom. Just a heads up. Please do NOT call me early in the morning. It is now 2 AM and I am sitting on the plane on the runway waiting for a gate. Gotta love LGA”

Christmas greatness. This brings me back to the good old days!

So in a few moments, I will gather my ironing and head downstairs to watch Shirley Temple in “The Little Princess” while ironing the table linens for tomorrow’s meal.

I’ll have a blast smoothing all this stuff out!

…and I’ll also be sure to bring plenty of Kleenex downstairs while watching this movie. I always cry like a baby when I watch this. Besides, it’s the holidays and I can’t wipe with my sleeve!

Then I will watch “Christmas With The King Family”…and “Perry Como’s Christmas” with special guests “The Carpenters”. I’m in retro TV heaven today!

I LIVED for The King Family shows. Especially The King Cousins. They are just so “perfect”. And the talented Alvino Ray and his talking guitar. I’m in heaven. Heaven!!!

I will watch this again. Who knew Peggy Fleming was multi-talented? She not only skated but she sang–or did she just move her lips???

Quite honestly, Karen Carpenter had one of the most clear and beautiful voices of all time!

Oh. I will also take a bath, shave my legs, do my face and put “real” clothes on! Oh. And I’ll start to decorate the 2015 Buche de Noel.

Phase One of 2015 Buche de Noel. Buttercream filling inside and ganache frosting on the outside. It’s in the freezer firming up. Tomorrow I’ll decorate it.

Merry Christmas. Again! XOXOXOXO

For Christmas Eve—Silent Night with The King Family!!

Posted in Uncategorized | 25 Comments

Come To My Chaotic Christmas Preparation

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Catherine

One thing I need to set straight with you my friends. No matter how organized I think I may be—or appear to be; no matter how many lists or timelines I create; no matter how ahead I think I may be. I’m usually not. OK?

Seriously. I had Chateau Bonaparte decorated the day before Thanksgiving. We got the crooked tree the first weekend in December. I wrapped gifts as quickly as I could after purchasing them–well most of the gifts. Food shopping was completed yesterday with just a few odds and ends needed. And Bonaparte picked that stuff up today.

Crooked Tree the never straightened out

Bonaparte unplugged the lights because I tripped over the chord

Bow that Chippy almost ate.

Front stairs from foyer

Wreath that I embellished!

Come on in. The cyber kettle is whistling and I’ll fix you a cup of tea and proceed to tell you about my chaotic Christmas preparations of today.

So yesterday I got up really early. I had a busy day ahead of me. Manicure. Pedicure. Hair. Then it was home to start on the meringue mushrooms for the Buche de Noel.

Presently, my nails are the prettiest part of me. Like the color? It’s “Opi Red”

No sooner did I leave the hair salon when it started to rain. For once, I wasn’t thinking about my hair. I had a hat and umbrella so my tresses were protected. My thoughts ran more about the fact that meringue and damp, rainy weather do not make a good pair.

Anyway, when I got home I made the meringue mushrooms. In order to protect them from the elements, I put the stems and the tops in a plastic Ziploc bag and sucked the air out of them. I’m still hoping that they last until Christmas day when I decorate. If they don’t survive, I’ve got almond paste as a backup. I’ll make marzipan mushrooms instead—but I like meringue better.

My little meringue mushroom caps and stems in the oven. I’m soooo ~~pissed~~ upset that they will be ruined because of the fu lousy weather!

Next I decided to bake the rest of the cookie dough I froze. Corn cookies and Chocolate Chocolate cookies. Then I started to obsess. Would biscotti, sugar cookies, corn cookies and chocolate, chocolate cookies be enough? Would the candied nuts I made be enough? Should I make another brioche?

I decided to make truffles. Chocolate truffles and caramel truffles. Then I made a sauce for the frozen Nougatine that I had in the freezer. I opened the freezer door and a heavy brick of frozen dough fell on my foot. At that point I realized it was late so I went to bed. I figured I would just get up extra-early today and do more preparation.

I went a bit truffle crazy. Caramel truffles. Chocolate Truffles. Topped with Sea salt, chopped Butterfinger bars, chopped pistachios, cocoa and my favorite…..

Chocolate truffles covered with Momofuku Milk Crumb. Y.U.M.!

I woke up early and ambitiously reached for the remote control. Well, I did wake up early. And while enjoying a cup of coffee in bed, I started watching a movie. Then I realized I was being a lazy sloth. So I got dressed—and by dressed, I mean I went into the laundry basket, pulled out the same pair of plaid Old Navy pajama bottoms I’ve been wearing for a week and my stained Sriracha tee shirt that Chippy has happily been licking for the past few days. He’s licking all the baking ingredients that have fallen on it. It’s an economical way of doing laundry!

My first chore task was to bake the genoise cake for the Buche de Noel. Then I looked out the window. At the pouring rain. Mother Nature just shit all over me. The rain affects my baking.

Two genoise cakes rolled up to cool in towels. One fell apart. Thankfully, I made a backup!

I went back to the counter. Chippy was quite the sight as he tried to get the buttered parchment paper out of the sheet pan. It. Was. Going. To. Be. A. Long. Day. Not one, but two cakes were baked. Oh yes! I baked a backup. Just in case—and it was a good thing I did. One of the cakes fell apart because the moisture in the air was just too much. Luckily the other cake was fine.

The nerve of this ~~child~~ rascal! He tried, but failed! Well on THIS he failed..

Next task. Macaroni and cheese—or shall I say “Cheese and Macaroni”. I know. Mac & Cheese isn’t exactly refined for a nice Christmas dinner, but this dish became a tradition a couple of years ago because it was a safe bet for Bonaparte’s granddaughter. Um…it was suggested I made the crap from the box. No. If I’m serving this at Christmas dinner, the only thing coming from a box is the pasta.

Cheese and macaroni, seasoned with lots of pepper, I’ll top with more cheese and panko before baking on Christmas day!

Time for a well-needed rest. I sat in the sun room and cursed the rain while enjoying a cup of tea. Then I realized Oona was flying from Arkansas to LaGuardia later in the day. Now I was really in my gutter-mouth frame of mind. Mutha Nature is a bitch on wheels. I messaged Oona asking her to give me ALL of her flight information. She sent me a photo of her boarding pass. THIS meant she did not wish to speak to me because I make her stressed out when I’m in my present frame of mind. My daughter is one very smart young woman.

Some view. I would much rather see snow than rain!

I wish I drank during the day. I could use a cocktail right now—but it’s only 11:00AM!

I settled for Craisins instead. It’s the healthiest thing I’ve eaten in a week!

More preparation to be done! Potatoes are next. Bonaparte wants his crispy potatoes in duck fat. I know there are others at the table who will not want their potatoes in duck fat. I decided to make Duchess Potatoes: The Endless Meal. Duchess Potatoes. I prepared the potatoes and put them in the pastry bag. On Christmas Day, I’ll just pipe and cook. To me, this is a great way to do potatoes ahead. And, they will look very fancy!

The Duchess potatoes are in this pastry bag. I wrapped cling over the tip so it wouldn’t leak!

Time for another break. Chippy needs to go outside and “make”! Let me tell you, this little rascal will “make” a huge mountain from all the garbage he’s stolen today. Macaroni, paper towels, a stick of butter—unwrapped no less. As I write this, he had the nerve to try to eat the wrapping paper that Bonaparte left in the office. Chippy has a “thing” about paper.

That look either means I want more crumbs or I need to go out to “make”. NOW!

Time to get the buttercream out of the fridge to soften so I can apply the filling to the buche.

Buttercream filling is behind the ganache that’ll be the top frosting for the Buche!

Time for a TV break. Oh. It’s Nigella Lawson. She’s making a dressing for smoked salmon. Hey. I have salmon in the fridge. I also have the ingredients that Nigella is using. Back to the kitchen to make Nigella’s dressing for the smoked salmon that is in the fridge. I make the dressing then realize that I forgot about the pate I made the other day.

Now my brain is in high gear. Bonaparte invited one of his tennis buddies and his “lady” friend over for an aperitif tomorrow evening—which is nice. The kids are having dinner with their dad in New York and will be arriving here later tomorrow night. I can put out a nice spread of the pate, salmon and cheese. Oh…and the Alain Ducasse’s Gougeres I made in advance.

Gougeres. Little puffs of chou pastry with cheese. They are the perfect appetizer. I baked, froze. And when I need them, I just reheat!

More prep. Now for the Sprouts of Brussels. Everyone except Bonaparte loves Brussels Sprouts. I will be serving them with shallot, dried cranberries, and bacon. Topped with a reduction of balsamic vinegar. I cut the sprouts, blanched them, and put them in a bag. Also in the bag are smaller bags of the shallots, craisins and chopped bacon. Nice and easy.

I blanched these little cuties to bring out their color!

I cleaned the kitchen mess I made to the best of my ability. Bonaparte recleaned the kitchen after dinner.

Time to get the gifts from downstairs and embellish them. I decided to do this in the living room so I could get my lazy on and watch cooking shows. Ina “Barefoot Contessa” Garten, my delusional BFF, is having some fabulous holiday offerings. I love Ina so much. She is the Waspyish Jewish woman I don’t personally know. I love her recipes, her home, her voice and all her gay men friends. She’s just so great at all things Christmas!

Do you think Ina ever lazes around the house in the same Old Navy PJ bottoms for days on end? I wonder if she will ever invite ME over for Christmas dinner?

Ribbons, bows, strings, hot glue gun, scissors. Burns from the glue. It’s all good!

Like my festive wrapping? The things I do for Bonaparte!!!

Bonaparte calls me from upstairs. He wants to know where a few gifts he got for Jake, Roman and Oona are. I tell him I wrapped them. He tells me in his thick French accent. “Non. I deed not geev zem to ou”. “Whut deed ou wop?”

Now I think I have dementia. I run back downstairs to the closet where more “wopped geefs” are. I grab the wrapped gifts and run two flights of stairs back to Bonaparte. I do some explaining and Bonaparte realized that I “deed”, in fact “wop” the gifts.

Run back downstairs and finish the embellishments.

One of many embellished gifts! I finished up the rest today!

Holy Mother of God (I’m not cursing—it’s Christmas time) it is now 6:30 PM. I need to start dinner AND check on Oona’s flight status. Flight is delayed more than an hour—but I don’t dare call her. She will say I am stressing her out. ME????? Stress someone out????????

I get dinner ready. I also realize that I need to iron clothing.

But you know what? I’ll get up extra-early tomorrow to iron. And to take the brioche that I baked last week out of the freezer. And take the cinnamon buns I prepared out to rise.

This also freezes well. I’m so happy I made this in advance–the weather would kill this if I made it today!

And I’ll actually take a nice and relaxing bath and shave my legs and put make up on and dress in something other than my Old Navy PJ bottoms and a tee shirt and I’ll look pretty and I’ll have a nice relaxing Christmas Eve.

Isn’t it funny—I mean, the way that we think we are all prepared and all “I’ve got everything under control” when we kind of aren’t. But that’s the fun part. We all vow (at least I do) that next year will be different, but it never is—and that’s what so great about Christmas Chaos.

Bonaparte is looking forward to me being dressed in something other than this. Tomorrow I will make his wish come true!

Christmas chaos can be fun—stressful but fun stress. So do whatever it is you have to do tomorrow as the countdown to Christmas continues—but have a GREAT TIME doing it!

XOXOXOXO!!!

Today’s Christmas song is an oldie but greatie. Remember the group “Yes”? Remember Jon Anderson, the one-time lead singer of Yes? He had a Christmas Album “3 Ships” and it is incredibly hard to find. I had the vinyl and this song “The Holly and the Ivy” was my favorite. Enjoy!

Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments

The Shortest Day of The Year..And My Happiest!

Posted on December 21, 2015 by Catherine

This may also be my shortest post of the year too!

Why? You ask! Because after today, the days get longer!!! Yeah! It’s the best way of looking at the shortest day of the year.

Oh. And yes. The first day of summer IS my saddest day of the year because after that date, the days become shorter:

It’s a busy week, I’ll say–but here’s some retro summer reading. I don’t know how to reblog so I’m just adding links to two posts from this past summer. Enjoy!

Some Sleep With The Fishes. I Sleep With The Ice Cubes

The Magic of Rondini……

Happy Reading!!! XOXOXOXO

Posted in Dany Lartigue, France, Paris France | 20 Comments

‘Twas The Week Before Christmas….

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Catherine

T’was the week before Christmas

At Bonaparte Chateau

The crooked tree’s lights

Gave ethereal glow

Some holiday stress was to be my condition

As I thought of my blog

Do I write of tradition?

I’ll write of egg nog and traditions of past,

And wonderful memories that brought joy and did last

So read on and be touched by my words and pic’s sights

And remember who comes in six more wondrous nights!

Just in case your memory needs to be refreshed–the ethereal glow from the crooked tree!

It’s so hard to think of anything to write about during this season of Christmas. I started writing about my filthy gutter mouth and my obsession with the “f” word, but I would much rather wait until after Santa arrives for that. After all, I don’t want coal in my stocking.

Oh. That was LAST year. I think I’ve been pretty good this year!

Instead I will focus on Christmas memories past. And mention of some traditions!

Here’s a goody from Christmas past. Me with the Jack-in-the-Box and my sister, Sissy. I’m guessing my passion for plaid goes back to around 1958. Dig the tinsel!

My parents were crazed with Christmas. They always went overboard every year. They would place the presents under the tree after we went to bed on Christmas Eve, then after midnight they would wake us up to tell us Santa arrived.

My father was obsessed. OBSESSED with tinsel. He was so obsessed that he practically ruined decorating the tree for everyone. The weird thing is, I GET it now. The tinsel had to be just so. It’s funny because I remember all of those ornaments–this pic is from the 1950’s!

I must have been a very good girl that year–1959. Santa brought me two dolls! Who am I looking at? I’ll tell you who–nobody. My mother used to make me look to the side when taking photos so I would not look as cross-eyed as I really AM!

Oh this is much better. My eye looks incredibly crossed! Do we now know why I love to iron clothes so much. It was ingrained at a young age. No wonder I love the color red!

The house was chaotic—especially after the family grew to five kids. Wrapping paper thrown everywhere, screaming with happiness. The kettle whistling just in time to have that last cup of tea before bed…it was fun….

The calm before the storm. I guess my parents ended up with a fake tree for a few years–I have to say–it’s pretty fake looking but the tinsel is FABULOUS!

We had the Florida years…

Christmas. Florida. 1981. Twins 13 years apart. Me with a pixie cut and my brother Pete-the best birthday gift I ever received!

My poor mother, rest her soul. She’s happily opening Christmas gifts. I love her big hair!

After I became a parent, we had the New York City years.

With my little elf, Jake. Two months old and his first Christmas!

One of the few years that Roman sat for a pic with Santa.

Macy’s Herald Square 1987. Roman slept through this.

I drove over the bridge from Manhattan to Paramus Park Mall in Jersey to see Santa. 1992.

Yes. I did. I dressed Jake up and walked over to the studio at Channel 7 to take a picture with Regis Philbin. I wanted a memory of my favorite morning show. Don’t judge! Jake doesn’t look too happy. ……

My “fat ass” Christmas. I think it was baby weight from Oona… *yeah right*

My “skinny ass” Christmas. This is MUCH better. I could cry looking at my ass. I remember that skirt well. Size 4. FOUR! Suede. I need to go on a diet come January 1st!

Oona with a random Santa. I think this was at St. Ignatius or Good Shepherd.

Oh…and just in case Jake wonders if I really AM his mother…….

Then the New Jersey Years.

Oona during the “American Girl” years Christmas! I actually still have that hat. I loved it so much on her that I hoarded it!

More “American Girl” This was the Samantha Christmas!

Jake–ever the Red Sox fan–and the great Fenway pop up book. More plaid pajama bottoms!

Roman and the Giants Christmas. You know, I really like the tree we had that year. We went to a tree farm to cut our own tree and I fell into a ditch. I was seriously cut up. It was the first and last time we cut our own tree!

My brother Pete in the background. Dazed. Just. Dazed!

Now we have the Pennsylvania years and I look forward to Christmas Eve when the kids get home!

Welcome to the Pennsylvania years. This was our tree last year. It wasn’t crooked until it fell. It was just too heavy!

Roman, Chippy, Oona and Jake–before we moved from Wayne to Phoenixville. Chippy looks bewildered!

I’ve made traditions for my own family over the years. One was a birthday cake for baby Jesus. Yes. Me, the woman who is against Hipster Jesus being in any part of politics because church and state need to be separate, actually has a spiritual side. Part of our Christmas dessert was the cake…among other things….

I really really got into baking for Christmas because my mother just never did. All of her baking was done from a box or from the local bakery. I couldn’t understand why she never baked from scratch because she really was an excellent cook. But to me, it ain’t the holiday season if I’m not in the kitchen baking all those goodies from scratch!

I’ll start on 2015 Buche de Noel on Monday!

The biscotti is all done and sealed away for Christmas!

I remember fondly the year I made a great number of shepherd’s costumes for the Christmas Pageant at the boy’s school—and the cool thing is they are probably still being used!

Roman looking angelic at the Christmas pageant. Jake was a shepherd but I can’t find the pictures….

It isn’t a bona fide Christmas pageant without the Angels. Check out the scoreboard in the background! I love Catholic school!

Another tradition is the serving of “Martha Stewart Eggnog“. (click for recipe). Over the years, I’ve adjusted to add more booze than her recipe calls for. I love the fact that she doesn’t add cinnamon either! I also use cheap booze too. Cheap. Expensive. They all have the same effect—which is to make me forget about any issues I may be festering over!

I add a bit more than Martha calls for…but this makes for a delicious Christmas beverage….

The eggnog base is “ageing” in the fridge. Egg yolks, sugar, milk and cream have been added to the booze. Raw eggs you say? The alcohol kills any germs. Trust me! This is gonna be a great batch! I serve it in a huge punch bowl and get out the good china cups!

When we lived in Pennington, NJ, the kids and I would drive to the border of Trenton and Hamilton make our annual visit to “Martel’s Christmas Wonderland”

I wonder if I can get Bonaparte to drive me and Chippy to New Jersey to visit Martel’s tomorrow!

A visual delight for children and adults of all ages. There is nothing—and I mean nothing like this. Sometimes we would visit this illuminated landmark more than once a season. I honestly wish I lived across the street from the Martel family.

Martel’s Wonderland. It gets better every year…

Roman filmed one of our trips to Martel’s….

Oona..dazed at Roman’s film directing.

Then there is the telling not of Mary and Joseph’s trek for the birth of Jesus, but the telling of the “Church” story:

St. Alphonsus. The cutest little church ever.

It was our first Christmas in New Jersey. My father had passed away and my mother was visiting as was my youngest brother. We attended Mass early Christmas Eve so we could get home and have a nice dinner and get the kids to bed early. The church, St. Alphonsus, in Hopewell, was very small and we took up an entire side pew. From the corner of my eye, I could see Roman, who was seven years old, whisper something to my brother, Pete. Pete started laughing uncontrollably. During Mass. Pete whispered something to my mother who almost had a heart attack. She did NOT laugh but looked incredibly surprised.

I motioned for Roman to come over to me. I asked him what he said to Pete.

This time Roman did NOT whisper. He said in a loud voice: ” I told Pete that I ‘m so excited about Santa Claus coming to bring presents tonight that I got a boner!”

I started laughing. Out loud. Father Ralph stood at the pulpit and announced to the congregation: “Well, it looks like the Urbanski family is going to have a fun Christmas!”

The telling of that story, much to Roman’s chagrin, has been recited every Christmas since. These days usually after a few egg nogs!

It is then, when I bring out the greatest short story of all time. “The Haki Sack”. Roman wrote this when he was in third grade and we all get a kick out of it! My Roman. He’s such a good sport!

The best thing about this story was that Roman added a list of all the things he would get us for Christmas when he became a millionaire. I’m getting a Mercedes. Unfortunately the list has been misplaced. I hope that damned elf on the shelf didn’t take off with it!

Traditions change and they evolve—but they are still a part of each family’s festivities. Take a moment and think about your traditions and your memories. Time may be fleeting but memories aren’t.

So have lots of fun making new traditions and fun memories! XOXOXOXOXO!!!!

Remember when the movie “Home Alone” came out? I took Jake and his best friend, Kevin to see it in a movie theatre in the Riverdale section of the Bronx. It was one of the most touching and funny holiday movies ever. Here’s the Divine Miss M with some memories from Home Alone 2!!!

Posted in American Girl Dolls, Christmas, Martha Stewart Eggnog, Memories, NJ, Pictures with Santa, Retro Christmas Gifts, Santa | 36 Comments

My Strange Addiction. A Public Service Announcement for The Season!

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Catherine

Due to the chaos of the Holiday season—what with shopping, baking, cleaning (ugh), and watching all those Christmas movies, I managed to catch up on fellow bloggers’ posts. One of the blogs I enjoy, Kaboodlemum posted about her “Winter Blues” And while reading her post, not only did I find myself wishing I could go to her house and fix her a nice, stiff Hot Toddy and bring her some soup, but I found myself focused on two words as I read them: “Nasal Sprays”.

These words brought to mind my obsession, overuse, addiction to this wonderful form of over-the-counter medicine from years ago. I’ve been “clean” for over twenty years now.

I gift you with yet, another one of my stories.

I was that kid who would constantly get into trouble for the trail of used tissues that would follow me wherever I went. These snot-ridden nuggets of soft paper would escape from their hidden prison of shirtsleeves and fall behind me.

My mother would have to repeat loads of laundry due to the tissues she missed in my pockets. Have you ever seen what a tissue in the laundry does to the rest of the clothing?

…actually, my mother’s reaction was more like running after me with a wooden spoon–and I still managed to leave a trail of tissues…..

I’ll tell you, Felix Unger simply cannot hold a candle to the way I clear MY sinuses.

Yes. I’m even worse than Felix. We could have a sinus clearing competition and I would win!

My left upper arm, as well as my right upper arm had bruises from both my grandmother and my mother poking me when I cleared my sinuses during Sunday Mass. They should have just prayed for me instead.

Most of my life was spent with one clogged nostril. In the summer my nose ran faster than an Olympic sprinter. In the winter, my nose dried up so that I couldn’t even breathe through it. I think that’s what made my “Lawn Eyelind” accent even more annoying.

I’ve been told on MANY occasions that I have a particularly heavy accent. A large part is due to sinus issues!

Every now and then my mother would give me a dose of Neosynephrine nose drops but the drops were not strong enough to break through the clogging. She gave me a little Vicks inhaler to carry around during the day.

One for each nostril. I’ll tell you, I looked pretty darn weird! No wonder I wasn’t one of the “popular” kids!

In the evening she would place a dab of “Vicks Vapo-Rub” under my nose, and for good measure, she would place a bit of this glop on a spoon and make me swallow it. (Which could explain the GERD I now suffer from).

I don’t know how making me swallow this would help unclog my nose. Guess what? It didn’t!

All for naught. I still suffered from a stuffed up nose.

Then I reached adulthood and discovered Afrin Nasal Spray! My nasal passages opened up like the parting of the Red Sea. Afrin was my Moses!

Moses supposes he really helped my noses! Yes. Afrin parted the red sea of clogged nasal passages!

Never again would I suffer from a stuffed nose! I had little spray bottles of Afrin in the kitchen cabinets, in the bathroom, in my bedroom AND one in each of my purses.

Some women collect jewelry. I collected Afrin. Side effects? I did not know there would be any!

If I ever ran out, I would immediately replace. Sometimes, I would be in a place where Afrin Nasal Spray was all sold out or not sold at all–and I would have to use dupes. I became a connoisseur of brands nasal sprays.

Can I just tell you that the “Pathmark” brand was the next best thing? And far less expensive! Alas Pathmark is no longer around. What a shame because their nasal spray was excellent!

The Pathmark brand of nasal spray was just as good as Afrin and a lot less expensive. It’s too bad Pathmark is no longer in business!

Yes. I was addicted. And kind of not in a good way. I would freak out if that last bit of Afrin that I had hidden in the glove compartment was gone.

Basically, I turned into THIS when I ran out of my beloved Afrin!

My boys were late for school on more than one many occasions because I had to stop at an Upper East Side Pharmacy for my nasal contraband.

After years and years of shoving this controlled substance up my nose, it came to an end.

It was winter. Just after Christmas. I had a horrific cold. My nose was stuffed. My nose was flowing like beer out of a tap. Stuffed. Flowing. Stuffed. Flowing…

More and more Afrin.

And then. I felt a flow coming from the roof of my mouth. It was salty but not phlegmy. I opened my big mouth and blood oozed spewed out.

Naturally, being a drama queen, I completely freaked out and figured I was about to die.

Instead, I called my girlfriend Jeannie. The most logical person I knew. Jeannie also worked at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital at the time. Luckily for me, I have friends in high places because she was able to snag an appointment for me with an eye, ear and nose specialist that afternoon.

Thinking I had a tumor or worse, I never, ever, expected the diagnosis I was given.

The good doctor told me that my nasal passages were worse than a cocaine addict’s. In fact, he asked me if I regularly used cocaine! I told him the only things I placed up my nose were my fingers and nasal spray. I never even used snuff!

The thought of putting THIS up my nose is scary. Ewwww. Only nasal spray and my fingers for MY precious schnoz!

The nasal spray caused incredible damage to the tissue lining my nasal cavity. NOT the tissues that were falling on the doctor’s floor. I couldn’t believe my ears. I was more concerned with saying good bye to Afrin more than the damage the stuff caused.

When I asked him why nasal spray was allowed to be sold to people when it does that much damage, he looked at me and sternly replied that when used properly, for short-term use, as directed, it was a great help. He also went on to say that “Type A personalities, such as you, young lady” should be kept far away from any OTC drug. (Did he know that I swallowed 4 Tylenol at a time too?).

Get dirty thoughts out of your mind. He looked like this when he saw my NASAL cavity. OK?

He then told me that I was no longer allowed to use any nasal spray except for the prescription he wrote out for me. It was a steroid that I would spray into my nose to help heal the tissue.

STERIOD? ME? Screw that shit! I’m not turning into a man! It’s bad enough people have mistaken me for a guy when I’m out and about WITHOUT cosmetics! Don’t Call Me Sir–OK?

No thank you. I may be out of shape, but I don’t want to look like these guys (and lady at the end)!

I thanked him profusely and ran out of his office. And no. I did NOT take the steroid. It’s bad enough that I am mistaken for a man when I’m out and about with no makeup. Do you honestly think I would take a steroid? Forcrissakes no!

That day I stopped taking nasal spray cold turkey. I’m not gonna lie. It’s been a struggle at times.

I still live with a stuffed nostril. I still drop a trail of tissues, but luckily Chippy gets to them before Bonaparte sees them and freaks out.

As I write this, my left nostril is clogged. But I focus on the positive and being ever-optimistic, my right nostril is breathing just fine!

And when I enter a pharmacy, I wax sentimental over the aisle selling nasal sprays. I look longingly at the packaging, and I can close my eyes and envision my shoving that spray as far up my nose as I can.

But…I would rather have my nasal passages in tact!

So that’s my story. If you have a cold, don’t overdo the nasal spray! OK? I realize that addiction isn’t a laughing matter but even so, I have to look back at this with a laugh because I was silly to allow myself become so dependent on this little spray! XOXOXOXOXO!!!

As I continue to listen to Neil Diamond’s Christmas CD, I’m reminded of the one song that made me love him. “Cherry, Cherry” 1967. I was eleven!

Posted in Allergies, Sinuses, The Odd Couple, Afrin, Nasal Spray,, Clearing sinuses, Uncategorized | 19 Comments

Atypical 60

Disorganized Crime. Part Two

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Disorganized Crime. Part One.

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And Just How Long DOES It Take To Do A Load Of Wash?

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A Fun-Filled New Year’s Day. We Took The Tree Down.

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So Long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Goodbye to My Not So Favorite Year. 2015!

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Just One Last Pre-Christmas Post. RETRO CHRISTMAS ALERT!

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Come To My Chaotic Christmas Preparation

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The Shortest Day of The Year..And My Happiest!

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‘Twas The Week Before Christmas….

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My Strange Addiction. A Public Service Announcement for The Season!

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